Criticism, Contrast, and Career


I am fucking angry at myself and at the world right now. I am so affected by an event yesterday which challenged my self-esteem. I don’t wanna blame anyone, since they say that the law of attraction only mirrors your internal reality. But I was so mad because I was criticized and I felt like I was not enough like this, or not intelligent enough for my age, and a lot of pressure was put into me. This is when I really realized that I never liked history. It’s interesting, yes, but not for me. It’s not because I am mad right now – but every single time that I try to attend history classes, I get drained. And for a long time I have fooled myself into believing that I love it. Or I will learn to love it. I want to clear to anyone who happens to read this that I am not blaming or attacking anyone. Anything that I write about here is about me and my own internal issues. If the people that I have encountered happen to have issues within themselves also, that is none of my business. But the thing is, I have realized that the one who criticized me and hurt my already low self-esteem was only mirroring my own criticisms of myself. I already felt not good enough or not smart enough in history even before it happened. My rational thinking says that what happened was meant to happen, that it’s okay, and that it’s just a challenge for me to grow and be better – but my soul is feeling sad, inferior, and angry. Very angry. Very hurt. And very hopeless.

Today, I have permitted myself to feel negative emotions. I am not distracting myself with stuff to do and learn. I. Am. Fucking. Angry. And whatever I tell myself to be soothed and rid of my emotions do not work. I feel sorry for myself and that’s the truth. I have tried to be vulnerable and I opened up to a certain someone but she only made me feel worse. She does not even care. And so, now I know that not all people are nice and not all of them deserve my kindness. What’s left for me to do now is to remove myself from the situations or people that make me feel uneasy and love myself more. Just now, I have become resolute in not taking history subjects anymore because really, the things in the past should just stay in the past. But that’s just for me. Dwelling in the past does not serve me and most of the time, I just want to move on. What I am interested about is people. Even before, I have been fond of psychology and anything that makes me understand human behavior. I should have just followed my joy and passion. I am still unsure of this other road that I am planning to take, but I think it’s a very good idea.

There are still a few months left for me to contemplate about this, but at least I have come to this realization just because I was emotionally triggered. I also would like to add that I hate a classroom atmosphere wherein the students are afraid of deadlines, afraid of just about everything, critical of people who are not as knowledgeable as them, and studying involuntarily. I hate being in a survival mode all the time. It is a very exhausting lifestyle. I hate competition because it’s inevitable to not include your self-worth there, and I would just like to do things that make me happy. But right now I am so unhappy. And I would like to blame the university for imposing such unrealistic demands on students and for being vampires of their vital forces. Some universities are even worse than mine so somehow I should be thankful but no. When I finally graduate (it would still take a long time for that to happen), I will make sure that I will completely get rid of the academe. I will not be a teacher. I’d like to be an artist, like a painter and writer and traveller of some sort. What happened is really such a big lesson for me and since I am stuck with my subjects now, I will just bear all the challenges that are coming my way until it’s over and it’s Christmastime. 

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