Daughter: A Mother's Own Reflection

My deep wounds from childhood were really caused by my mother. My mother has been a big part of my life no matter how hardly I tried to avoid her influence. The same goes for my sister. All my life I thought that they caused my life to be miserable. You know how girls are – these emotional beings cause each other’s pain as they blame each other for the envy, hatred, and insecurity that exist in their lives. All my life I felt like they were teaming up against me. Those physical, mental, and psychological tortures that I’ve gotten from them were only fragments of my dark past that I have carried on through my teenage years. I carried that heavy baggage for many years which only led me to suffer more. I thought that something in me intimidates them so I struggled just to prove their negative statements wrong. And I’ve been so confused whether I’m really supposed to love them or hate them.

I kept on bumping into these books that made me realize how important a mother-daughter relationship is. I’ve learned that a mother’s history gets passed on to the child through the placenta. And even though this history isn’t passed on to the child verbally, the fact that the babe has been in the womb long enough confirms the strong connection between the child and the mother. All my life my mother made me feel as if I am very different from her that she finds it hard to see herself in me. And so I tried to distance myself from her because I also believed that we were not connected at all. But still, the deep, painful wounds she has engraved upon my soul continued to haunt me as I grew up. I despised her because of that. I couldn’t really go on in my life because my bad relationship with her blocks my way. One time as I found myself so confused about all the things going on in my mind, I sought the courage to confront her.

I told her how bad I felt about the way she made me feel like I’m a failure. I told her how indignant I was that despite my achievements in school, success in inter-school competitions, gift in writing, good singing voice, and physical attractiveness, she still couldn’t recognize how blessed she is to be given such a child. She always thought that something’s wrong with me just because I’m naturally introverted. But what she admitted was that she herself was a failure because she thought that she didn't raise me well enough. Although the blame was pointed to herself, my tears just started rolling because I felt terrible as a person. I don’t think I’m bad, I really don’t. I think I’m good enough; or at least that’s what I tell myself to believe. I suffered from low self-esteem throughout my adolescence because I couldn’t get her approval. She always thought there was something wrong with me which led me to doubt myself more. Despite my gifts, I wasn’t able to love myself. I was so angry at myself and I blamed her for this. I told her this and I saw the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t mean to cause me great inner pain.

All my life I thought that my sister was their favorite daughter. My mother relates more to her because she’s outgoing, sociable, and always wants to appear pleasing even though her thoughts might really be darker. She’s always into the latest trends and fashion. She’s always into Facebook, and she has all the traits of a conformist. Meanwhile, my non-conformity was seen by my mother as rebellion. I just happen to have my own set of beliefs and I’m not caged by religion. I am introverted so I always retreat into my room just writing stuff and learning from the spiritual videos of Teal Swan. I sing whenever I want to, I do things according to my mood. I couldn’t gain the love of my parents because they see me as selfish and rebellious. I tried hard not to get into an argument with my mother but as we opened up each other’s wounds to each other, tears just couldn’t stop rolling down from our eyes. I told her how I was hurting so much deep inside. I told her to just accept me as I am because I was born this way. I told her that she is not a failure just because she couldn’t mold me into an ideal daughter, like the almost-perfect daughters of her officemates. No. Just like a guitar has strings with different notes that make a beautiful harmony together, she should accept me as a D note and not try to make me a C note because I’m a fucking D. I do my job by being just me. It took me so much courage to open up this pain to her. It’s because I need her help to try to get my life in perfect balance again.

But what I found out was that I was really a reflection of my mother. She could also see herself in me. My sister and I were both reflections of our mother; in fact, we represent her dual personality. She just thought negatively of me because I represent the part of her that was ignored, not nurtured, and she was ashamed of having. She had my artistic gifts and inclination in music but she felt like she wasn’t good enough so she gave them all up. She tried so much to hide her shyness because she thinks it’s unacceptable. I am so passionate about the things I want to do and that makes her worry because she thinks that my writing and singing would get me nowhere. She thinks I would lead a poor life by just being me. But no, I won’t. She’s wrong. God gave me her gifts that she didn’t use. God gave me the side of her personality which she ignored. But God also gave me this fiery temperament and strength to stand up for my own beliefs which she clearly did not do. I don’t see my introversion as a mistake - it was actually a blessing for I am more self-aware and I can tap more into my inner self and trust my intuition. I’ll make her realize that her mistake was that she neglected her right brain, gifts and inner strength, and chose a job she didn’t want with a belief that it will make life easier for her.

The self-doubt and insecurity I have actually came from my mother. And she has given birth to me so I may correct her mistakes. Contrary to what I thought for the past years, I am actually a reflection of my mother; and she’s just more worried about me that I might make the same mistakes she did when she was younger. But I came down into this earth to do the opposite. The part of her that she ignored resurfaces through me. And although I perceive my sister as my complete opposite, we are utterly related through our mother. And as she’s still in the process of accepting me as I am, she will eventually realize that the most valuable part of ourselves is the part which we always ignore just to conform to the "accepted" ways of the world.


Post a Comment

Powered by Blogger.