Stuck in a Rut

This is kind of a bad day; and the universe reflected something to us when two of my classmates fainted. We had to stop our history class because of that. It's unfortunate that we live in a society that only gives us a little time to rest and spend time with ourselves. And I guess I’ve already been living like a robot for a week or two now. All I do is work, work, work. School work. I am always given responsibilities but I don’t get any credit for the hard work that I have done. And it’s kind of frustrating, you know. I really hate my life right now because I just comply to what society demands of me, instead of going into the direction of what I really want. I have been a conformist for so long that I already forgot what my purpose really is. I have sunk again into this hell of insecurity, because so many things have been stripped off of me that when I have been recently complimented thrice by three of my male friends, I was in a state of shock for a few seconds. I don’t even believe that I am pretty anymore. I really feel so worthless nowadays that all I see is the way people treat me badly or ignore me as if I am so unimportant. I have been working so hard to please other people and yet I am always left feeling worthless and unsatisfied.
People who know me personally will agree that I am a risk-taker. Most of the time, in negative but subtle ways. There are times when I deviate from social norms just to follow my joy, but I always get negative feedback or backlashes from my impulsiveness. I almost always take dangerous paths in following my joy that I eventually hurt myself. And I cannot learn my lessons right away. However, right now, I try to live a more cautious kind of life that I am almost always resistant to some things that made me happy before like procrastination, spending too much on food, romance, etc. I have too much on my plate that I feel so overwhelmed; I am ready to die. I needed to be strong and “resistant” in order to protect myself – for example, I had to be unreachable in order to know which of my suitors are sincere; I had to distance myself from some friends whom I feel taken advantage of; I had to limit my food intake daily because some of my allowance are already allotted to costumes and other school stuff; and I had to forget writing and spending some time with myself without anything on my mind because I have lots of things to do that have deadlines.

I don’t even know what I am doing right now. I guess I am just trying to find balance, being the typical Libra that I am, or perhaps just being a human being who is tired of the routines of a conformist society. I want to find inspiration, I want to find my true self, I want to find out what my purpose really is. Because I am already tired of this life. I am tired of learning, seeing, and doing the same things over and over again. And I am starting to feel that this university is already stunting my growth. I don’t really know what I am missing in my life right now that makes me feel empty. What I am sure of is that I am not myself lately. I always find myself stressed out and annoyed at everything. Perhaps it’s now time to be thoughtful of myself. But how? Must I stop schooling? Because all I want to do is to express myself. But the current society that we all live in does not encourage self-expression in its healthiest form. I want to find my true self. I want to peel myself layer by layer like an onion, until I discover again who I really am and what I really want.

Back when I was a child, I really liked imagining things. I liked talking to make-believe people. I guess I liked acting. And I also liked singing, drawing, and writing my thoughts. I also liked exploring our neighborhood – back then I was still interested in biology. And astronomy - but now I study astrology. I was also mostly interested in beauty and fashion. I really liked making myself beautiful and imagining that I had a boyfriend. I guess I liked adventure and travel, since I always imagine that I go to different places by just pressing a magic button. It feels like I did almost everything – I had no favorite hobby. I was just being myself, the little Thea, exploring and doing things that I feel like doing. I do everything, and I wanted to be good at everything. They say that our life purpose can be traced back from what we really liked doing when we were children, but it seems like I have not had a specific life purpose in coming down into this life and identity. But what I am so sure of is that I will choose a career path that is related to beauty and communication (well, let's see if I will really do this). Because those are my passion. Right now I don’t have a defined path to my dreams yet; but I will just continue writing and beautifying myself or just make anything artistic. Someday I will finally get out of this university and I will mold my future with my own little hands. But right now I am still bored. I will stop doing school work for a little while because I don't want to feel numb again.

Tae Ko (My Shit)


Ikaw ay parang
Tae ko.


Minsan ka mang
Naging parte
Ng buhay ko,
Ang kalusugan ko’y
Kung ika’y
Mananatili sa’kin.

Ikaw ay isang TAE
Na punung-puno
Iiire kita
Sa kubeta
Kung saan ikaw
Ay nababagay –

At tuluyan nang iiwanan.

Bahala na ang tubig
Na maglinis
Sa iyong maduming

Paalam, tae ko.

Catcalls (Poem)

Is it that shameful
To be a woman?
Is it so shameful
To be endowed
With nutritious breasts
Curvy hips
And a vagina
To be always catcalled?

When I walk in the streets,
What do you see?
Is it a beautiful woman
A respectable human
Or just a pair of legs
And a walking pussy?
Do not call me
Like a puppy
That will go near you
Begging to have a taste of your penis
Because the truth is,
You are gross!

Every time you say,
Psst! Hi cute!
Do you think it’s cute?
It’s not cute!
And you’re not cute!
Only your penis is cute!
Hi cute penis! J

Dressed up with Eyeshadow (Dream)

Last night, I had a weird dream. It was definitely not a past life or a childhood memory, neither ETs nor deceased loved ones talking to me, but a symbolic dream that may be helping me in my real waking life. I do not remember much, but I remember my ex (JR) and his brother (John John) being toddlers while we were all adults. It was like a family reunion. I told little JR that he will be a seaman someday, because I know right now that he is on his way to becoming one. It was weird since we both exist while we were on different timelines. I was from the future, and he was from the past. I knew all that happened between us while little JR was unaware of the fact that I will be his girlfriend someday. And I will break his heart – which will lead him to pursue his career with more will power.

And the part of the dream that I remember is when we were all dressed up in our evening gowns, waiting for someone very special to come through the door. The girls were all panicking since it was crowded and we were all doing our makeup. I, specifically, was worried about my makeup, and I was looking for the eyeshadow palette. Then, I started putting on my eyeshadow amidst the turmoil inside the room, with people saying that there is no time left. I enjoyed putting a black shade of eyeshadow on my eyelids, but it turned out to be too much and I put it out of proportions. I ended up erasing much of what I have put on. I really thought in my dream that I was so beautiful; and even more so with the eyeshadow on. I looked at my mother and my sister busying themselves in socializing with others. I also noticed that my mother, my sister, and I have the same style of evening gowns. It was sexy, almost transparent, with ornate designs. My mother has the black one, my sister’s is emerald green, while mine is dark blue. I felt so beautiful at that time, but I was so concerned with my unfinished eyshadow. And that is the end of the dream, I guess.
Eye Shadow (from DreamMoods)
 To dream that you are putting on eye shadow suggests that you are trying to create an air of mystery. To dream that your eye shadow is overdone or that the colors are strange means that you are being overly dramatic in a situation. Perhaps you are drawing it out of proportions.
Evening Gown (from DreamMoods)
 To see or wear an evening gown in your dream represents enjoyment, social pleasures, grace and culture. It also represents the image you are projecting to others…If the gown is very fancy or ornate, then it signifies an elaborate and luxurious lifestyle. If the gown is plain or simple, then it suggests a simplified lifestyle. Alternatively, to dream you are wearing an evening gown indicates that you are seeking or trying to attain some sense of happiness.

Both of these dominant symbols in my dream pertain to the image that I am projecting to others. I may be trying to conceal something, or be someone that I am not. Actually, I am trying to conceal the fact that I have been utterly shattered by my recent heartbreak, since the guy is an asshole and does not actually care about the pain that I am feeling because of him. He is really pursuing my friend, while he has a girlfriend right now, which is very selfish and insensitive of him. And I am trying so hard to project in social media that I am very happy and unaffected. I really want to show him that I am beautiful, sexy, and that he made a mistake in hurting me. And perhaps I also may be wanting other people’s attention, making them know my true worth, since I am now tired of being treated like a doormat. I want to be showered with positive attention, maybe through making myself beautiful outwardly; and neglecting the fact that I must heal first and change from the inside. I realized that I really am trying to project someone that I am not because I am tired of always being the loser. L

Easy to Get? (My Perspective on Men Labeling Women as Either "The Prize" or the Easy-to-Get Trash)

I will never understand male logic. Ever. After my recent heartbreak, three of my male friends got very blunt with me and said that I was too desperate for love and attention that’s why I get taken for granted. They said that Mr. Asshole Aquarius probably found me too easy to get that’s why he didn’t want to waste any time on getting to know me that well and didn’t have any regrets in leaving me after he didn’t get pleasure from my flower. Of course I was mad at first, because it is a slap to my ego, since easy-to-get girls are often shamed and labeled as sluts or girls that are only used for coital purposes. But they emphasized that an easy-to-get girl is different from a whore. An easy-to-get girl falls in love easily – but it doesn’t necessarily follow that they give away their sexuality easily. My male friends say that I really have this personality of falling in love too soon, so people perceive me as easy to get. I agree on that one, but I have another perspective about this whole thing.

First of all, it is natural for humans to feel attracted to another human. I don’t like every single guy that appears in front of me; but when I do, I just feel indignant about the fact that I get perceived as easy to get. My male friends say that men like challenges so I must not give in (whatever they perceive as “giving in”) so easily for they thrive for the excitement and thrill in the courtship phase. If that’s what they want, it’s fine – however, why can’t we all just be real? Why is love treated like a game between two sexes wherein we all have to strategize in order to win? Is love just a mind game or can it still be a beautiful thing that involves genuine emotions? Call me idealistic, but I think the right man won’t mind whether you play hard to get or not. Love and relationships for me are not all about strategizing and getting the upper hand. It is about feeling a deep connection and a sense of warmth and security. It is about happiness, understanding, and supporting each other despite each other’s flaws and irritating behavior. The man or woman who wants to be with you for real will not mind playing hard to get or not – because at the end of the day, what matters the most is the commitment to the relationship. After all, not all people who have had a long duration of courtship stay with each other for a long time. Because oftentimes, we wear a fa├žade during the courtship phase to make someone fall in love with us. The mask eventually wears out when we are in a relationship – and from that point, all inauthenticity and pretensions that happened during the courtship phase will fade away.

I think it’s not all about being easy to get. But (let’s be honest girls), we become “easy to get” when we are desperate for love and attention. We beg for the love that we didn’t get from our parents when we were children. We want to fill the void in ourselves by throwing ourselves to other people who may or may not be a good match for us. We cannot give ourselves the love that we feel we lack, so we fall in love easily for the next person in front of us. And this desperation may be reeking out of our beings during the courtship phase, and maybe the reason that we get dumped too soon is because we cannot love ourselves first. My recent heartbreak from an unavailable man made me learn so much about myself, and about men in general. It made me learn that unless we cultivate self-love, jumping from one man to another will not fill the void inside ourselves. It also made me realize how healing the presence of other women is – hence the phrase “sisters before misters”. For now, I guess I will take the time to really really take care of myself first and develop my own self-worth so as to avoid giving myself too easily to men who don’t even deserve me. That’s it. Girl power! J

Being Cat Called

Being cat called, especially when I walk in the streets, personally does not feel good. Most women feel the same way, because the energy behind cat calling is negative – even though those men use compliments such as beautiful, sexy, and cute. It has never felt good. I tend to feel fear and I start walking quickly whenever that happens. And yet sometimes, because I am not yet completely convinced that I am a wonderful person, or that I am beautiful, I tend to consider cat calls as affirmations of my own self-worth. But they never are! Whenever men cat call women, they consider those women inferior and they see them as sex toys. If they really see you as a wonderful and beautiful woman, and not just a walking vagina, they would respect you and stop cat calling you.

One day, as I was researching about the sacral chakra, which is the seat of our sexuality, I came across very helpful information about balancing it and being comfortable with our own sexuality. Male sexuality is encouraged all over while female sexuality is discouraged and feared. That’s probably the reason why most women all over the world reject their femininity and see it as a burden as they live in this patriarchal world. Little did we know that female sexuality is a very powerful thing. Only it has the ability to create and nurture life. I also have discovered that wearing high heels is the modern “foot binding” method, since it is very uncomfortable and we always hurt our feet. I am personally not against high heels, but what I have learned is that high heels do not make women move as freely as when they wear flat shoes. We walk stiffly. The ideal walk for women is using their hips, as if their hips form the infinity symbol when they walk. And that is how the sacral chakra spills its sexual energy, according to what I have learned.

And so one day, I have decided to wear something very revealing – an almost see-through top which exposes my shoulders and belly button. And I wore flat sandals, so I could walk sexily using my hips. I really felt sexy at that time and I was observing if anyone would cat call me. To my surprise, I was never cat called! I was just proudly walking around in my sexy femininity and nobody dared to disrespect me. Probably it was because I owned my sexuality, and I did not give anyone fear to feed upon. I am not a victim. I am a female endowed with sensuality. And now, the cat calling cases that I experience decreased. People who used to disrespect me when I walk on the streets only stared, and I do not feel any fear at all. Before, I used to think that women who are really sexy, sensual, and beautiful are those who get cat called – but it was the other way around. Women who hold their own divine feminine power are shielded from disrespectful attention from men, and they most likely only get positive attention from people around them.

Courage and Red Candles

In my older post entitled “Burning Candles”, I have told you that candles definitely work for me, especially the pink ones, since I burn them more than candles of other colors. Whenever I burn pink candles, I feel relaxed, I feel love from other people, I feel beautiful, and I almost always hear a compliment about my beauty. In other words, I get surrounded by romantic energy when I burn them. But several hours ago, during daytime, I burned a red candle because it is Mars’ or Ares’ day (Tuesday) and I asked the universe specifically for courage and confidence in doing whatever I had to for the whole day. Then I just left it burning and went on with my life. 

Later in that day, in my social science class, the discussion was about religion. I got excited as I knew that I had an edge regarding that topic since I have been to many different religions already and I have a burning passion for spiritual stuff. In this class, we have to recite and say substantial stuff so we could get a stamp for each class. We had to collect at least five stamps in order to avoid failing – and I am getting worried now since I am too shy and lazy to recite and I haven’t gotten any stamp yet when there is only less than two months left before the semester would end. Surprisingly, I recited several times and said stuff that made me realize, “I am intelligent after all.” Having suffered from a low self-esteem since I was a child, I have problems in making my opinions known. That is why this blog is my outlet for my thoughts. And so, after reciting several times and having some exchanges of thought with my professor, I got my first stamp from him. Yay!

As I was feeling elated after the class ended, I remembered the red candle that I have burnt earlier. How magical was that? Thank Mars or Ares for giving me this Aries-like energy in order to get things done, especially those things that I thought was impossible. From now on, I can trust the red candles in assisting me to have courage, confidence, and passion. It’s amazing how the gods and goddesses are really there when you need them. If you’re also a Wiccan like me, I can say that the red candle isn’t that bad after all – even though its energy is associated with lust, rape, violence, and hatred. You can infuse it with positive intentions to avoid disastrous results. And if you are not Wiccan but you are reading this, I can really attest to the fact that candle magick works. You can try it some time, for it still amazes me up to this day. Namaste! J

Heart to Heart Talk #1: Mr. Asshole Aquarius

I wonder what I have been doing to myself to manifest an asshole who loves to hurt my feelings. He used me to cheat on his girlfriend, promised me things that he never intended to do, pretended that he loves me when he just lusted over me, made me fall in love to feed his ego, left me suddenly and lied about the reason, made me his “friend”, and constantly tells me about the fact that he is crushing on my friend. I feel like there is something wrong with me too, since whenever he talks to me (if he’s bored, probably), I feel a pinch of hope that he might really love me. I am so attracted to this asshole that I sometimes think I may be masochistic. He loves making me feel special and then he would just disappear when he feels like it. We do not match intellectually, but there is something about him that magnetizes me. Perhaps he is now the universe’s puppet into making my old spiritual wounds resurface and hurt me again.

I do not know why he doesn’t see the qualities that other people, especially my former beaus, admire in me. He can only see himself, and I thought that he might have flirted with me because he thought he could use me to make himself appear more handsome or appealing. He doesn’t treat me like a very special girl at all. Perhaps he also does the same with his girlfriend, and perhaps he really is insensitive to other people in general. One big mistake that I made is that I fell in love with him too soon and I gave him the power to destroy me. So whenever he purposely ignores me, I become paranoid, crazy, depressed, and my self-worth issues resurface. He makes me feel like a worthless woman. Maybe I did not realize my true worth that’s why he might have perceived me as someone easy to get, and someone that he can just play with when he’s bored. I do not get treated properly like a lady and he can just get away with his lies. And I always believe him because I like him and because I am an idiot.

And I have been warned several times by my girlfriends that they do not like him. That there is something “bad” or “off” about his being. Many girls have told me to be careful – and yet I did not listen – until it was too late. I fell in love and I was emotionally destroyed. I wonder why I did not see him in that negative light. I wonder why my heart kept on feeling an intense attraction for him. Did he resemble my father? Did he resemble my father who was emotionally unavailable, who notices me one minute but disappears again, who does not understand me at all, who always sides with my mother and sister against me, who is proud of my achievements and reputation but does not make an effort to get to know me, and who is unaware of the fact that he had been already hurting my feelings ever since I was a little girl? Was he the one used by the universe to re-enact my childhood situation with my father and to help me heal the wounds he caused? I just hope that I’d never encounter an asshole like him again. I’d start loving myself more so I would have someone who loves me genuinely. At the end of the day, the moral of the story is to give love to yourself first instead of begging for love and attention from someone. Phew! It’s hard to be a girl. 

Receiving the Divine Masculine's Love

Lately I have told you that I had by heart broken because I cannot be with someone for certain reasons; but what surprised me is that nowadays, I do not get really shattered anymore. There is something about this year that makes my (or also others’, probably) emotions more stable than before. I feel like I have become stronger and more optimistic. Or probably it has something to do with the instability that we all have experienced last year – specifically the emotional ups and downs – that somehow made us master these negative emotions. Right now, even though I still cannot find a boyfriend that will really sweep me off my feet, and I am tired of getting hurt by the trial-and-errors in the romance department, I still feel love all over me. If before I often talk about women around me that give me the love and sympathy of the divine feminine, right now I can feel that there are also men in my life that care about me, but not necessarily in a romantic way.

Of course, most of them were my former lovers. Some of them broke my heart, but I am glad that we are all at peace with each other right now. Some of them still have hopes of getting back with me. Some of them do not have plans of getting in a relationship with me, but are open to friendly cuddles and whatnot. Some of them I do not have feelings for. But they all conveyed their care for me, saying that they will really kill the next guy that will break my heart. It touches me. Really. They give me the feeling of being protected, like how my father does. They give off vibes of brotherly love. I am comforted by the fact that I am taken care of by the divine masculine.

In my recent heartbreak, I have learned that a woman does not have to take the initiative if the man really loves her. The man will find a way. And almost literally, the girl will just have to sit pretty and wait. I do not make the first move right now and the results are great. I get showered by male attention when I am just chilling and in an allowing state than getting really excited and bursting with emotions and getting angry at them for not giving me attention frequently. And this fact is supported by Teal Swan, in her Vancouver synchronization workshop last year:
“Masculinity essentially is a forward-moving energy so if we address masculinity and femininity just like an energetic movement, that’s it. Masculinity moves forward almost like an arrow moves forward. And femininity is fluid, it’s more of a receptive energy. And so, what you’ve watched with polarities of sexuality is that if a female gets into the pursuit, they will reverse polarity in the relationship. And then the male will essentially sink into the receptive role. And often, I’m not gonna say everytime, but often that sets up a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. Because majority of the time, if we (of course there are many exceptions here I’m only making a generalization) have chosen a gender for this life, it’s because we’re practicing that energy. So if we go into the reverse polarity it actually throws us off. So what I’ve watched with women – this is a big deal in like the Manhattan, let’s say, if some of you have been to New York – if you go there and you watch somebody of these women who had to be in the work force and had to compete with men so they essentially have to “become men” and their energy moves like men they have reproductive issues. It’s like everything about them that’s female revolts to the energy. So in your case, because it is healthy for you to be in that feminine receptivity, very good idea to not be the one that pursues the male. That’s a forward-moving energy. We usually do when we get desperate. It will be good for him too. ‘Cause that actually feels good [for them], you’ll notice even men who are kinda like nervous about that role, and a lot of them are, because let’s face it, feminist movement made it so that guys are kinda scared to put a foot forward now. If he’s not gonna do it (the pursuing) then it’s not worth having him (Swan, 2015).”

It’s not that I am against women empowerment or that I am boxing people in gender stereotypes. It’s just that I have learned from many experiences that a girl will be treated like a princess if she acts like a pretty princess who is not desperate for a prince charming. I don’t intend to be preachy, but right now I am just so elated with the male friends that I have, since their support and energy makes me feel very safe and protected and loved. It’s like I am just beginning to get to know the importance of the divine masculine here in my current incarnation. I will be updating you of my new discoveries soon. xoxo
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