Heart to Heart Talk #2: Rotten Apples

“There is no problem with being alone – just wait for that good apple whom you have a special heart connection with, rather than lower your standards and think that rotten apples who want you are still okay.”

That is from an older male friend of mine; I just tweaked and revised his advice for me. A few blog entries ago, I posted about how excited I was to have my next boyfriend.  However, at this point in my life, I have learned that my friend was right. Men will be men – and associating with them would not always give good results unless you are in a true love or twin flame relationship. Just think about Taylor Swift. Her reputation is largely damaged by her associations with men. I am not saying that men are horrible creatures. What I mean is that heterosexual men will always want to associate with women for romantic or sexual reasons. For twenty years of my current incarnation here, that is what I have found out. I haven’t had a completely platonic relationship with a man because they would always want more. (I’m also blaming my Lilith in the 10th house.) It’s like if they want themselves to be part of your life, they either want to be your boyfriend or to have sex with you. If they don’t make an effort in being a part of your life, then there’s nothing. Just a few hi’s and hello’s – or even nothing at all.

I will be completely honest here. All of my exes were not really my biggest crushes before I had relationships with them. Most of the time, I agree to be their girlfriend because of the affection and attention that they give me. At first, I thought that love was all that matters. Also, I thought that I could learn to love some of them. But no. If initially you already feel a bit of a hesitation and you don’t feel that you like them that deeply, I would suggest backing out of the relationship or the courtship phase. I’ve never really had a boyfriend that I had a crush on beforehand, because I had this core belief that I do not deserve my crushes. I thought that maybe I wasn’t good enough for them so I settled for less. It was not living a life of simplicity to learn contentment in a Buddhist way; it was lowering one’s standards because of having no self-worth. I gave away my self-worth to men who definitely did not deserve it.

My latest ex was a childhood crush. I overlooked the turn-offs that I initially noticed. I have tried falling deeply in love with him. However, I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the poor hygiene, the shallowness, his boredom regarding learning and knowledge, and the irresponsibility. I strive to be better every single day, learn more stuff, develop skills, and climb higher in life if I can, but I couldn’t see those efforts in him or in my other exes. I seemed like a bad person for breaking up with them, but I just couldn’t take it. Also, I still have persistent suitors today whom I already have rejected so many times. I’ve seen many red flags so I just can’t afford to settle for less again. Guess what they tell me? They tell me that I am too stuck up for having such high standards. They tell me that I feel like I am too intelligent and that they were sorry for being such stupid beings. They tell me that it’s not about the man’s educational or career achievements but the “sparks” and chemistry that happens between two people. What reasons. Who are they to dictate to me the qualities that I should like in the opposite sex? With all those mistakes and lessons I have learned from my past relationships, why am I being portrayed like a bitch for wanting someone that I think I deserve?

These suitors that I have mentioned were not rejected through their looks. I wasn’t attracted to them physically but I thought that maybe we should talk for a couple of days about deep stuff to get to know them better. However, one of them was pretentious and competes with me when it comes to knowledge because he knows my background and where I study right now. He debates with me even though he has the stupidest reasons just to prove me wrong in my arguments and make me fall in love with him. This person turned me off because he is just full of empty talks and promises but does not actually achieve tangible things in life (he’s 11 years older than me). He is really inconsistent and just drops everything when he is in a bad mood. I also noticed that he was too immature for his age. He got insulted when I said that I wasn’t looking for chemistry but for the intellectual capacity and the sense of responsibility in a guy. I really wasn’t insulting him; he just felt that he couldn’t pass my standards, standards which are normal for girls my age.

The other one was an engineer, but I really was not attracted to him physically. Physical attraction is important to me. He has the job and money but I honestly think that he is also immature for his age and a bit too shallow. His foot is in his mouth and I just don’t like the vulgarity of his words. He also asks stupid questions that can be answered with common sense. And when I tell him something interesting, we just can’t have deep conversations and that bores me. Also I have noticed some narcissistic and egotistical tendencies. I also haven’t been called beautiful by him. For me, being called beautiful by a suitor is very important because that means he appreciates your feminine beauty and that he really likes you. When someone interested does not call me pretty or beautiful, I start to think that they may be after my sexuality or that they think they are too good for me  to even take me seriously. I felt like he still falls in love like a high school kid and is too shallow for me to be with for a long time.

The last one was someone who already has a baby and has not finished his studies because of laziness. I am pretty sure that it was not because of financial difficulties. I kept on encouraging him to continue studying but this person is stubborn. Now that he is a single father, he struggles in making ends meet for her daughter. When he said that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I refused, he got angry and told me that I have high standards. Of course I would have high standards because I am always working on improving myself and steering away from self-destructive behaviors. If he cannot even do that for himself, why would I even entrust my future to him, right? In the end, girls will always be the ones who will suffer because most boys are only kind during the courtship phase. When girls fall in love, they will still give and give love even though their boyfriends’ horns have already resurfaced.

I guess the most important point that I want to make is that we should always pick someone who is on our level (trust me, this is not about ego or superiority or anything, but harmony between a couple). So far I have only had those who are a bit below me, so I was unhappy. Most of my past relationships were really controlling because of their insecurity. Oftentimes, I get told that I am too smart for them, that I am too arrogant because of that, that they are sorry for being not on my level, that I am basically a bitch who cannot overlook their insufficiencies. Honestly, I do not really behave arrogantly towards them. I just get irritated sometimes when I make poems for them and they do not appreciate it because they hate reading. I also hated it when I wanted so bad to talk about some ideas or concepts but they get bored because they thrive on the superficial aspects of life. I needed someone who is intelligent, responsible, and attractive enough for me. I needed someone equal to me because those that aren’t always project their insecurities to me. I need someone who always understands because we’re pretty much the same, someone open-minded and open to learning more, someone who can teach me things that I don’t know. And I just hate it when those rejected suitors say to me that I am too snobbish just because they did not pass my standards. But really, was that my fault?

You know I hate being single especially for a long time. I crave intimate connection and the feeling of being in love. However, I only see rotten apples so far. I cut cords and got rude to them because they just wouldn’t leave me alone even though I have already rejected them so many times. I do not see myself being happy with them. And maybe they wouldn’t be happy with me too, because they like me for the wrong reasons. I’m sure they did not feel a special connection with me too. They just want to make me theirs in order to boost their egos. Nope, I already know that. You can’t fool me. I can detect pretentiousness and whatever crappy mask that you put on. Well, I just have to wait for that perfect man for me even if it takes me a long time. Being with someone who is not on your level is really a pain in the neck, trust me. Plus, you will feel misunderstood all the time. And they will blame you for their insecurities. Having standards is not synonymous to being snobbish, because spending time with admirers who are below you will just be a waste of time for both parties. 


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