Precious Little Boy (Poem)

My precious little boy
Was born on the virgin month.
Not my son, but someone
I’d like to have a son with –
Someday –
When he gets bigger and ripe.

I feel stupid, and it hurts
That I have given my heart to a baby
Who perhaps doesn’t even know what love is,
Or how to spell it,
Or perhaps still too innocent
To see that he is hurting me.

Still on his way to adulthood
I see how he is becoming
Aphrodite’s Adonis
And if ever I see Eros lurking somewhere
I’ll curse the brat for making me
Desire a baby –
A handsome baby, naïve, carefree
Too irresponsible in the matters of the heart.

My heart can’t decide whether
I’d wait for him to grow
Because by then it might be too late –
For a heart that’s been bruising for so long
Would be unable to love soon.
I am not his mother.
Although I’d love to be.

I jumped with my two feet
In this pool of love, beckoning him
But he is still taking baby steps
So unsure and insecure.

I don’t think I can wait anymore
For my precious little boy.

--- A. C.

Some Daily Manifestations of Misogyny

Before, I was very resistant to feminism because of not having enough knowledge on it and having a biased stereotype that feminists are extremists and are man-haters. But because of having a literary undergrad thesis about the folk songs of my mother’s hometown and applying a feminist perspective on their analyses (it was my choice), I had the chance to read lots of books regarding feminism. I would be glad to write about my personal journey to feminism but this time, I want to talk about the misogynists that I have known so far and my personal struggles in a society that is still not leaning towards gender equality. I have always been drawn to feminine and womanly stuff that it eventually led me to feminism. And while I was being resistant to that ideology, I didn’t know that I was sometimes practicing it, that I needed it in my life, and that it needs to be pushed through for the welfare of my sisters around the world.

Beauty as a Measure of a Woman’s Worth

I only have a sister. We are of the same age range so we basically grew up in the same environment, circumstances, and influences. All my life, I have been compared to my sister because she is so popular. They also compare our beauty. While I was undergoing adolescence, these comparisons with my sister really get on my nerves. Why? Because the things they look at are so superficial: beauty and popularity. People wouldn’t even look at the different skills and expertise that we have. Society has imposed the idea on women that if you are not beautiful or attractive, you are basically worthless. My self-esteem was so wounded by that kind of standards imposed on women that I strived to be prettier to be okay with myself. I am now satisfied with how I look (I didn’t get any surgery lol) and gained more confidence but…

…when I managed to look nicer when I reached college, the boyfriends that I had mostly only wanted me for how I looked. I noticed that they didn’t really care about how I love poetry and singing and acting; they were just focused on my physical appearance. Most of them would even dictate what clothes I should wear, how I should wear my hair, and how curvy or fatter my body should be (I have a skinny body type) that I drove me crazy. My looks (or how I should look) were most of the time the reason of my quarrels with some of my ex-boyfriends. I was treated like a shallow person that should only be prized for how she looks.

However, society thinks so lowly of women that while we may think that beauty is a blessing, it can also be a curse. When women walk down the street to buy food or whatever, they get catcalled by ignorant men. It’s insulting, degrading, humiliating. What have we done to men to deserve that treatment? I don’t think it’s because they admire those women. I really don’t. It’s because these men lack respect in women. They think women are so inferior to them that they can do all they want to them even if it makes women uncomfortable. Women are sex objects and nothing more. If a man has a belief like this, then he is ignorant, uneducated, and immoral. If this is being a little too hateful, I’m sorry. But no woman likes to be disrespected just because she is a woman. And women are already so tired of being catcalled every single day.

Limited to Being Sex Objects

I’m sure that there are lots of women out there who were also misled by men who only wanted sex from them. I personally get triggered when people are seen on a shallow basis (e.g. their appearance or sexuality) instead of for who they really are. People are more than just how they look. People are more than their gender. Suddenly I remembered the tale of Beauty and the Beast – Belle is more than her beauty and the beast is more than just his monstrous look. He is a prince beneath that, and I wish in real life there would be more people who could see through one’s outer shell. Women are not walking boobs and pussies. They are people with a heart and soul.

I remember having an ex-boyfriend who had a very patriarchal, misogynist father. My family doesn’t like his father, and we initially hoped that the son wasn’t infected by his father’s rotten behavior. When my ex-boyfriend had a family outing, he made me come with them. While we were eating together, his father made dirty, sexual remarks about us, and how much we must love having sex (we did not, fortunately), and that my ex-boyfriend was lucky enough to be intimate (eww) with a girl like me. During that whole time, I was feeling like shit. I felt degraded. It was obvious how he sees women as sexual objects. When I broke up with the guy a month later, his misogynistic attitude that he was suppressing finally came out. He said that his family thinks that I am too liberated because I wear shorts, I go out with him at night (even though he initiates it), and because my parents are not too strict with me even though I am a girl. (I am not a party girl, so he basically wants me to be the domestic, submissive, slave type of woman.) He even went as far as calling me a slut and other degrading names for women. He resented me for being too free, too strong, too smart for him, too whatever. He didn’t like being threatened by a woman who is just being herself. Luckily I got rid of that kind of man right away.

Sexual Politics in Relationships

Even with all those misogynistic manifestations of patriarchy in my personal life that I complain about, I still consider myself lucky because compared to other women, I am not as oppressed. I haven’t experienced rape, incest, molestation, extreme restrictions, etc. Therefore, the next thing that I am going to say may sound a bit superficial: there is sexual politics in romantic relationships especially when the man is insensitive or ignorant enough to still hold on to the belief that men are superior to women in any way. In my experience, if boyfriends or suitors suddenly feel like they are not good enough, it’s either they resent me, try to make me feel inferior, or compete with me. Most of them just wanted to get the upper hand always. (I am not the domineering type of girlfriend, I promise.) However, sometimes, when a man does this to me, I suddenly realize that we are not equals. If they are so threatened by a woman, then it probably means that they haven’t developed in themselves the qualities of confidence and responsibility in order to feel secure in being with the opposite sex. Some men are so insecure that they project their insecurities onto women and make them think that there is something wrong with the women instead. The moment I sense that in a man, I leave. Because I have definitely learned to value myself more instead of lower my standards or serve the man who doesn’t even feel like a man enough.

Therefore, if being a bitch means valuing oneself, then I’d rather be a bitch than a servant of some little boy who can’t even protect me from the cruel world. Whenever I encounter a misogynist nowadays, I realize that aside from being stupid enough to hold on to a traditional belief that women are subordinate to men, they are projecting their insecurities to women which results in women feeling bad about themselves. Feminism pushed me to value myself a little more, and not settle for less. We were never made to be inferior to men, despite the Genesis bullshit that people use in arguing why Eve should be subordinate to Adam. J

Schooling in an Airplane (Dream)

Me: I dreamt that a plane was waiting for me while I was picking a beautiful navy blue cup. When I got on the plane, it came back to where I was to wait for a late passenger. I went out and then I picked another very beautiful cup again with water on it and let the plane wait for me. I threw away the water to have the pretty cup for myself.

The people in the plane were people I know but are not very close to me: ex-classmates, distant friends, professors. I was sitting between my two male college professors and I was sleeping on the shoulder of one of them as if he was my father. And he doesn’t mind it. One of my arms was also hugging him as if he were my parent.

There were chitchats that happened that I couldn’t remember, but there was a guy who was a bit weird for the people there. However, he had some intelligent insights that caught my attention. Then he gave me a curious stare out of the blue, and I looked at him too. I was searching for his eyebrows underneath his thick hair, and when I found out where his eyebrows are, I feel like I like him. His eyebrows were so dark, thick, and polished that he looks so smart. However, he already got out of the plane because I think we already reached his home.

Lawrence: Hi
Kinda means you still in school with more than one teacher.
And you meet another student in one of their classes and you like that person. It’s that simple.
Other people in the class have no meaning to you they’re just there.
The new guy is the search again for a boyfriend.
Best, L

A Japanese Dream

Me: Hi Lawrence J I dreamt that we were all inside a mall. However, my group of friends was scattered. I told people that together with my friend, Bia, I would go home late. I told them that my parents were currently having a honeymoon and my sister is with her friends and can’t go with me. I was in danger of going home alone at night.

Then I saw my two (physically) beautiful classmates from grade school. One of them became really tall that it’s not normal. She was like a skyscraper. Both of them massaged my foot while I have my socks on, and it felt really weird. Not only did it feel strange physically, but I felt like something was wrong. I felt like my feet were drowning without water. Then, words from a a Japanese legend or old tale were suddenly in front of me, saying that Hokage (a name of a Japanese man in my dream) used to drown someone’s face in some kind of a basin. And I saw a basin full of water in my dream. It sounds silly but I was terrified. My two former classmates who were doing something nasty to my feet suddenly transformed to Japanese girls. It was creepy. And I remember wanting to escape from them.

Lawrence: Hi
It might mean be more aware of who really are your friends.
Wanting to escape from friends are not real friends.
See you in your next dream J

The First Mirror Brings Her Back (Amaterasu Story from Japan)

Amaterasu was enraged.
            First her stormy brother Susano-o had set loose piebald horses in her divine rice paddies. Then he had stuck banners painted with sneering incantations into the ravaged soil. But she had remained patient. Even when he used the space beneath her new throne for a toilet and smeared his product on the palace doors, Amaterasu was forgiving. “Surely what looks like excrement,” she said calmly, “is just my brother’s drunken vomit.”
            But then Susano-o destroyed the peace of the heavenly weaving hall, pulling off the roof-tiles to fling down a flayed colt upon the weaving maidens. The fright killed Amaterasu’s young sister Wakahirume who, falling from her loom, finally punctured her vagina with her shuttle.
            Finally, Amaterasu grew enraged.
            “I will no more see you face to face,” the sun announced to the kami, the divine beings. With that she pulled close the door of the Sky-Rock Cave, shutting out her light from the heavenly Land-of-the-High-Sky and the earthly Land-of-Reed-Plains. It grew dark, darker than night, for the moon and stars never rose.  All the kami were grieved, we learn from the Japanese Kojiki, the Record of Ancient Matters, “and their noise was like the buzzing of flies in the fifth moon, and ten thousand woeful calamities befell.”
            By candlelight the Kami gathered, eighty myriad of them – perhaps as many as eight million – before the Sky-Rock Cave. What could they do to make the sun return? They would make an image of her! They gathered copper-bearing rocks from the bed of the Sky-River so that Ishikoredome – the Stone-Coagulating Old Woman – could create the world’s first mirror. Her first attempt was a failure, inadequate to capture Amaterasu’s beauty. So was the second. But the third mirror was so splendid it made the assembled kami gasp.
            The kami strung together five hundred splendid curved jewels into a necklace; they sewed a soft blue and white brocade cloak; they made a new hat, a new shield, shiny weapons for the sun. they built a new palace, even more lovely than the Sky-Rock Cave. And the kami who created this new world were those who would become ancestors of Japan’s most famous families.
            When all was completed and assembled, the kami worked divination on stags’ bones and birch bark. They hung all the presents they had made for Amaterasu on an uprooted sakaki tree, which they placed before the closed door of the Sky-Rock Cave. All now was ready for the ritual to welcome back the sun. One of the kami cried out prayerfully, “The mirror I have is bright and beauteous, like you. Will you not open the door and look at it?”
            There was no answer.
            All were silent for a time. Then Uzume, the fierce shaman, pushed up her sleeves above her elbows and tied them with cords of moss. She fashioned a hat of leaves and a dancing fan from bamboo grass; she fastened bells around her wrists; she wreathed a spear with grasses; she kindled bonfires. Then she overturned a tub in front of the Sky-Rock Cave and leaped on it, stamping out a dance as she whistled through a flute, and the eighty myriad kami kept time on wooden clappers.
            She sang a simple song: “Hi, hu, mi, yo, i, mu, na, ya, ko, to,” or “one, two, three, four, five, sex, seven, eight, nine, ten, a hundred, a thousand, a myriad.” As she sang, she began to remove her garments, exposing in the dim firelight first her breasts, then her genitals, in a striptease that was both comic and at the same time deeply serious, for to reveal the source of life in the absence of the Ancestral Mother was a reminder of the world’s profound distress.
            Raucous laughter from the eighty myriad kami shook the sky. Great sky-shiner Amaterasu heard the uproar and peered out. She was astonished by what she saw. “I thought,” she said, “that since I had withdrawn and shut myself in the Sky-Rock Cave, there would be continued darkness. How is it that Uzume makes merry and the kami all laugh?”
            Uzume the Sky Frightener had a ready answer, a taunting one. “We rejoice that a sun has been found more lovely than you.” At that cue, two kami held up the mirror. Through the crack in the doorway, Amaterasu stared at the brilliant apparition. Little by little she edged forward. When she was entirely out of the cave, the sky flooded with light.
            “Aware! Ana omoshiroshi! Ana tanoshi! Ana sayake oke!” cried the kami. How light it grows! How wonderful to see each other’s faces! How wonderful to dance with hands outstretched! How wonderful is the refreshing sunlight!”
            They begged the sun goddess never again to hide her face for so long. They tied the door of the Sky-Rock Cave open with a sun rope, knotted at the bottom to represent Amaterasu’s shadow. Some interpreters say that this disappearance of the Great Mistress of the Day brought on the first winter, some that she retreats into her cave whenever there is an eclipse. In any case, the magic mirror, Japanese scripture tells us, brought the sun back to her welcoming world and continues to do so today.


Monaghan, Patricia (1994). O Mother Sun! A New View of the Cosmic Feminine. California: The Crossing Press.

*Japanese myths are retold [by Monaghan] from Post Wheeler, trans., The Sacred Scriptures of the Japanese (New York: H. Schulman, 1952); and F. Hadland Davis, Myths and Legends: Japan (Boston: David Nickerson & Co., N.D.), p.195.

Asteroid Medusa (149) in my 1st House/Ascendant

Medusa…is an outraged woman, a dark anger, a healing elixir, a poisonous venom, a beauty that stands alone. Kim Falconer

In this post, I am going to share my personal experiences in having Medusa in my 1st house or near my ascendant. As you all know, I am no astrologer. But like many people, I understand certain planets, aspects, or placements when I personally have them or when I observe them in other people that I interact with. Earlier as I was researching, and even right now as I am writing this, I cannot breathe easily. My chest is really heavy. This happens to me when I delve into the energies of Scorpio, Pluto, Lilith, and now, Medusa. Medusa is so heavy and intense. With my Lilith in the 10th house and my Medusa in the 1st house, some people look at me like I’m a bitch, slut, or a woman who doesn’t deserve the attention that she gets from men. I am not exactly sure if these asteroids when prominent in one’s chart attract jealousy but I get hated just for having these asteroids in my persona or public image. However, I think I know now what the difference between Lilith and Medusa is: Lilith is just a bitch who doesn’t like to be subjugated (and has a bad rep for that), while Medusa has a deep rage, hatred, and anger because of being subjugated by men (or a man). Medusa, formerly very beautiful with a striking hair, was punished by Athena into being a monster for being raped by Neptune. Sounds familiar? Yes – Medusa is the oppressed feminine, a victim blamed for what has happened to her. And she was still demonized for having this rage of hers. And honestly speaking, while I was researching about Medusa, I’ve been feeling outraged for everything that men have done to me (that I did not deserve, of course). It’s a bit like Medea (which is also on my 1st house), but we will only talk about Medusa for now. *wink*

We all know about Medusa, a female gorgon with a salacious tongue and a head of twining snakes, who’s such a fright that mere humans turn to stone the moment they lay eyes on her gloriously gruesome, terrifying flesh. (Day Keeper Journal)
Before and After

Having Medusa in my 1st house (the house of appearance or visible personality) makes sense for me. I have black, curly hair that form into ringlets. I have been called Medusa when I was in grade school, but people don’t hate my hair; instead, they like touching the snakes in my head lol. And I also have a stare that can intimidate, terrify, or even attract people. I am not sure if it’s because of Scorpionic influences in me (Venus, Mars, and Pluto in Scorpio) but my mother is definitely terrified of my eyes. I thought they were lovely but she said they were not. Sometimes my gazes were accused of being “evil” even when there’s actually nothing that goes on in my head. But the Medusa stare cannot be denied when I am actually angry.

Sometimes I actually feel like a Medusa incarnate when I sink into lower emotions. And some men in my life have definitely been stung by the Medusa in me.

And while most women with Medusa ascendants feel that they can stun men with their gaze, this is not actually perceived as a blessing. The Medusa women might be hated for their attractiveness. And they may be a bit lonely as they can sometimes terrify people without doing anything.
For some, Medusa can show where you pay for the bad choices you didn’t necessarily make or that weren’t completely your fault, much like the second way the story is told with Medusa being punished after being raped. If that was the case, it certainly wasn’t her fault, but Athena unleashes her wrath anyway. How often do we still punish the victim of crimes and abuse? How often do we punish children for the sins of their parents? (Astrology Weekly)

It may play out in a way wherein you would be demonized for having men fawning over you. I am not saying that I have a loooong queue of men vying for my attention. It’s just that I have lots of experiences wherein men pursue me (instead of the other way around) but I am still seen as the slut. I am not sure why that is though. It might be the subtle Medusa energy, or the negative potentials of Medusa that can still be felt even if they are not acted upon. Medusa, while it likes to attract men, has hidden rage or hostility against men which may be because of negative experiences with men like being played with, used, objectified, etc.  
The myth says something very profound about the sacred feminine. Certainly, Medusa embodies the outrage of subjugated women over millenniums of time. She is raped, angry and poisonous with a stare of fixed rage. Any man who sees the “gorgon” in a woman is instantly turned into stone. (Kim Falconer)
According to astrologer Ami Anne, this is the Medusa rising woman:
She teases men with her beauty and then makes them pay/punishes them for desiring her.

I have seen other comments of other women with Medusa in their ascendants in astrology blogs and forums and they have admitted that they really do what Ami Anne has mentioned above. Maybe unconsciously. Because I do it too! Lol. Not that I am proud of it – it’s bad behavior. I like it when I get male attention but when they finally go near me, get to know me, or want me for themselves, I instinctively despise them. Sometimes, I feel objectified for some weird reason. And I had to be mean to other suitors otherwise they won’t stop “pestering” me. And then, I suddenly become Medusa in their eyes. Therefore, Miss Ami Anne is right that Medusa ascendant women most of the time “turn men into stone” for desiring them.

Okay, people might really have a reason for getting scared of Medusa women. But since it’s in their 1st house, they’re really unconscious of their effects on others. Sometimes it’s not their fault. Other times, they might just have sacred feminine wounds that have to be healed first. Like astrologer Ami Anne said, these women are a TEASE, so beware. Unevolved or unhealed Medusa women might lead you on and then reject you cruelly afterwards. I confirm that this is true because I have definitely done it, and am trying my best to avoid these negative tendencies. 


Sweet Candy Teddy Bears (Dream)

I had a very sweet dream.

My dream is very long but I can only remember one part of it. I dreamt that some people were making sweets in front of us (I was with my family), but they don’t look like sweets. They are sweets but they look like everyday objects. Then, what wowed me was when I saw someone make sweets that look like an actual teddy bear with fur. It looks yummy, and it’s amazing how you can eat the teddy bear with all that fur. There are still other kinds of sweets with all realistic shapes and forms. My sister and I planned that we would buy these kinds of sweets for our Mama and Papa secretly so we can surprise them.

I searched the internet for the possible interpretations of two of the symbols found in my dream:


To see or eat sweets in your dream represent indulgence, sensuality, and forbidden pleasure. Perhaps you have been depriving yourself of some joy or pleasure and the dream is a way for you to reward yourself. Alternatively, the dream symbol is a metaphor for your sweetie or the special someone in your life. (Dream Moods)

Sweets represent just that – the sweet. They can represent affection or experiences that we find precious and valued. When life becomes too serious with everyday stress such as worries of your job or paying bills, your mind may dream of eating sweets as a release of the daily pressures of life. It may be your mind’s way of telling you to slow down and enjoy what you love – family, friends, or a hobby. Some people who are very focused on what they want might dream of eating sweets as a way to remind them that while they can remain focused to achieve their dreams, they can also take a little time out to enjoy the sweeter things in life. (Analyse Dreams)

Teddy Bear

Teddy, in a dream, might occur as a sign of goodwill to you which can be defined as the symbol of happiness, trust, and protection. Seeing a teddy in a dream, gifting a teddy, or receiving it as a gift are all scenarios that one way or another represents trust, companionship and security. (Aunty Flo)

To dream of a teddy bear suggests a need to be comforted and cared for. You may be reminiscing about earlier times in your life when things were less complicated and you had more security. (edreaminterpretation)

To dream of a teddy bear represents emotional dependency. A belief in something that comforts you, make you feel safe, or gives you a sense of security and reassurance. Something may scare you, depress you, or make you feel powerless if you ever lost it or had to give it up. Needing to feel good about having something at all times. (Dream Bible)

To dream of receiving or seeing a teddy bear is indicative of your inner self. Some event or person has caused you to regress to childhood. You may be feeling lost. You can find no comfort in companionship. You are searching for someone to take care of you. It may also be nothing more than a pleasant childhood memory. (Dream Forth)

I also e-mailed my psychic friend and this is his interpretation of my dream:

Lawrence: Hi, not much there. The sweets could be a need to be loved. And sweets give you a feeling of a craving to eat sweets. Best, Lawrence xx

In my dream what I felt was that I really craved to eat those sweets, but I’d give them to my parents instead so I can make them feel happy. I don’t actually know what it is in my real life that caused me to dream of this since I don’t remember longing for someone or something. Well, maybe it’s because I sometimes think of my ex-boyfriend of almost two years and I missed that feeling of having someone love and care for you. It was a really good time in my teenage years. Yes, perhaps I just missed having a relationship. Or perhaps I missed my sister’s dog. Unfortunately, love is not what I want to focus on right now. ;)


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