Lost Friendships, Lasting Friendships

I only understood what “friendship over” really meant when I started going to college. I wasn’t really the war freak type of girl, but Cancer Moon’s great influence on my being caused me to be moody and sensitive to my surroundings, and very vulnerable in friendships and romantic relationships. Some people just like to hurt you in every way – and my only response to those kinds of situations is to sulk and walk away. It’s normal to get hurt, but the perpetrators usually have the same or greater reaction: they get angry at me too and get revenge as if it was me who has done them wrong. And that’s how I get enemies. Sometimes I can’t help but think that they’re jealous of me in some way, because I really am sensitive to the feelings of other people that I am careful of hurting them. But what makes me rather proud is that it seems like the gods have filtered the bad people and prevents them from coming deeper into my life – even in a harsh way such as making them my enemies. Because every enemy I make, if only they were a book, gets a lot of bad reviews from people.

I have also noticed in myself that I never settle for shallow relationships – it’s either we dive deep or I don’t go with you at all. Perhaps it’s because I believe that my trust is sacred, that I’d get utterly destroyed once it has been broken. I have also noticed that every time I have a close friend, there never comes a time where our friendship gets tested. During that “Great Test” which only fate schedules in my life, some kind of an incident tries whether it’s “friendship over” or “friends forever.” It’s always black and white for me. I actually find it interesting. I understand that not all friendships need to be deep, but I really am not the type of person who you shouldn’t only be with in times of joy – I must be with a friend who keeps me company even when drowned in misery. I want friends, or even just one friend, who is willing to drown with me in a lake of fire.

I once had a fight with Desry, a very close friend, when I was still new in the boarding house that I currently live in. Out of the blue I just said that I really like her to be my friend – maybe because I just easily sense good vibes from good people – but that I have a tendency to be clingy. It freaked her out; and she got into a bad mood until a few hours later but she didn’t also know why. Or maybe she didn’t just wanna say why. Later that night, our group of friends went into an OPM Night where people play slow romantic Tagalog songs. I was singing to her face when she just later burst into anger. She blurted out that she hated pink, girly girls, crybabies, and any quality that I had. I was stunned by her sudden outburst that for a minute I didn’t know how to react. I stormed out of the event and I reached my room crying. I cried for about an hour. She also didn’t know what to do, and asked helped from our friends. A little later she came up to me and apologized. We both cried and she even admitted her deepest fears and sorrows to me. After that night, she suddenly had a feeling of responsibility towards me, that she must protect me from anything. We were always together from then on. Now she treats me as her best friend that her close friends here sometimes get jealous of me. That’s one story of how I got a “friend forever”.

I also have one close friend whom I treated as my own sister because we tend to agree about every single thing, and partly because she’s so cute and we were always mistaken as twins. I treasured her the most, in my opinion, but after about a year someone tried to rob her from me. And she didn’t do anything – she just let herself be carried away by that girl, even if it means hurting me. Then she started ignoring me bit by bit, and I cried for days because I wasn’t used to that sudden change. I was like a little girl trying to run away from everything at that time, I was so confused, I was far away from my usual self, and they just started to annoy the crap out of me and my roommates. Like they weren’t satisfied of hurting me and shooing me away; they also wanted to let everyone know how happy they are and how miserable I am. I had a justifiable anger. But they don’t. I could feel their wrath for me by just feeling their mere presence. And that’s the hardest thing for me ever: making my very best friend my enemy because she treats me like one. It hurts that your former best friend now feels like cursing you. It hurts that almost every day you hope for that person to come back to you but it won’t. But time decides on everything. Sometimes time itself does the cracks on your friendship and makes it irreparable – but if time has already decided, we can do nothing but to accept what happened. Some people aren’t just meant to remain in your life, and not every friendly face is meant to be your true friend.

Lately, times have been tough for me; but the people who really wanted my company started to show bit by bit. Not all of them know what happened, but they still express concern for me. I was touched because that incident made me think that I was a bad person, but there are still people who won’t leave you in the pit of suffering no matter what. There are still people who love every bit of your quirks and imperfections and are proud of being with you. They try to understand your mood swings. Because these people love you no matter what, even if they can only show it by arguing with you. They quarrel with you, pull your hair, say hurtful things at your face, but they still won’t leave your side. Because of that incident, I finally learned what true friends really are.

We shouldn’t be scared of being left alone, because the only true friend that we need is ourselves. It’s best to love ourselves first. It’s better than just giving all of yourself to people then being left empty-handed when they leave you. And almost everyone is busy taking care of themselves too. Having enemies is not actually a bad thing; sometimes it just means that we can stand up for ourselves and we do not let other people control and manipulate us to satisfy their own desires. Having enemies means that you just won’t accept things as they are, especially when someone is already stepping on your toes. It means that you are real; it means that you can’t afford to smile when it’s really anger and pain that demands to be felt at that time. Sometimes we also have to be selfish enough to remove ourselves away from the people who only does us harm – and just seek the company of your true friends who are as real as you are. 
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