Stuck in a Rut


This is kind of a bad day; and the universe reflected something to us when two of my classmates fainted. We had to stop our history class because of that. It's unfortunate that we live in a society that only gives us a little time to rest and spend time with ourselves. And I guess I’ve already been living like a robot for a week or two now. All I do is work, work, work. School work. I am always given responsibilities but I don’t get any credit for the hard work that I have done. And it’s kind of frustrating, you know. I really hate my life right now because I just comply to what society demands of me, instead of going into the direction of what I really want. I have been a conformist (well, externally, at least) for so long that I already forgot what my purpose really is. I have sunk again into this hell of insecurity, because so many things have been stripped off of me that when I have been recently complimented thrice by three of my male friends, I was in a state of shock for a few seconds. I don’t even believe that I am pretty anymore. I really feel so worthless nowadays that all I see is the way people treat me badly or ignore me as if I am so unimportant. I have been working so hard to please other people and yet I am always left feeling worthless and unsatisfied.
                                                               
People who know me personally will agree that I am a risk-taker. Most of the time, in negative but subtle ways. There are times when I deviate from social norms just to follow my joy, but I always get negative feedback or backlashes from my impulsiveness. I almost always take dangerous paths in following my joy that I eventually hurt myself. And I cannot learn my lessons right away. However, right now, I try to live a more cautious kind of life that I am almost always “resistant” to some things that made me happy before like procrastination, spending too much on food, romance, etc. I have too much on my plate that I feel so overwhelmed; I am ready to die. I needed to be strong and “resistant” in order to protect myself – for example, I had to be unreachable in order to know which of my suitors are sincere; I had to distance myself from my friends who irritate me so much because of their self-centeredness because I feel taken advantage of; I had to limit my food intake daily because some of my allowance are already allotted to costumes and other school stuff; and I had to forget writing and spending some time with myself without anything on my mind because I have lots of things to do that have deadlines.

I don’t even know what I am doing right now. I guess I am just trying to find balance, being the typical Libra that I am, or perhaps just being a human being who is tired of the worthless routines of a conformist and dull society. I want to find inspiration, I want to find my true self, I want to find out what my purpose really is. Because I am already tired of this life. I am tired of learning, seeing, and doing the same things over and over again. And I am starting to feel that this university is already stunting my growth. I don’t really know what I am missing in my life right now that makes me feel empty. What I am sure of is that I am not myself lately. I always find myself stressed out and annoyed at selfish and inconsiderate people. Perhaps it’s now time to be thoughtful of myself. But how? Must I stop schooling? Because all I want to do is to express myself. But the current society that we all live in does not encourage self-expression in its healthiest form. There will always be negative judgments around from negative entities who were swallowed by the dullness of society. I want to find my true self. I want to peel myself layer by layer like an onion, until I discover again who I really am and what I really want.

Back when I was a child, I really liked imagining things. I liked talking to make-believe people. I guess I liked acting. And I also liked singing, drawing, and writing my thoughts. I also liked exploring our neighborhood – back then I was still interested in biology. And astronomy - but now I study astrology. I was also mostly interested in beauty and fashion. I really liked making myself beautiful and imagining that I had a boyfriend. I guess I liked adventure and travel, since I always imagine that I go to different places by just pressing a magic button. It feels like I did almost everything – I had no favorite hobby. I was just being myself, the little Thea, exploring and doing things that I feel like doing. I do everything, and I wanted to be good at everything. They say that our life purpose can be traced back from what we really liked doing when we were children, but it seems like I have not had a specific life purpose in coming down into this life and identity. But what I am so sure of is that I will choose a career path that is related to beauty and communication (well, let's see if I will really do this). Because those are my passion. Right now I don’t have a defined path to my dreams yet; but I will just continue writing and maybe make videos and beautify myself or just make anything artistic. Someday I will finally get out of this university and I will mold my future with my own pretty hands. But right now I am still bored. I will stop doing school work for a little while because I don't want to feel numb again.

2 comments:

  1. keep writing, you ll discover yourself more through it

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    Replies
    1. Aww, thank you sir. :) Have a nice day :)

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