Heart to Heart Talk #1: Mr. Asshole Aquarius

I wonder what I have been doing to myself to manifest an asshole who loves to hurt my feelings. He used me to cheat on his girlfriend, promised me things that he never intended to do, pretended that he loves me when he just lusted over me, made me fall in love to feed his ego, left me suddenly and lied about the reason, made me his “friend”, and constantly tells me about the fact that he is crushing on my friend. I feel like there is something wrong with me too, since whenever he talks to me (if he’s bored, probably), I feel a pinch of hope that he might really love me. I am so attracted to this asshole that I sometimes think I may be masochistic. He loves making me feel special and then he would just disappear when he feels like it. We do not match intellectually, but there is something about him that magnetizes me. Perhaps he is now the universe’s puppet into making my old spiritual wounds resurface and hurt me again.

I do not know why he doesn’t see the qualities that other people, especially my former beaus, admire in me. He can only see himself, and I thought that he might have flirted with me because he thought he could use me to make himself appear more handsome or appealing. He doesn’t treat me like a very special girl at all. Perhaps he also does the same with his girlfriend, and perhaps he really is insensitive to other people in general. One big mistake that I made is that I fell in love with him too soon and I gave him the power to destroy me. So whenever he purposely ignores me, I become paranoid, crazy, depressed, and my self-worth issues resurface. He makes me feel like a worthless woman. Maybe I did not realize my true worth that’s why he might have perceived me as someone easy to get, and someone that he can just play with when he’s bored. I do not get treated properly like a lady and he can just get away with his lies. And I always believe him because I like him and because I am an idiot.

And I have been warned several times by my girlfriends that they do not like him. That there is something “bad” or “off” about his being. Many girls have told me to be careful – and yet I did not listen – until it was too late. I fell in love and I was emotionally destroyed. I wonder why I did not see him in that negative light. I wonder why my heart kept on feeling an intense attraction for him. Did he resemble my father? Did he resemble my father who was emotionally unavailable, who notices me one minute but disappears again, who does not understand me at all, who always sides with my mother and sister against me, who is proud of my achievements and reputation but does not make an effort to get to know me, and who is unaware of the fact that he had been already hurting my feelings ever since I was a little girl? Was he the one used by the universe to re-enact my childhood situation with my father and to help me heal the wounds he caused? I just hope that I’d never encounter an asshole like him again. I’d start loving myself more so I would have someone who loves me genuinely. At the end of the day, the moral of the story is to give love to yourself first instead of begging for love and attention from someone. Phew! It’s hard to be a girl. 


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