What I Did during the 2016 Summer Vacation


I feel really unproductive since I have sworn to myself that I would finish my whole thesis by July, but right now I still find myself watching Koreanovelas about their courtesans or gisaeng  until four in the morning and basically doing almost nothing. But I do wash the dishes, laundry my underwear, read a rather boring novel, and watch Beauty Bible episodes. Sometimes I buy grocery and cook healthy veggie dishes, but sometimes I just eat junk food like instant ramen with pink plastic chopsticks infused with kimchi. Recently I have been learning about Asian culture, specifically Japanese and Korean, through watching documentaries about ramen, kawaii culture, and gisaeng. Sometimes I feel like a gisaeng, engrossed in honing my artistic skills and reading a wide variety of books, but in the end I am just a woman that is seen as an object, useless without beauty, and deprived of love.

During the first month of the summer vacation, I sought feminist books everywhere for my undergraduate thesis. My thesis is the only big obstruction that is in the way of my college graduation, and I am so terrified of it. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because my heart does not delight in what I do. I do not like making academic papers and getting grilled because of it – because I think that the academics like to think of themselves as very important to the point of discarding any other kinds of knowledge other than those taught inside the stale atmosphere of a classroom. Some academics are already getting too dogmatic and too narrow-minded because they’d like to think of themselves as all-knowing gods. But perhaps they just represent Saturn in my life – the delay, the strict authority figure, the biggest obstacle – but my heart does not desire a degree. It desires a wide knowledge of the arts, freedom to make art and beauty, beauty itself, and an experience of a true love. My Saturn is in the 7th house so probably that’s why I do not put much effort into my studies. What occupies my mind most of the time is when I will have my next boyfriend – but Saturn puts me into harsh situations whenever I get into a relationship out of loneliness instead of love. Anyway, instead of achieving some academic stuff, I am mostly concerned about my survival, on how I can improve and grow externally and internally. For me, grades are only illusions, formulated based on external factors and societal standards. But I will do my best in getting a college diploma if that would make my image prettier or fancier. Haha.

And yet I have turned into a hermit during the two-month vacation from school; and I have accomplished nothing – I was useless. And so I have been projecting this fear of being useless and unproductive to other people, specifically men who take interest in me (if there is any haha). My experience in 2016 is definitely different from the past few years, because I “act” like a star before, always going out with friends and enjoying how people look at me from here and there. My moon back then transited into the sign of Aries, so I was so extroverted and I always wanted to be outside the house. I was also attracted to Arian qualities in men, and coincidentally my boyfriend back then was an Aries rising. Very aggressive, dominant, an alpha male, but too combative. However, when 2016 came, my moon transited into the sign of Taurus, turning me into a mellow, introverted, and predictable creature. And now I value physical beauty and hygiene in a partner more than anything else. It doesn’t matter if he is an alpha male or not – I just need to be nurtured by his handsomeness and tactile affections. It feels like my self has decided to rest after three years of extroversion and showing off. Now I am forced to sink back into myself again, look inside, and face the rottenness that I have done to myself. At times I turn into a demon, I become possessed by these dark entities inside me, and I need to cleanse myself so bad so the demon child inside me can be accepted and turned into my own inner child, the bullied little Thea who believes she is ugly until now.

Going back to the topic which I put into the title of this post, as I have said earlier, I haven’t achieved much. I didn’t do the things necessary to make a postal ID, a passport, and a bank account because I have spent most of the time inside my room. I watched videos in order to learn more about beauty, the divine feminine, the healing power of females when they are together, some boring documentaries about history, and recipe videos. I was always eager to learn more recipes, appreciate the ingredients and make a delicious artwork out of food – but now I already feel lazy just by the thought of cooking. I also bought a huge amount of pretty clothes in thrift stores, and I threw away the clothes that I do not wear anymore. I had a closet makeover and now I am training myself in wearing sleeveless tops. Haha! I also read the books that I have accumulated throughout the years, the books that my mother did not want me to buy, so definitely I have discovered more worlds other than my own in my small room. I have Jupiter in the 4th house, so I explore and expand and grow only in the comforts of my home, when it is silent and no one is around. If I ever do travel, it is only in my mind. I can definitely make my own empire of books; I have so much and most of them are still unread. I get obsessed in learning certain things for a small amount of time, and then I move on to the next thing, then to the next thing, and then to the next thing. My Mercury in the 1st house is restless and scattered. I need someone to structure me and make me concentrate on one field of study. It’s because I also feel bad when I leave one thing unfinished and unmastered. Wicca and veganism seem to be lifetime commitments because they are lifestyles, but I jump from one thing to another and I feel bad because I cannot identify with being a vegan witch anymore. I have too many cheat days.

Watching historical Koreanovelas like Hwang Jini may seem like a waste, but I can relate to it more right now because I am starting to delve deeper into the feminist school of thought and the spiritual teachings about the divine feminine energy. Women cry and laugh together; no one understands a woman more than another woman. Competition and jealousy only result from girls not opening their hearts as they ought to do. I also feel like I understand the points of view of all the characters involved. I am not sure if I just grew up, or if it’s because of my Mercury in Libra. I have also learned the hard way not to hate, and to erase it from my vocabulary because I don’t even know what those people are going through or where they are coming from. I don’t even know that wounds that they possess to drive them into doing such hateful things. Of course I still dislike some people, but it would be better to just leave them alone and stay away from their angry energy fields and remove them from our minds. Hate is a self-destructive force, a prison and a poison. It crossed my mind to do a physical and spiritual detox or cleansing because I see the ugliness in my soul. I see the scars, wounds, hatred, and anger. They still drive me crazy, and I cannot bear to think that I have an ugly soul.

Two months has already passed with me doing nothing, but it’s almost impossible for our souls to not grow even an inch within those few emotionally challenging months. During the current Cancer season, I am working on myself internally instead of externally doing things and wanting to see tangible results right away. The extreme Cancer influence also made me want to make a baby of my own through sending me subconscious messages in my dreams, but my aunt advised me to just make the best out of my youth right now and only try to have a baby when I am past thirty years old. She told me to not waste my beauty in having a jealous and selfish boyfriend and if possible, according to her, I should remain single until I found a man who is worthy of me. I am not close to my aunt so I don’t know what made her say that to me. Perhaps an angel wants me to know those words of wisdom through her. Anyway, I hugged my sister two hours ago. She thought that I was crazy but I am just so thankful to have a sibling that came in to this world in the same feminine energy. I hugged her so I can feel her energy field and send love to it, hoping that it would help in healing her ovarian cancer. It’s such a feminine illness to have. I’ll give her a baby if she wants one of mine. So I guess that’s it for now, I still have two weeks of internal work to do before I go back to school, Namaste!

0 comments:

Post a Comment

Powered by Blogger.