Dropping into the Shadows

For a long time that I knew what shadow work is, I only practiced it now because I’m desperate to feel better. I’ve done all sorts of things to improve my state of health and happiness: liver flushes, shadow work, video tutorials, attempts to be a vegetarian, buying clothes and jewellery, and watching funny videos of children. Yesterday, I posted a very resentful post about someone who (I think) antagonizes my life. Some people would say that that kind of airing one’s dirty laundry is rather destructive especially to one’s own reputation, but that’s my only outlet for my pain and anger. Nobody is around me all the time these days to even listen to my sentiments. Luckily I’m not dropping into those states of hopelessness again, but these events that happen only mean that I am not over it yet. Anger, pain, and hatred are just a few of the human expressions and they’re quite normal so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with displaying them. These negative emotions need to be released and not suppressed, embraced and not rejected. Healing sometimes means dropping into our darkest and vilest shadows completely.

Last night, I drank an olive oil mixture for my liver flush session. I felt so nauseous that I sank into a deep sleep right away, and I woke up at 8 in the morning feeling really sick. I tried to ignore the feeling and assured myself that it will go away minute by minute, but my stomach just gave up. I threw up most of the oil mixture and some food residue and it was really terrible. It was what happened physically but could I have thrown up some negative emotions that have built up inside me? I don’t really know if it was a sign of the universe for some kind of an important message but I took it that way. Perhaps some things in our lives are already poisoning us and we just have to throw them up to feel better. Hours later, I went into the restroom four times to release my liver stones and gallstones, and I was surprised how big the last ones were (most of them were about two inches). I could have collected them and shown them to you but my camera is broken. I have read somewhere that when we feel negative emotions like anger, sadness, rejection, jealousy, and so on, they affect our internal organs and the pain that we feel internally during detoxifications are dormant negative emotions that are getting stirred up in an energetic level. Perhaps this liver flush can help me stabilize my emotions; because according to Andreas Moritz, angry people have clogged livers.

Before I got triggered yesterday, I was dealing with the feelings of shame, which is another problem of mine. I sank deep into the feeling of intense shame and asked myself when I last experienced it. It was during the druzhina incident. I asked myself when I first experienced it. I saw a very blurred memory of a child that pooped in her underwear in her classroom when she was four years old. She had been bullied out of saying anything so she became mute. Whenever she asked for help from her pre-school teacher, she purposely ignores her. Therefore, she became reluctant to ask for help and suppressed her stool from coming out because she believed that no one would help her anyway. That was a time of total shame for that child. Even when she got home, she got shamed for what happened. Her classmates back then continued to bully her and she was just four years old then. Not knowing how to stand up for herself, she kept mute and took all those childish insults. And as she grew up, she was very silent and not eager to make new friends. I suddenly saw the little child that I labelled as “Shame” crying and silently asking me for help. She held up her hands open as she saw me, sobbing, because I was the only one who would listen to her. I held her in my arms. She was the most ostracized child in the school. When I look into the girl’s face, I couldn’t even understand why she gets treated that way. She’s just a child; she’s completely helpless. She had a small and fragile bone structure, a thin body, and a short hair with bangs over her chubby face that looks serious and innocent every time. And I couldn’t understand why her parents weren’t there to protect her.

And after I saw Druzhina and my feelings of anger were brought into the surface, I sank into deep emotional states again. I couldn’t find an outlet for it, so I immediately typed my feelings away. But just hours ago I was triggered again by that incident, and I couldn’t help but do shadow work. I completely sank into the feeling. I asked myself, what does that feeling look like? And I saw ugly claws with long nails trying to hurt me and I keep dodging. I asked myself, when was the last time I felt that? The same incident comes into mind. When was the first time I felt that? I pictured myself being so sad – the saddest emotion that a child may feel – when I was sitting at the corner while my parents were carrying and playing with my little sister. Lots of scenarios came up actually, that I don’t know which one of them was first: I wanted to be carried too like my little sister but our caregivers judged me as “jealous” instead. My mother and father fought inside the room but they didn’t know that I was listening outside the door. My mother talked about divorcing and she wanted me to be in my father’s care because according to her, “Magsama kayo! Pareho lang kayo!” I didn’t know what that meant at that time, but I remember crying and begging my mother not to leave me. How could she judge a four or five-year-old little girl like that when she didn’t even know what she was doing? I tried to describe in adjectives what I felt. I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel like I don’t belong.

I was trying to find my negative imprint. They say that we cannot know white without black, and that it’s only during the darkness that we can see the stars. I tried to identify my negative imprints to figure out what my purpose in life could be. In the two instances that I have mentioned, my two negative imprints were SHAME and REJECTION. I looked into a thesaurus what their antonyms could be, and they are SELF-CONFIDENCE and ACCEPTANCE. Perhaps I opted into this life to know what self-confidence and acceptance are. After we have delved enough into the depths of the darkness, we can now shift our focus into the positives, because the darkness should not possess us or we would eventually become low-vibrational beings that emit toxic energy. The darkness or shadows are only guides. They are like the “questions” that will eventually lead us to the “answers” that we’ve all been asking for. Most of us experience a “pattern” of happenings that have the same theme or feels. These are the unhealed aspects of ourselves that usually happened in childhood and have been suppressed because we were taught that way. If we understand the law of attraction, we attract in our experiences our exact vibrations, even the vibrations that we have suppressed or we are not conscious of. This calls for the integration of our being. Healing doesn’t only happen in a physical level – most of the time, it is vibrational. Our illnesses or physical discomforts are only the physical manifestations of our negativities, because we had them long enough.


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