Another Trigger

I always attract people who get scary when they are angry. And I always think (even oftentimes it may not be the case) that they’re angry at me, because I am pretty messy and disorganized. I just think all the time that they’re upset because of me and I don’t want that. I always blame myself for every negativity around me and I don’t know why. Some people have accused me of being a people-pleaser – but I don’t see myself that way – I just have this core belief that making people angry with me threatens my survival. There’s nothing in the world that can make me feel safer but a small group of very intimate friends who wholly accept me for who I am (so far only three people made it into my “close friends” list). Sorry but I’m really upset right now. I don’t even know if writing right now is also a way of running away from my feelings. I’m a pretty sensitive person; I always get upset at the shallowest reasons. People get upset at different things because each individual have very different kinds of childhood. I can get triggered by a simple gossip about me while you can’t. Teal Swan said that one specific thing cannot hurt you if there is no sore or wound that is already present in your being. Pondering on that statement, I realized that maybe I was hurt so much in my childhood that many things now in my adult life keep reminding me of those past traumas and that explains my extreme vulnerability.

To get in a space of healing, I will deal with my emotions and let it embrace me. What does this sadness feel like in my body? I feel heavy, like sinking into my bed, but the heaviest part of my body is my chest. It’s like something’s in there that cannot free itself. And when I feel that kind of heaviness, I become like a turtle hiding inside its shell. My heart beats not so fast, but the beating is so hard and loud that I can definitely notice it. The feeling looks like a not-so-ugly transparent blue giant that wants to lie on me until I get buried into the ground. I feel more anger rather than fear. I feel indignant.  It gets harder to breathe. The monster makes me wanna cry. It is crushing me. I am now grinding my teeth. I let the giant crush me. I crawl helplessly under the giant, trying to find my way out. Right now my head and wisdom tooth aches. My tooth angrily wants to get out. Wisdom tooth ache dominates my being. I feel calmer. I feel peaceful. Like I’m comforted by angels in a cloud of pillows. I feel comforted by a breezy feeling. Bit by bit, the pain in my wisdom tooth fades.

I am not sure when I will get triggered again, but the best thing to do at the present moment was to get into the feeling state. I felt better right away like a crying child who gets comforted by a parent and frolics into the garden again just five minutes later.  However, I still haven’t dug into the root of the issue. When was the last time I experienced that? When our dorm staff was probably sleepy or sad and I thought he particularly disliked me because of some gossip about me (my worrying does reach that far). When was the first time I experienced that? The image that comes into my mind was when my little sister and I fought when I was probably four or five years old, and our mother just snapped and stopped talking to us. I cried so much at that time. My little sister was forgiven right away while my Mama stubbornly won’t talk to me right away. She gave me the cold shoulder and that’s what made me cry louder. I get worried when people exhibit coldness around me or annoyance because it triggers me back to the time when my mother would get cold to me and just the thought that she does not love me anymore is traumatic. That was my mother whom I get much of my emotional security. But that fact that I am like this now may mean that I did not get much security from my mother. I attribute this insecurity to her. Thanks Ma. It may mean that she was so engrossed with taking care of my little sister that she forgot I was still there. I had a very bad relationship with my mother until last year and that was probably because of that. Her love for my little sister was called “unconditional love,” while her love for me was called “responsibility.”

Right now I’m angry. I am particularly angry at my mother. If she just did love me, if she just made her love for me at least equal to her love for my little sister, I’m sure I wouldn’t be like this, struggling with my self-esteem issues. Back then, there was no one to comfort me. You’re asking where my father was? He was probably somewhere drinking alcohol. I am not close to my father because he avoids the responsibility of taking care of us. I really couldn’t see him back then. So I transport myself mentally into the time when I was four or five years old and crying so much because my mother won’t forgive me. My present (adult) self went into the house and hugged little Thea. I told her, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. That is not your mother. You’ll see what I mean when you get older. She will never understand you, and you will receive a thousand criticisms for every compliment that she gives. She will be the cause of your insecurity issues that will peak at your adolescence and you’ll have a hard life.” I just hug her because her mother won’t hold her. Little Thea gets touchy (I mean very physical) when she shows affection, but her mother doesn’t like that. So I hug her tight. “How come she’s not my mother when she gave birth to me?” I gently reply to her, “She’s the mother of your little sister. But she doesn’t act like you are hers. Your mother doesn’t want you so don’t waste your time gaining her affection because it’s already directed at your little sister.” I confront little Thea’s mother and shout at her. “This is a four year old child!!! How dare you put traumas in her when you don’t even know how to comfort her?!! She will get adopted by other parents because you only make her suffer!” I carry little Thea into the orphanage when minutes later she gets adopted by very rich parents (like having a French baroque style of house with lots of golden sculptures and boudoirs) who cannot have children for ten years. They also adopt a boy who will be little Thea’s big brother, and who grows up handsome and able to protect little Thea from people who want to harm her.


Post a Comment

Powered by Blogger.