A Dream and a Trigger

My alarm woke me up for my 7 A.M. class, but I was too stubborn to not go because I couldn’t make sense out of that History1 class wherein our professor just keeps talking about the latest news and rants about the folly of religious people – and although I fucking hate overly objective classes with no practical application to real life, I couldn’t learn anything at all in his class. I guess I’m gonna let him drop me. And I don’t care. Several years of going back to college doesn’t mean that you’re a failure.

Going back to sleep, I had a very vivid dream that *Adolf always went near me, and always kissed me. And we kissed like we’re so hungry of each other. Then suddenly, people started getting jealous of our relationship. We actually didn’t have a definition of our relationship because he was very hesitant to commit right into it. But I was so happy with him. But then he started showing me people’s comments online about me. Things like:

 “Maganda ba talaga si Thea? For real?”

“Ewan ko, hindi naman ako si Sir Jurilla eh.” à Sir Jurilla is a photographer; statement suggests that my beauty is photoshopped.

“Ewan ko lang ha, pero mukhang hindi naman talaga.”

It was such a long list of mean comments and posts that hurt, and I was begging Adolf to defend me from those hateful people. I knew that it was a very long dream, but this part really hit me so bad. This part was the one I really remembered after waking up. Then I realized that I always think that people scorn me. But I think that naturally happens when jealous people around have always tried to criticize everything out of you when you’re not even doing anything to them. And I guess this has been the struggle of my whole life. I just attract people’s [extreme] criticisms and I always get hurt, since I was a child and until now. And that’s where I contracted this terminal illness called low self-esteem/ no self worth/ no self-confidence. And just these days I’m so irritated with two women workers in this dormitory because they always seem to communicate secretly when I’m around, giving me the impression that I have been the subject of their conversations. Their eyes always observe me, and when I get near them I get pissed off at their laughing eyes located at their horribly ugly and unhealthy faces.

Several minutes after I woke up from the dream, I examined myself whether I really think that I’m ugly. Yet the answer is no. I don’t know what goes on in my subconscious mind, but I really got the answer that I actually think that I’m pretty. Then I was suddenly flooded with memories of people’s compliments of my beauty, especially the recent ones. The most touching one was from my mother – because that was the first and only time she saw me as pretty for we were enemies for a very long time. I forgot the fact that I was actually being complimented a lot nowadays. Yet this core belief that people always scorn me and criticize me kept going into the surface especially in this time when I thought I am already past this insecurity. But do I really believe in myself? Do I really believe I’m beautiful? Probably not. Or else these events wouldn’t even occur to haunt me. Maybe that’s also the reason why seeing confident, beautiful, and charismatic women makes my blood boil. It’s because my heart is aware that I can never have their self-confidence and 100% acceptance of themselves. Looking at my past, it’s understandable why I don’t have that. And I’m really jealous of those women because of that.

And to conclude, I wanna share my autograph with a famous Filipina poet named Marjorie Evasco:

For Thea,
            Whose Greek name is of a god’s: dream your world into being. And always be beautiful inside.
Marj Evasco

*Name has been changed. 


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