My father actually loves me.

My father loves me. I just realized recently that he really does. He loves me and my sister in different ways, because we are two different girls after all, and it doesn’t mean that he favors one over the other. I have always longed for his protection. He does give our family some vibes of stability and trustworthiness but he was an absentee father. He was too far away. He did not really take care of his children – he was more a father to his chickens, in fact. He is an escapist. He always resorts to alcohol and chain smoking; but I never did once hear that he had a mistress. Maybe I had father issues. Maybe I really do. Perhaps I did not think of it that much because I thought that having distant fathers is normal. But I have always hungered for a male presence in my life – may it be through the form of a big brother, male best friend, boyfriend, or another father figure.

Last week was my menstruation week. When a woman menstruates, she feels more tired, sleepy, and sometimes she wants to be left alone. In my specific case, I oversleep when I am menstruating and I dream longer dreams that I can recall right after I wake up. The theme of my dreams for three consecutive nights is that I get ignored by my father so I rebel and go away and find a guy that I eventually develop romantic feelings for. However, with all of those dreams, I do not end up with the guy. I always long for them, and subtly chase them, but I don’t end up with them. There is always some sort of a problem that prevents me from having a boyfriend. I don’t know what those dreams actually mean but what I am sure of is that I have daddy issues. Maybe I unconsciously wanted to get the attention of a father figure through beautifying myself and attracting a guy my age.

My father was hostile to my ex-boyfriends. He didn’t like them all. (My mother was the one who told me that.) Maybe he wanted to protect his little girl from the sexual advances of adolescent guys but couldn’t voice his issues out because we were not close in the first place. Maybe he thought that I would just get angry at him for not liking my boyfriends, knowing my strong and fiery personality. During the time when I was still going out with my latest ex-boyfriend, he suddenly became so strict regarding the curfew hours. He didn’t treat me like that before. I thought he was always so neglectful of me. My parents just suddenly became stricter for no reason after I became twenty years old. I didn’t like their protectiveness at that time because I hated being with my family. The house was always in chaos whenever I am in there so I escape with my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, that was the start of my father’s increasing concern for his eldest daughter.

Three days ago, my parents had to spend two days and one night someplace else to bond with their officemates. And two days ago, I also had to spend time with my high school friends to a faraway place. Even before I travelled that morning, I was surprised that my father was already at our gate. He did not care about finishing their bonding with their officemates; and I had a feeling that it was because he was worried about me. He tried making my breakfast, giving me money, sending me to the bus terminal, basically making sure that I am okay. And when the dusk came, he immediately told me to go home. He was not the same father that I knew! I told him that I feared that maybe we would be home by midnight because it was already getting dark and it was hard to commute by then. I told him that the man who is supposed to drive us back to our homes is currently singing in the karaoke, and he plans to go home by midnight. I thought that he would scold me but my father just told me to relax and patiently wait for the man who will drive us back home. But eventually my friends got impatient and we managed to commute. My father was really worried about me, and I could feel it at that time. I just realized now that he always supports me through his actions. He also always does the work that is supposed to be mine like washing the dishes. I will always live like a princess as long as he is here. And right now while I am writing this in the middle of the night, I feel secure that I have a father soundly sleeping with my mother. His existence is a great help to me in terms of financial, material, and emotional security. Good night and Namaste. J


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