Pretty Boy

I haven’t listened to this song for a while. When I first listened to it when I was probably four or five years old, I already claimed it to be my favourite song. When I was eleven years old and I went crazy for Britney Spears, it was also the time when I went crazy for this song. It was also the first time when I went crazy for a boy (my first love, ever) and this song fuelled my fantasies for my puppy love. I loved repeating this song over and over again when I was eleven. When I was in my pink room, I’d fantasize about anything that I’d love to be and I’d love to have. Nowadays, listening to Pretty Boy by M2M would make me have nostalgia for my eleven-year-old self. My fantasies back then were so pure. And I really believed in true love, soul mates, and forever. When I looked into the picture of the M2M album, I felt a really strong desire to be like them. Marion and Marit were wearing simple teenage clothes, they lie on many pillows, and they were laughing. They really looked so pretty.

Back then, I really believed that I can get what I want. I always daydream, and I always look at M2M and Britney Spears in their teenage years. They were my role models. In most of their music videos, they were 17 or 18. But now I’m already 19 and turning 20. What have I become? Did I really become like them? I don’t know. But the feeling that arises in my being when I listen to Pretty Boy is not frustration or a feeling of failure. It’s the feeling of intense nostalgia, the feeling that I’d like to be eleven years old again. I’d love to be transported back to that time when I was still filled with pinkish and girly fantasies because those things make me happy. I get so lost in my daydreams back then, but now I couldn’t anymore. Looking back at my old pictures, I know I have changed. I’ve changed so much that probably my present self and my eleven-year-old self would quarrel if they meet. I am so enveloped with pessimism right now. All sorts of traumas and triggers keep coming into the surface. All my life I am sensitive, but I get passionate outbursts right now. I experience emotional instability but I was really a peaceful and calm little girl back then. I want to tell my eleven-year-old self to just wait, because I am on my way to being her dream girl. Just wait.

M2M disbanded after about four years, and it’s the saddest thing for the fans of M2M’s sweet girly songs. Marion and Marit have been best friends ever since they were five-year-olds, and it’s sad to witness them breaking up. They had to disband because the Atlantic Records said so, for their second album didn’t get much sales. Also, (according to rumors) Atlantic Records believed that Marion had more sex appeal so she’d do better going solo. They both talked about it and decided to separate. I also felt that they were growing apart while being together – they started thinking differently so they needed to go their separate ways. Marion wanted rock and Marit still wanted to be sweet. It’s a sad thing in friendships; I know because I’ve experienced that. Although growing apart is inevitable, resentments also are. We needed to go our separate ways because we can’t stand each other anymore and our differences get larger and larger as time goes by. Somehow I also relate this to my relationship with myself. I just can’t go back to my older self, although I regret that time passed by so quickly. But I think I changed for the better. At least I became better than thinking that I cannot do anything and that I am only limited to daydreams and fantasies. However, I lost my optimistic self and childlikeness because of going through a lot. I think I’m gonna listen to Pretty Boy and Britney Spears more often now because I want to save my happy and girly inner child.


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