Deadly Envy

It took me about two years and a half to really admit that I am indeed envious of her. Because it takes so much pain, hard lessons, and such a hard bang on the head to be to be very self-aware, especially of the demons that you contain inside of you. It also takes so much courage to accept your own dark side when society (esp. religious) deems it unacceptable and worthy of hell. Yet this is me. I am made of up of complex parts whether people would point out which is black or white. But this envy isn’t caused by wrath, lust, or whatever. My intense envy from her stems from my own feeling of hopelessness, that I could ever become a great thing or that I deserve love from anyone. It started from the way I was raised at home. It started from the self-abandonment that resulted from it. And I either had to face these demons and heal them or ignore them and have them pestering me all my life.

When we are envious of someone, we don’t have to destroy them, take them down from their current level, treat them badly or ruin their reputation – because the problem is in ourselves, not in them. But take note that that envy is sending us a message from our inner core. Our envy is a sign. Perhaps through that we may become aware of our desires, deep desires, and that leads us to discovering what our true purpose in life is. And envy is an indicator of what we lack that we see in others – and that leads us to work on our deficiencies in order to feel whole and happy. Envy feels bad, but when you look at the big picture, it is a good thing. Because in my case, she became my inspiration to be better. Now that I have truly admitted that I am envious of her, I no longer have this subconscious uneasiness when I’m around her because I finally know that it’s just the green-eyed monster in me. And she’s such a great inspiration because in order to defeat my inner green-eyed monster, I must do anything in my power to either be equal to her, or be even greater. That way I’ll gain enough self-confidence to think that my efforts to become like her were a folly – and that I am great enough in my own way.

I envy her so much – but not to the point that I envy her whole being and existence. I love her self-confidence. I love her bravery. I love how she is so physically attractive, likeable, and sexually appealing. I love her fashion choices. I love her face, I love her body. I love her wealthy and comfortable life. I love how she gets what she wants without any efforts. I love how she lives a magical life which apparently has no suffering. I love how many people are there for her. Yet I have many good points that she lacks. For God is so fair. She doesn’t have my artistic side. She doesn’t have my singing, dancing, and acting talents. She cannot write creatively as I do. She doesn’t think like a poet or a hopeless romantic like I do. She doesn’t experience as much suffering as I learn from. She isn’t exposed to the harsh reality of life as I am. She doesn’t have to struggle that much. Everything is pretty much provided for her – while I am very lucky to be given a chance to find my own way up. My life is filled with so much excitement and challenges that I only interpreted as suffering. She doesn’t have these inner negativities that I learn from. And I am very self-aware ever since my early teen years, when I started journaling and watching my own thoughts flow. The world looks at her as an ideal of perfection, but we all know that she is not. Not yet. And I work behind the scenes to copy and learn from her as much as possible, to add her admirable traits to mine.

When you don’t recognize your envy or admit that you actually experience it with a certain person, it kills you. Your subconscious mind makes you do ugly things in your resistance to it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve avoided that girl ever since I’ve felt something peculiar about her, only to find that feeling get worse and worse every time we meet. I was filled with prejudice, and I only found bad things to dislike about her to justify this bad feeling that I did not know was envy. And as I have mentioned earlier, it took me a long time to finally accept this envy. It freed me from much of the negativities in my body. Because contrary to popular belief, accepting that you are indeed envious is not equivalent to accepting defeat. You do not lose by feeling your green-eyed monster in the depths of your soul, because humans are supposed to feel human emotions, whether we label them as good or bad. It is, in fact, a helpful indication. Setting your insecurities aside, it pushes you to self-improvement. It pushes you to think of yourself first. Because in the way I see it, living on this earth is a constant quest for self-awareness and self-improvement. Envy only kills you when you try to ignore it.  It tortures you until you finally recognize it. Because these feelings, whether they may be positive or negative, have something to tell us. These “feelings” are our keenest “sixth sense” to receive messages from the universe. 


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