Just this afternoon I got triggered again. And I’m not gonna beat around the bush right now. Basically, I left my old boarding house because I find most of the people there toxic. I believe I’m pretty intuitive too, so I can sense people’s intentions or genuineness. Most of the people there have hidden agendas and are prone to backstabbing you even though they hug you constantly, and I’ve had enough of that crap. But really, I left my old boarding house because Druzhina* made me feel like I am responsible for her or for being with her when she wants to, but we’ve already broken our friendship in an energetic level. We both know that. We tried to salvage our friendship (or I thought so) but we just can’t. From the first time we interacted, we were already pretty incompatible and she’s made me taste her bitchiness from the first time we got together. She has this way of turning up a “gang” against you even if you’ve never really done something wrong and you just annoyed the crap out of her. I’ve always been sweet to her – I know it – but I’m fed up. There was a crisis that tested our friendship and instead of listening to me first (considering that we’re like the closest friends at that time), she and her “gang” teamed up on me and Ariana* (my twin) and my twin ended up crying. It was really mean of them. Especially HER. She’s a great listener but you never wanna get into her nerves. She forgets who she is and just becomes a horrible bitch. Or witch.

I called her a “druzhina” for a reason. They’re basically ancient Russian warriors who are very independent but serve princes. Eventually, they turned into the “boyars,” which are the Russian noblemen that actually did nothing but be traitors to the monarchy for their personal advantage. Druzhinas are far from friends – and if I’ve only known that earlier, then I could have saved myself from hurt and controversies. I don’t know but I kind of question her intellect right now. She knew very well what the reasons why I moved into a dormitory where I almost knew no one were and separated myself from the close friends that I had in the boarding house. It was mainly desperation! It was intense depression! She knew very well how hurt I was, and how my other friends turned away from me because of her. She knew very well that she wasn’t the only one that hurt – I was hurt more because at that time, other people turned their backs on me too while she had so much people that supported her. Nobody cared to listen to me. But I just wanna say, HOW SELFISH YOU ARE!!! You say you’re empathetic but you’re kind of wanting revenge right now. Your friends, or your “gang” who were my friends also earlier now ignores me or rolls their eyes when I’m around. You don’t know how terrible that alone makes me feel. And I kind of have to put up with that as long as I’m in the university because there’s no way I can avoid crossing your paths accidentally, and it just triggers me every time. I get reminded of those times when you completely ignored me and badmouthed me to people. I didn’t do that to you. Ever. Because I knew that you were my friend. But now I don’t know if you ever really did become my friend, because a friend is not a bitch in a wrathful way. You just reek of black energy and hatred that I don’t wanna be around you anymore. I really mean this, by the way.

Earlier, I went into the grocery store to buy some snacks and an orange fruit juice to be used for my liver flush session later. As I was eyeing for sweets and some food to indulge on, I suddenly ran into Hansel* and Korazon* who said that they missed me. While they were with me you ran into us and smiled at them and basically just denied my existence. I could see disgust in your face. I knew you very well to read your facial expressions. It was my first time being that close to you in four months and you are still airy (I mean mostly made up of the element of air). You also still have that trademark “black energy” that emanates from your being when you’re angry. You can’t be so soft. You just can’t. And you’re immovable once you’ve made up your mind on something. Unfortunately, I can be like that too. And I did all that I can to avoid you, since you’ve avoided me first. I know nothing good can come out of talking to you. And just that act of begging you for forgiveness when you’ve hurt me as well would just seem so phony. You’ve also dragged some people into your issue, and they’re angry at me as well as if I abused you in some way. You can just leave the issue behind and bury it beneath the ground, but you’ve made things more intense before it can be mended. And so, I was so anxious while paying the foods that I’ve bought and walked as fast as I can to get rid of you. You don’t know how hard my heart beat as I was on the tricycle, and on my way to my dormitory. I asked myself, “How did I make myself a match to his horrible event?” Because just like how you feel about me, of all people that I don’t want to see, it is you and your “friends”. And if I’d go by the teaching to always do actions that are self-loving, I’d always avoid you in every way I can because nothing comes out of seeing you but hurt, anger, and trauma.

Yes, trauma.

*Names have been changed. 


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