Dreaming about Men


I honestly do not want to sound slutty, you know, but lately the theme of my dreams is a man. Or men. There isn’t one particular man that shows up in my dreams; instead, those that show up are my previous crushes – A, E, M, and J. I’ve liked them long ago and there is no reason for me to flirt with them again or whatever, since we have moved on with our lives and we had our own lovers, but my dreams with these men are always filled with romantic feelings and happiness. In my dreams with them, they always show interest in me, and I always feel kilig. My dreams always have circumstances that show courtship. Just last night, I dreamt that I was with A and we were holding hands while quickly finding our way back home. We encountered some people, including his present girlfriend, who was very hostile with me in my dream. I didn’t even like A in my dream but he likes me a lot there. The next part of my dream is in our house. We had lots of visitors, including my first love, J. We found each other and had a conversation about how different we have become. He was really big and tall in my dream. Meanwhile, while we were loving each other’s company in my dream, the father of my ex-boyfriend was badmouthing me. I thought, oh well, he’s just feeling bitter that I don’t like his son anymore. And that’s basically it. I just find it weird that I am having romantic dreams in a row. Do I feel the lack of love in my life? Do I feel abundant in love? Is it the main thing I desire? Or, more importantly, is having romantic relationships my soul purpose in this current incarnation?

I’ve searched a few dream dictionaries on the internet and I have picked some things that resonated with me:
If you are female and you dream about a man, he may be a result of your desire to be in a loving relationship and may be representing your “ideal” man or “Mr. Right.”
He may be representing your Animus, the masculine aspects of your psyche.
Dream experts denote that men who appear in the dreams of women have an erotic significance in most of cases. A more recent European interpretation of this dream indicates that seeing a man is a good sign, as it provides security and strength to the woman that had the dream, and therefore she will know how to fight and to fulfill her desires.

I am not a dream expert, but I thought that maybe I am the best person to interpret my own dreams. Perhaps my dreams denote that I really desire a romantic relationship right now, and my dreams only used the personas of my previous crushes in order to indicate the romantic nature of my desires because I wanted to have relationships with them before. They may not really be the candidates to be my next boyfriend, but my dreams may mean that the person that I will be having my next relationship with is someone who I really like and desire. My last four boyfriends were the ones who desired me really bad (and not the other way around), and I only agreed to have a relationship with them because they were enamored with me. I wanted to feel secure and I don’t want to be the one chasing the man so I picked them. In the end, those relationships turned out to be miserable because I didn’t really like them deep inside. I know, I know, I may look bad right now but I am just a victim of the society’s expectations on girls. I can’t just chase whoever I like because I am a female! People look down on women like that, you know. Maybe my recent dreams about men are just indicative of my desire to have a boyfriend right now, but I’d like to believe that they’re omens that someone really awesome and handsome will offer himself to be my next boyfriend.

Sources:

Babies and Happiness (Dream)


Last night, I had a dream. And I didn’t expect what happened to me there. Perhaps it was my subconscious working and revealing the parts of myself that I didn’t even know. I had a baby in my dream, but I did not give birth. I was just given an immediate responsibility to take care of a fragile baby girl. I vaguely remember it but I guess the baby was from my sister who had an unwanted pregnancy in my dream. I also cannot process logically (now that I’m awake) why I accepted the responsibility of taking care of a baby girl that I did not give birth to, and why I was so happy as if it was my own child. The baby was barely one year old, but I could talk to her in my dream. Of course it was telepathic. I was always carrying her around, giving her milk to drink, etc. I was really careful of her. One night, in my dream, there was no electricity – and my bed was so full of stuff like books, laptop, big pillows, etc. I wanted to keep the baby next to me so she would be safe and I would just hear her cry whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night. However, I unintentionally left her because a female cousin of mine who was more than ten years older than me came and we had some business. Even though I was away from my baby, I just kept thinking about her. I kept thinking of how she needs me, of how warm and happy I feel when I hold her in my arms, and all that. I really did not expect that I would love to be a mother. Knowing myself, I really hate responsibilities of all kinds. I’m not a grounded person, I am a procrastinator, and in some ways I may be unreliable. I am always up in the clouds and sometimes I am not useful for anybody, except for when I cook for people. Because I love cooking. And so, when I was with my cousin, I always found myself giggling for no reason, or for reasons that I don’t remember. I just found myself and my cousin inside a cab, and Omar (name has been changed) sat beside me. I remember him as a stand-offish and intelligent kind of guy, being a Virgo (oops, I’m generalizing) – he was my crush years ago in the university but I gave up because he suddenly had a girlfriend. But in my dream it felt like he liked me too, although he just gives very subtle hints. I didn’t really care in my dream because I knew that I had a baby girl waiting for me in my room and that alone could give me so much happiness. And when I came back to my room, I was surprised to see my baby girl awake, but she was so still. She did not panic or cry while I was away. And that, basically, was the end of my dream. I woke up because I felt cold – it was raining and the electric fan was blowing me more cold air. When I woke up, I immediately realized that perhaps Omar would be my next boyfriend. I am not sure. I just speculated that maybe he had broken up with her girlfriend (she has recently graduated) or whatever, because a psychic told me that my next boyfriend would come from my school. But we cannot really rely on speculations, right? I would just be disappointed if I believed that a specific person would be the one even if my intuition is on point, you know. And I just realized too that maybe, deep down, I really wanted someone or something to nurture – and that may be part of my soul’s purpose (I am life path number 6). 

My 2nd Liver Flush of the Year!


I just finished my second liver flush for 2016, and I am not feeling very good. Last night, I drank a mixture of orange juice and olive oil and I felt the oil mixture shooting back into my stomach even before I have slept. I have now mastered the art of oil drinking that I did not leave much oil in my glass last night; but I spent a miserable day after that. When my mother woke me up at 8:00 a.m. before my parents went to their office, I felt nauseous and I needed to vomit. I ran into the restroom and vomited a bit of the oil mixture. My nose hurt a lot, especially my left nostril! I had a morning cold and my nose just got irritated by bile I guess, or my stomach acid. I also felt the immediate need to poop; and I had a soft yellow stool with no stones in it yet. Or maybe the stones were inside the tools. My stools right after I woke up were not yet watery. I went to bed again, miserable as my nose was hurting and my throat was flaming, hoping that I would get well when I get up a few hours later.

I woke up again at 10:00 a.m. My sister offered me soup. When I ate it, it tasted different. It tasted like a jackfruit. However, my sister said that she tasted the soup too but nothing was wrong; so I assumed that my taste buds did not function very well because I wasn’t feeling very well. We cooked our vegan fried rice together and as I ate half a raw carrot while chopping the ingredients, it tasted bitter instead of sweet! And I usually get happy after I cook fried rice and I could finish it alone, but I didn’t have a very good appetite earlier. I sort of forced myself to eat rice and vegetables. My lower tummy is hurting from then until now. I just hated this day. I don’t have that energy that I should have because of making my liver cleaner and lighter and healthier.

I pooped little green stones of cholesterol four times in the restroom. It was always diarrhea, or watery, and you might think it was easy to release the toxic poop but it was not! I was always sweating profusely the whole time. The toxicity of the stones and any other liver excretion made me feel extreme fatigue during and after my defecations. After I took a bath in the afternoon, I felt really drowsy and tired so I slept. It was already almost 7:00 p.m. when I woke up. I cannot do the dishes and the laundry because I wasn’t really feeling very well. For the whole night I was just complaining about my fatigue and lost appetite, but I was also happy that I have passed hundreds of stones. At least I know that my liver is now lighter.

I think this is my 10th or 12th flush. I am not really sure. I started last year from January until July, and stopped from there, not knowing whether my liver was already really clean. I just became tired of the liver flush sessions and the nastiness of swallowing a huge amount of oil and feeling nauseous during the whole process. I should have been disciplined enough to continue the liver flushes until the end because I became ill for the whole month of July 2015. And the reason why I tried liver flushing again in May 2016 was because of my acne. I knew that besides college stress, my liver was clogged and not functioning properly so I get all of these angry outbursts in my face especially near the time of my menstruation. And, well, the main reason why I got into this was really because I wanted to clear my face. But now that I am a vegan, and I now understand what a critical issue our physical health is, I am doing liver flushes now for the sake of feeling lighter, happier, and healthier. Namaste my fellow earthlings, good luck to our quest for perfect health. J

UPDATE: My stools are still yellow, and it started during my liver flush session. Having yellow stools means not enough or the lack of bile. So, my yellow poop probably means that my bile duct is clogged by a bigger stone that failed to get flushed. I guess I’ll impatiently wait for my next liver flush next month, poor me. :(

My father actually loves me.


My father loves me. I just realized recently that he really does. He loves me and my sister in different ways, because we are two different girls after all, and it doesn’t mean that he favors one over the other. I have always longed for his protection. He does give our family some vibes of stability and trustworthiness but he was an absentee father. He was too far away. He did not really take care of his children – he was more a father to his chickens, in fact. He is an escapist. He always resorts to alcohol and chain smoking; but I never did once hear that he had a mistress. Maybe I had father issues. Maybe I really do. Perhaps I did not think of it that much because I thought that having distant fathers is normal. But I have always hungered for a male presence in my life – may it be through the form of a big brother, male best friend, boyfriend, or another father figure.

Last week was my menstruation week. When a woman menstruates, she feels more tired, sleepy, and sometimes she wants to be left alone. In my specific case, I oversleep when I am menstruating and I dream longer dreams that I can recall right after I wake up. The theme of my dreams for three consecutive nights is that I get ignored by my father so I rebel and go away and find a guy that I eventually develop romantic feelings for. However, with all of those dreams, I do not end up with the guy. I always long for them, and subtly chase them, but I don’t end up with them. There is always some sort of a problem that prevents me from having a boyfriend. I don’t know what those dreams actually mean but what I am sure of is that I have daddy issues. Maybe I unconsciously wanted to get the attention of a father figure through beautifying myself and attracting a guy my age.

My father was hostile to my ex-boyfriends. He didn’t like them all. (My mother was the one who told me that.) Maybe he wanted to protect his little girl from the sexual advances of adolescent guys but couldn’t voice his issues out because we were not close in the first place. Maybe he thought that I would just get angry at him for not liking my boyfriends, knowing my strong and fiery personality. During the time when I was still going out with my latest ex-boyfriend, he suddenly became so strict regarding the curfew hours. He didn’t treat me like that before. I thought he was always so neglectful of me. My parents just suddenly became stricter for no reason after I became twenty years old. I didn’t like their protectiveness at that time because I hated being with my family. The house was always in chaos whenever I am in there so I escape with my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, that was the start of my father’s increasing concern for his eldest daughter.

Three days ago, my parents had to spend two days and one night someplace else to bond with their officemates. And two days ago, I also had to spend time with my high school friends to a faraway place. Even before I travelled that morning, I was surprised that my father was already at our gate. He did not care about finishing their bonding with their officemates; and I had a feeling that it was because he was worried about me. He tried making my breakfast, giving me money, sending me to the bus terminal, basically making sure that I am okay. And when the dusk came, he immediately told me to go home. He was not the same father that I knew! I told him that I feared that maybe we would be home by midnight because it was already getting dark and it was hard to commute by then. I told him that the man who is supposed to drive us back to our homes is currently singing in the karaoke, and he plans to go home by midnight. I thought that he would scold me but my father just told me to relax and patiently wait for the man who will drive us back home. But eventually my friends got impatient and we managed to commute. My father was really worried about me, and I could feel it at that time. I just realized now that he always supports me through his actions. He also always does the work that is supposed to be mine like washing the dishes. I will always live like a princess as long as he is here. And right now while I am writing this in the middle of the night, I feel secure that I have a father soundly sleeping with my mother. His existence is a great help to me in terms of financial, material, and emotional security. Good night and Namaste. J

My North Node in Libra (Life Path, Soul Purpose)


I have just recently discovered what a north node in our astrological charts is. I thought it was just some kind of a worthless asteroid (but it turns out that these asteroids are hugely important too, like Chiron) or placement, because my north node is in Libra and my sun is also in Libra. I thought that one’s sun is automatically his north node. But it’s not how it is, silly me. I just happened to be one lucky soul to have my north node conjunct my sun in Libra! I was born a week before the solar eclipse in 1995. I think it’s a lucky placement. And I’ll tell you why later on. I also think my Virgo ascendant and my Cancer moon were carefully picked out for me in this lifetime to balance out my karma. I thought they were weak placements but no. They are just right for me. And I am lucky to be who I am now, like what my favorite psychic told me. And I just found out why. Silly of me to not include the lunar nodes (Rahu and Ketu) in my astrological studies. The south node tells us about our past life/lives and the things that we have to leave behind in order to live out our chosen north node (our life purpose in this current incarnation) to balance out our karma in our past lives.

North Node in Libra, South Node in Aries

Having my north node in Libra right now indicates that I may have lots of past lives wherein I am always independent, courageous, fighting, in survival mode, selfish, self-centered, achieved things for myself by myself, etc. I might have been a soldier or something or someone war-like. I might have been a leader, maybe a tyrant queen or king, I don’t know for sure. Perhaps I have developed a massive amount of masculine energy in my past lives that I now have to balance it with feminine energy. Libra is an air sign but it is seen as feminine because it values harmony, peace, relationships, ideals, and art as opposed to Aries who likes action, violence, selfishness, etc. My moon now is also in the sign of Cancer in the 11th house. The Cancer moon, as we all know, is very fragile, vulnerable, and annoyingly sensitive. With my moon in cancer, I feel others’ feelings as if I am a sponge. I can also feel the energies underneath the facades although sometimes I can deceive myself because of my Neptune in the 5th house – it makes me delusional, especially in the romance department. Even if my moon feels that something is wrong or missing, I’d still be in love with my own ideas and delusions. My moon is also placed in the 11th house, which is the house of Aquarius. It is the house of humanity, peer groups, larger groups, friends, etc. Therefore, my moon placement may mean that I find comfort in my group of close friends or female friends (because the moon represents the mother or the feminine) or that I find comfort in nurturing or taking care of humanity. Moon in Cancer can be selfish when it comes to feeling its own overwhelming emotions instead of understanding other people, but when placed in the 11th house, it is a selfless placement. It supports my north node in Libra because it is my destiny to move away from my innate selfish tendencies. My Virgo ascendant used to be an annoying placement to me, seeing as how it made me so shy, reserved, and self-conscious – but it also is a selfless placement. It makes me want to operate behind the scenes, support others, and help others. It makes me shy away from the spotlight, and give chance to others. The self-consciousness brought by the Virgo ascendant have afflicted my self-esteem but when I come to think of it, it is better to be self-conscious and be worried about what other people think of you when you are moving away from the selfish and inconsiderate tendencies of past Aries lifetimes.


People with an Aries south node like me have an intimidating sense of individuality. Our south node or past life energies are still felt in our childhood, because we are still fresh souls back then. I remember when I was a child, I was so selfish that I used to get really angry whenever my little sister touches my toys. I also hated having a little sister because I was not used to the act of sharing. I wanted things for myself and I was never considerate of her. Perhaps the universe gave me a little sister in order for me to learn how to share, compromise, and cooperate. There were also lots of instances in my childhood wherein I watched that the things that I wanted for myself were given to my sister. People just seemed to love her more. It was then that I developed a very low self-esteem and I eventually transitioned into my Libran personality. I was in grade school back then – and it was interesting that during the time when I never cared about grades and competition and only about living harmoniously in our little school, I just had lots of friends and I unexpectedly aced all of our subjects. I graduated as the valedictorian without me knowing how it happened. However, when I was in high school, things started to go downhill. I was living up to my Libra ideals but I deserted the self-confidence, assertiveness, and self-esteem that I naturally had from my Aries south node. It was then that I experienced being bullied by my teachers, underestimated by my classmates, cheated on by my boyfriends, etc. Too much Libran energy is not a good thing, you know. And so, when I reached college, I took the time to rebuild myself. As a Libran, I was obsessed with beauty. I beautified myself, took care of myself, became a vegan, and all that stuff. So when I came back to my hometown, I felt like a star, you know, because I’ve had a makeover. But something happened to my personality. I became too selfish and self-centered that I’ve ruined my relationships and some friendships (although I do not regret letting go of those that turned out to be untrue to me). Some people, including my relatives, had also become intimidated with me (they admitted it to me). Perhaps it’s because of too much individuality or self-confidence. I don’t know. And so I felt alone once again. Too much Aries energy is not good too. Now I’m trying to balance the Arian and Libran energies in me – but of course, there has to be more Libran energy in me. More femininity. More beauty. More selflessness. More romance (?). Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to feminist studies, feminist books, makeup, beauty, etc. Maybe I was very masculine before that I have abused females in my past lives. I don’t know. There’s something in my past lives that made me want to reincarnate as a female that’s all about beauty in this life.

North Node in the 2nd House, South Node in the 8th House

With my north node in the 2nd house, my current life right now is about making money, having possessions, material things, security – basically about all the things governed by Taurus or the 2nd house. If my north node is there, and that is the theme of my life lessons in this current incarnation, then it means that the things of the 2nd house may be an alien concept to me. I had to be self-sufficient with regards to making money. I have to make money all by myself. And that is very scary, because I grew up being spoon-fed all the time. I am partly a spoiled brat. I know how hard it is to be poor, but I am a lazy bitch. Getting a job for myself makes me scared. I want someone to provide for me and to treat me like a princess. But…with my south node in Aries, that is a definite no-no. I have to get rid of my selfishness and work my ass off. And with my south node in the 8th house, in the past lives I may have exploited someone or some people’s money or resources, or I may have made my living through an illegal manner. I may have been well-acquainted with darkness during my past lifetimes. I may have been a gangster, criminal, drug lord, or whatever. Or I may have been a witch, a sorceress, someone with knowledge about the occult. It’s interesting because ever since I was a child, I was already into the hidden stuff. I love reading books about witchcraft and astrology even though it was forbidden by the Christian religion (my family is Roman Catholic). Also, I have this side wherein I am so allured by dangerous places, situations, beliefs, and relationships. Most of the time it is unconscious. I just find myself in constant danger or in an unorthodox position. Maybe it’s because of the south node in Aries in 8th house. I have too much Martian and Plutonian energy that I have carried with me that it already feels so heavy whenever I learn about my Mars and Pluto placements. I might really have been a warrior before. Because I easily get angry, I am scary when angry, and I sting people so bad despite the love that happened between us before. Things just go red before my eyes when I am hurt in any way and I have this “me versus you” mentality that I have to get rid of in this life. And it’s really hard, maybe because I was so used to fights and wars before. Right now I have to strive to live a very stable and beautiful life. Very Libran and Taurean; very Venusian – in order to make up for my Martian messes in my past lives.  

North Node conjunct Sun in Libra


Now, I want to share a very interesting aspect to my north node. My sun conjuncts it! According to Celeste Teal, this is the definition of that particular aspect:
“With the North Node conjunct the Sun there are special privileges or a boost to achievements – it is like being in the right place at the right time, having considerable luck, mingling and interacting with important people, plenty of material abundance, and so forth. Things just seem to click for such a person and they may be drawn into the limelight or onto the stage. They ride the mainstream. The Sun is a beneficial planet, and the soul may have been given this extra help to ensure sufficient development of his or her ego. In the past there was likely a lack of self-esteem and not enough personal recognition even though the person worked for the benefit of others. The house where the conjunction falls will show where the individuality and leadership may best be expressed. If anyone can get by without having to make retributions, even for wrongs done in this life, it is the person with North Node conjunct the Sun. He or she is spared for now, as in this lifetime they are slated for personal elevation. Arrogance and egotism may result when these cosmic blessings are misused. Masculine figures, including the father, are ruled by the Sun, therefore with the Sun conjunct the North Node, there are strong ties to a father figure, who is of exceptional benefit. The paternal side of the family may be of special help in finding their direction. There are many of royal blood in this group (Teal, 2008).”

Not all people have their sun conjuncting their north node, so they may have a little bit of difficulty in carrying out their life missions. If their suns, for example, conjuncted their south node, then it means that their personality and desires in life are opposite their life purpose. It is indeed a challenging aspect. For my sun conjunct my north node, my personality and desires are already in line with my purpose. It’s like my destiny is already given to me in a silver platter. I just have to work more on the personality that I already have and exalt it. I just feel lucky to have this placement – just like having my Jupiter in Sagittarius conjunct my part of fortune. Imagine how lucky that is! Maybe I am the only that doesn’t recognize my luck in this lifetime. Well, I hate being vain and self-centered again because I am going away from my overused Aries energy, but I LOVE ME!!! And I am so thankful for astrology because it made me have a deeper understanding of who I am and what I am doing here. J

Sources:

Ronngren, Dianne. (2012). Lunar Nodes: Key to Emotions and Life Experiences. California: ETC Publishing.
Teal, Celeste. (2008). Lunar Nodes: Discover Your Soul’s Karmic Mission. Woodbury, Minnesota: Llewelyn Publications.

Perks of Being Single


Ever since I was a little girl, I have already dreamt of having a boyfriend. In my little girl fantasies, I imagine myself to be a curvy (thin but big-boobed) and long-haired girl who’s about twenty, usually beside a handsome man who’s slightly taller. When I was four, I already developed a crush on a sixth-grader in my school and on Leonardo DiCaprio. And throughout grade school, I’ve enjoyed having admirers and having an unofficial “boyfriend” (that lasted for two months) and I had my first (unrequited) love when I was eleven. When I was thirteen, I started trying having (not serious) boyfriends through text messages. It was really a thrilling experience for me. Then I started having serious boyfriends when I was fifteen – although they were clearly the wrong men and I did not love them that much.

People have different opinions about me. I doubt someone actually knows who I really am inside. Some people think that I am a hopeless romantic who can be easily destroyed by love. Some people think that I am a playgirl and I cannot be monogamous. While some people think that my love life is barren. None of those are actually true. And those opinions do not matter anyway. What’s true is that I easily fall in love and I am constantly in search for my prince. Because of that, I have accumulated several men in my life and that made some people think that I am a playgirl. I easily fall for the idea of falling in love, and not for the men themselves. I just love having a masculine being who loves taking care of me. Most of my exes have only taken me for granted because I had a low self-esteem back then. But after I have recovered from that, I became the one who takes for granted my boyfriends. I just seem to attract assholes who are either spawns of Satan or unambitious and not struggling to get a good future for themselves. And because of my crazy teenage years, I have learned that my main motive in getting a boyfriend is to gain confidence regarding my attractiveness – that is why I only attract the wrong guys.

Anyway, these are the perks of being single in my opinion:

More time for friends.


Some girls immediately go to boyfriend island and just forget other aspects of their lives. I am that kind of girl when I am in a relationship. I become so smitten and delusional that I don’t feel regret when my friends have fun without me. And now that I am single and I can definitely feel that I am really alone when I am alone, I feel the need for friendship more than ever. I appreciate them more because my focus on them is now undivided. Most of the time, when I have a boyfriend, I feel insecure regarding my friendships. I don’t know why, I just do. Anyway, now that I am single, I’ve become more aware and appreciative of the permanence and loving nature of friendship between women.

More time for yourself.


Now that you’re single, no handsome prince is going to pester you in the middle of your meditations, Wiccan rituals, or oil baths. You can have all your time for yourself. You can take care of yourself now better than your asshole ex-boyfriend. There is more time for reflections, self-actualization, reading books, learning stuff, studying, etc. And no one is going to be mad for spending all that time in loving yourself. No guy is now going to demand to give them the time that you are supposed to give to yourself.

Undivided focus on career and ambitions.


Instead of having all those dreams of having babies with your man and expecting him to be rich so he can support you, being single for now can make you focus on your own career and wealth, and the path that you are going to take in life. While waiting for the right man in your life (which may really take a while), you can hone your skills, learn new skills, learn new stuff, gain more experiences, and take on different jobs. It’s time to teach ourselves to be independent women.

Less headaches and heartaches.


Let’s be honest here. Being in a relationship makes us happy sometimes – but for the most part, there are a lot of fights, sacrifices, fixing the other person, and discovering shadow sides of one another. Sometimes, a lot of the bad things that happen in the relationship cannot already justify the attraction that you feel or have felt for one another. Relationships give us negative baggage that could affect our work, school, or family. Being free from a relationship for quite some time can really save us from an intense amount of pain.

We have different kinds of romantic relationships for every stage in our lives; and it is said that they mirror our own relationship with ourselves. Therefore, we must develop a good relationship with ourselves first and foremost, before anything. Take care of yourself, have a good hygiene, buy yourself what you need and everything, and do your life purpose. Align with it. Be who you truly are; be who you are meant to be in this lifetime. Do that favor for yourself and the right relationship will just come effortlessly as it resonates with your improved vibration. Love comes naturally after you’ve paid enough attention to yourself; we don’t really have to work and search for it over seven seas. However, if you remain where you are, and search desperately for the one, you will just attract the same crappy relationships over and over again. Like me. I jump from man to man and it just left me feeling shitty and exhausted. I am single for four months now and it feels like four years. I really hate being single. I’m a Libra and I’m all about relationships! I still literally dream of the right guy for me, and I am impatiently waiting for him, but let’s see. Let’s see what we would eventually attract. In the meantime, let us enjoy being single for now and eventually the universe will bestow us the right relationship for us. 

Friends and Career


Despite saying that I would not go out with my friends, I ended up being with them tonight because they called me and begged me to go. That’s just what I want I guess, little reassurances that I am still important. I know that I am not that special for them, but I am still a part of their group and it feels more complete when I am there. And so, I went with them without any expectations. When my moon was still transiting in Aries, I got all their attention and I was always the star of the gatherings. But now that my moon has transited in Taurus, I feel more comfortable blending in and listening to them and just laughing and chilling.

When I was with them, I felt a very noticeable change. We’ve all changed, as we have grown up and reached our twenties, and our priorities have shifted too. Most of my friends have already graduated college and already got jobs. Only five of us remained undergraduates and we definitely feel the pressure and need to get our own jobs and start our careers. They asked me if I would be a college professor and I said yes, but that I would practice teaching first in junior high school. Their faces lightened up and they approved of my plans that are still subject to changes. I thought people thought lowly of teachers, but I guess I was wrong. And yet, I still doubt that teaching would be my permanent job. Perhaps I’d have lots of jobs, or I’d pursue the arts too. Maybe creative writing or acting. I haven’t told anyone but I’d love to try out acting. I want to do the things that are uncommon, and not pursued by conformists. I don’t want to live a boring life. It would kill me, I promise.

We exchanged some juicy gossips about people for a little while, but our opinions have generally changed. We were so judgmental and close-minded before, but now we can see the bigger picture. We still judge some people, but not so much as before. We have matured in our viewpoints as we have spent a few hours discussing career and politics. We are not shallow high school girls anymore! And after spending time with them earlier, I realized that it’s not really necessary for me to burn bridges with them. They are nice people; just not as clingy-close as I’d like to be. We all have chosen different paths for ourselves, so it’s just natural to feel a bit distant. We have grown apart, yes, but luckily we still have some similarities and happy memories shared together. 

Super Nene


We know very little about Maria Makiling.

We knew that she fell in love, and probably had sexual intercourse with her man, for she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl before she was really nowhere to be found. Or perhaps the reason why she disappeared was because she was ashamed of the fact that she gave birth out of wedlock. No one really knows. But after Maria Makiling disappeared, it was said that a crying baby girl in a basket was found in the vicinity of Mt. Makiling.  

Nene is seven years old. There is an aura of mystery about her because she is being taken care of by an old childless couple. The old couple also always tried to keep mum about where they got their child. But setting that aside, Nene’s family lived a pretty normal and ordinary life. Nene, just like any other kid, loves to play in the streets and pick up fallen pennies to buy herself sweets. She loves sweets so much, especially those that can be licked in public, like ice cream and lollipops. Her baby teeth were black and rotten because of that; but when she grew her permanent teeth, she learned how to brush her teeth. She always wears her hair in pigtails, and she likes wearing pink.

Nene and her playmates wandered around Mt. Makiling as they were playing hide-and-seek. For two hours, Nene was walking around – and she always seemed to get back to the same particular spot of the forest.

“Mukhang naengkanto yata ako ah,” muttered Nene.

She did everything that she could to escape from the situation: she undressed herself and put back her dress inside-out, said “tabi-tabi po”, ran as fast as she could, and so forth. But she still found herself in the same spot of the forest. Her hands were already trembling, her knees wobbling, so she screamed on top of her lungs, hoping that her playmates would hear her and rescue her.

However, the one who heard her was not a human being, nor her playmate, but the one who was playing with her for the last two hours. Nene finally saw a very beautiful maiden with a long hair and wearing a white dress, looking very much like a diwata, or some kind of a forest guardian. It looked at her with a very loving and nurturing look, even more affectionate than the stares her Nanay always gave her. For some weird reason, Nene felt that she was looking at her mother, but she immediately dismissed it, thinking how impossible it would be.

Finally, the spirit spoke.

“Anak, pagkakalooban kita ng kapangyarihan bilang alaala mo sa akin – magbigay ka lamang ng isang bagay sa akin at iyon ang magiging armas mo sa lahat ng iyong makakaaway.”

Nene was confused. The spirit just addressed her as her child, but she already had her own parents, she thought. Also, she didn’t have anything with her. She had candies and lollipops in her pockets, but she loves them so much that she didn’t want to give even a single one of them to the diwata. They just stared at each other for a few minutes, so the diwata got a bit impatient.

“Magbibilang ako. Isa…dalawa…tatlo…”

But Nene really did not have anything to give, so she just gave her a mischievous smile instead. The diwata smiled back, amazed at how clever her daughter was, and said, “at dahil diyan, ipagkakaloob ko na sa iyo ang iyong kapangyarihan.”

The diwata suddenly disappeared, and Nene felt sharp pain in her teeth as if they were all being pulled out of her mouth. After just a few seconds, her playmates found her. However, she refused playing with them again and went back home immediately, feeling a little feverish, and insecure about her teeth. Her mother made her porridge and she just treated her dental pain with sleep.

After she woke up from her sleep, still feeling very conscious about her teeth, she looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. But gosh, suddenly, she was knocked out by her own reflection. Not because she was breathtakingly beautiful (she is cute), but because her own beaming smile had punched her. The energy of positivity had easily spread in her room, and that made her smile more, and that made the energy around her more positive, and that made her smile more, and that made the flowers in their garden just bloom even though it’s not their time to bloom yet.

Without eating breakfast, she went out to the streets to play. She met the bullies in their neighborhood right away. Ay leche, she thought. The bullies (they were all girls) were able to corner her fast and they punched her and looked for anything that they could take away from her. Nene was punched so hard that she immediately fell on the ground. One of the bullies tried to make her stand up, but she accidentally touched Nene’s armpits, which is a very ticklish part of her body. Nene giggled, partly from being tickled and partly from pain, and the bullies were stunned. It’s as if their dark auras suddenly turned rainbow-colored. They were shocked by their own wrongdoing and felt pity for Nene. The bullies suddenly showered Nene with affection by hugging her and buying her lollipops, and she couldn’t believe what was happening.

A grumpy old man in their neighborhood, very bitter with his own life, was drunk again and did his habit of cursing people that happen to pass by in front of him.

“Putangina, wag kang lalakad lakad dito babae ka! Doon ka sa bahay mo paligayahin mo asawa mo!”

“Ano ba naman yan mga kabataan talaga ngayon, walang alam kundi kumerengkeng! Tapos maya-maya lang makikita mo buntis na! Nagahasa! Pinatay! Punyemas.”

“Oh, galing kayo simbahan? Mga hipokrito! Simba-simba pa kayo ano bang natututunan nyo sa pari nyo? Ang gumawa ng mas maraming kasalanan? Eh yung pari nyo nga mismo kung sinu-sinong babae ang tinitira dyan eh! Pasimba-simba pa! Naku!”

But all of a sudden, Nene and his friends played tag within the grumpy old man’s eyesight. That man is especially annoyed by any sign of happiness, so he held his cane and got ready to make the children’s day miserable. He went up to them and said, “Sa araw-araw ba naman na ginawa ng Diyos, dito pa talaga kayo mag-iingay sa harapan ko?! Bumalik nga kayo sa sinapupu..”

The old man accidentally spewed his false teeth. There was an awkward, ominous silence.

However, Nene couldn’t hold back her laughter. She laughed a very loud HA-HA-HA-HA-HA in front of the old man’s face. Her playmates, by just looking at her, got infected by her laughter. Soon, everyone laughed at the old man. Their neighbors who were watching them were already getting ready to behold the old man’s nasty revenge; yet on the other hand, the old man was charmed by Nene’s laughter that he immediately forgave the children and got into a good mood for that one whole day.

One fateful night, people were shouting and telling each other about Darna, who was in their neighborhood at that time. She was fighting Sulfura. Nene and her playmates went out to watch despite their parents’ warnings, because they wanted to see Darna’s sexiness. They were shouting, “Darna! Darna! Darna! Darna!” to cheer for their favorite superhero, indifferent about the fact that Sulfura might burn them into ashes. Darna and Sulfura’s fight was really intense. Both were really angry at each other. And due to her youthful folly, Nene went nearer to the fight scene really excitedly, giggling very girlishly. Sulfura was annoyed so she glanced at the irksome little bitch. When she beheld Nene’s smiles and laughter, she was immediately disarmed and she lost most of her anger from where she gets her fiery powers from. That’s what made Darna defeat her. People thought that Darna defeated her with her powers alone, but little did they know that behind Darna’s particular victory was a cheeky little girl with a very charming smile.

It took Nene about ten years before she realized her own superpower. It is what made her have lots of friends and suitors. Because of that, no one really had the guts to hurt or offend her. That kind of superpower was bestowed to her by her own mother, Maria Makiling, who eventually realized that her daughter had the best superpower ever. It was not used by Nene to fight people, but to heal them by removing their negativity and replacing it with lots of positivity. In a world with already lots of wars and conflicts, we do not need more fights and resistance anymore. We need more people like Nene, who spread light, gentleness, and love. For hate cannot drive out hate – only love can do that (Martin Luther King, Jr.). When Nene realized her own superpower as she became a beautiful young maiden, she sometimes used it for manipulation and getting away from her mistakes. Superheroes do not always need to capture the attention of the people. Sometimes they are just there, passing by us, getting on with their normal lives. Female superheroes do not need to be masculine and “amazons” to be able to defeat enemies; we normally underestimate the passive ones who help the world in their own little ways.  

A Teaching Career for Me!


Today is a very fateful day for me; it is so full of synchronicities that helped me let go of the wrong people who don’t actually give a fuck about me, as well as gave me surprising opportunities. I was with my sister for the whole day. We talked, cooked, and shopped together. She is a Taurus Rising, Pisces Sun, and Scorpio moon mix.

During the morning, I ranted to her about how my high school friends (my barkada here in my hometown) are ignoring me now or not seeming to care about me. I just felt ignored, unimportant, and not sought after. I thought that it was just my moon in Cancer that overreacts, because I felt anger that lasted for a week until now, but I e-mailed a psychic and discovered that my instincts were indeed right. I ranted and even said that maybe my anger just blinded me or just clouded my reason, but no. I was right.


I didn’t know whether I should be happy because I could finally trust my intuition, or sad because I lost friends that I thought were really my friends. They are fun to be with, yes, but I had been to a situation last month wherein I needed their help but they did not really give a fuck. I was so disappointed because I was really desperate at that time but they were so blind to it. They don’t care whether I am in a terrible situation or not. And that’s when I deliberately decided that I will not go to our get-togethers, partly because I feel hatred towards them, and mainly because they won’t care anyway. It’s fine to be a bit selfish and to mind our own businesses, but I just can’t accept the fact that they don’t see me as a close friend, someone to rely on, or someone to be missed. I also ate together (in a friendly manner) with my ex-boyfriend (having no choice since my “old friends” don’t want me anyway) but later on he turned out to be so selfish and ungrateful. I felt for the first time that he actually loves himself first, and he doesn’t give a fuck about me even before. We fought and I lashed out on him. He almost left me alone in the streets. What an asshole (he’s an Aquarius man too). Anyway, I guess this is just an effect of the Mars in retrograde in the sign of Scorpio which conjuncts my own natal Mars in Scorpio. It’s probably the time of purging and cleansing in a brutal way, since Scorpio is a bit harsh and intense. You don’t wanna afflict someone with Mars in Scorpio because they make formidable enemies (no boasting and exaggeration here).


And so, hours earlier, my sister and I shopped for feminist books and pretty clothes. It’s nice to have a sisterly bond and love ourselves (by buying stuff) like that. When we finally rushed to buy groceries, our old elementary school teacher found us and shouted and hugged us. My nice childhood memories in our little private school suddenly gushed through my mind. We talked like crazy and we just loved looking at each other. She was so strict back then, but I felt motherly love from her earlier. It was like I was being brought back to my old school. She feels very familiar and not intimidating at all. Perhaps I just grew up, I don’t know. It almost felt like a reunion because as the three of us were talking at the mall, three elementary schoolmates also stopped by us. It was as if fated because one of them, a valedictorian of their batch, has graduated from UP Diliman (the best university in the Philippines; again, not exaggerating) and looked smaller and thinner than me. Perhaps because of academic stress. One of them, Joaquin, has grown into a man and I almost failed to recognize him. He was with his girlfriend. Another was Ate Paulette, already pregnant by her boyfriend. Time flies so fast indeed. We inevitably became nostalgic about those times that happened about twelve years ago.

I didn’t want to let of go of an opportunity so I told our teacher that I plan on applying for a teaching job in our former school. Fortunately, her face lightened up and said that they would accept me right away! It’s because I graduated from that school and they already know my personality and mental capacity. They are really kind; they wanted to give me that opportunity just because I grew up in that school and I became very dear to them. It is a Catholic school – and although I behave like an atheist now, I still can’t deny the immense love and friendship that I have treasured from that school. I wanted to give back to them and it’s the only place wherein I could imagine myself applying for a job because it feels familiar. Teacher J and I talked about my career and plans for the future. She said that after I graduate, they would accept me right away even if I still haven’t taken the teachers’ board exam. I could review while teaching, she said. How sweet of them! And that’s how our conversation ended. We still had to buy some groceries for my vegan lifestyle.

I went home with my sister feeling very happy because I felt like my future was already secure. In my mind, the world is a battlefield; I cannot wait for job offers, I should find one or I would have none. Luckily, I still had good connections from my childhood. I know they are not corrupt or ruled by nonsensical politics there. I know that the loyal teachers there are there because they love children and teaching children. I know that it is a place of learning, growth, and seeing the world in rose-colored glasses. And I am just so happy because I can finally work and fend for myself and develop my skills in life! There is still one semester left for me, but I am already so excited for the road ahead. Life is very exciting, you know! Muah! Wish me luck! Namaste J
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