Compliments of Beauty


Today, I am a match to being consecutively told that I am beautiful, the way I carry my clothes is beautiful, my college course (AB in Literature) is beautiful, and my hair is beautiful. I am aware that I am very insecure regarding my identity and looks, and just recently (I guess for the past few days or weeks) I suffered greatly from not accepting that I get jealous of a friend and an acquaintance because of their beauty and charm. I suffered because just accepting the fact that you feel envy especially for the people that you know is embarrassing in my perspective. And so, to protect myself from those negative emotions again, I avoided get-togethers for a little while. I don’t wanna be competing with other girls again. I need time to be me. I need time to find myself and completely accept me. My winter vacation is mostly consumed by watching Teal Swan videos and interviews. I have been feeling helpless that I now seek the teachings regarding how the third dimension in this vast universe works.

Knowing myself, I know that I greatly value beauty. I want to be a work of art. I want beautiful things. I want people’s adoration and admiration. Sorry, but that’s the way I am. And that’s the last time I’m gonna be apologizing for my identity. I am not ashamed that I am a sucker for people’s admirations especially about my beauty because that’s who I am especially since when I was little. I’ve been admiring women in their twenties who have very beautiful faces and bodies. And I knew deep in my heart that I desire to be one of them. And that’s also the reason why I became addicted to Britney Spears since the age of ten. I also loved M2M and how they portray teenage freedom, beauty, and carefreeness. I knew that I wanted to be them – long-haired, pretty, tall, sexy, and happy. But sometimes in the midst of admiring our idols, we also have to look at ourselves and take time to appreciate. We have been created differently, so we are meant to create a different reality. And today is a special day because people have been appreciating me.

Today, I went into the hospital to visit my father. As usual, I have been feeling a little insecure regarding my looks. I felt like I became thinner, my clothes were too simple (and not sexy as usual), and my hair was not pretty enough (I cut it shorter). But I disregarded by insecurity for a little while, I guess. I don’t know what I was focusing on, but I was a bit surprised to be complimented of nice things about me that I probably have forgotten. It was by my mother (who praised me very little in my childhood) and by a pretty woman I met at the hospital. The psychics I have consulted have told me that people find me attractive over and over again, but my insecurity still strikes. I guess I still need that constant reminder and admiration. I cannot rely on myself to praise myself. But the fact that I am a match to compliments of beauty today posed questions in my mind: Have I been treating myself better? Have I cultivated inner beauty?

My physical appearance, clothes, and career are what usually occupy the mind of a teenager like me, so I guess that is one synchronicity! I guess the universe is telling me (through them) that I am on the right track, that I am in the right direction of my desires. These are small things but they greatly impacted me. That throughout the time that I have always been insecure and suffering from envy, I was not able to see my own beauty. I have always been looking outward that I forgot to look inward. I have a distorted view of myself when I am actually a precious jewel. Actually I still don’t believe it now. I still need a tangible evidence to actually believe – but I guess the more I appreciate myself, bit by bit the evidence will show. But now I am just so happy to be reminded of my beauty. :)

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