Break Up with the Old, Fall in Love with the New

After about a year of relationship with my boyfriend, I started feeling unhappy. I started seeing gaps and holes in him – and I realized that he wasn’t my ideal man after all. When I first met him, my wish of having a masculine, dominant, and possessive boyfriend came true. He chased me as an alpha male, and I felt like a princess for having such a tall and manly boyfriend. However, during the time when I fell in love with him, my life here in the university was in turmoil. I badly needed someone to be there for me, because I cannot always count on my family and friends, and obviously my relationship with him didn’t necessarily mean that I loved him for who he really is. I loved him, but he loved me more than I loved him. And that probably explains my behavior of always cheating on him despite having a secure relationship with him. I was in an abusive and controlling relationship with him; and yet I still felt secure with his unhealthy possessiveness. My low self-esteem made me stay by his side for so long, because I never thought that I’d still attract someone in my life who is the exact man of my dreams as I described about three years ago in my blog post, “My Idea of a Perfect Love.”

Looking from an outsider’s perspective, I cheated. I fell in love with my childhood friend who happens to have all the qualities that I look for in a man. I was unsatisfied with my ex-boyfriend because he lacks some things like maturity, consideration for others, and has all those petty irritating manners – but it just so happened that my childhood friend has all those positive qualities that my ex-boyfriend lacks. Both my childhood friend and I fell in love with each other unexpectedly, we were disillusioned by our beautiful childhood past wherein we liked each other and never knew it, and we fell in love after not seeing each other twelve years later. It’s cheating because I fell in love with another man while still being in a relationship with one, but my boyfriend and I both know that we have fallen out of love months ago. I know that I have changed. My desires and dreams have evolved and we are not meant to take the same path together again. A relationship full of arguments, disagreements, and verbal abuse already exhausted me – so eventually I found happiness with another man. We both have the same dreams for our future. And for now, he is my mirror image although we seem like total opposites. I feel so happy with him and I feel like having a relationship with him is the right choice for now.

If spiritual leaders like Teal Swan, Abraham Hicks, and Eckhart Tolle speak about honoring your emotions and following your bliss all the time, then breaking up with my ex-boyfriend and welcoming my childhood friend into my life would be the right choice to make. However, I feel so much remorse and pity for my ex-boyfriend because he still loves me even though I cannot reciprocate his feelings anymore. He does desperate moves like thinking of raping me or getting me pregnant so I cannot leave him anymore and so that my new lover would not like me anymore. He threatens me that he will expose to the whole world that I cheated on him, that he will kill my new lover, that he will commit suicide, etc. He asks me to accept him again because he will surely change himself for me, and that he will do everything I ask him. He curses, cries, and begs me to come back to him but I cannot fool him anymore. Of course I cry out of pity every single time he does those things. It’s because deep in my heart I know that I can do nothing for him right now. I’d rather hurt him than be miserable in our relationship because my new lover also loves me and cannot afford to lose the opportunity of loving him. I have desired him since we were children.

My friends tell me that I’m so beautiful to have two guys go gaga over me, but my situation right now is not as easy as you think. My ex-boyfriend and I really loved each other, but love fades over time and I don’t think we really are the right ones for each other. I really feel sorry for him that I even considered going back to him – but lately I realized that what matters most is my own happiness. I don’t want to be in a fake relationship. Meanwhile, my new lover and I have shared the same beautiful childhood memories and my parents have interacted with him too. He even held my father’s air gun and they shot one bird and cooked it. He told his family about me and they got so excited that I would be part of their family. He decided to get serious, marry me, and have children with me. We are so in love with each other that the upcoming Christmas already feels very special. We feel that we are really going to end up marrying each other so although my decision to break up with my ex-boyfriend was very risky, we think it will be worth it. Not seeing each other for more than a decade was totally worth it. And right now, I just feel so haba ng hair (beautiful) and lucky to have a kind, responsible, and charming man to love me seriously and be with me forever. :)


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