Nostalgia for Summer Breaks

I am particularly sad today because most of the people I know are already taking their final exams and are only a few days away from the highly-anticipated summer break. Meanwhile, my schoolmates and I are still doomed to academic stress for two months more before having the official chance to go back to our hometowns and rest our brains from the almost impossible demands of the university. I tried suppressing my feelings of melancholy and nostalgia by concentrating on reading the book of feminist theories but the sadness from my intestines keeps bothering me. This is supposed to be the week of our final exams. Hours ago I expelled some of my liver stones and gallstones (3rd attempt) so I should be happy yet I feel terribly sad. Terribly, terribly sad.

I am especially nostalgic about my memories from when I was still a freshman. You’d never imagine how much hatred and gossips people had about me (that was probably my theme for the year 2012), but I got over it by focusing on improving myself and keeping my distance from people. My bed was near the window, so I’d always look out the window whenever I feel the desire to go home. And when the time of my departure came, no one could surpass my happiness. I was the last one among my roommates to go home, so I had the chance to feel the whole room and thank it for helping me become who I was then. I had a transformation from being a Plain Jane – and that was very important for me because I’ve noticed that people bully you more when they see you as ugly (and therefore inferior). When I went back to Palawan, people received me with so much affection and compliments that I felt like a celebrity – not a celebrity seen as highly as Britney Spears, but just someone who had people’s respect and affection. And most of the time, I had so much good time in my summer breaks the moment I got to college.

However, I’m not so sure about my summer break this time. I guess I still have lots of internal conflicts to solve before I have a good time. My recent Christmas break was not so great because I was suppressing my dormant self-esteem issues that are coming into the surface. Because the way I see it, getting back together with your high school classmates feels like a contest of showing off your improvements. I don’t really know. My mind is a mess right now. And despite of working on my health and spirituality from the start of this year, I still have lots of issues cropping up into the surface. My idea of a summer break is the breeze, nature, and 2002 hit songs (like Westlife songs) playing in the background. And although it was my decision to be alone this semester so as to avoid being hurt again, never in my life have I felt so much alone. I feel like I need my family and the trees in our home right now.

I feel so nostalgic about my summer breaks for the past two years, but will it still be the same? Probably not. I’m never the same person each time I go back. I change – either positively or negatively. When I think about it, maybe I still need two more months to transform and get into a better state to face these people. But I’m feeling a need to get back to my former state; because before I got a boyfriend, I was treated like a star in my hometown. I felt like I was always connected to my higher self during summer breaks because there was never a moment where I wasn’t happy – except perhaps for family issues. And while I am writing this, I just had an intense and burning desire for actions towards better change and a happy summer break. Now I suddenly had a purpose for exercising, taking baths, writing, and studying. 


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