Lost Friendships


Here I am again, writing, because I have no other outlet for being so sad and hurt. A certain sweet friend suddenly became cold to me and it hurts me so much because losing friends make me unsafe in this world. I already lost lots so it kind of hurts when the ones you depend on to accept your human flaws drifts away from you bit by bit. My best friend, who seems to have thick skin, says that I shouldn’t take things so personally and that I should always think positive. Yet there are some things in this life that just hurt us easily even if they seem very superficial to a person or an alien who objectively observes the situation. I know that this fluffy friend who probably purposely ignores me just knows no other way of manipulating me into getting back with my ex-friend whom I have no plans of talking to again. I was fucking hurt and there’s no way that I would feel safe again with that kind of person. I don’t wanna be defensive again but she’s the one who made me feel unsafe in the first place by making me feel that she cannot be there for me when the whole world is against me and by letting other people treat me hostilely and thus make me feel unsafe too. Even though the whole world thinks that the right thing to do “socially” is to be friends with her again (and making it seem like pleasing them like this would make me reclaim the friends that I have lost), I personally am done with it. It’s not that I have a heart of stone. I just know deep down that friendships like these are very controlling and abusive (of course not in the physical sense) and there’s no way that I am going to risk my life with those kinds of relationships. No.

But, honestly speaking, she still haunts my dreams literally. I always dream of her. It’s amazing how she has occupied even my subconscious mind. There are times that I miss her, but it’s the old her. Things have changed. Unexpectedly, in fact. We have already expected each other to not leave each other until we graduate but I guess some things just have to happen in order to make us realize what’s wrong in our lives right now. “Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to get you to the right place (Mandy Hale).” The friendships around me back then were fake and conditional. It was based on forming alliances and study groups. But when something devastating happened, most of them immediately left my side and sided to my ex-friend as if it was a golden opportunity to express their hatred that they have been hiding for years. It’s very draining just to talk of this. I am not really blaming anyone – I am just justifying my actions because there are times when I beat myself up because of what happened. It hurts me that just because I left my friend because I needed space to heal my wounds, I suddenly became the bad person and they’re like slapping it onto my face. At least now I have an idea of what bad friends are. They are friends who don’t try to understand you and backstab you when something goes wrong.

Sometimes I even imagine talking to her again and sorting things out. What I just realized is that imagining it does not make me feel longing for her or her friendship again. Most of the time, when I imagine talking to her again, it’s for closure. It would be a very happy and romantic idea to mend our broken friendship but it’s just not possible anymore. The damage has been done and it has left an imprint on my emotional being and in my life. I somehow took a different route in life because of it. What’s missing is not the person, but the closure. But right now, given the circumstances, I don’t think it’s possible. I don’t like rumors to go around again – at the moment. When we talk, I want it to be only us and no one else. This is actually the first time that I experienced having a broken friendship that is best left broken despite the happy memories. It’s just like a breakup experience in romantic relationships. Some people are just not meant to be together. And it takes time to test whether someone is meant to be with you forever or just for a little while. This incident, although poignant and devastating, admittedly has taught me lots of lessons that I wouldn’t trade for anything. And as Ralph Smart said, it is only in the night that we see the stars. It is only through the dark times that we gain true wisdom. Now regarding the sweet friend who has become cold now, I guess we just have to let go of the relationships that no longer serve our happiness. Some things just have to happen, no matter how sad, because it’s probably for the best.

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