People in the Toilet (Dream)

Me: My dream was long but I only remember the part where I was with my former classmates in some kind of an event (reunion?). A younger male went into the event, nobody knew personally who he was, but someone whispered to me that he was the younger brother of someone. He totally caught the attention of people, including me, and the males there were insanely jealous of him. A group of boys went into the girls’ restroom to talk about him, but I had to use the restroom. I locked myself in a cubicle but I couldn’t do my business because the boys were playing around and would not go away. While I was releasing my phlegm into the toilet bowl, people, including the new boy, just kept on opening the door of the cubicle where I was trying to pee but could not because of them.

Lawrence: Hi Anthea
You didn’t lock the cubicle – they all have locks on them.
By leaving them open, you allow other people to invade your space and get you mad, frustrated, etc.
It’s a message to protect yourself more from people you don’t like. Keep your mind closed to them, not open to listen to them.
Lock the door in your mind to all who bother you, don’t engage them.

Very Tiny and Sensitive Baby (Dream)

Me: I only remember the part where there were gossiping and laughter around, and a tiny tiny tiny baby (as if it was born premature) appeared, and it belongs to one girl that we knew there. It was an illegitimate child, that’s why the people around were gossiping. I suddenly found myself nursing the poor helpless baby. However, the time came when I needed to go, so I handed her to another person. And while the other person was gentle to the baby, I was really overprotective of it, preventing the people from saying bad things or jokes to the child, because it might harm the baby. It was the most fragile thing ever.

Lawrence: Hi Anthea this is an easy one. This means you need to watch out from getting pregnant. Do not use unprotected sex – that would be a bad idea. But then again it’s your choice to do as you please.

My comment: It’s really ironic why I am having so many dreams where my higher self keeps on warning me about pregnancy and sex when I don’t even have a boyfriend and it’s been weeks since I’ve stopped talking to a boy! Usually I immediately cut my connection to these men who try to get friendly to me. Saturn tells me that they are still little boys and may only want sex instead of wanting me for the rest of their lives. I have my Uranus in my 5th house so it really might be an unavoidable potential to have unexpected pregnancy, since the planet of surprises and eccentricities is in my house of whirlwind romance and children. 

Hiding the Chickens Before They Are Hatched: Keeping Secret Plans


That’s why I want to keep my plans a secret for now.

Before, I have always announced my plans to my friends. More often than not, I get negative feedback even though I believe in my ability to achieve them. I get discouraged for I hear comments regarding their perceived lack of my abilities – and because of that, I was likely to heed their naysays and I end up leaving those plans behind. Now I realize that they are always entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn’t mean that they are right. I am still the one who creates my own life no matter what they say.

But I realize that I behave the same way when people in my life tell me about their big goals in life. I become pessimistic and I tell them why I don’t think they would ever accomplish that. Guess what? I turns out that I was just intimidated by their ambitions and their drive to achieve success. I also have the tendency to discourage other people’s dreams if that specific dream does not work out for me. In short, I project my own insecurities and fears onto them and I end up discouraging someone.

This is a part of life. In this 3D illusion, we think that we are all in a race, that we are meant to get to the top of our own Mount Everests and prove our worth to other people. Astrologically speaking, people always go to their 10th house cusps, or Midheavens, for their aspirations in life. For their careers, reputations, and social status. We need to reach our mountains in order to sustain our lifestyles and to have internal satisfaction. This pressure to seek our place in the world often starts to throb hard when we are 21 years old (transiting Saturn square our natal Saturn).

Since we are in an illusion of race in life, some people perceive this as a competition, rather than taking our own unique journeys. For this reason, I realized that I had to keep my plans a secret for now. Not for competitive purposes, but to protect my precious desires, ambitions, and goals in life. Studies show that when we announce what we are going to do before we actually do it, we get an impartial sense of accomplishment which lessens our motivation to do what we ought to do. We are also likely to get negative feedback from others – there will always be naysayers and we can’t stop them from doing so. It is actually a projection of their own fears regarding their goals in life. You don’t want your goals to be tainted by negative energy. I personally just kept mine a secret among my closest friend and my family.

Also, people tend to count the chickens before they are hatched. It results to expectations that might not be realistic for the time being. Now that Saturn has knocked my head and made me realize that I cannot be dependent on my parents forever, I just realized how hard it is to earn money, to settle a place for yourself in the world, and to have people see your worth if you haven’t developed any skill. For the past year I have been working on unrealistic goals which are spirituality and inner beauty – but they are goals nonetheless. I have learned to how to rectify myself internally, to be humble, and to regard everyone as my equal. Without the external or material illusions that each of us carry, we are all just the same. We all have the same needs, feelings, and God source.  

Another reason why I plan to keep my goals a secret for now is because of the fact that, whether we admit it or not, there are always people around us who do not want us to succeed. I once had a friend who cried and got angry at me because I got higher grades than him. I also had another friend who told me straight to my face that they (his group of friends) were looking down on me because they think I am not on their level. (I cut ties with that person several months later.) Remember that not all people who seem to be your friends really want you to soar higher. Some people see the world as a battlefield. When you blurt out your dreams to these people, or to the wrong people, you can expect smirks, mocks, or any comment that may upset you – especially if you want to reach a goal that is very unconventional. You don’t need negativity. These are only unnecessary blocks to your journey. And whether we like it or not, there are people in this world that sabotages others in order to get ahead.

I have thought of this last night – and it was a gut instinct. Perhaps it was whispered by one of the angels around. Aside from protecting my dreams from negativity, I also wanted myself to be kept motivated by secrecy. Think about it this way – your goals are like your lust. They pester you like lust. By blurting it out to everyone (like masturbation), perhaps to get some help (unfortunately, most people are focused on their own goals and would not like to give their time away to another lost soul, unless it is a time-tested friend), you give yourself some partial satisfaction (e.g. ejaculation) instead of going for the real thing (real sex). You let the excitement evaporate. And you let any unnecessary comment or reaction get in your way energetically. I personally think that it is better to keep quiet unless there is already a tangible form of progress sculpted by your own godly hands.
“If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.” –Albert Einstein
Remember that no matter what happens, the race is not yet over. Keep the warrior spirit in you alive.

Wisdom from Jupiter

This is from a Youtube video entitled “Channeling Jupiter”. Alison is the channeler, while Kari is the one that questions the spirit that is being channeled. I am fond of these channeling works, especially of some historical figures like Princess Diana and Rasputin, but channeling planets are very new to me, except for the planet Earth or Gaia. I am just getting so much wisdom from the enlightened perspectives of these planets that I might decide to do blog posts like this later on. In this Alison Ailfinn Allan’s video of channeling Jupiter, I only wrote (sometimes non-verbatim and edited) the second half of the show, because the first half included scientific explanations by Jupiter, but I am only interested in spiritual perspectives that he/she has to say. Enjoy reading! And thanks by the way for Alison and Kari for your Shiny Show, I am a new subscriber ;)

Kari: Why do you have so many moons?
Jupiter: Because I am so greedy. *laughs* (followed by a scientific explanation that I am not interested in lol)

Kari: What do you think, Jupiter, about humans and the way we assign character traits to you, like Jupiter is like, orange or something.
Jupiter: Because you are small. *laughter* And that’s not in size – that is in the consciousness. The consciousness is very small. (Alison: She’s not being derogatory, she’s very truthful!) The greater the consciousness within the being, the greater the knowing. So, your point of attraction as a human is very tiny, like little ant-y consciousness. And so, if all of your consciousness was within the being, first into being would be the size of Jupiter. You would be a planet. It’s not actually possible to force the entire consciousness of your higher self into a body that is so small. This body that you’re in is designed specifically for a very narrow field of information gathering. That’s what it’s designed for. If you want to have another experience that is outside of that, then become a planet. That is really the ultimate incarnation.

Kari: Are there other species that are just as tiny as we are and have beliefs about you too? And maybe worship you, or fear you in any way?
Jupiter: Well, these things are human trying to explain the world around them. And the only way you can explain the world around you is to put the attributes upon it that you have. So, the warrior nature that is applied to Mars and to myself is really just a human attribute. It is a human way to try and explain that which they can’t understand outside of themselves because they are themselves. You can only ever understand something from the point of attraction that you are in. You can have an intellectual understanding about something and in its scientific terms you can have an emotional understanding of something in its spiritual terms but you can never really know it until you are it.

Kari: Do you have astrological effects on us?
Jupiter: Yes, yes. We all do. The point of attraction is the same for what’s beyond in space. I have an effect on you, but you have an effect on me too. Everything in this solar system is a point of attraction, gravitational pull. (…scientific explanation)

Kari: What if we can channel dark matter?
Jupiter: You can! You can channel anything – you can channel gravity, you can channel wind, you can channel absolutely everything – there are no limits to what you can channel to speak to or understand or get some kind of understanding from them. Scientists do it, artists channel creativity. Creativity is a consciousness in and of itself. And everybody contributes to that information. But it is a spirit – creativity is in and of itself its own spirit. You can channel that and have a conversation with it. You can channel water. You can channel hydrogen. You can channel – there are no limits. You’re only limited by your understanding of the universe. You really are delving into spiritual concepts of foreign access of where most of the humanity is…And that is why you came here – you came here to have a designated experience, set of protocols you set in place from your higher self to learn something specific.

Kari: I’d like to know if you have parting messages for our shiny viewers.
Jupiter: Be open-minded, don’t close your minds to anything, question everything, and just allow yourselves to explore the unknown. And live life the way it was intended – magically. 

It's Okay to be Angry.

Admittedly, I resent myself for being angry even when have a reason to be that way. I feel guilt because almost every time that I get angry, people reprimand me or gossip about me. It’s really unfair, now that I think of it. I have every right to be angry especially when my rights are being stepped on, when I am being unfairly aggravated, and when people around me have no consideration of my needs or feelings. Growing up, my mother always has tried to suppress anger that I have felt. It resulted into a behavior of just exploding like an atomic bomb when angered as I grew older. I have this habit of suppressing my anger that it just builds up and it ends up controlling me. While I was growing up, people in my home did not care about why I get angry – they just know that it’s bad for me to get angry (because parents always have the right to get angry), and they are disinterested in whatever got into my nerves. This repression of the right for self-expression began when I was still a toddler. But now that my parents do not have a hold on me anymore (except financially), I have formed a part of my personality wherein I know that I have every right to be angry and that no one has the right to tell me that I am too sensitive or scandalous because of that. I don’t easily get angered like the god of war because I’d like to appear pretty and nice most of the time, but when I do get triggered, the anger that will explode in me is not something that is shallow and fleeting. It is something that sees through the shitty facade and cuts people off (I have my Mars conjunct my Pluto in Scorpio. Pretty intense!).

Anger is a human emotion. When I feel anger, it is something that just arises when there is an injustice or acts of insensitivity around me. I feel anger when people try to put me down purposely, or when they are just being assholes. Basically, I feel reasonable anger. Even when I do not hurt people in the process, I still find myself being gossiped about when I get reasonably angry. It just happens to me all the time. What I think is that these people are of lower vibration, lower understanding, and are not my true friends. These people are the kinds of people that find holes in everyone who is not in their group or who they find threatening in any way. Instead of being accountable for what they have done wrong, they do things like gossiping or whatever in order to manipulate my behavior and make me feel guilty instead for feeling angry. Sometimes it’s a control thing. What I can say is that they have no right to tell or manipulate me what to feel. The only person that they have control of is themselves. This kind of behavior reveals some kind of insecurity to the angered person – perhaps they did not want to face the fact that they would feel guilt if they acknowledged their mistakes so they would turn the situation around and make me look like the bad guy. Shrewd tactic, right?

Okay, what I just want to say is that it’s okay to feel angry. It’s really okay, as long as the reason is very logical. It also depends on how you act on your anger. If you act immaturely, ignoring the person without him/her knowing what angered you, then don’t expect them to ever understand. You are just giving them a reason to stay away from you because that is a very immature behavior. However, if you let them know why in a diplomatic way, or in a way that nobody gets hurt, perhaps they would understand – and improve their behavior eventually. But if you ever encounter people who get angry back at you because you got angry for whatever reason, or they turn the situation around, or they gossip about you and never confront you for it, you can cut ties or limit your time around them. You never want to be around people who have very limited understanding about people. You never want to be around people who are not your true friends, or who do not have intentions to understand you. You do not need further interactions with people who are so self-centered that they cannot be “love” for their friend who experiences negative emotions. And understand that anger is okay, but it doesn’t have to be your default emotion. It is very draining – and you don’t want to be that someone who gives everyone the negative vibes. Rise above your anger so you can see things in higher perspectives. 

Human Cat (Dream)

Last night, I dreamt that I was in my university. I was with my roommate (and closest friend here) and a schoolmate I am crushing on. Eventually, the three of us parted ways. Then, I found myself in my college and a man tried to talk to me. He asked me why I had no friends, except the two people whom I was with earlier. I tried to refute his statement, but I suddenly noticed that his mouth was unusual. It was like a cat’s mouth but he was human. He had long hair reaching up to his shoulders. He has the nose of a dog but seems like a cat talking like a human. I tried to get away from him but he chased me. I really didn’t like it, he was annoying. Then I woke up.

Lawrence: Well, I think it means that you are not a pet person, and don’t like anyone questioning you about anything. It means you get away from people who bother you. Part of you is maybe a bit of a loner. Not a bad dream at all. I don’t think you will be getting a pet anytime soon lol. 

Elementary School (Dream)

I saw a Korean father that I watch in a Korean show “The Return of Superman” – his name is Lee Hwijae. He is a father of twins in that childcare reality show. He went into a construction site but the foreman did not see him so he was hurt. He was missing for a little while but then they discovered that he was already dead and his face was deformed by the accident. He was accidentally killed by the construction workers and I felt bad for that, in addition to the fact that his face was horrifyingly deformed.

Then I was suddenly in my elementary school. My friends and I were sitting near the part of the school where toddlers learn. One female teacher went near us and she was being mean to my friend. My friend eventually sobbed, saying that that teacher was happy for the fact that she had failing grades. That same teacher gave me a very big book that contains my clearances and accountabilities that I have to do before I can graduate. I was really big and on the cover page there was a paper stuck to it that said I have to still write for the school newspaper in order to graduate. I felt lost because something was going on at that time and people were preparing for something. I am also not interested in writing for school publications although I used to do it, because I do not like structured writing – I want it freestyle, raw, and not controlled by anyone or anything.

Then, I found myself in a room where I spent my first grade in real life. I was wearing a hot pink crop top and a black mini skirt. Something was going on, I just had no idea what it was. A teacher came by to inspect our clothes. They said that something formal would he happening, something like a holy mass, so I worried because I had inappropriate clothes on. However, as we were inspected, my skirt suddenly lengthened by itself and I noticed that I suddenly had pants inside my skirt. By then my modesty was very apparent.

Then, another teacher came in the classroom and inspected our hygiene. She called out a few students to go outside, including me, and she made us brush our teeth. And so we brushed our teeth. I was the last to finish and the sink was filled with water that is bubbly (because of toothbrushing) but dirty.

My Interpretation:

Gosh, it was a long dream! I’m glad I can remember more and more! Actually, I sought help from my angels and guides last night to please give me guidance through a dream that I would remember waking up.

I was horrified by the part in my dream where someone died and I saw his deformed face. I thought it would mean something like death in my life, like death of someone who I used to be because of what happened to me recently in school, and his deformed face may be my reputation – it might have been destroyed because I would be spending six years in college – and that is a very long time.

The big book of my clearances and accountabilities in school may represent how overwhelmed I am until now of my responsibilities and obligations as a college student that just cannot graduate on time. The requirement that I should write for the school paper in order to graduate may just represent my undergraduate thesis that I cannot just seem to finish because research and literary analysis is not my passion. It is just too dried, structured – and I am sure that my undergraduate thesis would just rot in the libraries of my university.

That was all that I could interpret – the wearing of the skirt and the brushing of teeth was actually a mystery to me. Even online dictionaries couldn’t provide me meanings that resonate with me.

A Psychic’s Interpretation:

The part of you wearing miniskirt and then suddenly pants were covering it, is a message not to get pregnant. Don’t open your miniskirt legs to anyone. The pants are there to keep you from getting intimate. If you do get involved with someone soon, you better make sure he is using condoms. Or you can get pregnant and you wouldn’t be happy with that.

This dream is not about writing at all even if it was in the dream. You basically you don’t like school, period – and can’t wait to get out of education. Bear with it and finish your education.

Brushing teeth is taking care of your health. The dirty water in the sink is related to not taking care of your health. Brush all the time, don’t do drugs, don’t drink too much alcohol, and keep the body clean.

The dirty water means your thoughts might be clouded with too many decisions to make and you can’t see clearly which decisions to make.

Deformed face means you see someone’s inner ugliness around you for sure. Love and hate are neighbors. (My comment: Ooh… I definitely notice those hints. The only clue I can give is that that person is a wolf in a good-looking sheep's clothing.)

The Low- and High-Vibrational Feminine Energy

The low-vibrational woman sees other women as her competitors. She feels that she has to be the most beautiful or most attractive woman in order to see her worth. She wants men’s attention to be hers and hers alone. She sees other beautiful women as “threats” to her reign as the only goddess in her reality; and does all sorts of negative things to discredit them like starting gossips, etc. She uses her femininity, beauty, and sexuality to manipulate and charm people into getting what she wants, even at the expense of hurting other people. She easily feels jealous and threatened by other women, but thinks instead that other women are insanely insecure and jealous of her that’s why they want to bring her down. She projects her insecurities onto other women – and as a result, she barely maintains good sisterly relationships with them. A low-vibrational woman is extremely self-centered; she uses other people as her narcissistic supply, unable to bring back the love and attention they give to her. She does not like children, animals, and plants. She is utterly focused on what she wants to achieve for herself, while stepping on others’ feet as she latches on to her goals. She always wants to feel superior to other people around her and wants them to acknowledge her superiority.

The high-vibrational woman is full of love and compassion in her heart. She glows with inner beauty, innocence, and love that it would be no surprise that children, animals, or even adults would flock to her. She does not regard other women as competitors. Instead, she sees them as sisters that understand each other since women usually have the same struggles. She appreciates other women’s beauty, and does not feel jealous since she is so secure in her own beauty.  She understands that every woman has its own unique beauty, and that the real beauty is really found in the heart. Her heart is so big that it’s as if the aura of her heart looks like wings that would envelop you in warmth and understanding. The high-vibrational woman harbors great respect towards other women, and will never ever fight them because of men. She understands that men come and go, while sisters and girlfriends are for life. She thinks that everybody is equal, and has their own fair share of strengths and weaknesses. She does what she loves and never compares herself to others. She readily gives help to those in need, takes on her responsibilities without complaints, and is never tired of giving herself to others. Her heart just overflows with love that she feels the need to share it to other people. More than her other mundane goals in life, the high-vibrational woman feels like her main purpose to the world is to spread beauty and love genuinely. 

My Liver Flush Session (Nov 2016)

I am a lazy person – I cannot stick to health routines, exercises, etc. I also dread having liver flushes because orally consuming olive oil makes me feel sick and nauseous. The last time I did this was in July 2016, wherein I haven’t expelled a single liver stone. However, what made me decide to do it today was because I feel depressed for the  fact that I couldn’t graduate on 2017. It will be delayed because of my undergraduate thesis – it will be on 2018 instead. I will explain this matter on my next blog posts. Even though we are okay as we are, one single event can knock us down and make us doubt our self-worth. I have too many responsibilities and there is so much pressure around me that maybe the universe, or perhaps the etheric forces, have decided to make me rest for a few months. My parents are already pressuring me to graduate so they can retire from their work. Other people pity me, saying that it’s sayang, but they actually feel worse about it more than I do. I have immediately accepted it, really, because I feel peace in my heart when that incident happened; but I am really worried about what other people say about me and how much of a burden I am to my aging parents.

If I still want to be sane and healthy, then that incident was actually a blessing in disguise. However, I felt really terrible because of what the people around me think. It actually relieved me, but to my family, it was bad news. And so, I had to do something to rid myself of body toxins. By cleansing myself, I was hoping that the negative thoughts and beliefs that I have held on for so long would also go away. I have decided to fast, go on a water diet for half a day, and drink the olive oil with orange juice in the evening so I could cleanse my liver of cholesterol stones that block my bile duct.

Shortly after I woke up, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. The first ones I have expelled were brown, earthy-toned big stones that float. And for the next three times that I have gone to the bathroom, I expelled big, medium, and small dark green stones. Not all of my liver flush sessions are as successful as this, so I was happy that I get to expel some toxic elements in my body. The stones were many, perhaps about a hundred or two. An hour after I have expelled my liver stones, I had a short cardio exercise that made me sweat right away. That detox helped me say good-bye to some bodily toxins that keep me dense and low-vibrational. I gotta keep that up if I want to rise higher in the vibrational scale so I could really believe that everything is all right, that I am on the right track, and that my guardian angels won’t leave me no matter what happens. Things like these might knock me down, but I will keep on moving and improving myself. I will get close to that college diploma someday, with the important lessons in life caused by this educational delay. Namaste. :)

Quotes from "Mass," a Novel by F. Sionil Jose

“Recto! Rectum of Manila! Here are the odors of the posterior, particularly when the sun is warm and there would be a busted sewer gushing yellowish froth, and flies as big as bottle caps on the garbage piles; but we are young and if we see them, we look away. They will all be swept clean when the revolution comes and this Recto, this will be the boulevard of great erudition; it will be like the avenue of hope. It already is to thousands upon thousands like me, for it is here where I go to school.”

“I never liked speeches – whether by professional politicians or professors turned politicians. I had lived long enough in a village to know who exploits the little people – the landlord, yes, and the money-lenders, too. But it is the riffraff who really take advantage of their own kin. I had planted vegetables in the yard and when the eggplants were ready, who would come but our neighbors, asking for them when they could have easily planted in their yards, too.”

“You see, sir, when a politician comes to our village and makes a pretty speech about corruption in government, about how he intends to change things when he gets elected – we know it’s just words. But sometimes, particularly before the elections, he gets our muddy road fixed. And of course, there is the five pesos he distributes to those who can vote.”

“You cannot ask the poor for sacrifices. We are already poor. What can we give? How do you measure the patriotism of the poor?”

“There is nothing wrong with being wealthy – I hope you did not misunderstand. We all want to be comfortable, that is a common human aspiration. But precisely, it is not possible for as long as the ceiling to our aspirations is low. It is actually limited by our rich, by our oligarchy and our government which serves the upper classes but not the people…”

“Father Jess described how big men made the laws, how these laws enriched them, how poverty became the way of life of the masses because they were made poor on purpose. And the poor – he lashed at us – we did not know any better, we did not organize, we did not define our purpose and mark our enemies so we would know whom to fight if only so we could get what was ours by right because it was we who worked the land, the factories.”

“I always knew that it was the strong, the powerful who ruled, who drank the sweet juice of life.”

“The Colorums are gone, but the landlords are still with us, leeches beyond society. But the landlords are no longer the mestizos of yesteryears – imperious, fair-skinned and loud of speech. Now, they were brown like us, their origins not from Spain but from the village, farmers’ children who had gone to school to be lawyers, had grown fat with the spoils of the land – the children of farmers who had forgotten what their fathers were and therefore were no different from the landlords they had replaced.”

“It is so clear – you had to do this, to lie, to cheat, things you really don’t like to do – and only because you – you – we, Pepe – we are poor. The Wretched of the Earth – read that some time. And we – the poor – we have no choice.”

“I always remember what Mother told me when I was about nine or ten – that all those we love we will eventually lose, all those we hate we will eventually face. This is the inevitable sequence, the deafening roll which follows the lightning flash, the drab brown of the fields after the living green of the rainy season.”

“Do not think about decency, Pepe. This is an indecent world. All those people dressed up, attending those concerts, those fancy parties splashed in the society pages – they are all indecent. Each has his little scheme and in the end, they all use people.”

“God was a personal experience and belief; He fitted in my hierarchy of authority only as a last resort, the ultimate explanation of all the things too recondite for me to grasp. But He was no arbiter of right or wrong; it would seem that He did not care… He did not reward virtue; it was the scheming and the dastardly strong who lived happily ever after. Babies without sin die and so do mothers who are poor and cannot afford medicine or expensive doctors.”

“So we delight in saying that those who don’t look back to where they came from cannot go far, but some have gone far indeed while the rest stayed to rot where they are, to be visited again and again by the sins of their fathers.”

“It was better at night not only because there were dreams; where had I read it once, that there was this man in a concentration camp having a nightmare, but his fellow inmates did not wake him up because they knew no nightmare could be more horrible than the reality to which he could wake up?”

“Escape from poverty was often possible only through migration to the United States, but the quotas were full, the visas were difficult to get and, thus, whether it was in the anonymity of some rural village or in Tondo itself, it was many a girl’s dream to be married to an American.”

“Without admitting it, I had always felt inferior to those people at the U.P. (University of the Philippines), not because they could afford to study there – but simply because they had always seemed brighter than most; they always seemed to top the board exams, in law, in medicine…”

“They [the Americans] provide jobs for more than twenty thousand Filipinos. They bring millions of dollars to this country. Can you do the same – you and your revolution?”

“Listen, our history is a history…of failed revolutions. Always, in the end, someone was bought or someone turned traitor. We are a nation of traitors…we delight in seeing the downfall of others, even friends. We betray for money, for revenge, for envy…but most of the time, out of sheer cussedness…We are also a nation of ingrates.”

“I organize on the basis of friendships, on being Ilokano…Most of the students are not really interested in demos, except that they mean no classes…Do you know what their interests really are? To pass – to be able to get a degree, and after that, a job. Politics is a luxury of the rich.”

“Sorry for the language. But I just want you to know that there is no honor among the poor. In the Barrio, who are the thieves? Our own neighbors who get the laundry we hang outside our hovels – they steal them to sell to second-hand clothes stores. It is not the cats who get the fish we dry on our roofs; again, it is the neighbors who have nothing to eat. The Barrio is full of cheats, liars, drunks, sadists, perverts – and yes, we steal, we cheat, we lie because we don’t know where the next meal will come from. We grab what we can, from anyone. I ask you not to look at the village, at the poor with rose-colored glasses. There is nothing romantic about poverty. It is totally, absolutely, degrading.”

“This is not the time – the people are not really all that ready to accept violence; do you know what they want? Just peace – peace so that we can continue our miserable lives. More than that, the Americans are here. They will interfere. The oligarchy will convince them your revolution is communist even if it is not. And the rich – they are very strong, they are in power, in government. Where will you get the guns? The money? You will have to get them from the rich, and, in the end, they will lead, not you. No, this is not the time.”

“…I cannot argue against passion. There is no reasoning against the heart.”

“Life is learning and not much more. It is not loving because there is more hate in this world than love.”

“The first is that, while violence is necessary, it is not the only instrument for change. There are others just as good. But you must accept violence – you cannot begin to build until you have destroyed. You do not know love until you have hated.”

“You must destroy the rotten foundations to build a new edifice. You must know how to identify and hate injustice before you learn to value, above all, justice.”

“Feelings are easy to hide. It is not like poverty which you cannot hide.”

“Yes, but we forget the basic things. We get over-confident, we think we have done right. It is the details – the small ones that get us.”

“You live with people. You share the same dangers every day. You think you can trust everyone, you become vulnerable. You start pouring yourself out. You get flattered – oh, not the obvious kind, but small things that imply you are doing well and you are loved. You are the source of all wisdom, of all hope. Without you, the whole effort crumbles. The salvation of the group – no, the whole country, depends on you. These make good wine and soon you are drunk. Not so much in believing these things, but knowing that you are esteemed. Respected – ha! That is the final accolade. We really do not look for love from people – we look for respect. Love – that is reserved for the gods. Those who are loved – they can expect to be hurt and be forgiven for their mistakes. That is the nature of love. But those we respect – they are more harsh, more demanding. We lose respect for a man and that man is dead. It is enough, I think, that we are believed.”

“It was not that I was afraid of violence – I saw it every day in the Barrio – the slow, deadly violence inflicted on us, the gang fights, the knifings that were common in Tondo, the malnutrition, the stifling dreariness that deformed the body and the spirit.”

“Anger – it was what had kept me alive, although I had tried to still it, keep it from flowing out, and defined it in another way, and expressed it with not violence but with cynicism.”

“Ka Lucio had said earlier, that there are two ways of looking at our lives – either as fate or as conflict. Only hogs are fated because they cannot do anything except feed on the trough before they face the butcher’s knife. But men are men – they can do something about the future. Our life is a conflict then. They – or we. Self-defense, survival. Whatever we do, we can put it simply thus. And government? Ka Lucio did not have to tell me that it was an instrument of the rich, that government committed violence on us every day by not providing us with justice.”

“Should I have protested then? Should I have screamed and lashed away at the police pigs and my torturers? I thought about it later; I did right appearing meek and submissive. I was a prisoner no matter what the law said; I did not carry a gun – they did.”

“If you are poor – you cannot get out. There are no rich people in jail. They can afford bail, the best lawyers. They can even buy judges.”

“Who is innocent and who is guilty? The poor are always guilty and the rich are always innocent. Get some lawyer to stand for you. But while you are here, you must follow the rules – theirs and ours.”

“The police, what do you think they are for? Their pay, first of all – and the more they can get, through foul means if necessary, the more they will get it. They are not here to help us; they are here to maintain order so that we will continue being what we are – poor because we are poor.”

“Everyone up there was comfortable as long as we were down here. It was simple as that. And this jail – it was so easy to tear it down, to build cell blocks that did not leak, and toilets that did not smell. And the greatest enemy – boredom, what was there to dispel it, to defeat it? The violence, of course, was the ultimate relief. It also sustained the power of those who watched over us, of those who wanted us deeper in the bog.”

“It was perhaps the food, or the foul air, but I could recognize it at once in the harsh light of day – the inmates had that unmistakable pallor of people in Tondo, the dirty, mottled, pallid skin which hunger brought to people; indeed, I saw it then so clearly, so implacably real – that the Barrio was the far more insidious prison for while it had no walls, the people in it were really no different from those in this jail.”

“This is a world not of black and white but of greys, and it is really in this huge grey geography where we act out our fates. I envy those who have chosen the black and white for, to them, they have simplified living. There are no more storms within them to be stilled, no more muddied choices; there is only one intractable way, clear and straight, and they cannot deviate from it.”
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