Cancer Talk: Family, Emotions, Depression (Life Update)

It’s Cancer season (I mean the zodiac sign Cancer) now, so I’m sorry if I’m doing a depressing post. Things have been so sad and emotional for me right now, especially things regarding my family, since Saturn in Sagittarius is currently transiting my fourth house (house of home). It really triggers a lot of family, childhood, and Saturn in Pisces issues for me. It’s really hard, I tell you, and I have been crying since last night because Saturn just slapped me hard in the face. And I think the Cancer season is also the culprit here, since my moon is in Cancer and every time it’s July I just go through devastating stuff like illnesses, intense fights with my mother, etc. Old unhealed stuff just come out into the surface and makes me go into defense and warlike mode, especially because I have my berserker Mars in Scorpio. By the way, I think Mars is in Scorpio for about four months now (I am not quite sure) – and it just makes it a lot worse for me because when my buttons get pushed during this time, I transform into a little girl warrior who freaks the hell out of people around her. I am kind but when you abuse my kindness I will definitely kill you. I am not exaggerating; this is really me. My natal Mars and Pluto are conjuncting in Scorpio. And my Venus is in Scorpio too. So I’m definitely a Plutonian warrior, just don’t do bad stuff to me. Because you might activate my sinister and revengeful self. I am not a bad person, you know, and the spirits around me know that I also have a big heart. It’s just how my Mars defends my wounded self. I turn into a nuclear weapon.

Last night, I just had an angry outburst in front of my mother because she kept on shouting at me and criticizing me because she felt like I had disrupted her moment of peace in front of the television. My smartass sister just pushed my buttons because of a stupid spicy ramen, and I couldn’t fight my sister (because my parents would automatically see me as the bad person in the situation, as they always do) so I wanted my mother (who witnessed what happened) to defend me because it hurt me so much to be disrespected like that when my sister really had no logical reason to do so. But my mother played deaf so I told her how unfair she was because I remember a big family fight during January wherein my sister and I had a fight and my mother immediately attacked me in my room right after my sister told her her side of the story while she didn't care hearing about my side of the story. They didn't even care when I tried to run away from home during that night. It was so fucking unfair, my mother clearly shows that she had her favorite daughter. And so we had a mother-daughter fight last night. She was pointing a knife at me and was threatening to throw a chair at me. She just became so physically violent but when my anger reached its limit, her Mars in Taurus just shut up when My Scorpio Mars in the third house started lashing out at her and expressed so much power and accumulated anger through my words and voice. My tears fell down my face but I was still exhibiting anger at her like a lion. My father wanted to intervene but he was in awe when he watched me get angry. Both my parents froze when it was my turn to fight and stand up for myself. I just instinctively knew the right words to hurt my mother; and I always knew what was going on under the surface so all the family’s dark secrets were just spewed out of my mouth during those crucial minutes and at that moment, I knew that my parents were afraid of me (and remained afraid of me after the fight). My mother tried so hard to keep looking strong and defensive but she didn’t know what to do when I bawled and screamed at the top of my lungs because of anger and it was all directed at her. It was an intense fight; and the warrior inside me ended up in tears in my room. Only my father understood me.

I can only write about it right now because I am now in my right mind. You have no idea how dark my thoughts were earlier – all I could think of were ways of hurting them more so they’d fear me and try not to hurt me again. Now I understand better how anger becomes a defense mechanism: we hurt people and create walls because we were hurt and doing things that hurt them in return would separate us from those who threaten our emotions, ego, and survival. It’s better than staying in victim mode and hating yourself for not defending you. And I feel no shame about the way I get angry – I don’t care whether our neighbors would talk about me; they have no right anyway because they didn’t even know what happened. I am actually a bit proud of myself for unleashing my warrior side because when I was in kindergarten, I was bullied almost every day and I didn’t know how to defend myself. I just forgive them every single time they hurt me, still being an unadulterated soul before, but now I have this bigger ego that I will never ever permit anyone so stupid to cross my boundaries. This isn’t my default self anyway; it only comes out whenever someone does something really bad to me. Anyway, I really do have mother issues. I always hug her and all, but there’s this invisible wall between us that we cannot break down for some reason. My mother just doesn’t understand me at all. our worlds are completely different from each other, and I am probably the black sheep of the family because they perceive me as someone who is a threat to their peaceful existence. My family has Taurus emphasized in their charts, while Scorpio is emphasized in my natal chart so I’m pretty intense. And that kind of opposition between me and them makes me the black sheep. But my Jupiter in the 4th house also says that I might be the golden child of my family, but my Lilith is also in Cancer which signifies rejection from the mother or the family, so yeah. That’s the paradox. The chaos. The yin and yang of life. My mother and I both have our moons in the sign of Cancer so that should be a sign of our connectedness but our Mars signs are in opposition with each other. And my harsh aspects to my moon probably explains my very harsh and bipolar relationship with my mother. I wonder if this is a part of the big lesson that I have to learn in this life…because being emotionally damaged by your own mother from your childhood until your adulthood is definitely not easy.

Anyway, I get that I am not meant to be in this family. I thrive better when I am away from them. So despite the emotional turmoil and filthy chaos thrown at me because of being born in this family, I get to plan ahead regarding my own independent life after I graduate and other stuff that I will do to myself and by myself just to get away from the family that doesn’t want me anyway. I will create my own empire, and through the wounds that they have inflicted on me, I will strive to become stronger. I will strive to reach the dreams that I dream, the dreams that my family didn’t care about. But surprisingly, although my father was too afraid to intervene between the two female warriors who are my mother and myself, he was the only one who cared to talk to me and feed me and comfort me after the intense family fight. So for now perhaps I will focus on caring for my father because he is the only one who definitely appreciates the things I do for our family. I think he secretly roots for me, he roots for my soul and is happy to see me succeed in life, because I am his eldest daughter and I look more like him. Perhaps when he witnessed my fight with my mother, he was reminded of his own troubles during his childhood with his siblings, struggling to get noticed while his mother had her own favorite child who was not him. Perhaps he roots for me because I can defy my own mother when she already causes me so much emotional damage. Perhaps I inherited his own personal problems and I have dealt with it in the way he wished he could have done. I think my father is a very beneficial presence in my life and I will definitely do my best to defend him in any way from the people who tries to hurt him and I will take care of him as he gets older. Those small gestures that he had done for me when I was in one of the lowest moments in my life will definitely get back to him sevenfold. J That’s just what I realized recently…people who truly care for you magically show up when you are down in the dumps, and they're like stars in the middle of darkness.


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