Last night, I had a scary dream. It was long but it featured my ex-boyfriend and in my dream he was so obsessive and he hired some boys to kidnap me so he would have me all to himself. It was so scary because he has gone crazy, the drooling kind of crazy, and angry at the same time because he couldn’t accept that I already left him. I tried my best to escape – and although I have escaped many times from those hideous boys, they kept coming back. He seemed really hungry and vengeful. He was a monster. In real life he doesn’t communicate with me anymore, but he is still eager to talk to me when I talk to him first. He admitted that he still likes me, that he still wanted our relationship to work out, that he wants to see me so badly, but I don’t want it anymore. It doesn’t mean that I always lose interest easily; I was just unhappy with our relationship because we are on different levels and we keep on clashing and I felt like he was just not enough. And I don’t want any more of the halitosis, the poor hygiene, the lack of ambition, the delusions, the insecurity and inferiority complex, the fearful nature, etc. I felt like he was not enough for me because he cannot take care of himself first. I could really feel deep down that he also felt that he was not enough for me but he just shrugged it off because he was so attracted to me. But it’s not how it works. The failed relationship made me learn that it is so important that your partner is not less, or too much, but just right for you. You have to be on the same level to understand each other.

Now I badly want to have a new boyfriend, a new romance that will thrill me and make me so inspired to finish my thesis and graduate happily. There are so many placements in my natal chart that emphasize a “relationship theme,” like having my Sun in Libra and my North Node in Libra conjuncting it, and having my Saturn in the 7th house. I think I am going to write a separate post about the Saturn in the 7th house and my experiences with it so far – but basically, Saturn being placed in one’s 7th house means that you have to balance out karma when it comes to relationships. I have to learn something through relationships. Perhaps I was too selfish before and I betrayed lots of people or romantic partners (I have my South Node in Aries). Whatever that is, Saturn makes me suffer and work hard a lot when it comes to relationships. I always attract the wrong men, men who deceive and betray me, and men who abuse me. One astrologer said that it’s just a payback for being relationship assholes in past lives. Anyway, even though I may rant forever about love and relationships, I just always feel this deep need for a partner. I always want someone to fall in love with. It’s just the way I am. And I can’t wait for that next special someone.

I asked my psychic about my next relationship and some clues about who this person is, and here is the brief answer that I got since it was only a free monthly question and not a paid session:

(click to see it better)

You see, it left me much more curious! I have been attending the university for four years now and yet he said that that person is still unknown to me. He better be good looking! And ever since I got that reply, I have been ignoring some persistent admirers whom I do not like at all. Before, I have this behavior that I get friendly to men who befriend me. And even though I sense some interest and I do not feel the same way, I still am friendly just because I do not like feeling lonely. Sometimes I agree to be the girlfriend of men whom I pity because they put in a lot of effort in courting me. But at least now I know that I should just be with the guy that I like a lot, and not be with just anyone just because they were the ones available at the moment. Saturn in the 7th house definitely makes the native learn more about relationships, often through the hard way. And it just gets better with time. I will be waiting on September, and I will update both the blog and the psychic if the prediction is indeed true. I wish you a happy love life too. Namaste!

She's A Bad, Bad Bitch: My Lilith in Cancer in the 10th House (Midheaven)

Sometimes when I study astrology, I feel bad and very dense, as if I literally feel the heavy energy that is said about a specific placement, planet or sign. I have my major planets in Scorpio, and that kind of makes me more intense and darker than the average Libra girl, who’s all about beauty and flirting and relationship stuff. My Mars and Pluto are in conjunct in Scorpio in my 3rd house, so I have this dark past or childhood wherein I really was bullied and so powerless and shitty. I was so na├»ve and innocent back then but people around me, especially children, just projected all of these hatred to me and the four or five-year-old me just endured all of these shame, guilt, and hatred when I should really be playing with Barbie dolls with my peers. I didn’t have a voice, and the children around me made fun of me believing I was ugly, with my Chiron in my 1st house. Now that I am twenty years old, I am facing a different stereotype because I look better now and I am very powerful with my voice and writing skills now. Growing up, I didn’t pay much attention to “avenging” myself but then I just naturally leaned towards acting, writing, and beauty. But right now there is one placement in my Midheaven that makes things kind of hard for me. It is Lilith in the 10th house.

There are a lot of descriptions of Lilith placements in the signs and houses on the internet so I’m not going to state them all, also because I am no astrologer. I am going to say my personal experiences with my Lilith placement. Both my Lilith and Moon sign is in Cancer – therefore, I am both the good mother and the bad mother. As a Cancer moon, I am an emotional sponge – I feel all kinds of energy there is emotionally, I don’t see or hear whatever, I am kind of an empath, and that makes me understanding and yet also very sensitive. I love nurturing other people but I also want to be nurtured in return. Astrologers say that Cancer moons have very nurturing mother who smothered them or gave them all their needs, but that doesn’t apply to me. I grew up seeing my mother as an enemy who neglected my emotional needs and rejected me. My mother has the most influence on me, but unfortunately, those influences were bad and traumatizing. I badly wanted her love, but I just get rejection in any way. She says things that hurt me like I am the black sheep of the family, I am not pretty, I am jealous of my pretty sister, and that she does not love me. Every single time, she just sides with my sister whenever there is a fight. Now, that is the negative manifestation of having a Lilith in Cancer in my life.

Lilith in Cancers like me use emotions are their weapon. Most probably, the natives have been manipulated and hurt so much one way or another that they have learned how to manipulate other people. Their manner of manipulation is emotional. Most of the time they play victims, martyrs, and they just know what to do to hurt the other person. They know the worst way to crush another person emotionally because in the earlier part of their lives, they were always emotionally hurt by the people close to them. Personally, I knew that I have that part wherein I just do something, consciously or unconsciously, to crush the person close to me who has somehow hurt me too. I just get the weirdest dramas and overreactions over the things that I do to people. I hit them emotionally, as deep as that trench in the Pacific Ocean. With Lilith in Cancers, betrayal can always be a theme. They will often be betrayed by people close to them, or near them. I cannot stress this enough – girls physically near me or emotionally close to me do this to me a lot. And I have also read other manifestations like difficulty in bearing children, etc., but I am not in that stage yet so I still have to watch out for other manifestations of Lilith in Cancer in my life. Also, I would like to add that although my mother is my worst enemy sometimes, there are no pretentions in our relationship. And she cannot hurt me without hurting herself too. She also has a Cancer moon and sometimes I think I existed in her life to be a mirror to herself.

For astrology enthusiasts out there, we know that our Midheaven or 10th house cusp is representative of our career, public image, and the way people perceive us from far away. My Midheaven is in the sign of Gemini, and I do not know exactly how people perceive me as Gemini-like, but people who do not know me that well think that I am smart, creative, and good in writing and language. I just have that reputation although I am by no means a Gemini in the way I think or see things. I also have a reputation of being dorky or nerdy before, when I didn’t pay attention to my physical beauty yet. Now, I have no planets in my 10th house cusp but my Lilith in Cancer is there. What does this mean? It means that your public image is sexy or slutty even though you are a virgin and only had two boyfriends. I am a virgin but people see me as a sensual and sexual being more than other girls around me that are sexually active. For the people who do not know me, or us who have Lilith in their Midheaven, we are the embodiment of Lilith – bad women with strong personalities, sexual, domineering, and arrogant. People just have this perception of me although that is far from reality. Yes, I may be intensely sexual because of having my major planets in Scorpio, but I am not as slutty as they think. Because Lilith is in the house of public image, then the sexiness of the native (esp. female) and its independent and strong personality is what is more obvious to the public although they may really be kind and sweet and shy. When I was younger, this reputation of mine drives me crazy. Young men get attracted to me but then young girls would also gossip about me, tear my reputation down, and badmouth me to my admirers. Some girls feel like I would steal their man from them or whatever even though I just mind my own business. This is by no means a narcissistic post, but this is an example of the manifestation of Lilith in the 10th house cusp.

Lilith is very different from a man’s chart and from a woman’s chart. The embodiment of this energy is for the females while in males’ charts, it indicates the kind of woman that they find sexually irresistible in a dark way. For me, Lilith in Cancer wounded me in very harsh ways as it involved my own mother, but it also made me aware of my subtle but emotionally destructive tendencies. Lilith in my 10th house cusp is kind of favorable for me, since I can emit sexuality whenever I want, sometimes unconsciously, and it only depends on the individual whether they would be attracted or threatened by it. Although I am often marginalized and bullied because of this, I think Lilith in my public image is lighter than having Chiron (the wounded healer) mar my own perception of myself (1st house). Sometimes the sexuality and sensuality given by my Lilith in the Midheaven works in my favor, so I have no choice but to accept it. Taylor Swift also has Lilith in the 10th house that’s why she is so attractive, especially to men, but have many female enemies and haters. Personally, I think part of that public hatred is self-inflicted, because she has let herself behave like a bitch sometimes. For women with Lilith in the Midheaven, they have to be extra careful of their behavior because this “evil seductress and manipulator” image is the most obvious to others even though the native may or may not be like that. They are infamous for their obvious sexuality, and nasty rumors and gossips just like to be around them all the time. They just carry Lilith’s energy with them and they can’t help it. Although some women are more like Lilith in their natural personalities or beings (Nicki Minaj, for example), women with Lilith on the Midheaven just get slapped by patriarchy more for behaving or appearing in such a Lilith way.

So these are all that I have to say regarding my own Lilith placement as an astrology enthusiast. Lilith has a bad reputation because she implicitly says “fuck you” to patriarchy’s face. But although she is somewhat the image of women empowerment, Lilith herself still has her own lessons to learn, like letting go a little bit of that bitchiness, being overly bad and rebellious, and sexual manipulation. That’s it for now, Namaste J

What I Did during the 2016 Summer Vacation

I feel really unproductive since I have sworn to myself that I would finish my whole thesis by July, but right now I still find myself watching Koreanovelas about their courtesans or gisaeng  until four in the morning and basically doing almost nothing. But I do wash the dishes, laundry my underwear, read a rather boring novel, and watch Beauty Bible episodes. Sometimes I buy grocery and cook healthy veggie dishes, but sometimes I just eat junk food like instant ramen with pink plastic chopsticks infused with kimchi. Recently I have been learning about Asian culture, specifically Japanese and Korean, through watching documentaries about ramen, kawaii culture, and gisaeng. Sometimes I feel like a gisaeng, engrossed in honing my artistic skills and reading a wide variety of books, but in the end I am just a woman that is seen as an object, useless without beauty, and deprived of love.

During the first month of the summer vacation, I sought feminist books everywhere for my undergraduate thesis. My thesis is the only big obstruction that is in the way of my college graduation, and I am so terrified of it. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because my heart does not delight in what I do. I do not like making academic papers and getting grilled because of it – because I think that the academics like to think of themselves as very important to the point of discarding any other kinds of knowledge other than those taught inside the stale atmosphere of a classroom. Some academics are already getting too dogmatic and too narrow-minded because they’d like to think of themselves as all-knowing gods. But perhaps they just represent Saturn in my life – the delay, the strict authority figure, the biggest obstacle – but my heart does not desire a degree. It desires a wide knowledge of the arts, freedom to make art and beauty, beauty itself, and an experience of a true love. My Saturn is in the 7th house so probably that’s why I do not put much effort into my studies. What occupies my mind most of the time is when I will have my next boyfriend – but Saturn puts me into harsh situations whenever I get into a relationship out of loneliness instead of love. Anyway, instead of achieving some academic stuff, I am mostly concerned about my survival, on how I can improve and grow externally and internally. For me, grades are only illusions, formulated based on external factors and societal standards. But I will do my best in getting a college diploma if that would make my image prettier or fancier. Haha.

And yet I have turned into a hermit during the two-month vacation from school; and I have accomplished nothing – I was useless. And so I have been projecting this fear of being useless and unproductive to other people, specifically men who take interest in me (if there is any haha). My experience in 2016 is definitely different from the past few years, because I “act” like a star before, always going out with friends and enjoying how people look at me from here and there. My moon back then transited into the sign of Aries, so I was so extroverted and I always wanted to be outside the house. I was also attracted to Arian qualities in men, and coincidentally my boyfriend back then was an Aries rising. Very aggressive, dominant, an alpha male, but too combative. However, when 2016 came, my moon transited into the sign of Taurus, turning me into a mellow, introverted, and predictable creature. And now I value physical beauty and hygiene in a partner more than anything else. It doesn’t matter if he is an alpha male or not – I just need to be nurtured by his handsomeness and tactile affections. It feels like my self has decided to rest after three years of extroversion and showing off. Now I am forced to sink back into myself again, look inside, and face the rottenness that I have done to myself. At times I turn into a demon, I become possessed by these dark entities inside me, and I need to cleanse myself so bad so the demon child inside me can be accepted and turned into my own inner child, the bullied little Thea who believes she is ugly until now.

Going back to the topic which I put into the title of this post, as I have said earlier, I haven’t achieved much. I didn’t do the things necessary to make a postal ID, a passport, and a bank account because I have spent most of the time inside my room. I watched videos in order to learn more about beauty, the divine feminine, the healing power of females when they are together, some boring documentaries about history, and recipe videos. I was always eager to learn more recipes, appreciate the ingredients and make a delicious artwork out of food – but now I already feel lazy just by the thought of cooking. I also bought a huge amount of pretty clothes in thrift stores, and I threw away the clothes that I do not wear anymore. I had a closet makeover and now I am training myself in wearing sleeveless tops. Haha! I also read the books that I have accumulated throughout the years, the books that my mother did not want me to buy, so definitely I have discovered more worlds other than my own in my small room. I have Jupiter in the 4th house, so I explore and expand and grow only in the comforts of my home, when it is silent and no one is around. If I ever do travel, it is only in my mind. I can definitely make my own empire of books; I have so much and most of them are still unread. I get obsessed in learning certain things for a small amount of time, and then I move on to the next thing, then to the next thing, and then to the next thing. My Mercury in the 1st house is restless and scattered. I need someone to structure me and make me concentrate on one field of study. It’s because I also feel bad when I leave one thing unfinished and unmastered. Wicca and veganism seem to be lifetime commitments because they are lifestyles, but I jump from one thing to another and I feel bad because I cannot identify with being a vegan witch anymore. I have too many cheat days.

Watching historical Koreanovelas like Hwang Jini may seem like a waste, but I can relate to it more right now because I am starting to delve deeper into the feminist school of thought and the spiritual teachings about the divine feminine energy. Women cry and laugh together; no one understands a woman more than another woman. Competition and jealousy only result from girls not opening their hearts as they ought to do. I also feel like I understand the points of view of all the characters involved. I am not sure if I just grew up, or if it’s because of my Mercury in Libra. I have also learned the hard way not to hate, and to erase it from my vocabulary because I don’t even know what those people are going through or where they are coming from. I don’t even know that wounds that they possess to drive them into doing such hateful things. Of course I still dislike some people, but it would be better to just leave them alone and stay away from their angry energy fields and remove them from our minds. Hate is a self-destructive force, a prison and a poison. It crossed my mind to do a physical and spiritual detox or cleansing because I see the ugliness in my soul. I see the scars, wounds, hatred, and anger. They still drive me crazy, and I cannot bear to think that I have an ugly soul.

Two months has already passed with me doing nothing, but it’s almost impossible for our souls to not grow even an inch within those few emotionally challenging months. During the current Cancer season, I am working on myself internally instead of externally doing things and wanting to see tangible results right away. The extreme Cancer influence also made me want to make a baby of my own through sending me subconscious messages in my dreams, but my aunt advised me to just make the best out of my youth right now and only try to have a baby when I am past thirty years old. She told me to not waste my beauty in having a jealous and selfish boyfriend and if possible, according to her, I should remain single until I found a man who is worthy of me. I am not close to my aunt so I don’t know what made her say that to me. Perhaps an angel wants me to know those words of wisdom through her. Anyway, I hugged my sister two hours ago. She thought that I was crazy but I am just so thankful to have a sibling that came in to this world in the same feminine energy. I hugged her so I can feel her energy field and send love to it, hoping that it would help in healing her ovarian cancer. It’s such a feminine illness to have. I’ll give her a baby if she wants one of mine. So I guess that’s it for now, I still have two weeks of internal work to do before I go back to school, Namaste!

Zodiac Seasons

I can see the way the astrological seasons influence my life in a big way. It is like watching the moon for Wiccans, noting their phases or the zodiac signs the current full moon is in – and from there they would decide what spells they would use to manifest on this third dimensional plane. When it’s Capricorn season, I feel like I had to do something productive; I feel compelled to do a New Year’s resolution that I would be doing for a whole month but then it changes when it’s Aquarius season. I would definitely abhor any kind of routine, there’s a sudden mental surge that comes through me and goes out through my fingertips, to the keyboard and to the paper -- yet I still couldn’t grasp what exactly happens to me, it’s kind of abstract and stubborn. And when it was Pisces season during this year, I met someone very special to my eyes, and we had a whimsical romance that was forbidden but permitted by the forces of nature. And so we felt like we were on the clouds of the mountaintops, or beneath with the coral reefs that hide us from people that are against our relationship. I was so in love with my own delusions, my own ideals of him, that when the Aries season came, he was suddenly naked, he couldn’t face me anymore, and the truth about his insincerity surfaced so I slowly burned with my wrath for him. And yet he continued to fool me with Neptune’s confusing mist, but Mars the god of war was already ruling the month so I stood up for myself and lashed out on the selfish lad. I faced challenges alone, self-centered yet self-loving, after I severed ties with the one whom I was in love with when Pisces clouded my logical mind. When the Taurus season came, I started doing things for my stability: getting ready to move to a cleaner boarding house, finishing my papers and studies for the semester, and doing beauty routines at night. It was kind of a boring and predictable month, but then the Gemini season came and I found myself interacting energetically with the world around me, with my friends and family, although I was detached to the closeness and warmth that I should be feeling. I was spewing out words of wit that make people laugh, and the atmosphere everywhere was just so full of chatter. I was comfortable with reading so many academic books then but when the Cancer season came, I suddenly felt lazy to do that so I picked up fantasy books of Neil Gaiman instead. I became absorbed in my own seabed of daydreams, reaching back to Neptune to further enrich the imaginations, and yet I was also drowning in the dark waters of the past. I found myself in bursting conflicts with the mother who nurtured me; so I cursed the moon who pulled me back from the emotional chaos that I was trying to escape from. My early childhood pain harshly inflicted by Chiron and Pluto started to get sore again, so now I find myself being a hermit once more, self-pitying, wallowing from the pain, and hesitating whether or not I should avenge my poor self. And as I am working inward and trying to lick my wounds during this Cancer season, I impatiently wish that it would be Leo season right away, so I could come back to the world again, shining brightly and prettily like the sun in the morning. 

Suitors Are Like Books (Poem)

Books are like

They just sit there
On your bookshelf
Waiting for you to notice
Or use them
In any way you desire.

But some books
Have such handsome covers
That make you want to taste them open
Right away.

In times of loneliness,
Of boredom or despair,
A book is our quick
Pill to health –
Just as romance seems
To be the crayons
Of our gray-scale world.

Some books are so yummy
They can sweep you away
With its first uttered sentence;
Keeping you engrossed
Until the last page
When you have to forget it
In a dusty corner.

Some books are dull,
Purposeless, without ambition,
Trying hard to please you
Through rhymes, enjambments
And other empty words
So you “endure” and give it a chance
But it just is a piece of crap
That has a hypocritical cover
Intended to impress you,
But has no substance to nourish you.

But some books
Are our lifetime favorites
That we read from time to time.
They just have something
That touches the heart,
And embraces you
When you drop a tear.
And so we look for these types of suitors –
That may be paperbound, hardbound,
or torn
But they surely have that something
That is soulful, beautiful, 
and definitely not stupid. 

Pisces Descendant (of Virgo Ascendants)

This is from my own perspective, being a Virgo rising. Before, I wasn’t really conscious of how Virgo manifests in my personality, and how I struggle in opposition with Pisces-dominant people. For about a year I have believed that I had Leo rising, but when I double-checked and confirmed that Virgo was indeed my ascendant, everything made sense. I stand out most of the time but not because of having Leo energy. Perhaps it was because of the dominant Scorpionic energy in me (Venus in Scorpio, and Mars and Pluto conjunct in Scorpio) and Chiron in my ascendant. Chiron makes me different and somehow bullied (during my childhood) for who I am and for what I look like. Chiron in my first house makes me uncategorizable, misunderstood, and alien. It made me mold a mask for myself unconsciously, just to fit in. But ironically, that mask is being the center of attention, star of the show, and everything that the behind-the-scenes Virgo is afraid to be. I am either the outcast or the dominant figure – but most of the time I feel like an outcast because being the “star” is only my mask to somehow be respected (and not be bullied again). It is not who I am deep inside.

Anyway, back to Pisces descendant – the first manifestation of this in my life is that I am always in conflict with my younger sister who is a Pisces sun. Libra is my sun sign; and we could have lived together more harmoniously if Virgo was not my ascendant sign. Virgo is my obvious personality, and it is in opposition with her Pisces sun. We had always disagreed with each other for the smallest things. We disliked each other growing up, but it must have been hard for her because one Virgoan trait that I display in my family is being critical and saying my opinions even though most of the time they don’t wanna hear them, but her Piscean sense of escapism and dislike for conflict are just letting me chatter alone. She is always off to her own dreamland, so I couldn’t reach her. I couldn’t have the only playmate that I had in my childhood. She is so content in her fantasyland, but my Cancer moon felt so left out and neglected. Nobody could understand my emotional needs in my family. I think they were all escapists and disliking conflict so much that they keep on suppressing my Mars in Scorpio that just wanted to burst every time they ignore my constant need for love and affection. Having my Mars in conjunct with my Pluto, the result of that is almost having an unpredictable nuclear bombing in our home. And they hated me for that. They don’t want to face the chaos that they are creating. And I also couldn’t help my uncontrollable emotions, having a Grand Water Trine in my natal chart, in which Scorpio is obviously the most dominant.

The second manifestation of having a Pisces descendant in my life is having boyfriends or lovers or suitors that are irresponsible and are seriously in need of my help but are not willing to accept it or are not willing to change and they’d rather escape instead through daydreaming, being lazy, or through alcohol and marijuana. I am not really attracted to the Piscean quality in men; I actually like those who emit a powerful sexuality, having my Venus and Mars in Scorpio. However, the boyfriends that I’ve had are very kind at first, they hide their true selves appearing at first to be the positive qualities of Pisces but later on their true colors come up and I eventually see something chaotic, irresponsible, stubborn, self-pitying, and kind of stupid (I’m sorry) or lacking common sense. Being a Virgo rising, I would unconsciously attempt to fix them or try to change their negative qualities and turn them into achievers and responsible beings. At first they’d try to, to avoid making me angry, but in the long run, it was all a pretense. I always give up because they are more comfortable in being losers and doing nothing in life. Virgos just want to do something, do something, do something, or else they’d feel terrible for being unproductive. And to my frustration, I just attract men who need saving, acting like damsels in distress, but would resent me for trying to help them get out of their comfort zone.

Ethan Hawke  as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites (1994)

Those were my ex-boyfriends. But still, my Pisces descendant continues to manifest because I have one persistent admirer right now that still hopes that one day we will end up being together. But I do not like him and I reject him all the time! And I am just in awe of his thick face for hoping that I will fall in love with him when he still has existential crisis (he is eleven years older than me), still cannot finish his studies, does not go to school every day, and does not follow my advice. It's because I do my best in constantly improving myself while he cannot even show me a small hint of maturity that would make him husband-material. Perhaps one of the things that make Virgo and Pisces go in opposition with each other is the fact that Pisceans are idealists and perhaps devoured by their own delusions sometimes while Virgos are (kind of) harsh realists that want Pisces to actually “do something” tangible to make their imaginations come true. However, Pisceans dislike the way Virgos are disrupting their journeys on their non-existent utopias – but they cannot prevent Virgos for doing that, because Virgo always want to help! And Virgos get hurt when people do not appreciate their help, do not heed their advices, or resent them for their good intentions. And another thing that worries me is that I have Saturn in Pisces, manifested in a way that my father is an absolute escapist, always resorting to alcohol and cigarettes and is afraid to be a responsible father to me and my sister. I worry that one day I would have a husband that also has his negative tendencies, because too much idealism and laziness irk me. I just want to escape from my Pisces descendant, because I keep on attracting people who seriously need help but do not want any help from me.

I know that Pisceans out there also want to give me a piece of their mind, and say how unfair this post is, but this is coming from the perspective of someone having a Virgo ascendant. I know that we cannot stand each other sometimes; but as we mature, and resist each other’s annoying traits decreasingly, I’m sure that this relationship of astrological opposition will eventually make us grow. But right now, I am mostly concerned about my romantic affairs – surely, as a book-loving college student, I do not want another Piscean delinquent who won’t listen to my advice!

Old Friends and Another Man (Dream)

It seems like I am always asleep for literally a half day when I’m on vacation from school and I spend all those wasted time dreaming about strange stuff. Last night, I dreamt about many things but I will only tell what I remember. I was with an unknown friend and we were talking about how we were not religious and eventually he/she dared me to go to the church just for spite. We went there, and there seems to be a bible study or something for teens or for people around my age. They took turns in teaching each other stuff. One girl there was particularly kind to me, and she did not suspect that I was a malicious outsider to their religious group. And then, one guy around my age went in front of us to talk about God's grace in his life. I started getting sleepy, perhaps because I wasn’t interested at all in what they are talking about – but when I forced myself to wake up, lifting my drooping head and accidentally flipping my hair, the young man having a speech in front of us was shocked. I could see from his eyes that he was enamored with me, and I felt very beautiful in my dream, because that young man (whom I don’t know in real life) is fairly handsome too, although I was a bit cautious because I don’t know all about him. I don’t want to be involved and be stuck with a loser, you know.

After that, he followed me and said all sorts of things to make me agree to go out with him. And so we did. I think we ate somewhere, and then we parted. But he was really smitten with me, and I liked that feeling although I was not sure whether I also like him because I still haven’t stalked him regarding his background and real personality. But nonetheless, I really liked the feeling of having someone desire me so much, especially when they make it obvious. After we parted, I journeyed on my own, and I liked it. I had no problems taking my path alone (perhaps both literally and figuratively). I went to my school and saw my old friends there. They were my classmates in my dream. I dreamed of my dear friend, Patrick, and I greeted him for graduating as Magna Cum Laude in the University of the Philippines. His mother hugged me too – and that was strange because I thought they were so distant from me. Old acquaintances that I haven’t spoken to were very friendly to me in my dream. While I was in the classroom, waiting for our teacher, a girl asked me who my best friend was. Of course it was Angel, I thought. I knew that she was expecting me to become her best friend. I hesitated. My admirer from the church was also in the classroom, and he made me excited because the thought of a new romance excites me. His friend saw me too and he was equally enamored with me although he wasn’t saying anything.

That’s the end of the dream. Another man, huh? I wonder when I will have my next boyfriend… Anyway, men from my past are contacting me these days asking me whether I am still angry with them. I am not, because I do not care about them one bit, but it’s better to pretend that I am angry with them than have them annoy me as they persist to be in my life again. Oh no, I won’t let them take advantage of my sweetness again. I want a new lover so bad!

Gotten Pregnant by an Ex (Dream)

Dreams are vague, and it’s hard to make a properly chronological storyline because things just don’t connect at all or make sense. Boys are flirting with me in my dream, and I do not know the reason why and I do not why how they found where I am. It was K and J, two friends whom I encountered before and both of them flirted with me in real life. K liked me before but I always made him know that I did not like him back through my obvious actions although I wasn’t rude to him in speech. I liked J before because he really had a handsome face, and I later on found out that he had a Taurus rising. It’s unfair how Taurean people are always blessed with beauty! Librans do not necessarily have obvious physical beauty like Taureans do, but they almost “represent” beauty, they are obsessed with beauty, and they are beauty personified. The greatest blessing Venus bestowed Librans is charm, with or without beauty.

In my dream, K was joking with me while J was already sexually flirting with me. Suddenly I found myself screaming because he was almost already raping me. He undressed me and all that, but nobody heard me. After that, he stayed with me even though he did something to me. He was just chillin’ beside me, talking to me about everything under the sun, as if we were close friends. I mean, in real life we were, but I cut ties with him because he was already close to emotionally damaging me without being accountable for it (I’m not shallow for doing that, it’s a long story and if you knew the story you’d say that it’s the right thing to do). Anyway, back to my dream, I found out that I was pregnant – and we were sure as hell that J was the father of the baby. As far as I remember, I dislike him so much, but we were in good terms in my dream. I was actually glad that the father of my baby is a handsome man because the attractiveness of the baby was thus already secured.

And because gossip is easily spread by the wind who hears everything, people came to me one by one and asked, “Buntis ka? (Are you pregnant?)” Immediately and proudly I said yes to all of them, while rubbing my tummy. I was really so happy that J was the father of my baby, because I love to stare at his handsomeness. He was also proud that I was pregnant with him in the dream. The only problem was that he did not love me, and I did not love him too, but there was an attraction between us. And yet even attraction is worthless if love is not present, especially now that I was pregnant in the dream, but I was thinking that maybe he would learn to take care of me because I was the mother of his child. I don’t know what this dream means; perhaps I would just be extra careful of not impregnating myself especially if I am not engaged or something. Namaste J

An Angel's Miracle #1

Archangel Raphael

It has been a tough week for me, since I fought with my sensitive mother, a Cancerian in its lower form, wherein she is so sensitive only when it comes to herself, and not when it comes to the feelings of others. Seeing her so frail when she sleeps makes me feel bad about our wretched relationship, but her sensitivity does not excuse her for the bad things that she does to me. I am very sensitive as well, and I love people so much except when they give me a taste of their betrayal. And as long as she prevents herself from being accountable for the wounds she causes her children, I will never ever shut up and suppress my feelings.

Until last night, I was still very angry. I ran back and forth between forgiveness and feeling hurt. I always find myself feeding my anger and although it makes me feel powerful, it also makes me feel powerless, as I realized that I still have three weeks of being stuck here in this house. I always watch videos that are spiritual and supernatural in nature, so I have seen several videos about angels. I have seen Jannecke Oinaes’s interview of Diana Cooper about the angels, and I felt so inspired and loved by the messages there. Cooper said that we all have our guardian angels throughout our lives, and they still love us even though we do bad things because they understand that we have free will and that we live in duality in a very dense planet. Having this in my mind last night, I “tried” the existence of these angels.

“My angel, if ever I really have one by my side, please help me through this chaos. I do not have specific instructions, just please help me in any way that you can.” After that, I just let go. I turned my attention to Jenna Marbles and Julien Solomita’s podcasts on Youtube, listening to their silly dog stories and childhood stories and laughing with them. Just before I asked for an angel’s help, my mind was filled with dark thoughts like murder and whatnot. Just so dark and nasty and sinister. Time passed, I guess thirty minutes, or maybe an hour of chewing on a vegan burger, I was inspired to write about the whole experience of fighting again with my mother and I hugged her eventually, not because I totally forgave her, but because I wanted to get some of her energy and some inspiration to write the things that I needed to write. I knew that my heart chakra was recovering at that time. I never thought of putting my feelings into writing the whole time that I was angry. And then I woke up peacefully, healed of what had happened, and I think my angel just worked through my heart chakra, sending me its love and understanding, and turning my experience and emotions into something creative. And that, my friends, is my testimony of how an angel helped me. J

Drugs and an Overprotective Father (Dreams)

Two nights ago, I had a very disturbing dream. I guess it was kind of a nightmare. I saw someone, someone I knew (only in the dream but not in real life), who was just doing a lot of drugs. He/she saw me looking at him/her but I just walked past that person because I didn’t want to do anything with drugs. Then I kind of had a boyfriend in that dream and he seemed untrustworthy but I was in love with him nonetheless. And because I was associated with that guy, he introduced me to some people in his life and I eventually found myself in a dangerous situation because they were luring me in any way they can to take in drugs. I have forgotten the little details but basically, I was trying to escape them but they really got a strong hold on me. I was close to taking in the drugs that I really didn’t want to take and then the dream ended.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in Hawaii with my boyfriend. My boyfriend during that dream was Sundae, but even that dream was telling me that he only likes me sexually and nothing more. He just pretends to love me in exchange for my sexuality. But out of the blue, my father texted me and he was angry. He said, “Kahit nasa Hawaii ka pa, pupuntahan kita! Paano kung magkaroon ka pa ng maraming Sundae? Ha?” What he meant is that he would fly from the Philippines to Hawaii because he was afraid that I’d have too many boyfriends there and he was too far away to protect me. I was pissed off in my dream because I was enjoying having a boyfriend but scared at the same time because he did come to me in my dream, angry. 

I don’t know what’s happening in my subconscious or in the spiritual realm, but maybe I will really be offered drugs in the future. Huhuhu. Anyway, my dreams still have that “boyfriend” theme, and I’m getting impatient since I still don’t have any suitor right now. I know it’s not pretty to see a girl getting desperate over romantic matters, but I’m craving a love interest so badly right now because my own family members are damaging my heart. Anyway, I dreamt about my father right after I had an intense fight with my mother. I guess the dream only confirms that he cares so much about me, and the dream showed the anger that he tries to hide whenever I have a boyfriend. Perhaps the dream was only an affirmation that he is always there to protect me, and I just happen to associate his protectiveness of me only when it comes to having boyfriends. I’m not exactly sure if that's the case, but let’s see what happens in the future. ;)

Cancer Talk: Family, Emotions, Depression (Life Update)

It’s Cancer season (I mean the zodiac sign Cancer) now, so I’m sorry if I’m doing a depressing post. Things have been so sad and emotional for me right now, especially things regarding my family, since Saturn in Sagittarius is currently transiting my fourth house (house of home). It really triggers a lot of family, childhood, and Saturn in Pisces issues for me. It’s really hard, I tell you, and I have been crying since last night because Saturn just slapped me hard in the face. And I think the Cancer season is also the culprit here, since my moon is in Cancer and every time it’s July I just go through devastating stuff like illnesses, intense fights with my mother, etc. Old unhealed stuff just come out into the surface and makes me go into defense and warlike mode, especially because I have my berserker Mars in Scorpio. By the way, I think Mars is in Scorpio for about four months now (I am not quite sure) – and it just makes it a lot worse for me because when my buttons get pushed during this time, I transform into a little girl warrior who freaks the hell out of people around her. I am kind but when you abuse my kindness I will definitely kill you. I am not exaggerating; this is really me. My natal Mars and Pluto are conjuncting in Scorpio. And my Venus is in Scorpio too. So I’m definitely a Plutonian warrior, just don’t do bad stuff to me. Because you might activate my sinister and revengeful self. I am not a bad person, you know, and the spirits around me know that I also have a big heart. It’s just how my Mars defends my wounded self. I turn into a nuclear weapon.

Last night, I just had an angry outburst in front of my mother because she kept on shouting at me and criticizing me because she felt like I had disrupted her moment of peace in front of the television. My smartass sister just pushed my buttons because of a stupid spicy ramen, and I couldn’t fight my sister (because my parents would automatically see me as the bad person in the situation, as they always do) so I wanted my mother (who witnessed what happened) to defend me because it hurt me so much to be disrespected like that when my sister really had no logical reason to do so. But my mother played deaf so I told her how unfair she was because I remember a big family fight during January wherein my sister and I had a fight and my mother immediately attacked me in my room right after my sister told her her side of the story while she didn't care hearing about my side of the story. They didn't even care when I tried to run away from home during that night. It was so fucking unfair, my mother clearly shows that she had her favorite daughter. And so we had a mother-daughter fight last night. She was pointing a knife at me and was threatening to throw a chair at me. She just became so physically violent but when my anger reached its limit, her Mars in Taurus just shut up when My Scorpio Mars in the third house started lashing out at her and expressed so much power and accumulated anger through my words and voice. My tears fell down my face but I was still exhibiting anger at her like a lion. My father wanted to intervene but he was in awe when he watched me get angry. Both my parents froze when it was my turn to fight and stand up for myself. I just instinctively knew the right words to hurt my mother; and I always knew what was going on under the surface so all the family’s dark secrets were just spewed out of my mouth during those crucial minutes and at that moment, I knew that my parents were afraid of me (and remained afraid of me after the fight). My mother tried so hard to keep looking strong and defensive but she didn’t know what to do when I bawled and screamed at the top of my lungs because of anger and it was all directed at her. It was an intense fight; and the warrior inside me ended up in tears in my room. Only my father understood me.

I can only write about it right now because I am now in my right mind. You have no idea how dark my thoughts were earlier – all I could think of were ways of hurting them more so they’d fear me and try not to hurt me again. Now I understand better how anger becomes a defense mechanism: we hurt people and create walls because we were hurt and doing things that hurt them in return would separate us from those who threaten our emotions, ego, and survival. It’s better than staying in victim mode and hating yourself for not defending you. And I feel no shame about the way I get angry – I don’t care whether our neighbors would talk about me; they have no right anyway because they didn’t even know what happened. I am actually a bit proud of myself for unleashing my warrior side because when I was in kindergarten, I was bullied almost every day and I didn’t know how to defend myself. I just forgive them every single time they hurt me, still being an unadulterated soul before, but now I have this bigger ego that I will never ever permit anyone so stupid to cross my boundaries. This isn’t my default self anyway; it only comes out whenever someone does something really bad to me. Anyway, I really do have mother issues. I always hug her and all, but there’s this invisible wall between us that we cannot break down for some reason. My mother just doesn’t understand me at all. our worlds are completely different from each other, and I am probably the black sheep of the family because they perceive me as someone who is a threat to their peaceful existence. My family has Taurus emphasized in their charts, while Scorpio is emphasized in my natal chart so I’m pretty intense. And that kind of opposition between me and them makes me the black sheep. But my Jupiter in the 4th house also says that I might be the golden child of my family, but my Lilith is also in Cancer which signifies rejection from the mother or the family, so yeah. That’s the paradox. The chaos. The yin and yang of life. My mother and I both have our moons in the sign of Cancer so that should be a sign of our connectedness but our Mars signs are in opposition with each other. And my harsh aspects to my moon probably explains my very harsh and bipolar relationship with my mother. I wonder if this is a part of the big lesson that I have to learn in this life…because being emotionally damaged by your own mother from your childhood until your adulthood is definitely not easy.

Anyway, I get that I am not meant to be in this family. I thrive better when I am away from them. So despite the emotional turmoil and filthy chaos thrown at me because of being born in this family, I get to plan ahead regarding my own independent life after I graduate and other stuff that I will do to myself and by myself just to get away from the family that doesn’t want me anyway. I will create my own empire, and through the wounds that they have inflicted on me, I will strive to become stronger. I will strive to reach the dreams that I dream, the dreams that my family didn’t care about. But surprisingly, although my father was too afraid to intervene between the two female warriors who are my mother and myself, he was the only one who cared to talk to me and feed me and comfort me after the intense family fight. So for now perhaps I will focus on caring for my father because he is the only one who definitely appreciates the things I do for our family. I think he secretly roots for me, he roots for my soul and is happy to see me succeed in life, because I am his eldest daughter and I look more like him. Perhaps when he witnessed my fight with my mother, he was reminded of his own troubles during his childhood with his siblings, struggling to get noticed while his mother had her own favorite child who was not him. Perhaps he roots for me because I can defy my own mother when she already causes me so much emotional damage. Perhaps I inherited his own personal problems and I have dealt with it in the way he wished he could have done. I think my father is a very beneficial presence in my life and I will definitely do my best to defend him in any way from the people who tries to hurt him and I will take care of him as he gets older. Those small gestures that he had done for me when I was in one of the lowest moments in my life will definitely get back to him sevenfold. J That’s just what I realized recently…people who truly care for you magically show up when you are down in the dumps, and they're like stars in the middle of darkness.
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