Pattern of Being Rejected and Hated


Recently I have been hurting so bad. Not because of my ex-friend (although a similar incident happened before because of her) - but because I feel that some acquaintances who I see almost daily hate me. I feel like they have been talking badly about me even though I have done nothing wrong. I feel like there’s just hatred present that cannot be justified. And for that reason, I hate them back. I do not make it so obvious in order to not make them feel bad. Something’s up and I don’t know what it is. For a long time I know that these people think lowly of me, or maybe they just think that they’re more superior for whatever reason, because they don’t try leeching or complimenting me for whatever but they do it to others. Okay, I admit that I look externally for proof of my self-worth. I admit that I have low self-esteem. Three years ago, you would have noticed it right away the moment you look at me. Now I’m more self-confident – but this hurt that I feel regarding people I meet daily who do not like me just means that I still have a low self-esteem. I want their approval, I want to belong, I want to feel appreciated. There’s still a wound in me that they have been triggering. And for that, I hate them. And I guess it’s better to hate than feel the extreme pain and hurt that stems from a very very very low self-esteem.

If you happen to be my friend, you’d tell me to stop caring about what other people think. It’s not that easy! Whether you appear to be strong or not, you still care about what other people think about you. Perhaps some people are just better in suppression than others. But although for days I have tried suppressing this feeling, it still persists. I am rejecting the fact that I care about what other people think. But the truth in my being still wanted to come out. I am fucking hurt by some people who show their dislike of me. You know what, some people only know how to hate. Instead of understanding people or looking at the bright side of things, all you hear from them are negativities. Some people, instead of improving themselves and minding their own businesses, seem to delight in other people’s flaws and misfortunes. For the past three years, I have somehow elevated myself from where I was before and the people who backstabbed and treated me badly were still where they are. Almost nothing changed because of their critical and hateful nature. And yet, what I said just now is another proof that I still care. I still have resistance to them. Instead of just meeting my own needs and doing my obligations, here I am sulking and hurting because of what they think. How contradictory.

This pattern of rejection of me seems to go on forever – especially in the romance department. The pattern is like this: the guy would want me to be his girlfriend, then I finally fall in love, but then someone who doesn’t really know me would badmouth me to the guy, then the guy withdraws his love in the end. Since I became a teenager eligible for romantic affairs, this has been the pattern for me. And it SUCKS!!! Yes I know that they are not worth it despite some of them being handsome, but I badly want to eliminate this kind of pattern in my life. Because it hurts so badly. And it makes me think that something’s very wrong with me. And that makes me reject myself. That makes me neglect my studies and have no appetite for eating. That makes me isolate myself from the crowd. But now I already have a boyfriend for more than a year and he still stuck with me even though he heard some unfavorable things about me like my geekiness and ugliness during high school and my suplada-ness. Somehow he broke the curse which has been making me miserable for years. Yet I still get angry and triggered whenever I see those guys who broke my heart. Love is always deep for me that’s why I hate them (“The greatest hate springs from the greatest love”). And, while I was searching for ways to ease this pain that I currently feel, I stumbled across an info that it all stems from our childhood wounds that did not heal. Perhaps it was because as the eldest child, I was loved so much when I was a baby but I was shocked the moment my little sister was born into this world just a year later. I probably felt like the love that was meant for me was withdrawn because of my fault. Because I was a jealous baby and probably because I wasn’t cute enough as a baby. Just looking at these reasons now makes me want to talk to my baby self and tell her that she was cute and had the right to be jealous. It’s not my fault. And I have the right to feel this pain now. I’ll let it consume and destroy me until it hurts no more. 

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