Lesson on Independence, Autonomy, and Being Present with Myself

It seems like I already have an idea of what my lesson for 2016 is. From what I observe in my current life patterns, people always leave me, relationships always fail, friendships fade away, friends are always busy, so I always end up being alone. Having my Saturn in Pisces in the 7th house, I always seem to hold on to relationships in order to not drown in the sea of chaos. My life is just so chaotic, from my own home to the outside world, and I always find myself alone with almost no one there to help me. Since my 2016 started, I immediately have experienced things like having my family (purposely) misunderstand and go against me, three versus one. But that kind of filial rejection already started from when I was still a child. Being the black sheep in my family leaked out into my reality outside my home, because I just cannot fit in the society. Not that I am a deviant, but I feel like nobody understands me because I have eccentric interests like astrology and new age spirituality. And even though I also like makeup and fashion like most girls, I feel like most of them are very superficial when who I really like to be with is someone who loves me, knows how to listen, and can carry on a very deep and meaningful conversation. I only have a few friends, most of which eventually leave anyway, and then I’d end up being alone again. Right now I feel abandoned by my best friend here in the university and that amplifies my loneliness and innate feeling of sorrow (probably caused by my family background), added by the fact that my independent roommate also always leaves me alone and doesn’t like to tell me where she goes and why she goes away. I am all alone.

Of course I cannot just wallow in sadness and do nothing about my fate. As far as what new age spiritual teachers say about the bad or the shadow side of things, resistance will only make your problems bigger and allowing will make them go away or make you attract something in your life that will solve that particular problem. The universe may have given me loneliness and being abandoned this year and have that problem be expanded to trigger more pain within me because I need to be forced to be independent or autonomous. I have to do things by myself now because all my life I had been dependent to the people who care about me. And despite being the black sheep in my family, I was probably spoiled (like what some people say) because I am used to the feeling of comfort and just letting others work while I remain a childish child – which resulted to being fearful of being or doing things by myself. I am actually thankful to the universe and to my parents and to myself (by manifesting) for letting me have this opportunity of going to an excellent college far away and by myself. That way I was forced to really do things by myself – because my peers, which are also college students, are also busy in their own lives, studies, social life, and self-improvement. However, this time it’s different. Surely you can let me do things by myself, but only the things that are familiar to me. I am really afraid of uncertainty and not knowing that I sometimes do not let myself experience some things, and that only results to a feeling of restriction which I hate – because I have discovered that I am a free spirit. I badly want some life instructions to be imposed upon be because I live in a sea of chaos, yet I also love my freedom and my own self-expression and my high school years were the first years of my life when I decided to follow my heart and have a unique expression of myself. However, because I had a low self-esteem and my high school back then valued conformity, my high school years were so difficult. My soul wanted to express itself in an environment that frowns upon true self-expression (the one that is in alignment, and not done in a space of wanting validation).

Before writing this down, I had a terrible time being alone with myself. And it still continues up until now – but luckily, my boyfriend now is more dependable and loving. I have thought to myself that I always had rotten friends and that my relationship with my best friend is now going downhill. Of course I became bitter. I have definitely lost trust in other people. And yet, I seek answers for what is going on with me now. The saying “ask and ye shall receive” is really true, since I eventually have thought of watching again Teal Swan’s video entitled, “SelfTrust vs Independence”. Yes I found answers, and I am very happy with it, and these are some of her quotes in the video that may help you if you are going through the same tough challenge:  

“The universe will continuously mirror your relationship with yourself. It will mirror your resistance to yourself by continually turning you back towards yourself. If we distrust ourselves, or if we can’t rely on ourselves, the universe will continually put us in situations where that is mirrored through us not being able to rely on other people or trust other people. We will be forced to reintegrate ourselves. We will be forced to reestablish a connection with ourselves. We will be forced to find out we can trust ourselves and can rely on ourselves. Because the universe will put us in situations where that’s our only option which is to figure out that we can.

“If you continually try to get other people to take responsibility for you, especially by asking them to make you feel better, you’re perpetuating a state of powerless dependence, self-avoidance, and self-distrust. The universe doesn’t hate you. You are not alone, and the universe is not telling you that you can’t depend on other people or other things. The universe is merely trying to put you in a position where you can learn that you can trust yourself. Be completely present with yourself and depend on yourself. It is trying to help you heal your relationship with yourself by leading you towards your relationship with yourself that is not good. To do this, it must lead you away from your current pattern of avoiding yourself by powerlessly depending on others. It is trying to lead you into self-trust and empowered symbiosis.”Teal Swan

Astrologically speaking, Saturn is the planet that imposes on tough life challenges for us to learn something very big. It is called the malevolent planet – since wherever Saturn is, there is restriction, delays, and difficulties. Saturn is like a stern authoritative father that wants you to learn and work hard. And yet it seems like Saturn is a loving father after all, only guised as someone that is too harsh, because the planet reflects our own fears. Right now I feel very grateful to have a very loving universe that parents me in such a way because it wants me to succeed in life, although this isn’t really very easy. Maybe we just have to put out our trust and hope into the universe, whatever happens in our life, and think that all of these are only for our own good. I remember back in 2012 when I was still in high school and I just started to blog, I posted “I wanna be independent.” My idea of independence was very different back then, and it is very obvious that I wrote from a space of resistance. My soul’s evolution is evident looking back at that post and looking at what I am writing now. Today, half of what I wrote back then was already manifested, but material things don’t count when we talk of real independence or autonomy. It is self-trust. And around the end of the year 2016, I probably will have learned how to depend and trust myself into meeting my needs. 


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