The Inner Child


I cannot absorb my readings; my mind is so full. I keep thinking about certain things, and a Gareth Gates song keep repeating in my head. I don’t know what the problem with me is. But what I know is that I really have to clear my mind in order to function properly. Lots of things are happening, and I have lots of obligations each waiting in my list to be done, and I can’t even find a happy time for myself. I feel like I’m transforming into a robot. Sure, I still watch girly makeup videos and chibi anime on Youtube, but I still get distracted by useless thoughts that keep coming to my head. Something’s wrong. Something’s up with me. I don’t know. Perhaps this is just normal for someone who is in her fourth year in college. Perhaps this is the first time I’m getting serious with my studies. Yet I still don’t know what the importance of college is. I think the truth is that unlike everyone else in college, I have no group to spend most of my time with. I had groups before, but that’s before lots of betrayals and backstabbings happened. Life is harsh. And so, I only have occasional dates with my best friend during our common free time.

I guess I’m jealous of people who always hang out with their fraternities, sororities, orgs, dormmates, etc. I only now have my best friend. This is safer, but it’s more exciting when you’re popular and many people like you. It’s pretty flattering to our egos. I’ve had enough of groups – because I get into trouble with them most of the time. It’s pretty hard when a whole group bullies you, especially behind your back. And what’s more painful is when you’re down, nobody’s gonna be there for you except for one or two people. I guess I perceive groups as shallow relationships, because you can only share laughter and the good times together but you’re not allowed to sulk or even cry even when you need to. Because you fucking need to adjust and show a fa├žade when you’re in a group. It takes guts for me to avoid and snob bad and unforgivable people – it’s not easy. But I’ve gotten into a stage wherein I don’t really care anymore. Because you’re “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” anyway. And that “I don’t care” stage is very lonely. We definitely need people in our lives. Yet they are also the reason why we are down in the dumps sometimes. It’s just so hard. Life is so hard.

You know, to be really honest, I envy freshmen students. They still carry with them the innocence of being a high school student and they still frequently do things in groups. Their studies are not yet that heavy, so they still find time to relax, travel a lot, and laugh together. It sucks that as we get older, we become more and more alone. We do things on our own now and all that shit, because we’re starting to embrace adulthood. Or because we think we’re already adults. I feel like being an adult sucks. Yes it has some benefits – like getting what you want for yourself without the interference of your parents – but why is it so sad? Why is the path of adulthood so sad and lonely and hard? Is this what they call reality? The dark side of things? How unfortunate. Or perhaps I was just abandoning my inner child who never grew up. I know that she’s the one who picked my floral and pink notebooks, mugs, towels, trash bin, and headphones. I know that she’s the one who laughs whenever I hear or see something funny. I know that she’s the one who sees the good in everyone, even in the people with bad reputations. I know that she’s the one who loves to take care of my family who abused me when I was younger. It’s just now that I realized that she’s just here within me – wanting to be listened to by her adult self. And now that I’m filled with sadness and emptiness as an adult, I guess I’ll rely on my inner child to rescue me. My little Theatot. 

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