Dear Lola

For Miguela Tablazon Cabrestante, R.I.P.


Dear Lola,

Happy birthday! I am not exactly sure how old you are right now, maybe 80 or 81, I don’t know. But I want you to know that I miss you so much. It has been so long since the last time I cried for you. And I still regret the times that I should have spent with you instead of my ex-boyfriend or studies. You know I was so busy back then being a fourth year high school student. But it’s not an excuse, right? I did not even feel ashamed that despite your difficulties in walking, you were the one going to our house to see us, to see me. You loved me so much. I was your favorite grandchild and I know it. I was the one who gave you love and company when Lolo died. You grieved so much when he left you but then you found comfort when I lived with you for a few months. You always cooked for me, and always made sure that I drank “Busog Lusog (Chocolate variant)” right after I wake up. You’d always visit me in my room, and tell me to stop reading because it exhausts the mind. You were excited to wear your dangling earrings and you showed it to me like a happy young girl. You gave me your silver watch, probably to pass on your belongings, because you knew that you’re gonna die soon. I was so selfish and too preoccupied with the worldly things in life that I somehow ignored one of the most important things in my life which was you. Now you’re gone.

I have always blamed myself for your death because you were preventing me from leaving there when I was about to go to college. You even offered paying my school tuition just to be by your side. When I firmly told you that I will be leaving for UP, your health started deteriorating. You probably thought that nobody will be there to love you anymore. And I was foolish enough to not think about what you have probably felt. The day after I left my hometown, I received the news from my father that you were already in the funeral. You don’t know how crushed I was. It's already been three years since your death but I still can’t help but cry when I look at your name on the grave. I was so used to being taken care of by you that I cannot accept that you’ve already crossed over to the spirit world. I would also like to ask for forgiveness that I did not still have enough time, shortly after your death, to wallow in sadness because it was the start of a new academic year. I was busy in college and I’m really not proud of it. However, I thank you that during my first year in college, although I’ve had my fair share of enemies and bad memories, I have achieved a lot and I changed so much for the better. I knew in my heart that it was you who helped me. I have no proof, I just knew it. I believe that you have always been there for me in spirit, even though I cannot perceive you.

Are you happy wherever you are right now? Have you reunited with Lolo there? I wish both of you are okay, because you’ve already had enough sufferings in earth that you had to rest now. I wish you can visit me even just in my dreams. I want to have an assurance that you are here, and you are happy, even if your presence would make me cry again. I personally feel more connected with my father’s side of the family – specifically you and my father. For some weird reason I feel like I came down into this earth to help my father, your middle child. I don’t think he had received enough love from you but it’s okay though, because he is blessed with two daughters that he can be proud of anyway. It is too late to even regret most of the things that you did or did not do to your son, and I to you, but I thank you anyway for giving me sweet memories of a grandmother. You will always be my pretty and jovial grandmother. And if I die, I would like to have a soul contract with you and be with you again in the next life.  We made such strong ties in a small amount of time and you’re one of the reasons why there’s sweetness in living in this earth. Even though I may not think of you all the time, you will always have a special place in my heart, even bigger than the place occupied by my mother. Please be my guardian angel or spirit guide and be with me always. Or please let me know in any way that you are with me. I love you. And happy birthday. :)

Your granddaughter,

Thea

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