Heart to Heart Talk #3: A Karmic Love Lesson

I seriously thought that he was the one.

I have been mentioning again and again that my Saturn is in the 7th house, the house of relationships. My Chiron, North Node, and Sun are all in Libra, which is the sign of relationships. Looking at those placements, one can already infer that one of my main purposes in this life is to learn and expand through relationships. It is the biggest theme or karma that I am supposed to work on in this life. When the transiting Saturn squared my natal Saturn on December 2016, the universe sent me a man who amazingly fit my checklist of my ideal man. These are the qualities that I look for:
Older than me (maturity, responsibility) 
Mentor type, intelligent 
Spiritual (not necessarily religious) 
Different or foreign (opens up another world for me) 
Sexy and very masculine 
Bonus: someone of Arab descent

Who would expect that I would get to know that “man of my dreams” because he has read this blog?!

We did not intend to be involved with each other, but eventually we did. We only got involved emotionally, and not physically, since he is living in England. And it got to the point where we were already planning our future (yes, it was that fast): he made me get my passport right away so he could manage to bring me to England ASAP, he planned to go here next year to spend time with me and see if we have chemistry, we planned to have ceremonies of both temporary and permanent marriage in his religion, and we were already planning to have children.

It was so bizarre, sudden, unexpected, and the attraction was so intense that if I was near him, we probably would have married right away. It was that kind of feeling. However, the attraction was not superficial, or merely based on physical appearances. I really liked him for who he was. I felt like I have known him for ages. And he, also, felt very understood and comfortable with me. In fact, just a few days after we started talking, I have told him that we were probably lovers in our past life. He, however, replied that he doesn’t believe in past lives. I don’t know why but I believed we were. After a few weeks, I discovered synastry and composite charts for couples (astrology) and I was amazed. There were lots of positive indicators of attraction in our relationship and it was very Plutonian – both our Venus and Pluto are conjunct each other’s Venus and Pluto (double whammy). Venus and Pluto aspects were already a sign of a karmic relationship; but what made me more convinced that we were indeed lovers in our past life/lives is because his South Node is conjuncting my Venus. I was probably his wife before. It is certain that we had a relationship or marriage. And that our relationship in this lifetime is something karmic – something that should happen in order to work on unfinished business in past lifetimes.

Anyway, before we really got involved very deeply, I have asked my psychic friend a New Year question about this guy:
January 1, 2017  
Me: Hi Lawrence Happy New Year! I am so excited to ask my question :D
I have attached my picture and the picture of the man in question. He is the one on the left.My question is, do I have a future with this man? Because I want to end things right now if it doesn’t have a future. Thanks in advance :))  
Lawrence: Hi Anthea
Happy New Year 
Checked him out 
No future at all, I see him with other women, not a commitment type of guy. I wouldn’t pursue him, but it’s up to you of course because I can be wrong. 
See you again with another dream soon :)

I never heeded his advice because of “it’s up to you of course because I can be wrong.” I still talked to the British Arab because we were talking about religion and spirituality almost every day. He loves teaching and I love learning new things. Apart from that, we loved planning for our future. Those were only the good things in our one-month relationship. What made me less happy is that I felt like I was only a side thing for him. He was so busy about his work and family that I always had to be patient. Being a Venus in Scorpio, I am very possessive and I want every confirmation and reassurance that the person I love is mine. However…

He thinks that I am old enough to bear him children so he wants me to be his second wife. Yes, second wife. Not because he is a widower, but because he already has a wife and a daughter. They are not divorced although they live separately. He told me that he would not divorce his wife because he doesn’t want his little girl to think that they have a broken family. He loves his daughter the most.  

Another thing is that he doesn’t want our future children to live in the Philippines because he thinks lowly of my country. Yes, the Philippines is poor, but I think it would do the children good so they would appreciate what they have, have more sympathy for others, avoid getting spoiled, and learn about the beautiful Asian culture of their mother. Before I become thirty, I would be living in England, alone, as a second wife, away from my family, and utterly misunderstood. If he is so busy with his life, then who would take care of me? Would I just wait for him always? What would I do in England unequipped and unprepared?

He also told me that he would marry me only if I become a Muslim. Well, basically, there is nothing wrong with that. He is a devout Muslim, and I am happy for him that he has found the religion that suits him. Right now, I don’t adhere to any religion but I am so drawn to spiritual stuff. I am drawn to angels, spirit guides, ghosts, other dimensions, astrology, New Age, chakras, intuition, psychics, and all that stuff. I don’t think having an organized religion is right for me. I don’t want to be “boxed in” just to connect to God. But since I loved him and I wanted to be with him, and he thinks being an “unbeliever” would essentially make me qualified for hell (which I don’t believe exists), we arranged to have daily lessons about Islam. I loved learning it, my mind likes it, but my heart doesn’t. I don’t feel happy. I don’t care about the logical reasons people say to justify that Islam is the only correct spiritual path that exists nowadays because logic alone can’t satisfy me. And I especially disliked the idea of being in a traditional female role the moment I marry him, and I disliked hiding the hair that I am proud of by wearing a hijab. Don’t get me wrong, Islam is beautiful. But it is not for me. Religion cannot be forced. Everyone should search for their own truths.

And so, one month passed but I still found myself in a constant panic when we were not talking. I don’t think it is paranoia since I am normally a calm person. Since we were already so serious, I thought about many things like my own happiness being the second wife, the opinions of others around me, being on the right or wrong path for the rest of my life, not achieving my dreams once I marry a man of a conservative religion, and whether or not he is the right person for me. When February came, I asked again my psychic friend about him, just to make sure that I am on the right track:
February 1, 2017  
Me: Lawrence please help me. I am really confused. I don’t know what to do. I will attach both my picture and the picture of the man in question.
Should I cut him off my life? I feel like I’m a side thing for him, and I don’t want that, since I am too possessive and I want my man to be all mine. I am so confused because I don’t want to make another mistake. I want to be with the one I will be with forever and not waste my time with the wrong person. Please help me with this. I don’t know whether I’d end things or hope for impossible things to happen.Thanks in advance Lawrence, how are you?  
Lawrence: Hi, checked him out.
He is with other women but no commitments, he is into sex too much and can’t be loyal to one person. 
I wouldn’t have physical relationship with him. 
Feels like you got involved with someone you really didn’t know. 
Move on is the message I got, don’t be with any man for a while, they confuse you too much. 
Work on school stuff, and take a break from men if you can. 
I know your hormones are raging sometimes. 

After knowing this, I got really sad, maybe a little depressed, that I couldn’t do anything that I was supposed to do. When he called, I confronted him. I asked him if he was serious about me and he couldn’t answer right away. He was trying to find the right words to say and flipped the question back to me. He told me that he hasn’t done anything that would make me doubt him. However, what matters to me is what he feels about me; not what he does or doesn’t do for me. If I am going to spend my life with someone, it is with someone who is serious about me. After a little while, he got into defensive mode and he got angry. I apologized and we tried to forget what happened. However, I still felt very uneasy and insecure. So after a few days, I confronted him again. I really can’t feel that he is serious about me. I can feel his happiness in our talks, but seriousness regarding commitment is a different issue. Then I decided to focus on myself and not waste my time worrying for someone who is not focused on me. When he called me, I told him that I am backing out from our marriage and that I decided to call it quits. He was quiet, upset, and he ended the call right away. And he blocked me too. And that’s how it ended. It hurt. I reflected for a long time if I did the right thing. And just to make sure, I e-mailed my psychic again:
February 6, 2017  
Me: Lawrence…we just blocked each other, why does it hurt? ;( Please tell me that he was just deceiving me all this time. 
Lawrence: Hi, I don’t know what happened. All I can tell you is that he is not right for you as I stated before.
Don’t chase this person, let him go – that’s the message I get. 
Don’t focus on someone who doesn’t focus on you. 

So there. If it was indeed a karmic relationship, I don’t know how it was solved. But what happened with me was that I cried a lot during our relationship. I cried most of the time because I felt unconditional love for him. I loved him in an otherworldly way. I loved him for who he is. However, the person I need in this lifetime for commitment is not him. He is already committed to someone and I would probably break his family’s heart if I chose to be his second wife. If past lives were true, I don’t exactly know what my unfinished business with him was. But what we had was wonderful, and I know that he would agree. It was a wonderful feeling of unconditional love. Nevertheless, I felt lighter when I broke up with him. I wanted my freedom – the freedom that I would lose if I marry him. But I am so glad that I got to know him. At least now I know that I wouldn’t settle for being the second wife again, the second (or third, or whatever) priority, and for being with someone who cannot match the intensity and commitment that I want in a relationship.

Wayman Stewart, the astrologer of Astrology Arena, said that the transiting Saturn square natal Saturn that happens when we are twenty-one years old is a preparation for our Saturn return when we are twenty-eight to thirty years old. And since my Saturn is in the 7th house, I believe that this is the challenge presented to me by Saturn. I seriously thought that he was the one for me. (My Juno is in Sagittarius; he is a Sagittarius.) Well, of course I had to believe my own delusion that he is the one so it would be a very unforgettable life lesson for me when life slaps the truth in my face. Even if it’s a little heartbreaking, Saturn has taught me a very valuable lesson: commitment is commitment. Only responsible people should enter serious commitments. And since I am still very young and I still haven’t made something of myself, I wouldn’t be happy if I happened to marry this young. Love is not enough. Being past life lovers is not enough. But standards are definitely a necessity for a perfect lifetime partner.

And you (him), wherever you are, I thank you for playing a role in my spiritual growth. You taught me a lot in that one month. We may not be meant for each other in this lifetime, but we have certainly felt the connection. I wish you all the best. J


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