Rainy Days & Pimples = Emotions???


I never really liked rainy days. And it rained and thundered just now. I woke up from my afternoon nap because of the weather chills. I looked at myself in front of my compact mirror right away and popped the angry red pimple on my left cheek. The pus was pushed outward and blood followed. Now I’m worried about the ugly scar that it will leave on my face. According to one of our new age psychics and spiritual leaders, Teal Swan, acne is caused by shame or unexpressed emotions on an energetic level. Of course there is no proof to that, given that most people in the world cannot see unseen things. But I kind of agree to that, since beauty starts from within – and whatever’s on the inside will show outwardly. Any negative thought will manifest mostly through our physical bodies. Pimples are negativities that weren’t allowed to be gotten out or expressed. That is why pimples look like struggling to get out of our faces. And they look ugly too.

And although popping and picking pimples have always been discouraged from all over, I have decided just last year that it is best to pop pimples – but only when they’re ready. It’s the same with emotions. We try to suppress our pimples through all of these oral drugs or things dabbed onto the zits, but the pus just remain there until they’re guided by our hands to come out. It’s just like emotions. Most people aren’t comfortable expressing their true emotions right away. It’s because we adhere to society’s standards that we have to be a certain way to get accepted or to be called “normal”. So I feel that the best way to express what we really feel is to express them when we’re ready. There are also some “denied” emotions or thoughts or beliefs but we undeniably got them in our being. Suppressing is never a good thing. It never is. But like popping a pimple, expressing emotions 24/7 is also apparently disapproved. As adults we have to be calm and composed to be respected so we resort to suppression. And as I have mentioned before, pimples are a manifestation of suppressed negative emotions/thoughts. When they’re popped or let out, they leave ugly scars, which we fear. But then scars are better than having pimples themselves. Moreover, what’s good is that scars eventually fade through time. So we never have to worry. Popping pimples and expressing emotions are definitely okay.

Just now I’m getting pissed off at the rain and loud thunders. But I thought that since water is associated with emotions, therefore the rain could symbolize complete expression of emotion. I also associate thunder with rage or anger, so that pretty much explains it. We hate rainy days because we hate dealing with our dark sides or negativities. Nobody wants to deal with anything ugly and horrifying. But we must do it for our own healing. Getting drenched in our shadow aspects and facing them means opening an opportunity for saving our inner children that got stuck in some kind of a traumatic past. I just remembered now that everything around us is a reflection of what is happening inside ourselves. We are inside the universe at the same time that the universe is inside us. I did not really get triggered today, I was not upset or really down in the dumps, but I was feeling down because I did not really did well in doing my thesis proposal. All the work that I have to do have been jam-packed into one week, which is next week. I do not really want to focus on these, so I keep on procrastinating. I distract myself through watching Tyra Banks Show in Youtube. But if you understand the law of attraction, you can tell that this “procrastination” or “distraction” is actually benefiting me. Like a young pimple, I am not yet ready to face what worries me right now. Wish me luck. 

Angel


I was lured to a path of that of an angel
here in the stupid depths of hell
with skin, hair, and face as a cherubim
and whose smiles give hints of heavenly essence
that light up this damned planet so dim.
Strange it is in her divine presence
she has no wings that flap
only ears that clap
to the sound of our hearts beating.
And if ever she has wings
I’d chop them off, you’ll see
to condemn her to a life on earth with me.
Trying to hold or hug to possess
this beauteous angel is indeed useless
for when I look in her eyes
and when she looks in my eyes
although we don’t converse
in rhetoric verse
said the universe
our hands perfectly fit
and our hearts just lit
for we are one soul that split.

A birthday poem for my twin sister/best friend, Angel.

Locks


I have locks that reach
and touch my feet
which waves can be sailed
by a thousand fleet;

Locks that can be plaited
or meticulously braided
with flowers adorned
or crowned with thorns.

Yet the same lovely locks
that reach my feet
are the same pesky locks
that give unbearable heat.

I am tempted to cut
but the world says, Do not!

For these silky locks
that beautify my head
are the same locks that make me
cry in my bed –

My most coveted locks
are the same wicked locks
that crush my body,
choke my throat,
and cover my mouth.

Mute


I spoke once but nobody heard;
I sang once but nobody listened.
Thus instead of a voice
what came out are tears
which will forever replace my voice, I fear.

If silence is indeed golden,
then I must have been
a golden statue
that has tarnished and blackened
through the quick steps of time
or a yellow doll held by a brute
that’s expected to talk
and be sharp like a hawk
but was stitched in the mouth to be mute. 

Red Ribbon


The pink ribbon that cuddled us
together, my friend
has been damaged and busted
through the passage of time.

It has borne unsightly holes
that are too large to mend
and its once sweet color
has already turned red.

The love and happiness
became anger and blood
that dripped from our hearts
that are once two in a pod.

Now this torn old ribbon
that has bound us together
is a mere rubbish memento
of our freedom from forever.

Pretty Boy


I haven’t listened to this song for a while. When I first listened to it when I was probably four or five years old, I already claimed it to be my favourite song. When I was eleven years old and I went crazy for Britney Spears, it was also the time when I went crazy for this song. It was also the first time when I went crazy for a boy (my first love, ever) and this song fuelled my fantasies for my puppy love. I loved repeating this song over and over again when I was eleven. When I was in my pink room, I’d fantasize about anything that I’d love to be and I’d love to have. Nowadays, listening to Pretty Boy by M2M would make me have nostalgia for my eleven-year-old self. My fantasies back then were so pure. And I really believed in true love, soul mates, and forever. When I looked into the picture of the M2M album, I felt a really strong desire to be like them. Marion and Marit were wearing simple teenage clothes, they lie on many pillows, and they were laughing. They really looked so pretty.


Back then, I really believed that I can get what I want. I always daydream, and I always look at M2M and Britney Spears in their teenage years. They were my role models. In most of their music videos, they were 17 or 18. But now I’m already 19 and turning 20. What have I become? Did I really become like them? I don’t know. But the feeling that arises in my being when I listen to Pretty Boy is not frustration or a feeling of failure. It’s the feeling of intense nostalgia, the feeling that I’d like to be eleven years old again. I’d love to be transported back to that time when I was still filled with pinkish and girly fantasies because those things make me happy. I get so lost in my daydreams back then, but now I couldn’t anymore. Looking back at my old pictures, I know I have changed. I’ve changed so much that probably my present self and my eleven-year-old self would quarrel if they meet. I am so enveloped with pessimism right now. All sorts of traumas and triggers keep coming into the surface. All my life I am sensitive, but I get passionate outbursts right now. I experience emotional instability but I was really a peaceful and calm little girl back then. I want to tell my eleven-year-old self to just wait, because I am on my way to being her dream girl. Just wait.



M2M disbanded after about four years, and it’s the saddest thing for the fans of M2M’s sweet girly songs. Marion and Marit have been best friends ever since they were five-year-olds, and it’s sad to witness them breaking up. They had to disband because the Atlantic Records said so, for their second album didn’t get much sales. Also, (according to rumors) Atlantic Records believed that Marion had more sex appeal so she’d do better going solo. They both talked about it and decided to separate. I also felt that they were growing apart while being together – they started thinking differently so they needed to go their separate ways. Marion wanted rock and Marit still wanted to be sweet. It’s a sad thing in friendships; I know because I’ve experienced that. Although growing apart is inevitable, resentments also are. We needed to go our separate ways because we can’t stand each other anymore and our differences get larger and larger as time goes by. Somehow I also relate this to my relationship with myself. I just can’t go back to my older self, although I regret that time passed by so quickly. But I think I changed for the better. At least I became better than thinking that I cannot do anything and that I am only limited to daydreams and fantasies. However, I lost my optimistic self and childlikeness because of going through a lot. I think I’m gonna listen to Pretty Boy and Britney Spears more often now because I want to save my happy and girly inner child.

The Menstrual Cycle


Kate Millett, in her book “Sexual Politics,” describes how the event of menstruation has been demonized by patriarchy from ages ago:

“One anthropologist refers to a consistent patriarchal stain of assumption that ‘woman’s biological difference set her apart...she is essentially inferior (Rays, 1964).’ The feeling that woman’s sexual functions are impure is both worldwide and persistent. The event of menstruation, for example, is a largely clandestine affair, and the psycho-social effect of a stigma attached must have great effect on the female ego. There is a large anthropological literature on menstrual taboo; the practice of isolating offenders in huts at the edge of the village occurs throughout the primitive world. Contemporary slang denominates menstruation as the ‘the curse.’ There is considerable evidence that such discomfort as women suffer during their period is often likely to be psychosomatic, rather than physiological, cultural rather than biological, in origin.”

And while it is reasonable to “blame” patriarchy for the “inferiority” of women that they have imposed on society, and especially upon the psyches of the women themselves, women must not forget the utter truth that they are goddesses representing the divine feminine essence of the universe, instead of a “mistake” created by God. My period was delayed for a week, and only now have I experienced this kind of cleansing in my body. Having regular menstruation (meaning monthy) is the natural state for a woman, and with those women who are having irregular menstruation, there must be something wrong that’s going on in their bodies. Sometimes it is caused by stress, unhealthy lifestyle, or contraceptives (most pills inhibit the body in particular ways). Personally, whenever my period gets delayed for a week, two weeks, or even a month, I panic! And most women, whether they’re sexually active or not, automatically think that they’re pregnant when their period comes later than expected. I always believe that’s the case, that sometimes I get so superstitious to the degree that an “engkanto” or spirit has impregnated me. People are just fond of scaring others, you know, that most of the time we adopt these scary thoughts throughout our lives. We get warning signals all around when our periods are delayed that the first monthly blood stain on our undies is a relief. It’s also strange how women nearly before the time of their menstruation get emotional ups and downs, pimples *glare*, and a heightened sex drive. We are very changeable, like the moon changes its phases for a few days.


Teal Swan, in her fourth interview in Dwaine Hartman’s Inner Balance TV [Youtubelink] which is about the divine feminine and the divine masculine, talked a great deal about the women’s menstrual cycle:
“Women from a very early age are taught to make an enemy of their bodies. We fight our bodies instead of allow them to do what they naturally do. Pain is a natural byproduct of resistance...the females are taught into shame about it [menstruation]. By the time we’re older it’s like everyone’s being discreet about that fact that you’re bleeding and when we start our period we’re like, ‘Oh crap...here it comes again.’ And that’s our attitude towards this. This cleanse period of our lives that happens every month. And the mentality that most women have towards that period of their lives is so horrible and it puts us at odds with being a woman. Because that is one of the things that makes us uniquely female. And if you have resistance to that then your life gets pretty hard because now you set yourself up because every month you know you’re gonna be rejecting your body in some way.
“It’s interesting to me that a woman’s cycle basically indicates a woman’s ability to foster new life and yet...we can embrace that fact that woman’s ability to create life with what considered period blood but at the same time it’s like we’re ‘Eww it’s disgusting!’ How are we gonna hold that dichotomy?
“And now it’s gotten even worse because now we’ve got these pills which suppress periods and it’s like, ‘Oh look! Good you don’t get pregnant’ Yeah, but you’re also messing your body. We’re suppressing women’s natural cycles. So instead of figuring out a way to embrace them we’re trying to get rid of them altogether. *sigh* *giggle* Seeing energy and being a medical intuitive, I can tell you that I’ve never, never once, seen a woman who is on debo (?) shots or anything else that suppresses periods for months at a time and seen their body in a state of health. It creates a cascade of issues. Because it’s almost like holding back energy. It’s an unnatural state to put your body in.”


Teal says that our bodies are not dumb, they’re not suicidal; therefore we should put utter trust to them and not destroy it through taking in harmful substances that we often think helps us. Today I’m having my monthly period and it’s like a baby – I only like it when the blood flows peacefully (like a sleeping baby) and I thoroughly hate it when by reproductive system hurts (like a crying baby). I cannot do anything productive – I just end up most of the time sleeping until the pain subsides. Dysmenorrhea feels like a mini-death to me, so I still take painkillers. It’s annoying, totally annoying – yet it comforts me to think that a painful menstruation is a signal from my body that I must forget everything and pay total attention to my body. The monthly menstruation is like a period wherein we have to treat ourselves like the queen we are. We have to be extra careful of our hygiene, to be always resting, to be treating ourselves hot chocolate, and to be locked up in a tower like Rapunzel and watch movies while eating. Saying that the monthly period is a “treat-yourself-like-a-queen” period is just a bit of a consolation when the truth is that most of us feel like we’re having a near-death experience whenever we have it. But now I’m taking steps for the betterment of my health like minimizing the intake of unhealthy food, doing liver flushes twice a month, drinking lots of water, exercising, and going for natural products. Because as Teal said, pain is a byproduct of resistance. Perhaps we still have some unresolved issues within our emotional self and at the same time our physical selves are unhealthy. And when we have overcome this monthly pain, perhaps we can say that we have gone a step up to women empowerment. J

References:

Kate Millett, Sexual Politics (Virago, London, 1977).

H. R. Rays, The Dangerous Sex, the Myth of the Feminine Evil (New York: Putnam, 1964).
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