The world does not revolve around me.


Lately, after I’ve become Marimar (the pretty version of myself), I’ve always expected the world to revolve around me because in most cases, it does. I won’t exactly call myself a conceited person, but I’m kind of expecting that I already have the power to get almost everything I want – and for now I want people’s attention more, despite being timid, because there’s still a hole in my being that needs to be filled through gaining attention. When I was a little girl, all attention went to my little sister. It’s not that I am jealous of her being the star, I didn’t even know about all that, but I felt really deprived of my parents’ attention which created this big hole in my being. I’ve tried all sorts of things to please them like always being on top of my classes and being a good girl (which led to my natural inhibition and suppression), but I still ended up as the black sheep, and I blamed my plain looks for this frustration. My alter ego is Maria, the shy, quiet, snobbish, solitary, pessimistic, and critical side of me – and I just transform back to her after a long day, when I become exhausted of making the best of being Marimar. At the end of the day, I realized that my true self was not just Marimar (I uncovered her after finally gaining confidence), but both Maria and Marimar. They are the light and dark aspects of my personality but there is no such thing as light and dark. Only society dictates what is acceptable and unacceptable. The plain truth is that Maria plus Marimar is equal to Maria Anthea, the authentic me. I have to stop rejecting Maria because I would only be making an enemy of myself.

In almost every social gatherings, I expect people to admire and pay attention to me but yesterday, which was my aunt’s birthday, there were so many people that we have not been taken care of very well. We were mostly left to ourselves, doing our own thing, and I was so frustrated that I wanted to go home right away. This is a very sad idea to think about; but last night, I realized that the world does not revolve around me. Everyone has their own thing to think about. And even though I am pretty and attractive, some people will just walk past me or just look briefly and then move on. But that doesn’t decrease my worth, however. I am not an idol to worship. I am not a goddess. I am not Britney Spears. Or not yet. The good thing was that I wasn’t completely ignored last night. Some people went near me like moths to the light, while some people didn’t because they were not moths. Yet last night’s incident made me realize that I am just a part of the whole. I cannot stand alone by myself. And that incident made me learn one more thing about myself: I hate being ignored. That explains my beauty routine, makeup, big earrings, and sexy outfits. But you know me – that’s just me.

Yes, the whole world does not revolve around me. But the good thing is, my own world does revolve around myself. And I have myself to take care of myself. My own perspective will guide me through the paths I want to take in life. Every big desire that I have will be achieved, and I will be the ideal and perfect person in my own perspective. Caring about what other people think only gives us suffering, and we all know that, so what’s left for us to do is to care so much about what we need, think, and desire. I am my own person, and I need myself more than other people. Other people can destroy and harm us, but we can always count on ourselves to love ourselves. I am really the kind of person who thinks she is always right (at least I’m admitting it lol) – but nothing is wrong with that as long as being right concerns me and my life. I really don’t let anyone dictate what I should do. I really butt heads with people like that. The whole world does not revolve around me, but I can trust myself to go on with my life and achieve whatever I want. In my own little world, I will always be pretty, sexy, and interesting. (It’s better to think of yourself that way than to think of yourself as inferior. I’ve been there.) And no one can be in charge of my own world but me. 

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