Rainy Days & Pimples = Emotions???


I never really liked rainy days. And it rained and thundered just now. I woke up from my afternoon nap because of the weather chills. I looked at myself in front of my compact mirror right away and popped the angry red pimple on my left cheek. The pus was pushed outward and blood followed. Now I’m worried about the ugly scar that it will leave on my face. According to one of our new age psychics and spiritual leaders, Teal Swan, acne is caused by shame or unexpressed emotions on an energetic level. Of course there is no proof to that, given that most people in the world cannot see unseen things. But I kind of agree to that, since beauty starts from within – and whatever’s on the inside will show outwardly. Any negative thought will manifest mostly through our physical bodies. Pimples are negativities that weren’t allowed to be gotten out or expressed. That is why pimples look like struggling to get out of our faces. And they look ugly too.

And although popping and picking pimples have always been discouraged from all over, I have decided just last year that it is best to pop pimples – but only when they’re ready. It’s the same with emotions. We try to suppress our pimples through all of these oral drugs or things dabbed onto the zits, but the pus just remain there until they’re guided by our hands to come out. It’s just like emotions. Most people aren’t comfortable expressing their true emotions right away. It’s because we adhere to society’s standards that we have to be a certain way to get accepted or to be called “normal”. So I feel that the best way to express what we really feel is to express them when we’re ready. There are also some “denied” emotions or thoughts or beliefs but we undeniably got them in our being. Suppressing is never a good thing. It never is. But like popping a pimple, expressing emotions 24/7 is also apparently disapproved. As adults we have to be calm and composed to be respected so we resort to suppression. And as I have mentioned before, pimples are a manifestation of suppressed negative emotions/thoughts. When they’re popped or let out, they leave ugly scars, which we fear. But then scars are better than having pimples themselves. Moreover, what’s good is that scars eventually fade through time. So we never have to worry. Popping pimples and expressing emotions are definitely okay.

Just now I’m getting pissed off at the rain and loud thunders. But I thought that since water is associated with emotions, therefore the rain could symbolize complete expression of emotion. I also associate thunder with rage or anger, so that pretty much explains it. We hate rainy days because we hate dealing with our dark sides or negativities. Nobody wants to deal with anything ugly and horrifying. But we must do it for our own healing. Getting drenched in our shadow aspects and facing them means opening an opportunity for saving our inner children that got stuck in some kind of a traumatic past. I just remembered now that everything around us is a reflection of what is happening inside ourselves. We are inside the universe at the same time that the universe is inside us. I did not really get triggered today, I was not upset or really down in the dumps, but I was feeling down because I did not really did well in doing my thesis proposal. All the work that I have to do have been jam-packed into one week, which is next week. I do not really want to focus on these, so I keep on procrastinating. I distract myself through watching Tyra Banks Show in Youtube. But if you understand the law of attraction, you can tell that this “procrastination” or “distraction” is actually benefiting me. Like a young pimple, I am not yet ready to face what worries me right now. Wish me luck. 

Prophetic Dreams


There were already many instances wherein I dreamt of people in my lives and coincidentally, something happens (or recently have happened) to them. I guess the most important dream I had was when I found myself singing with my sad father inside his office and the people around us who were his officemates sang with us but then I noticed that it turned into a choir of angels. I called my family and asked if something was wrong with my father. They did not tell me at that time but I eventually found out that around the time that I dreamt of him was when he was summoned into a court for a wrongdoing that he did not do which was related to his work. It was a very challenging period for our family because my father almost lost his job and pension. Another dream was about a former suitor who was years younger than me. I dreamt that I was reading his palm and foretelling nonsense about what was going to happen to him. I texted him and asked if anything was up. He eventually told me that he was “wanted”, the police (?) was searching for him because of drugs. I did not believe it at first. But he was really a drug addict.

There are still many instances wherein my dreams foretell of something that’s not about me. Most of the time, what we dream are about ourselves: our inner voices, inner states, or subconscious. However, it’s weird that I dream of what’s happening to other people when I don’t even think about them especially before going to sleep. Just last night, I had a weird dream. I was with my literature classmates, Indira* and Benjamin*. We were walking to a dead end, and I was talking to them about just anything under the sun. When I looked back at them, I was just shocked because they were so sweet to each other. They were kissing and caressing each other, and I felt left out. Then I saw three preschoolers, one of which looked like a former classmate of my sister. She was telling a story and one of her nostrils became so big, probably half the size of her face. I was shouting about the strange sight to my companions, but they were so busy romancing each other. And just a few hours before, I told this dream to Indira.

At first I thought that telling this to her would just make her laugh because it doesn’t have anything to do with reality and it was so ridiculous to be true, but she just revealed that she actually hates Benjamin so much that she could have blocked him on Facebook. She was ranting about the things that she hates about the guy, that I suddenly felt that my dream has a direct connection to reality. I would like to think that dreams are the opposite of reality, but it could be a prediction of a budding romance between these two! (The more you hate the more you love!) When we were in our poetry class and this dream has been properly disseminated to our classmates, suddenly our professor (who did not know anything about it) decided that Indira and Benjamin should sit beside each other for today’s meeting. The whole class shrieked and laughed at the funny coincidence and from then on I realized that what’s meant to happen will really happen.

Just now, I was gratefully pondering about my intuitiveness – I just don’t trust my intuitions most of the time. Actually, everyone is intuitive; most people are just not aware of it. And to open our other senses, awareness is very important. Especially spotting synchronicities or coincidences. But then, there is no such thing as a coincidence. Everything that happens is meant to happen. I *could* be a medium for spotting hidden things or figuring things out; I just need more practice I guess. But today I am just so happy that I realized that I do not just dream for nothing. My dreams actually have something very important to tell me because dreams are messages from the spiritual realm. Scientists haven’t figured out why we dream yet, so it’s justifiable that these are indeed symbolic messages from the spirit world where words do not exist. This is one large step in the spiritual advancements that I’d like to achieve. Someday I’d like to open my third eye to understand other people and I’d also like to be an expert on OBEs (out of body experiences).

*Names have been changed.

Wearing Dresses


I used to hate dresses when I was little. Or I could have loved them enough to be my everyday wear, but my mother dressed me up in long shorts and jumpers. As our outfits influence our behaviour, I grew up being tomboyish in my manners. I did not restrain myself in any way bearing the idea of what a proper lady should be. I ran freely, slouched in chairs, and did not mind whether I sat with my legs open. Maybe it’s also because I never thought that I could look pretty in a dress. Or maybe my Mama never believed that I could pull off dresses. I had a shocking intensity of inferiority complex back then. My “modesty” just turned out to be like that.


I plan to have more dresses than jeans so I would have no choice but to wear them on all occasions. Jeans give me the feeling that I have something business-like to do (like going to classes – that’s why I think they’re perfect for school) so the feeling of femininity is obviously forgotten there. Wearing dresses, on the other hand, gives me the fresh feeling like I am starring in a feminine wash commercial. Especially when matched with pretty flats or heels, dresses really make us feel 100% woman. Besides making us feel very girly, they are very comfortable and fun to accessorize. Even the cheap dresses in tiangges already fit us so well. For girls, dresses are necessities now that it’s really hot.


The best thing that girls can love about dresses is that they’re so girly and sexy, that no other impression may be formed about you wearing them other than you’re a girly kind of woman. Automatically, we feel girly vibes from dresses that we start to move femininely and softly. For most of us who have dreamt of being one of those Disney princesses as children, dresses are perfect for making us look like princesses. I want to have a closet overflowing with lovely dresses – for a girl can never have too many dresses. We as girls feel more in alignment or truer to ourselves when we start to regain our feminine self in simple ways like wearing dresses.

Angel


I was lured to a path of that of an angel
here in the stupid depths of hell
with skin, hair, and face as a cherubim
and whose smiles give hints of heavenly essence
that light up this damned planet so dim.
Strange it is in her divine presence
she has no wings that flap
only ears that clap
to the sound of our hearts beating.
And if ever she has wings
I’d chop them off, you’ll see
to condemn her to a life on earth with me.
Trying to hold or hug to possess
this beauteous angel is indeed useless
for when I look in her eyes
and when she looks in my eyes
although we don’t converse
in rhetoric verse
said the universe
our hands perfectly fit
and our hearts just lit
for we are one soul that split.

A birthday poem for my twin sister/best friend, Angel.

Locks


I have locks that reach
and touch my feet
which waves can be sailed
by a thousand fleet;

Locks that can be plaited
or meticulously braided
with flowers adorned
or crowned with thorns.

Yet the same lovely locks
that reach my feet
are the same pesky locks
that give unbearable heat.

I am tempted to cut
but the world says, Do not!

For these silky locks
that beautify my head
are the same locks that make me
cry in my bed –

My most coveted locks
are the same wicked locks
that crush my body,
choke my throat,
and cover my mouth.

Mute


I spoke once but nobody heard;
I sang once but nobody listened.
Thus instead of a voice
what came out are tears
which will forever replace my voice, I fear.

If silence is indeed golden,
then I must have been
a golden statue
that has tarnished and blackened
through the quick steps of time
or a yellow doll held by a brute
that’s expected to talk
and be sharp like a hawk
but was stitched in the mouth to be mute. 

Red Ribbon


The pink ribbon that cuddled us
together, my friend
has been damaged and busted
through the passage of time.

It has borne unsightly holes
that are too large to mend
and its once sweet color
has already turned red.

The love and happiness
became anger and blood
that dripped from our hearts
that are once two in a pod.

Now this torn old ribbon
that has bound us together
is a mere rubbish memento
of our freedom from forever.

Pretty Boy


I haven’t listened to this song for a while. When I first listened to it when I was probably four or five years old, I already claimed it to be my favourite song. When I was eleven years old and I went crazy for Britney Spears, it was also the time when I went crazy for this song. It was also the first time when I went crazy for a boy (my first love, ever) and this song fuelled my fantasies for my puppy love. I loved repeating this song over and over again when I was eleven. When I was in my pink room, I’d fantasize about anything that I’d love to be and I’d love to have. Nowadays, listening to Pretty Boy by M2M would make me have nostalgia for my eleven-year-old self. My fantasies back then were so pure. And I really believed in true love, soul mates, and forever. When I looked into the picture of the M2M album, I felt a really strong desire to be like them. Marion and Marit were wearing simple teenage clothes, they lie on many pillows, and they were laughing. They really looked so pretty.


Back then, I really believed that I can get what I want. I always daydream, and I always look at M2M and Britney Spears in their teenage years. They were my role models. In most of their music videos, they were 17 or 18. But now I’m already 19 and turning 20. What have I become? Did I really become like them? I don’t know. But the feeling that arises in my being when I listen to Pretty Boy is not frustration or a feeling of failure. It’s the feeling of intense nostalgia, the feeling that I’d like to be eleven years old again. I’d love to be transported back to that time when I was still filled with pinkish and girly fantasies because those things make me happy. I get so lost in my daydreams back then, but now I couldn’t anymore. Looking back at my old pictures, I know I have changed. I’ve changed so much that probably my present self and my eleven-year-old self would quarrel if they meet. I am so enveloped with pessimism right now. All sorts of traumas and triggers keep coming into the surface. All my life I am sensitive, but I get passionate outbursts right now. I experience emotional instability but I was really a peaceful and calm little girl back then. I want to tell my eleven-year-old self to just wait, because I am on my way to being her dream girl. Just wait.



M2M disbanded after about four years, and it’s the saddest thing for the fans of M2M’s sweet girly songs. Marion and Marit have been best friends ever since they were five-year-olds, and it’s sad to witness them breaking up. They had to disband because the Atlantic Records said so, for their second album didn’t get much sales. Also, (according to rumors) Atlantic Records believed that Marion had more sex appeal so she’d do better going solo. They both talked about it and decided to separate. I also felt that they were growing apart while being together – they started thinking differently so they needed to go their separate ways. Marion wanted rock and Marit still wanted to be sweet. It’s a sad thing in friendships; I know because I’ve experienced that. Although growing apart is inevitable, resentments also are. We needed to go our separate ways because we can’t stand each other anymore and our differences get larger and larger as time goes by. Somehow I also relate this to my relationship with myself. I just can’t go back to my older self, although I regret that time passed by so quickly. But I think I changed for the better. At least I became better than thinking that I cannot do anything and that I am only limited to daydreams and fantasies. However, I lost my optimistic self and childlikeness because of going through a lot. I think I’m gonna listen to Pretty Boy and Britney Spears more often now because I want to save my happy and girly inner child.

Another Trigger


I always attract people who get scary when they are angry. And I always think (even oftentimes it may not be the case) that they’re angry at me, because I am pretty messy and disorganized. I just think all the time that they’re upset because of me and I don’t want that. I always blame myself for every negativity around me and I don’t know why. Some people have accused me of being a people-pleaser – but I don’t see myself that way – I just have this core belief that making people angry with me threatens my survival. There’s nothing in the world that can make me feel safer but a small group of very intimate friends who wholly accept me for who I am (so far only three people made it into my “close friends” list). Sorry but I’m really upset right now. I don’t even know if writing right now is also a way of running away from my feelings. I’m a pretty sensitive person; I always get upset at the shallowest reasons. People get upset at different things because each individual have very different kinds of childhood. I can get triggered by a simple gossip about me while you can’t. Teal Swan said that one specific thing cannot hurt you if there is no sore or wound that is already present in your being. Pondering on that statement, I realized that maybe I was hurt so much in my childhood that many things now in my adult life keep reminding me of those past traumas and that explains my extreme vulnerability.

To get in a space of healing, I will deal with my emotions and let it embrace me. What does this sadness feel like in my body? I feel heavy, like sinking into my bed, but the heaviest part of my body is my chest. It’s like something’s in there that cannot free itself. And when I feel that kind of heaviness, I become like a turtle hiding inside its shell. My heart beats not so fast, but the beating is so hard and loud that I can definitely notice it. The feeling looks like a not-so-ugly transparent blue giant that wants to lie on me until I get buried into the ground. I feel more anger rather than fear. I feel indignant.  It gets harder to breathe. The monster makes me wanna cry. It is crushing me. I am now grinding my teeth. I let the giant crush me. I crawl helplessly under the giant, trying to find my way out. Right now my head and wisdom tooth aches. My tooth angrily wants to get out. Wisdom tooth ache dominates my being. I feel calmer. I feel peaceful. Like I’m comforted by angels in a cloud of pillows. I feel comforted by a breezy feeling. Bit by bit, the pain in my wisdom tooth fades.

I am not sure when I will get triggered again, but the best thing to do at the present moment was to get into the feeling state. I felt better right away like a crying child who gets comforted by a parent and frolics into the garden again just five minutes later.  However, I still haven’t dug into the root of the issue. When was the last time I experienced that? When our dorm staff was probably sleepy or sad and I thought he particularly disliked me because of some gossip about me (my worrying does reach that far). When was the first time I experienced that? The image that comes into my mind was when my little sister and I fought when I was probably four or five years old, and our mother just snapped and stopped talking to us. I cried so much at that time. My little sister was forgiven right away while my Mama stubbornly won’t talk to me right away. She gave me the cold shoulder and that’s what made me cry louder. I get worried when people exhibit coldness around me or annoyance because it triggers me back to the time when my mother would get cold to me and just the thought that she does not love me anymore is traumatic. That was my mother whom I get much of my emotional security. But that fact that I am like this now may mean that I did not get much security from my mother. I attribute this insecurity to her. Thanks Ma. It may mean that she was so engrossed with taking care of my little sister that she forgot I was still there. I had a very bad relationship with my mother until last year and that was probably because of that. Her love for my little sister was called “unconditional love,” while her love for me was called “responsibility.”

Right now I’m angry. I am particularly angry at my mother. If she just did love me, if she just made her love for me at least equal to her love for my little sister, I’m sure I wouldn’t be like this, struggling with my self-esteem issues. Back then, there was no one to comfort me. You’re asking where my father was? He was probably somewhere drinking alcohol. I am not close to my father because he avoids the responsibility of taking care of us. I really couldn’t see him back then. So I transport myself mentally into the time when I was four or five years old and crying so much because my mother won’t forgive me. My present (adult) self went into the house and hugged little Thea. I told her, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. That is not your mother. You’ll see what I mean when you get older. She will never understand you, and you will receive a thousand criticisms for every compliment that she gives. She will be the cause of your insecurity issues that will peak at your adolescence and you’ll have a hard life.” I just hug her because her mother won’t hold her. Little Thea gets touchy (I mean very physical) when she shows affection, but her mother doesn’t like that. So I hug her tight. “How come she’s not my mother when she gave birth to me?” I gently reply to her, “She’s the mother of your little sister. But she doesn’t act like you are hers. Your mother doesn’t want you so don’t waste your time gaining her affection because it’s already directed at your little sister.” I confront little Thea’s mother and shout at her. “This is a four year old child!!! How dare you put traumas in her when you don’t even know how to comfort her?!! She will get adopted by other parents because you only make her suffer!” I carry little Thea into the orphanage when minutes later she gets adopted by very rich parents (like having a French baroque style of house with lots of golden sculptures and boudoirs) who cannot have children for ten years. They also adopt a boy who will be little Thea’s big brother, and who grows up handsome and able to protect little Thea from people who want to harm her.

Dropping into the Shadows


For a long time that I knew what shadow work is, I only practiced it now because I’m desperate to feel better. I’ve done all sorts of things to improve my state of health and happiness: liver flushes, shadow work, video tutorials, attempts to be a vegetarian, buying clothes and jewellery, and watching funny videos of children. Yesterday, I posted a very resentful post about someone who (I think) antagonizes my life. Some people would say that that kind of airing one’s dirty laundry is rather destructive especially to one’s own reputation, but that’s my only outlet for my pain and anger. Nobody is around me all the time these days to even listen to my sentiments. Luckily I’m not dropping into those states of hopelessness again, but these events that happen only mean that I am not over it yet. Anger, pain, and hatred are just a few of the human expressions and they’re quite normal so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with displaying them. These negative emotions need to be released and not suppressed, embraced and not rejected. Healing sometimes means dropping into our darkest and vilest shadows completely.

Last night, I drank an olive oil mixture for my liver flush session. I felt so nauseous that I sank into a deep sleep right away, and I woke up at 8 in the morning feeling really sick. I tried to ignore the feeling and assured myself that it will go away minute by minute, but my stomach just gave up. I threw up most of the oil mixture and some food residue and it was really terrible. It was what happened physically but could I have thrown up some negative emotions that have built up inside me? I don’t really know if it was a sign of the universe for some kind of an important message but I took it that way. Perhaps some things in our lives are already poisoning us and we just have to throw them up to feel better. Hours later, I went into the restroom four times to release my liver stones and gallstones, and I was surprised how big the last ones were (most of them were about two inches). I could have collected them and shown them to you but my camera is broken. I have read somewhere that when we feel negative emotions like anger, sadness, rejection, jealousy, and so on, they affect our internal organs and the pain that we feel internally during detoxifications are dormant negative emotions that are getting stirred up in an energetic level. Perhaps this liver flush can help me stabilize my emotions; because according to Andreas Moritz, angry people have clogged livers.

Before I got triggered yesterday, I was dealing with the feelings of shame, which is another problem of mine. I sank deep into the feeling of intense shame and asked myself when I last experienced it. It was during the druzhina incident. I asked myself when I first experienced it. I saw a very blurred memory of a child that pooped in her underwear in her classroom when she was four years old. She had been bullied out of saying anything so she became mute. Whenever she asked for help from her pre-school teacher, she purposely ignores her. Therefore, she became reluctant to ask for help and suppressed her stool from coming out because she believed that no one would help her anyway. That was a time of total shame for that child. Even when she got home, she got shamed for what happened. Her classmates back then continued to bully her and she was just four years old then. Not knowing how to stand up for herself, she kept mute and took all those childish insults. And as she grew up, she was very silent and not eager to make new friends. I suddenly saw the little child that I labelled as “Shame” crying and silently asking me for help. She held up her hands open as she saw me, sobbing, because I was the only one who would listen to her. I held her in my arms. She was the most ostracized child in the school. When I look into the girl’s face, I couldn’t even understand why she gets treated that way. She’s just a child; she’s completely helpless. She had a small and fragile bone structure, a thin body, and a short hair with bangs over her chubby face that looks serious and innocent every time. And I couldn’t understand why her parents weren’t there to protect her.

And after I saw Druzhina and my feelings of anger were brought into the surface, I sank into deep emotional states again. I couldn’t find an outlet for it, so I immediately typed my feelings away. But just hours ago I was triggered again by that incident, and I couldn’t help but do shadow work. I completely sank into the feeling. I asked myself, what does that feeling look like? And I saw ugly claws with long nails trying to hurt me and I keep dodging. I asked myself, when was the last time I felt that? The same incident comes into mind. When was the first time I felt that? I pictured myself being so sad – the saddest emotion that a child may feel – when I was sitting at the corner while my parents were carrying and playing with my little sister. Lots of scenarios came up actually, that I don’t know which one of them was first: I wanted to be carried too like my little sister but our caregivers judged me as “jealous” instead. My mother and father fought inside the room but they didn’t know that I was listening outside the door. My mother talked about divorcing and she wanted me to be in my father’s care because according to her, “Magsama kayo! Pareho lang kayo!” I didn’t know what that meant at that time, but I remember crying and begging my mother not to leave me. How could she judge a four or five-year-old little girl like that when she didn’t even know what she was doing? I tried to describe in adjectives what I felt. I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel like I don’t belong.

I was trying to find my negative imprint. They say that we cannot know white without black, and that it’s only during the darkness that we can see the stars. I tried to identify my negative imprints to figure out what my purpose in life could be. In the two instances that I have mentioned, my two negative imprints were SHAME and REJECTION. I looked into a thesaurus what their antonyms could be, and they are SELF-CONFIDENCE and ACCEPTANCE. Perhaps I opted into this life to know what self-confidence and acceptance are. After we have delved enough into the depths of the darkness, we can now shift our focus into the positives, because the darkness should not possess us or we would eventually become low-vibrational beings that emit toxic energy. The darkness or shadows are only guides. They are like the “questions” that will eventually lead us to the “answers” that we’ve all been asking for. Most of us experience a “pattern” of happenings that have the same theme or feels. These are the unhealed aspects of ourselves that usually happened in childhood and have been suppressed because we were taught that way. If we understand the law of attraction, we attract in our experiences our exact vibrations, even the vibrations that we have suppressed or we are not conscious of. This calls for the integration of our being. Healing doesn’t only happen in a physical level – most of the time, it is vibrational. Our illnesses or physical discomforts are only the physical manifestations of our negativities, because we had them long enough.


Druzhina


Just this afternoon I got triggered again. And I’m not gonna beat around the bush right now. Basically, I left my old boarding house because I find most of the people there toxic. I believe I’m pretty intuitive too, so I can sense people’s intentions or genuineness. Most of the people there have hidden agendas and are prone to backstabbing you even though they hug you constantly, and I’ve had enough of that crap. But really, I left my old boarding house because Druzhina* made me feel like I am responsible for her or for being with her when she wants to, but we’ve already broken our friendship in an energetic level. We both know that. We tried to salvage our friendship (or I thought so) but we just can’t. From the first time we interacted, we were already pretty incompatible and she’s made me taste her bitchiness from the first time we got together. She has this way of turning up a “gang” against you even if you’ve never really done something wrong and you just annoyed the crap out of her. I’ve always been sweet to her – I know it – but I’m fed up. There was a crisis that tested our friendship and instead of listening to me first (considering that we’re like the closest friends at that time), she and her “gang” teamed up on me and Ariana* (my twin) and my twin ended up crying. It was really mean of them. Especially HER. She’s a great listener but you never wanna get into her nerves. She forgets who she is and just becomes a horrible bitch. Or witch.

I called her a “druzhina” for a reason. They’re basically ancient Russian warriors who are very independent but serve princes. Eventually, they turned into the “boyars,” which are the Russian noblemen that actually did nothing but be traitors to the monarchy for their personal advantage. Druzhinas are far from friends – and if I’ve only known that earlier, then I could have saved myself from hurt and controversies. I don’t know but I kind of question her intellect right now. She knew very well what the reasons why I moved into a dormitory where I almost knew no one were and separated myself from the close friends that I had in the boarding house. It was mainly desperation! It was intense depression! She knew very well how hurt I was, and how my other friends turned away from me because of her. She knew very well that she wasn’t the only one that hurt – I was hurt more because at that time, other people turned their backs on me too while she had so much people that supported her. Nobody cared to listen to me. But I just wanna say, HOW SELFISH YOU ARE!!! You say you’re empathetic but you’re kind of wanting revenge right now. Your friends, or your “gang” who were my friends also earlier now ignores me or rolls their eyes when I’m around. You don’t know how terrible that alone makes me feel. And I kind of have to put up with that as long as I’m in the university because there’s no way I can avoid crossing your paths accidentally, and it just triggers me every time. I get reminded of those times when you completely ignored me and badmouthed me to people. I didn’t do that to you. Ever. Because I knew that you were my friend. But now I don’t know if you ever really did become my friend, because a friend is not a bitch in a wrathful way. You just reek of black energy and hatred that I don’t wanna be around you anymore. I really mean this, by the way.

Earlier, I went into the grocery store to buy some snacks and an orange fruit juice to be used for my liver flush session later. As I was eyeing for sweets and some food to indulge on, I suddenly ran into Hansel* and Korazon* who said that they missed me. While they were with me you ran into us and smiled at them and basically just denied my existence. I could see disgust in your face. I knew you very well to read your facial expressions. It was my first time being that close to you in four months and you are still airy (I mean mostly made up of the element of air). You also still have that trademark “black energy” that emanates from your being when you’re angry. You can’t be so soft. You just can’t. And you’re immovable once you’ve made up your mind on something. Unfortunately, I can be like that too. And I did all that I can to avoid you, since you’ve avoided me first. I know nothing good can come out of talking to you. And just that act of begging you for forgiveness when you’ve hurt me as well would just seem so phony. You’ve also dragged some people into your issue, and they’re angry at me as well as if I abused you in some way. You can just leave the issue behind and bury it beneath the ground, but you’ve made things more intense before it can be mended. And so, I was so anxious while paying the foods that I’ve bought and walked as fast as I can to get rid of you. You don’t know how hard my heart beat as I was on the tricycle, and on my way to my dormitory. I asked myself, “How did I make myself a match to his horrible event?” Because just like how you feel about me, of all people that I don’t want to see, it is you and your “friends”. And if I’d go by the teaching to always do actions that are self-loving, I’d always avoid you in every way I can because nothing comes out of seeing you but hurt, anger, and trauma.

Yes, trauma.


*Names have been changed. 

Blood Moon (04 April 2015)


Last night, I saw the full moon turn red and back to being lit again. I am not quite sure if that was my first time seeing a lunar eclipse but I knew deep inside that there’s something significant about that event. It’s like a sign of something; I’m just not sure what it is. But when I tried to Google its spiritual meaning hours later, something in me clicked and I was like, “Now I know.”

These past few weeks, I’ve been really really sad. I know that I decided to be alone for good, but solitude (I’m gonna have a separate post on this one) just brings out all the dormant issues within my being and I get tortured by nostalgia. I focused on what I lacked, the relationships that I never had, the times I wasted, and how foolish I was before. And just this week, I think I’ve severed ties with some girls that I thought were my friends. I learned from that specific event just how selfish people are to the point where most of them don’t live for true friendship. I got so angry and so upset that my skull reared its ugly horns and I’ve bluntly shown my disappointment to a friend for the first time. Before, I was really afraid of making people angry at me because losing friends would make me feel like the world is against me. But I was wrong. Sometimes we need to lose some things because it’s only when we have “voids” that the universe fills them with better things.

I found out that when there is a lunar eclipse, it’s a time for the domination of the “dark” forces – ghosts are everywhere, our departed ancestors would visit us, the witches are more powerful, etc. I am not quite sure whether they’re worthy of believing, but some websites also said that this is a perfect time for meditation and spiritual practices. But we are not to travel so often three days before or after the lunar eclipse because the dark forces are dominant at this period of time. It is better to slow things down and relax. Light meals are advised because the digestive system gets slower. It’s just not the time to do things impulsively – because the most important thing that the lunar eclipse brings is the “heightening of emotions” and relationships might be tested for the moon is in the sign of Libra right now. Last night I also got really really angry with my boyfriend that I threatened to leave him – and I mean it, by the way. These past few days are just so intense for me that my relationships with people are so affected. I also wondered what was wrong with me, but I guess it’s just the fact that I am influenced by the moon more than anything. My natal moon is in the sign of Cancer, the ruler of the moon, so I think that these mood swings are natural for me. The lunar eclipse just made it more intense to the nth power.

But right now, remembering the friendships that I have broken, the papers that need to be passed, the thesis proposal that needs to be done, and the novel that needs to be read quickly, I just can’t seem to relax. I’ve done a lot of ways to pamper myself – bathing with natural products, putting on oils all over my body, putting off exercise, and drinking lots of yogurt, but the “things that need to be done” just literally destroys me. I also feel more alone than I did years before – so basically, I have this feeling or need that I have to fend for myself. In fact, I’ve got a migraine right now. And thanks to you, blood moon. Things have gone way more intense. 

The Menstrual Cycle


Kate Millett, in her book “Sexual Politics,” describes how the event of menstruation has been demonized by patriarchy from ages ago:

“One anthropologist refers to a consistent patriarchal stain of assumption that ‘woman’s biological difference set her apart...she is essentially inferior (Rays, 1964).’ The feeling that woman’s sexual functions are impure is both worldwide and persistent. The event of menstruation, for example, is a largely clandestine affair, and the psycho-social effect of a stigma attached must have great effect on the female ego. There is a large anthropological literature on menstrual taboo; the practice of isolating offenders in huts at the edge of the village occurs throughout the primitive world. Contemporary slang denominates menstruation as the ‘the curse.’ There is considerable evidence that such discomfort as women suffer during their period is often likely to be psychosomatic, rather than physiological, cultural rather than biological, in origin.”

And while it is reasonable to “blame” patriarchy for the “inferiority” of women that they have imposed on society, and especially upon the psyches of the women themselves, women must not forget the utter truth that they are goddesses representing the divine feminine essence of the universe, instead of a “mistake” created by God. My period was delayed for a week, and only now have I experienced this kind of cleansing in my body. Having regular menstruation (meaning monthy) is the natural state for a woman, and with those women who are having irregular menstruation, there must be something wrong that’s going on in their bodies. Sometimes it is caused by stress, unhealthy lifestyle, or contraceptives (most pills inhibit the body in particular ways). Personally, whenever my period gets delayed for a week, two weeks, or even a month, I panic! And most women, whether they’re sexually active or not, automatically think that they’re pregnant when their period comes later than expected. I always believe that’s the case, that sometimes I get so superstitious to the degree that an “engkanto” or spirit has impregnated me. People are just fond of scaring others, you know, that most of the time we adopt these scary thoughts throughout our lives. We get warning signals all around when our periods are delayed that the first monthly blood stain on our undies is a relief. It’s also strange how women nearly before the time of their menstruation get emotional ups and downs, pimples *glare*, and a heightened sex drive. We are very changeable, like the moon changes its phases for a few days.


Teal Swan, in her fourth interview in Dwaine Hartman’s Inner Balance TV [Youtubelink] which is about the divine feminine and the divine masculine, talked a great deal about the women’s menstrual cycle:
“Women from a very early age are taught to make an enemy of their bodies. We fight our bodies instead of allow them to do what they naturally do. Pain is a natural byproduct of resistance...the females are taught into shame about it [menstruation]. By the time we’re older it’s like everyone’s being discreet about that fact that you’re bleeding and when we start our period we’re like, ‘Oh crap...here it comes again.’ And that’s our attitude towards this. This cleanse period of our lives that happens every month. And the mentality that most women have towards that period of their lives is so horrible and it puts us at odds with being a woman. Because that is one of the things that makes us uniquely female. And if you have resistance to that then your life gets pretty hard because now you set yourself up because every month you know you’re gonna be rejecting your body in some way.
“It’s interesting to me that a woman’s cycle basically indicates a woman’s ability to foster new life and yet...we can embrace that fact that woman’s ability to create life with what considered period blood but at the same time it’s like we’re ‘Eww it’s disgusting!’ How are we gonna hold that dichotomy?
“And now it’s gotten even worse because now we’ve got these pills which suppress periods and it’s like, ‘Oh look! Good you don’t get pregnant’ Yeah, but you’re also messing your body. We’re suppressing women’s natural cycles. So instead of figuring out a way to embrace them we’re trying to get rid of them altogether. *sigh* *giggle* Seeing energy and being a medical intuitive, I can tell you that I’ve never, never once, seen a woman who is on debo (?) shots or anything else that suppresses periods for months at a time and seen their body in a state of health. It creates a cascade of issues. Because it’s almost like holding back energy. It’s an unnatural state to put your body in.”


Teal says that our bodies are not dumb, they’re not suicidal; therefore we should put utter trust to them and not destroy it through taking in harmful substances that we often think helps us. Today I’m having my monthly period and it’s like a baby – I only like it when the blood flows peacefully (like a sleeping baby) and I thoroughly hate it when by reproductive system hurts (like a crying baby). I cannot do anything productive – I just end up most of the time sleeping until the pain subsides. Dysmenorrhea feels like a mini-death to me, so I still take painkillers. It’s annoying, totally annoying – yet it comforts me to think that a painful menstruation is a signal from my body that I must forget everything and pay total attention to my body. The monthly menstruation is like a period wherein we have to treat ourselves like the queen we are. We have to be extra careful of our hygiene, to be always resting, to be treating ourselves hot chocolate, and to be locked up in a tower like Rapunzel and watch movies while eating. Saying that the monthly period is a “treat-yourself-like-a-queen” period is just a bit of a consolation when the truth is that most of us feel like we’re having a near-death experience whenever we have it. But now I’m taking steps for the betterment of my health like minimizing the intake of unhealthy food, doing liver flushes twice a month, drinking lots of water, exercising, and going for natural products. Because as Teal said, pain is a byproduct of resistance. Perhaps we still have some unresolved issues within our emotional self and at the same time our physical selves are unhealthy. And when we have overcome this monthly pain, perhaps we can say that we have gone a step up to women empowerment. J

References:

Kate Millett, Sexual Politics (Virago, London, 1977).

H. R. Rays, The Dangerous Sex, the Myth of the Feminine Evil (New York: Putnam, 1964).
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