Finally Accepting History and Being a Historian


Two years ago, a planned to have a double major in Literature and History in this university, mostly because my friends were history majors. However, when I started taking history majors, they became the reason for my wailings and sobs whenever I get drunk. I find it hard to understand because it is so vast, and what made it worse is that I feel sleepy whenever my classmates and teachers would ramble about history at the front. A few months ago, I finally swore that I would never take history subjects again (because I got serious anxiety and panic attacks from one history subject, and because most of my history friends turned their backs on me) and just shift to psychology. And yet, eventually, the law of attraction got me. They say that whatever you resist persists, so the psychology subject that I have reserved for the enrollment in this semester suddenly became restricted to me, and to the other literature students. I had no choice but to enroll in another history major, and the one that fit my schedule was the Modern History of West Asia. This time, I think I would be a wandering into the world of Arabs and Muslims, and i still don’t know what will happen to me because I dread history. I cannot prevent my imagination from running wild and away from the class whenever they ramble about the dull facts and dates. I just cannot. See this resistance? :)

And because of what happened, I thought that maybe I was really meant to study history although my personality is more suited for psychology. Having studied history for years now, I must say that those subjects really helped me in understanding the world around me. It made me widen my horizon, broaden my perspective, and discriminate less. It also gave me lots of general information that I could use in intelligent conversations. And looking from a higher perspective, maybe the universe wants me to realize one kind of symbolism – that I can only look forward into the future after I understand what happened in the past. And since we are all one with the universe, it definitely applies to my personal life. I had a rough childhood, harsh home environment, and harsher high school environment that eventually turned me into a girl with a crabby temperament. But with the help of being thrown alone in this university, I learned to stand up from where I was, take care of myself, and now I became the girl of my dreams. I am definitely not a loser anymore. And because I had so much resistance to my past, I vowed to avenge myself with some secret plan, and just hold my head up high so my abusers would realize that they were wrong. But I realize now that this mentality that I have is wrong too.

Through history, I can become free. I can travel and understand the world as long as I want to, because there is no restriction when travelling in the mind. I was restricted so much before, especially in my childhood and early teenage years, but now that I discovered that I am really a free-spirited individual, history has opened up my mind to many sights, cultures, races, personalities, stories, and possibilities that this earth contains. It allowed me to sympathize more with my beloved planet because we are all one, and we all have experienced the same dreadful things. History makes us realize that one negative thought can turn into something big like the holocaust, and one girl’s diary can touch the whole world, like Anne Frank’s “A Diary of a Young Girl”. And, personally speaking, we cannot change history. We can only understand and dwell on it – then and only then we can move on. I cannot change my own history. I cannot change the family where I came from. I can only understand them from afar, since we I shouldn’t really be placed near them – and I can just be thankful that they gave me so much traumas in my early life so I now have some things to be healed from. Because of them, I can experience healing, purification, and redeeming myself like a phoenix. History at first seemed like a negative subject because it makes us dwell on such horrible things brought about by the human race before, but the universe still wants me to study it so I can practice acceptance and make peace with the past and with my past self. 

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