What Astrology Did to Me


When I was a kid, I was torn between being “religiously upright” and studying or doing things that I love. I was raised by Catholic parents, specifically my mother (because my father is actually not as devout as my mother is), so there were lots of restrictions in my being. I was a naturally shy and solitary child, but I felt like my talents, skills, and knowledge were not as showcased as the other kids’ – and because of the many criticisms I received as a little girl, I grew up to be inhibited and mysterious. I wanted perfection for myself not just because I care a lot about what other people say, but because the kingdom of heaven became my goal back then. I knew that God would only permit people who perfected themselves as Jesus to become worthy of his untainted Holy City. It was only in college that I realized how fucked up that is, and how it is a perfect tool for suppressing freedom of expression in people. So it was only now in college that I brought back my childhood fascination of the astrology and the occult. I just knew that there were certain arrangements in the planets that can influence us, and most of the things that I studied about astrology gave me joy as I really like understanding myself and other people. The occult, “magic,” the laws of the universe, spirits and extraterrestrials, universal dimensions – all of that gave me such inner peace and joy that no other scholastic subject can, except for visual arts and creative writing.

Basically, astrology became a tool for me to understand myself better. Growing up, I thought that something’s wrong with who I am because people seem to perceive me that way. Maybe it only stopped when I turned eighteen because that was the time that I stopped caring whether they think I’m a weirdo or not, as long as I am happy and beautiful. I really love making myself beautiful. When I learned that I was a Libra, and when I studied the sign deeper, I understood why I am making such a big fuss about beauty. It’s like the theme of my life. Lack of beauty is what I blamed for not receiving enough love as a child, and being beautiful is what I thought of as the reason why I get love now. I also have this flaw of caring a lot about other people that I am already hurting myself in the process. I can’t say no easily. And when I do, I feel a lot of guilt because I hate conflict so much. Eventually, I have learned that we are not our sun signs alone. We are the combination of all the signs, planets, and houses of our natal chart. When I first saw my natal chart, everything made sense to me. I am the perfect combination of a Virgo rising, Libra sun, Libra mercury, Scorpio venus and mars, third house stellium, intense pluto influence, Gemini midheaven, and so on. I am the child of Mercury, Venus, and Pluto combined. And I am very thankful for those placements because they’re so beautiful. Of course I am far from being astrologically crafted into perfection, but if only you knew how much self-deprecation I had for several years prior to my eighteenth birthday, you can somehow say that astrology helped me understand and appreciate myself.

Also, this knowledge of astrology led me to a better understanding of the universe at large – but also with the help of modern spiritual teachers like Teal Swan and others. Celestial events like lunar eclipses, mercury retrogrades, etc. helped me adjust myself better to not-so-good situations and understand that these planetary influences that fuck up our lives are not happening because the universe hates us, but because we can use them to our advantage to evolve spiritually into a higher consciousness. The study of astrology eventually led me to spiritual communities on the internet, like islands of misfit toys where I can share my weirdness and feel a sense of belonging that I cannot feel in the rational world. It led me to comfort others through my astrological and spiritual perspective that what they experience is okay, that who they are is not wrong, that their bodies are not suicidal, that they create their own reality, and that we are living in a very loving universe. Astrology is something that I can learn forever, and something that I’ll be very glad to casually teach to others who are willing to listen. Astrology is only one part of the whole; and I learn this as well as other spiritual teachings so I can integrate them in my life and find more joy in living. 

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