My Venus Retrograde Affair

Venus is in retrograde this time, along with some other planets. Approximately a day before the Venus retrograde, I doubted that I will have any major and hurtful problems with my current relationship because my boyfriend is so far the most stable of all the guys I have dated. By stable I mean that he loves me so much that he cannot leave me whatever mistake I make in our relationship. However, by the very start of this week (obviously Sunday), I have felt the adverse effects of Venus in retrograde. According to the websites that have this astrological information, relationships will be the theme of the six weeks of Venus’ retrograde. There can be major changes like breakups, past relationships that can be brought to life again, secret affairs, etc. Of course it’s actually deeper than that, but that’s how I understand the said astrological event. And so far, I can already see Venus’s very dark side lurking underneath her beauty and charm.

Last Sunday, I travelled to the city to get my laptop (which keyboard I damaged by water). Hungry, I went to Pizza Hut to eat Spaghetti al Pesto, my favorite pasta. All waiters were busy, and it was hard for me to capture their attention so that I could eat. When I finally finished my pasta, I looked around so a waiter can take my money. One young-looking waiter (whom I guessed was probably about my age) went up to me, always smiling. The closeness was suspicious, and his smiles were really cute. I really did not assume anything – but when he gave me my change in a very little tray, I saw that there was a tissue underneath with his name and mobile number and a smiley. I looked for him again and asked whose number was it, and he told me that it was his, trying hard not to get noticed. I went away smiling secretly until I travelled back to my dormitory. While I was in the jeepney, I texted the number that he gave me. It was really him, and I discovered that he liked me. And that’s how everything began.

Maybe I was too bored. Or maybe I was just so excited to have a proof of my attractiveness. I fondly remembered him as having a very cute, innocent, and kind face. He was fair, slim, and tall. He was really a kind of guy that most girls would get infatuated with, just because of his gentleness and sweetness inside out. I told him that I have a boyfriend. He got sad for a little while, but he still texted me. I felt guilty for my very loyal boyfriend but me and JR* were just so infatuated with each other. Last Sunday night was also a bit depressing for me because of the confusion that I had and the guilt that I felt for my boyfriend. I was even wondering if that event was meant by the universe to happen and if I already had to move on to the next guy. We arranged to meet the next day to talk things out. I also had to get my laptop again (which I failed to do on Sunday) and he decided to not attend his classes that day just to have a date with me.

When we met the next day (Monday), I was a bit disappointed that he was slightly different from what I thought he was. He looked less handsome to me and he was not really sweet and gentle at all times. I even thought that maybe he only wanted sex from me. Because he did. He wanted it so badly. He is a very sensual person, very physical – and while I want those qualities from a man, my trust is usually not easily won (romantically) and so my body is not easily gotten by the male species. He used emotional manipulation to lure me into a motel. I was in a very confused state, hoping that things were more innocent that they actually were. He promised that he wouldn’t do anything to me but express his love; but apparently, he really wanted to have sex. He even took off his clothes while I was a bit terrified and begging him to spare me. But I allowed him to kiss me. It was really sensual. I really like the feeling of having a guy kiss me slowly while holding my body. He was trying to do things to make me give up my virginity, but fortunately, I controlled myself and remained a virgin (Just in case you don’t know, I am a proud virgin. Haha!). I was just blabbing about anything under the sun the whole time, somehow hoping that my monologues would be a distraction to whatever that might happen. I could tell that he was a bit disappointed. But after that moment, we became really close. When we went back into the mall, we could already hug and kiss each other in public. And I became more confused about my feelings. But deep inside I know that my body may want him while my heart doesn’t. I realized that every man is capable of sex, so we must think carefully before choosing men and being with one.

Before this week ended, I also ended my affair with JR. So far, I have pondered that JR and I were not really compatible because we are both pigheaded and I, being a literature major, is automatically extremely judgmental (I’m not proud of this) of people who spell and pronounce things wrong. Another thing that turned me off is that he was always pressuring me into sex, while reassuring me of his love. But I still believe that true love means respect for each other’s beliefs and just wanting each other’s presence even without sex. (By that I do not mean abstinence, but sex must come naturally and not by pressuring or manipulation.) Knowing my shadow side, I can also be very cunning and dishonest when the situation demands it–and I don’t like how he cannot know that I am not in love with him despite what I was saying to him. I can love him as a friend, or a very close friend, but I would be violating myself (not just in the physical sense) if I get into a relationship with him. I love having the love that he’s giving me, but not necessarily the fact that it is he who gives me that love. My inner knowing just tells me that this is so wrong. Not just because I would hurt my boyfriend, but because I would hurt myself too if I am with the one that I don’t love. Weighing everything, my boyfriend is still heavier. With him I am more secure and safer. With him I am happier, even without sexual acts. Maybe it’s because we’re already past the lusty stage in our relationship – but nonetheless, everything would get hurtful if I choose JR. My boyfriend is very innocent and loyal, and he loves me so much. I would only cause hurt and chaos if I give in to this temptation. And I’ve already had enough of that.

I am just going through the beginning of the Venus retrograde this time and I don’t know what things are yet in store for us, but things like these make us think of the real value of the relationships we have in our lives, and can even make us reassess which things or people we truly value. As for friendship, my bestest friend in the whole world (Angel) is still on my side and we have grown closer than ever. We really enjoy each other’s company so much that just writing this is already making me teary. Meanwhile, Druzhina* is still (maybe accidentally) destroying my reputation and it hurts me because I have lost many friends because of her. Still, I am not regretful of what happened because it exposed the people who truly care about me and who just wants to see me fall. Sometimes I think about being reconciled with her, but every single time I try, she avoids and rejects me. But she still hasn’t moved on. I guessed they’re just out to destroy me. There are no other options but to feel the pain and avoid people that only bring hurt. During this time of my life, I can say that there are only two people who deeply love and care about me. And that is my boyfriend and my best friend.

*Names are hidden for privacy purposes.


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