Deadly Envy

It took me about two years and a half to really admit that I am indeed envious of her. Because it takes so much pain, hard lessons, and such a hard bang on the head to be to be very self-aware, especially of the demons that you contain inside of you. It also takes so much courage to accept your own dark side when society (esp. religious) deems it unacceptable and worthy of hell. Yet this is me. I am made of up of complex parts whether people would point out which is black or white. But this envy isn’t caused by wrath, lust, or whatever. My intense envy from her stems from my own feeling of hopelessness, that I could ever become a great thing or that I deserve love from anyone. It started from the way I was raised at home. It started from the self-abandonment that resulted from it. And I either had to face these demons and heal them or ignore them and have them pestering me all my life.

When we are envious of someone, we don’t have to destroy them, take them down from their current level, treat them badly or ruin their reputation – because the problem is in ourselves, not in them. But take note that that envy is sending us a message from our inner core. Our envy is a sign. Perhaps through that we may become aware of our desires, deep desires, and that leads us to discovering what our true purpose in life is. And envy is an indicator of what we lack that we see in others – and that leads us to work on our deficiencies in order to feel whole and happy. Envy feels bad, but when you look at the big picture, it is a good thing. Because in my case, she became my inspiration to be better. Now that I have truly admitted that I am envious of her, I no longer have this subconscious uneasiness when I’m around her because I finally know that it’s just the green-eyed monster in me. And she’s such a great inspiration because in order to defeat my inner green-eyed monster, I must do anything in my power to either be equal to her, or be even greater. That way I’ll gain enough self-confidence to think that my efforts to become like her were a folly – and that I am great enough in my own way.

I envy her so much – but not to the point that I envy her whole being and existence. I love her self-confidence. I love her bravery. I love how she is so physically attractive, likeable, and sexually appealing. I love her fashion choices. I love her face, I love her body. I love her wealthy and comfortable life. I love how she gets what she wants without any efforts. I love how she lives a magical life which apparently has no suffering. I love how many people are there for her. Yet I have many good points that she lacks. For God is so fair. She doesn’t have my artistic side. She doesn’t have my singing, dancing, and acting talents. She cannot write creatively as I do. She doesn’t think like a poet or a hopeless romantic like I do. She doesn’t experience as much suffering as I learn from. She isn’t exposed to the harsh reality of life as I am. She doesn’t have to struggle that much. Everything is pretty much provided for her – while I am very lucky to be given a chance to find my own way up. My life is filled with so much excitement and challenges that I only interpreted as suffering. She doesn’t have these inner negativities that I learn from. And I am very self-aware ever since my early teen years, when I started journaling and watching my own thoughts flow. The world looks at her as an ideal of perfection, but we all know that she is not. Not yet. And I work behind the scenes to copy and learn from her as much as possible, to add her admirable traits to mine.

When you don’t recognize your envy or admit that you actually experience it with a certain person, it kills you. Your subconscious mind makes you do ugly things in your resistance to it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve avoided that girl ever since I’ve felt something peculiar about her, only to find that feeling get worse and worse every time we meet. I was filled with prejudice, and I only found bad things to dislike about her to justify this bad feeling that I did not know was envy. And as I have mentioned earlier, it took me a long time to finally accept this envy. It freed me from much of the negativities in my body. Because contrary to popular belief, accepting that you are indeed envious is not equivalent to accepting defeat. You do not lose by feeling your green-eyed monster in the depths of your soul, because humans are supposed to feel human emotions, whether we label them as good or bad. It is, in fact, a helpful indication. Setting your insecurities aside, it pushes you to self-improvement. It pushes you to think of yourself first. Because in the way I see it, living on this earth is a constant quest for self-awareness and self-improvement. Envy only kills you when you try to ignore it.  It tortures you until you finally recognize it. Because these feelings, whether they may be positive or negative, have something to tell us. These “feelings” are our keenest “sixth sense” to receive messages from the universe. 

For a Newly Improved Girl

1. Beautiful Long Hair with no Split Ends

2. Healthy Body

3. Clear Face

4. An "Acceptable" Height

5. More than 8 Hours of Sleep

6. Gallons of Water Daily

7. Bathing Twice a Day

8. Exercise

9. Mental Nourishment

10. A Bit of Rebellion

A Provoked Phoenix

For people who are too passive, docile, and don’t know in which direction they should lead their lives – sometimes getting provoked is the best way to get them into action. For a long time I didn’t give a shit about people who always criticize me, ruin my reputation, or always let me down, but I guess now is the right time to fight back. No, I don’t mean to cause violent commotion – but I think I should now take action to help myself now. I can’t take it anymore, so I’m fighting back. If the people around me are constantly causing me to feel bad about myself and are always getting me to delve into the lowest vibrations of hopelessness, then perhaps it’s time to just think about myself and not bother pleasing anyone anymore. Someone just poked me into feeling very bitter, that I suddenly became inspired to become better.

Majority of the human population say that the key to happiness is to accept yourself and not bother about what other people think. However, there are times when we shouldn’t just accept ourselves the way we are now because that means having to stay in the current level that we are in. Isn’t it amazing how jealousy, envy, anger, indignation, and grief spur us to grow enormously or transform into better creatures? Why, it isn’t wrong to be pushed into action by negative feelings because it is the only way to move on when we’re in a bottomless pit of negativity for a long time. Certainly the best way to be successful is to take action from a feeling of inspiration, positivity and hope; but hurt people definitely cannot do that. I cannot be inspired when I’m wounded and afflicted. It’s more like I am plotting revenge against no particular person. I am plotting revenge against life who is my enemy. And I’m going to make life my poor little servant.

I always make little lists of resolutions to be followed for my own betterment, but I don’t really follow them. I always make lists of the things I’m grateful for, yet I still feel grave discontentment. I always make lists of what I like about myself, yet I still suffer from self-deprecation and a low self-esteem. It seems like I always fail to elevate myself into a high spiritual, intellectual, and physical state. But like I’ve said earlier, I’ve already had enough. Another year is already approaching, so the earth must prepare for a new me. Yes, I will totally transform myself. And when I say “transform,” what I mean is that I will be unrecognizable, I will be a hundred times healthier, and I will be a thousand times more successful. And the best way to do this is to go far, far away, hide myself for a little while, and focus on what makes me happy. It’s now time to be very selfish.

This time, I am determined to move away from the negative people who are jealous and are doing me harm. Staying in this hellish space would only deteriorate my physical, mental, and psychological health; and having little problems about some silly demons would only hinder my growth. Because you see, I have been burnt and defeated for the last few years that I am now determined to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Excruciating injuries from common rocks made me realize that I am a diamond in the rough. I wouldn’t settle for anything third-rate now, you know. My soul is burning with so much wrath that it aches for vengeance. But I have heard from someone I don’t remember that even if we don’t do anything, the universe will just bestow bad karma to the people who deserve it. I don’t want to exact vengeance that is very awesome to behold, so I will just take care of myself, improve my life, and just basically become a much better woman so I could just rise above the situation to the point that I will be too great to even think about them.

But it’s all thanks to several years of pain and suffering that I’m going to move forward. No one should be looking down on me anymore. No one should be destroying me anymore. Because I don’t care about pleasing anyone anymore. And yet it isn’t necessary for anyone to know my plans. But it’s enough for them to know that since then, I am ever-changing, and ever-evolving. You can’t blame me for having a great loathing for those people – because when people destroy me, they really destroy me. And I always get destroyed, defeated. I always cry, and I always gain a bad reputation. So for now – at least for now – holding on to the grave inner pain that was engraved upon my heart would be my source of inspiration. I still have not gotten out of a spiral of negativity, but I promise to the whole universe that I am certainly a phoenix who will rise from the ashes. 
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