Daughter: A Mother's Own Reflection

My deep wounds from childhood were really caused by my mother. My mother has been a big part of my life no matter how hardly I tried to avoid her influence. The same goes for my sister. All my life I thought that they caused my life to be miserable. You know how girls are – these emotional beings cause each other’s pain as they blame each other for the envy, hatred, and insecurity that exist in their lives. All my life I felt like they were teaming up against me. Those physical, mental, and psychological tortures that I’ve gotten from them were only fragments of my dark past that I have carried on through my teenage years. I carried that heavy baggage for many years which only led me to suffer more. I thought that something in me intimidates them so I struggled just to prove their negative statements wrong. And I’ve been so confused whether I’m really supposed to love them or hate them.

I kept on bumping into these books that made me realize how important a mother-daughter relationship is. I’ve learned that a mother’s history gets passed on to the child through the placenta. And even though this history isn’t passed on to the child verbally, the fact that the babe has been in the womb long enough confirms the strong connection between the child and the mother. All my life my mother made me feel as if I am very different from her that she finds it hard to see herself in me. And so I tried to distance myself from her because I also believed that we were not connected at all. But still, the deep, painful wounds she has engraved upon my soul continued to haunt me as I grew up. I despised her because of that. I couldn’t really go on in my life because my bad relationship with her blocks my way. One time as I found myself so confused about all the things going on in my mind, I sought the courage to confront her.

I told her how bad I felt about the way she made me feel like I’m a failure. I told her how indignant I was that despite my achievements in school, success in inter-school competitions, gift in writing, good singing voice, and physical attractiveness, she still couldn’t recognize how blessed she is to be given such a child. She always thought that something’s wrong with me just because I’m naturally introverted. But what she admitted was that she herself was a failure because she thought that she didn't raise me well enough. Although the blame was pointed to herself, my tears just started rolling because I felt terrible as a person. I don’t think I’m bad, I really don’t. I think I’m good enough; or at least that’s what I tell myself to believe. I suffered from low self-esteem throughout my adolescence because I couldn’t get her approval. She always thought there was something wrong with me which led me to doubt myself more. Despite my gifts, I wasn’t able to love myself. I was so angry at myself and I blamed her for this. I told her this and I saw the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t mean to cause me great inner pain.

All my life I thought that my sister was their favorite daughter. My mother relates more to her because she’s outgoing, sociable, and always wants to appear pleasing even though her thoughts might really be darker. She’s always into the latest trends and fashion. She’s always into Facebook, and she has all the traits of a conformist. Meanwhile, my non-conformity was seen by my mother as rebellion. I just happen to have my own set of beliefs and I’m not caged by religion. I am introverted so I always retreat into my room just writing stuff and learning from the spiritual videos of Teal Swan. I sing whenever I want to, I do things according to my mood. I couldn’t gain the love of my parents because they see me as selfish and rebellious. I tried hard not to get into an argument with my mother but as we opened up each other’s wounds to each other, tears just couldn’t stop rolling down from our eyes. I told her how I was hurting so much deep inside. I told her to just accept me as I am because I was born this way. I told her that she is not a failure just because she couldn’t mold me into an ideal daughter, like the almost-perfect daughters of her officemates. No. Just like a guitar has strings with different notes that make a beautiful harmony together, she should accept me as a D note and not try to make me a C note because I’m a fucking D. I do my job by being just me. It took me so much courage to open up this pain to her. It’s because I need her help to try to get my life in perfect balance again.

But what I found out was that I was really a reflection of my mother. She could also see herself in me. My sister and I were both reflections of our mother; in fact, we represent her dual personality. She just thought negatively of me because I represent the part of her that was ignored, not nurtured, and she was ashamed of having. She had my artistic gifts and inclination in music but she felt like she wasn’t good enough so she gave them all up. She tried so much to hide her shyness because she thinks it’s unacceptable. I am so passionate about the things I want to do and that makes her worry because she thinks that my writing and singing would get me nowhere. She thinks I would lead a poor life by just being me. But no, I won’t. She’s wrong. God gave me her gifts that she didn’t use. God gave me the side of her personality which she ignored. But God also gave me this fiery temperament and strength to stand up for my own beliefs which she clearly did not do. I don’t see my introversion as a mistake - it was actually a blessing for I am more self-aware and I can tap more into my inner self and trust my intuition. I’ll make her realize that her mistake was that she neglected her right brain, gifts and inner strength, and chose a job she didn’t want with a belief that it will make life easier for her.

The self-doubt and insecurity I have actually came from my mother. And she has given birth to me so I may correct her mistakes. Contrary to what I thought for the past years, I am actually a reflection of my mother; and she’s just more worried about me that I might make the same mistakes she did when she was younger. But I came down into this earth to do the opposite. The part of her that she ignored resurfaces through me. And although I perceive my sister as my complete opposite, we are utterly related through our mother. And as she’s still in the process of accepting me as I am, she will eventually realize that the most valuable part of ourselves is the part which we always ignore just to conform to the "accepted" ways of the world.

Messages from the Birds

Since I got out of the university after a very tiring semester, I vowed to never use my brain again during the summer vacation.  I expected many invitations of going out from friends, but I figured out that we were all thinking about ourselves. I guess I only got invitations five times; and so I seldom go out of my lovely cage. They care more about their studies than having happier times together – but although it sounds odd for true friendship, I prefer friends like them than those who only value temporary happiness through vices. I prefer having successful friends than spoiled brats. Friendship is not measured by the times you spent being together but by the strong bond that is formed for all tempests you have braved together.

And through all the times I have just been learning by myself inside my little corner of the house, I just realized that little creatures have been visiting my room ever since. I thought of their visits as mere coincidences, but I guess there’s no such thing as a coincidence. Every single incident that happens to a human being is brought to him by the universe itself, so everything definitely has a divine purpose. A few hours ago, a bird went inside my room. It flew beneath the ceiling and rested on my door for about five seconds. Then it flew away. I realized that it was not the first time a beautiful flying creature entered my room when I was always making sure that the doors and windows are closed when I'm alone. I also pondered for a moment that of all the rooms in this house, why did the birds choose mine? They seemed to make sure that I was well-aware of their presence. Oh, how cute they are.

My beau, who takes all things as a joke, kidded me that maybe the birds probably heard about my beauty from other animals in this forest and just tried to look at my face. But I’m not Snow White, you know, and the universe itself accidentally took me to an article online where I learned that these birds may be carrying a divine message from above, or from my ancestral guides. These birds just love pestering me when I’m alone. They make noises, eat my food from the kitchen, and play with the dishes. I couldn’t be wrong, because God communicates through nature. This time, a divine message was desperately sent to me because a bird really tried hard to go inside my small room and rest for a little while. I just don’t know what that message is. And I also don’t know why a bird was chosen.

This brief but meaningful moment in my life made me realize that God still cares for us even though we’re here in this hellish earth. And I understand why he wanted to communicate using nature, especially the animals. He lives in heaven where there is perfect spiritual bliss. This earth just cannot match the beautiful frequency of heaven so our planet was placed very far from it. But even though He is so far away, He lets us know that He is still with us through his creations. We are also his creation after all. Now I don’t know if that free little bird carries with it a specific message just for me, but still not being that enlightened, I perceive that brief visitation as God saying hi to me, and reminding me of His love when I feel all alone, helpless and friendless. Or the universe may be telling me to take off the weight of the world on my shoulders and be free as a bird. I am a lazy slob, but I am very active mentally. I take all inside, including the negative vibrations of other people. Maybe it’s time to free myself of everything and just fly away while thinking that I am always loved. 

A Queen in Past Life

I had my first practice of past life regression today and what I felt, knew, and saw weren’t as vivid and detailed as I expected them to be. Deep in my heart I knew that I had been a queen or some sort of a royalty; but if the information I got from the regression were merely my imagination, then I should have been a lovely princess with many suitors. However, everything I saw was not something I expected it to be. I’d like to believe that the information presented to me came from my subconscious, only blocked for a very long time.

I looked at my toes and I was wearing a lovely pair of flat shoes with the color of gold. And as I was examining my clothes, I saw that I was wearing a rusty gold gown which had long sleeves. I think my clothes gave me the idea that I was a queen and it was 1700-1800s at that time. I was inside a palace. When I looked to my left, I saw a butler which gave me a concerned look. However, I just knew that I must not trust him. His eyes were fixed on me; and the longer he stared at me, the more I get the impression that he was a traitor. Then, my sister passed and gave me a malicious stare. I got the impression that we were rivals. She was a “jealous sister.” The king, my husband, looked like an imbecile. He did not love me. I guess I did love him a little bit, but I was also a wee bit upset that he did not love me. We had one lovely little daughter, however.

The atmosphere was so sad. I feel like I had a bad reputation as a queen. I had no friends and no one understood me. And my sad life was mostly caused by my jealous sister. I even suspect her to be responsible for my death; but I cannot remember what the cause of my death was. I think I was on my forties when I died. And as I was dying, I was lying on some sort of a bed, and all the people on the royal court were around me. I could not feel true love and sympathy from them. I see them all as traitors who were just waiting for me to die. My tears were already falling as I was recalling that event. Only one little girl ran up to me and hugged me. I felt her genuine love and it made me happy as I was dying. I really loved that girl. I think she was my daughter.

Everything was still so vague to me. I did not clearly get the lesson which I learned from living that life, nor the reason why I chose my parents and this kind of life. But as I was growing up, I had an innate sense of entitlement for everything and I expect people to notice and adore me. Some people had already told me that I had a disposition of a royalty and I also liked to believe them. I do not get along with my sister in this life and we spent our lives getting better than each other. People always compare us. I also feel unloved most of the time, and it’s true that there are lots of traitors and jealous people in my life. I just lead an ordinary life right now and I know deep in my heart that having less money doesn’t make you less of a person. I know in this life that material wealth couldn’t give you spiritual bliss. I still don’t understand most things, but I see lots of parallelisms in my life then and now. 
Powered by Blogger.