Taking Time, Living Alone, and Thesis


Today, I have a 7am class for history but it’s 9:34am now and I just woke up. I feel a bit guilty for missing the lecture and quiz today – but I guess it’s okay, as long as the right thing for me now is to skip that very early class because I was tired because of an attempted research and watching a historical film yesterday. And I just couldn’t move earlier for it rained and it was too cold. I had to stay in my bed. Yet I feel really guilty. Today is also the deadline for my thesis analysis, but I won’t pass it today. I guess I’ll pass it tomorrow. One spiritual teacher says that the key to loving yourself is to care about how you feel, and not live life according to should’s. When my alarm clock rang earlier, that teaching was immediately brought to my mind. Should I stress myself out? Or should I permit my body to have enough sleep? I chose the latter. And now I feel really guilty – which still doesn’t do good for me. Somehow I feel like I get into trouble because I don’t know how to manage my time well, but the defensive part of me says that happy times are not wasted times. And I was happy spending my time with my best friend yesterday.

I also feel like I am already living in my own little bubble. But who doesn’t? Of course, it’s the people who always look outwardly instead of inwardly. It’s the people who care about society’s expectations and other people’s approval. It’s the people who have a tribal mindset. I, however, am already tired of it. Sure, it’s fun to be in groups – but in the long run, you’d care more about how the group or other people perceive you than finding empowerment within yourself. Of course I am saying this out of experience too. For the past two years, I lived in a boarding house wherein living there is a bit communal. Each of us had very little privacy. Isolating yourself from the group means risking yourself to being backstabbed. And when you are the enemy of one person there, most probably most of them will hate you also. I’ve tried it and it’s a bad thing. In a communal living like that, some people would also try to assert their dominance and be the queen bee and ramble narcissistically about themselves. It’s very draining to have lots of psychic vampires access your world. Therefore, I believe that removing myself from that house was very healthy for me. At least I have become less dependent of others and their approval. It’s safer because right now, only my true friends occasionally try to go near me.

And, going back to the topic of having deadlines and (unintentionally) not adhering to them, I found this very beautiful quote on the internet:

“Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” – Unknown

I get stressed out about my thesis because I do not know what the heck I am going to do with it. It’s scary because the jury that will judge my thesis are very educated and knowledgeable professors, and I fear that after all of the hard work that I have done, I will just end up failing this and have another burden later on. I want horrible things to get finished fast. Yet last night, which is the second night of my attempted analysis, I nearly finished my mock analysis and gained more insights because I was less stressed and my perspectives grew a little broader while talking to my best friend yesterday. I am very worried about the “unscholarliness” of my thesis, even though it’s a universal fact that every perspective is valid. The educational system surely limits us regarding what we should know. And that fact makes me so thankful of the internet because nobody had to tell me about researching about spiritual stuff. This innate curiosity just leads me to the awesome things that are mostly unknown to the world. I just wish I had enough curiosity about my boring thesis so I could get rid of it right away. Still, I am thankful that my thesis is close enough to my interests. I am doing a feminist deconstruction (still subject to changes) of some Cuyunon (Palawan) folk songs. I am really really really interested in women and all things that are feminine. However, I tend to steer away from radical feminism and just focus on how awesome it is to be a woman. Therefore, I think my thesis really fits me. And being thankful and realizing this just now helped me clear my mind and do my work with more enthusiasm. Ciao!

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