Runaway Kid

I wanted really bad to belong, and I understand that belongingness starts from the home. I am far from being a delinquent, but I am considered the black sheep of my family still. In every aspect, I just find myself very different from the rest of my family members so I felt rejected at a very young age. My classmates like me though – but there is no problem as serious as having childhood wounds that unconsciously influences your decisions and behavior as you grow up. My parents were cold and emotionally detached, while my sister has a life of her own where I clearly did not belong. Everyone was minding their own business, while I was left alone waiting for one of them to come to me and just hug me. Almost all conflicts and clashes in my home were about me or included me, so I really cursed God, or destiny, or whatever it is to blame when I was in the lowest of my spirits, feeling painfully hopeless. I was so angry at the fact that I was given a family who did not love me.

Growing up, I always sensed hostility from them. It was easy for them to label my sister as the good child, and me as the bad child. My parents continued feeding me and sending me to school so as to avoid being rumored as bad parents, when they clearly did not love me. “Being parents” is not enough to prove your love for your children, for every human being can reproduce but not everyone can feel love for their children. And every child deserves to feel love especially from their own parents. And I grew up discontented and sad because they did not give it to me. They saw me as rebellious and disrespectful, when I just wanted them to listen to what I say. I desperately wanted their attention, yes, but it seemed like voicing out my thoughts and ideas, whatever they are, automatically translates to rebellion when most of the time I didn’t even intend to offend them. They held on to the traditional idea of upbringing that children are nothing compared to their elders, so they do not have the right to even say anything that would seem to contradict their elders. I constantly got abused physically, mentally, and emotionally during my puberty years – and they did it because of fear. They were fearful parents.

My inner scale was confused and was constantly trying to find out whether I love or hate my family. I hated them for all those wounds that they’ve given to my soul, but I was supposed to love them because “God gave them to me”. But how are you supposed to love the people who won’t clearly accept you as you are? They were embarrassed of me despite my achievements in school, because they see me as a problem child. Sometimes when I’m alone, I talk to my inner child: “How could they afford to be embarrassed of having a child who is talented in singing, painting, dancing, and writing?” It wouldn’t benefit me to drown in my own misery so I reminded myself that I am a gift from God to whoever will accept me. I constantly reminded myself of my strengths, but I couldn’t get out of the black hole of my insecurity. “My family pushed me to be like this. I can’t lose in this battle.” So the moment my high school graduation came, I decided to study in a premiere university in the Philippines, no matter how far it was. I thought that I needed a break from family problems.

After two years, when I came back as a new me, and when people around me where looking up to me, they started being proud of their daughter. Whenever my beauty, or success, or any desirable trait of mine gets complimented, they always attribute it to themselves instead of my own blood and sweat without their help. Everywhere we go, people always notice me and I couldn’t fathom whether they’re proud or jealous of me. My mother especially. We have treated each other as enemies because we always fight. She doesn’t listen to me and just acts according to her emotions, not caring whether her actions are already damaging to me. Now she always wants to be with me and always holds my arm when we go out. I don’t know what’s the matter with her, when she always wanted to leave me when I was little. She didn’t like the responsibility of taking care of anything, so I resented her. Now that I was used to their coldness, they go near me. But they not just go near me, they depend on me for anything. Like they just raised me to be their savior or anything. But personally, I think that they did very well on taking care of themselves before, so why can’t they do it now? When everything seems bad, they curse me. But when everything seems fine, they cling on me. They make me want to spew out of my mouth every terrible thing that they’ve done to me when I was younger, and then run away from them.

My four-month vacation from school is nearly over, and I wanted so bad to ride on an airplane and claim my independence again. I can sense fear and insecurity when I go near them, so I can’t stand being inside the house with my parents. Honestly, I’m trying to endure it. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, but after those years of torture, they seem to be putting more weight on my shoulders now that eighteen, and just started becoming an adult. I can sense their inferiority complexes, I can sense the fear where all those bad traits come from. I want to get out of the house because they affect me so much. I want to just love them from afar. We’re not meant to be in one roof, because they make me uncomfortable. They can’t even feel thankful when I do the household chores for them; instead, they tell me that I’m useless. How can I stay in this kind of household? I feel like I did not really come from them – I am so different to even believe that. And that’s why I wanted so bad to run away. I just want to run away every time. 

My Rose Quartz Crystal

I guess a few months back I first knew about crystals, their consciousness, and their healing properties. I thought that the idea was so splendid, for I believed for a long time that only those who are breathing, moving, and growing are living things. They even say that crystals can communicate, and that they can be talkative and funny. But it’s unfortunate that I am not extrasensory to enjoy their consolation and humorous speeches. And even though I have ignored the little crystal-knowledge I had after watching a video of Teal Scott (Swan) because I thought I’d only be spending lots of money for this, a tiny rough crystal unexpectedly made its way into my life.

Yesterday, I went into a mall to buy bathroom products because our summer vacation is nearly over.  I don’t know if I was just unintentionally picking up bad vibes from all around me or I was just literally having a bad hair day – because I trimmed my wavy hair shorter, my hair roots were showing, and I thought I was looking really weird. I guess I was feeling bad that people would judge my looks because I threw away a large percentage of my beauty now that my hair looks weird. After I’ve finished buying all that I had to buy, I was eager to go home immediately. I suddenly had a “social anxiety” because of my shorter hair.

However, on one corner of the mall where the souvenir shops are located, I got immediately drawn to one part of the group of stalls and looked at all of their Palawan shirts. Because I had nothing to do and I was lonely, I looked at dreamcatchers, keychains, and bracelets in a bored manner. Suddenly, I found myself touching a bracelet with red beads and a crystal pendant. The sales lady charmingly asked me what is it that I wanted, because I had softly gasped, “Crystal!” I asked her if the crystal on the bracelet was real and she said yes. There were other bracelets with rough crystals on them but I was drawn into the one with the red beads and a large, rough crystal pendant. The crystal was pale pink and about the size of a big coin, only ten times fatter. The lady said that it was rose quartz and that it was for love. I didn’t care what it was; I just felt a strong connection. I bought the crystal bracelet and had my spirits lifted up right away.

I was convinced that the rose quartz wanted me to be its keeper. When I got home, I immediately googled about the properties of a rose quartz and what it does to a person, and I smiled at what I have read. The rose quartz is a universal crystal for love, evident in its pink color. It gives off gentle energy and heals the heart chakra of emotional wounds and anger. It is also said to attract love into your life and improve your relationships. I was convinced that I needed a rose quartz in my life because I always find myself crying over all kinds of relationships I have or had. And I am a pretty emotional person, that people always tell me to guard my heart. My heart was probably already overused and injured so I was glad to find out that rose quartz gives you self-love and aids your self-worth. It has a very feminine energy that has anything to do with love. It is associated with the planet Venus.

I put this lovely crystal under my pillow before I went to sleep, and I had a very peaceful slumber. I woke up at eleven in the morning. And as this crystal is not a talisman for preventing arguments in relationships, I still found myself arguing with my boyfriend but I noticed that it wasn’t as harsh as what always happens before. Forgiveness came easily (although we fought about a really serious matter), and we were back in harmony again. I still haven’t used this in a month to give you a believable testimony, but I noticed that I’ve been in a pleasant temperament most of the time while wearing the rose quartz bracelet. It would be a miracle to those who really know me, because I am very irritable, I really have a fiery temperament, and I always seem like I bite. 

Being Yourself, Being a Free Spirit, Being Uniquely YOU

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The biggest challenge of living in this world is having the whole world mold you into something they want and you resisting to such unfairness. To free spirits, it is hard to accept being put in a box and have limited capabilities because we all have a divine purpose before coming into this planet and society’s expectations and our fear of being condemned hinders us from fulfilling our destiny. “Be yourself” is probably already a cliché to some people, an advice always given but not always heeded, but it is actually one of the key ingredients to living a successful and fulfilling life in this loving universe.

“…an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.”
– E.A. Bucchianeri

The problem with humanity today is that most people usually count on their heads because they see their hearts as an idiotic and emotional organ that distracts them from reality. However, that is not the case. Listening to our hearts means giving serious attention to our intuition. Our right brain hemisphere actually is the part of our brain which knows the laws of this universe; so listening to it speak to us is like scanning a cheat book of life. I can’t even explain it; it just knows our souls and what it truly desires that our left brains cannot solve logically. So long story short, it is advisable to do things from our heart, not based on what society wants us to. Everything that we create (from artworks, writings, to whatever) is an extension of ourselves, so the best creations are those created from the heart.

 “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” – Lao Tzu
“The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.” – Lao Tzu

“Being yourself” is not that hard sometimes, because you are already yourself from the moment that you are born. However, as we grow up, the world around us try to set up rules and regulations for us to live by, and we begin to understand that we have to act a certain way to please people and make them love us. But little children (probably up until the age of three) have an incredible sense of themselves. They don’t try hard but people adore them. Why? Because they are just being themselves. They don’t fear anything and they act according to their wishes. And like the quotes of Lao Tzu above, we don’t have to compare ourselves to others because it will only make us feel that we are lacking in some way which is certainly not true. I have loved Britney Spears since I was a little girl, but it doesn’t mean that I should already act like her because Britney is Britney and I am me. And I personally find it hard to imitate someone like her because I am shy and reserved by nature.

 “Don’t wish to be normal. Wish to be yourself. To the hilt. Find out what you’re best at, and develop it, and hopscotch your weaknesses. Wish to be great at whatever you are.”
– Lois McMaster Bujold

For those who have been called weird sometime in their lives and have been offended by it, YAY for you! Do not think that you were being rejected or scorned, because it only means that you are doing well in your job of being yourself. Embrace your quirks and imperfections, no matter how embarrassed you are of them. Embrace them as a part of yourself, and the world will embrace you as you truly are. If you’re just like everyone else, then what would be so special about you? And alongside accepting your weirdness and flaws, try strengthening your strengths more. Follow your passion. If you were blessed with painting, drawing, sculpting, cooking, singing, dancing, or whatever abilities, then go in that direction. Don’t ignore them – in fact, you should be cultivating your skills and try to be a better version of yourself. The ingredients for your own unique self is already within you, so the best option is to start loving and appreciating yourself. Don’t ever fall into the habit of constantly comparing yourself to others because everyone is amazing in their own ways.

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”
– Frank Zappa

This may seem impossible but we have to let go of society’s expectations. We have to stop caring about what others think of us, really. These advices have been repeated over and over again but it’s hard because we dread having a bad reputation, right? The worst thing we can do is to hide behind the fear of judgment – because then we start to ignore our own needs and do things according to what we think would please people. Don’t put yourself inside a box and don’t ever let them do that to you because being free is your birthright. The Source has given us free will and that sacred thing should never be stepped on by others or their expectations of you.

We have to let go of the thought that we can only be loved and accepted if we act a certain way. Be aware that you are an infinite being. Be aware that you are here to explore, learn, and expand. You cannot do that if you are engulfed in fear and doing what you are not supposed to do. And you are not a robot, you are an amazing human being who can do things according to his own will. And that act of doing things against your will because of fear or playing safe will only make you a sad and lost human who has forgotten his true life purpose. Being yourself is also filling your own cup of happiness, as you love and accept yourself with all your might. It’s just that simple, we don’t have to try hard. And the last advice I can give you is again to be yourself, because no one can ever take your uniqueness away from you. :)

The Girl I'm Destined to be

The way that humans are able to amuse and surprise extra-terrestrial beings by being so unpredictable – like being a beggar and then rise to being a king later on – is not limited to everyone; not even to me. Although I may come across as shy, modest, humble, or self-effacing, I’m not really the girl who you think I am. Or if you happen to know me years ago, I advise you not to have a fixed opinion about me or in any way think that I am an inferior kind of woman who’s only fit to only be some kind of a maidservant or whatever. Because from now on, I’m sure that I’ll start attaining my destiny and the purpose of my current incarnation on this planet. As I tap into my heart and imagination, this is the vision that I came up with:

I will be a very pretty girl. I am eighteen now but I say “girl” because I will look younger than my true age. I will be petite forever because I love how petite I am. I really don’t like to stand out, and being petite helps me to hide from whatever I want to hide from. But I still want to have physical beauty because I wanna be adored despite not being flashy. I love my simplicity and I guess that’s who I really am. Since I first saw Britney Spears during my childhood, I instantly knew that I want to be that girl. I had an instant attraction to her that it seemed like my inner being shone a flickering light. And I don’t have this desire of being beautiful because I am ugly; in fact, I’ve always felt beautiful deep inside and I just had to let it out to the world. My shyness blocks my intense desire for true self-expression, but I’m getting out of that bit by bit. I just know that the pretty girl I wanna be is someone like Britney Spears.

And I wanna be a writer – specifically a famous novelistI wanna be someone like J. K. Rowling or Margaret Mitchell. I really admire their big brains. I wanna find out how they know all of that, so I aspire to be as intelligent as J. R. R. Tolkien. I know that I am not the type who’s suited to write a “The Lord of the Rings” type of book but I greatly admire his broad knowledge. Writers almost always know everything. Tolkien was also a professor and I was kinda shocked the minute I found out because I actually plan to teach too! I have this great desire of imparting knowledge to the world in a way that makes them interested in whatever I have to say. I have actually observed that I have the knack of making people listen and pay attention to what I am saying. Because I always know whatever I happen to say to people. I have this huge desire of changing ignorant people and turn them into intelligent citizens who have the power to change our government and educational system. I know that my special purpose was not to put the spotlight on myself but to help other people – sometimes even unconditionally. It’s because I know how hard it is to be helpless and ignorant.

I wanna be filthy rich so I can buy anything that I love for myself. I wanna have a big and clean house at a rural area where I can plant fruits and vegetables for my family. I want work that has something to do with my hands that’s why I write, paint, draw, and would love to try planting and harvesting crops. I will buy lots of books for me and my children to read. Of course I wouldn’t buy the dull ones (too academic) but only classics, fiction, spiritual, and self-help books. I will buy lots of art materials so my children and I would have artistic hobbies that they would prefer over computers and iPads. I also wanna buy lots of beautiful clothes, shoes, and makeup that could help me express my divine feminine. I love looking lovely all the time. I wanna have diverse interests and work. I feel like I’d only feel satisfied if I write, teach, and learn at the same time. Having only one work would be too boring for me. I want to get involved with everything that involves creativity.

I chose this unique path in life to help people within and out of my reach. I want to show women how lovely they can be. I want to show them to dismiss people who inhibit them to express themselves fully. I want to show them to follow their true passion, and let their hearts lead them to whatever they are destined to be. I want to show them that pursuing any kind of art for your career does not always lead to poverty, as many people believe. And although I might not be as stunning as Britney Spears, although I don’t have that charisma that would instantly lead me to Hollywood, I know that this path I’m currently taking is my heart’s desire. I know I’d still take a serious approach to life even as I actually become a beautiful woman. I know that I was sent to school to impart my knowledge to a large number of humans and help make wise creatures out of humanity. When I was a child, I didn’t really know where I should be headed, because I was too caught up in society’s expectations. But no, they don’t hold the path to my future. I came down in this earth to embody beauty and knowledge and spread it across the planet. 

Natural Beauty

“Natural beauty” has been a hot topic of debate for men and women alike. Men say that they prefer natural beauty in women, but women counterattack by saying that there is no such thing as natural beauty, and that men just don’t know anything about natural makeup. Women saying that they rely on their natural beauty would seem like a hypocrite to most women, as they see them as too cocky to admit that their natural state of beauty still has to receive help from cosmetics to really be a beauty on the streets. Being an eighteen year-old girl, I have permitted myself to use everyday makeup since last year so I understand both contrasting sides of women in regards to natural beauty. And although I prefer using light makeup before I present myself to the world, I can say from my observations and being a woman myself that women who are so opposed to natural beauty and to people who criticize the use of makeup are really talking from a standpoint of insecurity.

For the last two years, I’ve been dependent on makeup and hair dyes. And although we have to apply them to constantly feel and look good, I’ve come to realize lately that if beauty is present in an individual, it really is – and trying so hard to be one with the use of harmful chemicals may have a damaging effect which may only be visible later on. I realized that I’m already fed up with dyeing my hair and spending much time making up my face because it’s unfair that some women could just wash their face and already look like goddesses. It’s also costly being a high-maintenance girl. And so, lately I’ve decided to stop dyeing my hair and let it grow back as black again so as to let the world know that I’m proud of being a Filipina and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Pure Filipinos only grow black hair. I realized that although trying to make myself look foreign through hair dyes and makeup was successful in attracting attention and admiration, I now want to try the natural look and grow my self-confidence regarding the facial features that God has given me. My hair in itself is not ugly; in fact, my soft curls are often envied by women.

I’ve also realized lately that I’m being dependent on beauty products. I started having the habit of at least putting something on my face before facing other people. Although people find me pretty, my heart doesn’t see me that way because of the way I got dependent on cosmetics. Yes, cosmetics enhance our beauty – but do they really beautify us in the ­long run? Contrary to what most girls believe, these harmful chemicals that we like to put on our bodies actually help destroy us bit by bit. Hair dyes could cause a fearful amount of hair fall. Makeup could cause dull skin and dark lips. In short, they make us ugly. This could be evident after probably ten years of continually using them. And that’s not something a wise woman would opt to because all women naturally invest on their looks to attract a mate that would consider them marriage-material. Men of course would choose a woman who could still look beautiful after ten or twenty years of marriage as they are visual creatures.

So these advertisements of beauty products everywhere are just traps. It’s better not to fall into those traps but really, how we choose to beautify ourselves is really our own personal choice. Do what you know is best for you. However, I personally believe that true beauty must start and come from within. I’m not talking about inner beauty however; I’m saying that in the end, we’ll realize that water, fruits, vegetables, and exercise are what will really bring out the beauty of our physical bodies and not those harmful chemicals from commercial beauty products. I’ve also noticed that I look my best when I smile a lot. Not phony smiles but genuine smiles that stem from the heart. I get an instant blush-on and attractive energy that emanates from my being. Every girl of course wants to be a natural beauty – and it’s the best kind of beauty that we opt to try to achieve in my opinion, because nothing’s more attractive than authenticity. You may have also noticed that the one who’s got the most magnetic presence in a room is the one who is being himself. There is really nothing to be ashamed of our natural looks. We ought to be real. We are doing it for ourselves anyway. Cosmetics actually take away our youthful looks and natural beauty.

A Life about Beauty

I am just 18 but when I look back at what happened during the past seventeen years and compare it to what I am now, one quote of Jane Austen comes into my mind:

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.”

Yes, it is true that beauty and attractiveness can get you far in life. It can attract people who are useful tools for your success; but at the same time, it can also attract people wanting so bad to harm you when they feel like you get on their way. For the past seventeen years of my life, I have struggled for the attainment of and because of the lack of beauty. I battled with acne, had intense heartbreaks, had my skills and talents ignored because of my plainness, had people dislike me for my appearance and a lot more. I feel like my whole life was about beauty. Or at least that’s how I think it is. Maybe all I think about is beauty. I create beauty through art, and I try to make myself one. Some people who don’t know how to draw, sing, or dance early in life definitely learn if they feel like it’s their calling or they get really passionate. So perhaps it’s the same for attractiveness and beauty. Every single one of us, especially the females, have an innate beauty within them but some of us just need to have it awakened. I couldn’t be wrong about beauty being the subject of my present life here on earth as it is what I always think about. And what you always think about is where your heart and soul is. Perhaps my mission in this life is to find true beauty.

And so, regarding the Austen quote written above – every late bloomer can relate to it. This stage of my life perhaps is an exciting one, as I seem to have finally reached my dream of becoming prettier. And even though I am still not up to the standards of becoming Miss Universe, the universe still granted me this gift where I get male attention quite often and they definitely find me attractive. That is the goal of feminine beauty anyway. And in case my intuition really does function perfectly, then it must be true that people treat me depending on how to they react to my beauty. Often, people love me for it. While some people approach me and sometimes use me, some people definitely wanted to have nothing to do with me. Some girls just try to rob me of everything, even my closest friends. Some girls try to make rumors about me when the guy they like happens to like me. Some girls just treat me badly for no reason at all. And that’s the last thing we want beauty to do to us. I know that I may sound like boasting, but let's face it -- women know what I'm talking about. Beauty can really separate us from one another because it s seen as a powerful weapon to attract a mate that would secure our survival. 

Sometimes, I don’t think that I really wanted how beauty serves me its purpose. Yes, I always attract attention from men and women alike. My relatives always talk to me despite my introversion because they think I’m pretty. I can say that I love the attention but I don’t really know what to do with it. I attract some men and I get flattered when the teenage ones flock to me and try to know me right after they saw me. However, I don’t know what to do with older and dirty men on the streets. They creep me out and I always feel bad for the men I am walking with because they always receive criticism. I also tend to attract men who are crazy and obsessed with me and just can’t leave me alone even though they know that I’m already taken or even if they know that I don’t like them back. They don’t see how I’m afraid of them. And although having people dislike me hurts me deep inside, there are just some girls who don’t like me and unfortunately I couldn’t do anything about what they think about me. There must be a particular reason; but I just automatically think that they're probably jealous because there were lots of instances wherein I was hated because the attention that they wanted goes to me instead. And although it was my dream to be as pretty as Britney Spears, sometimes I hated being pretty because of the hatred and issues I used to deal with. 

The saddest part of being beautiful is that the people around you don’t make an effort in knowing you too well. They get too satisfied in physical beauty and that’s all they see – the outer shell. And although it’s not hard for me to attract romantic partners, it’s hard for me to find men who would love me for who I am. It hurts when you discover they only want you to satisfy their carnal lust. It’s sad that when their naked eyes see your beauty too easily, that they don’t care about the beauty of your soul anymore. At first I enjoy being envied for my looks, but life is still the same no matter how you look. I wish all people can see past the beauty of the eyes and try to know the soul lurking underneath that they may know that beautiful people desire to be loved not only because of their physical bodies.

Daughter: A Mother's Own Reflection

My deep wounds from childhood were really caused by my mother. My mother has been a big part of my life no matter how hardly I tried to avoid her influence. The same goes for my sister. All my life I thought that they caused my life to be miserable. You know how girls are – these emotional beings cause each other’s pain as they blame each other for the envy, hatred, and insecurity that exist in their lives. All my life I felt like they were teaming up against me. Those physical, mental, and psychological tortures that I’ve gotten from them were only fragments of my dark past that I have carried on through my teenage years. I carried that heavy baggage for many years which only led me to suffer more. I thought that something in me intimidates them so I struggled just to prove their negative statements wrong. And I’ve been so confused whether I’m really supposed to love them or hate them.

I kept on bumping into these books that made me realize how important a mother-daughter relationship is. I’ve learned that a mother’s history gets passed on to the child through the placenta. And even though this history isn’t passed on to the child verbally, the fact that the babe has been in the womb long enough confirms the strong connection between the child and the mother. All my life my mother made me feel as if I am very different from her that she finds it hard to see herself in me. And so I tried to distance myself from her because I also believed that we were not connected at all. But still, the deep, painful wounds she has engraved upon my soul continued to haunt me as I grew up. I despised her because of that. I couldn’t really go on in my life because my bad relationship with her blocks my way. One time as I found myself so confused about all the things going on in my mind, I sought the courage to confront her.

I told her how bad I felt about the way she made me feel like I’m a failure. I told her how indignant I was that despite my achievements in school, success in inter-school competitions, gift in writing, good singing voice, and physical attractiveness, she still couldn’t recognize how blessed she is to be given such a child. She always thought that something’s wrong with me just because I’m naturally introverted. But what she admitted was that she herself was a failure because she thought that she didn't raise me well enough. Although the blame was pointed to herself, my tears just started rolling because I felt terrible as a person. I don’t think I’m bad, I really don’t. I think I’m good enough; or at least that’s what I tell myself to believe. I suffered from low self-esteem throughout my adolescence because I couldn’t get her approval. She always thought there was something wrong with me which led me to doubt myself more. Despite my gifts, I wasn’t able to love myself. I was so angry at myself and I blamed her for this. I told her this and I saw the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t mean to cause me great inner pain.

All my life I thought that my sister was their favorite daughter. My mother relates more to her because she’s outgoing, sociable, and always wants to appear pleasing even though her thoughts might really be darker. She’s always into the latest trends and fashion. She’s always into Facebook, and she has all the traits of a conformist. Meanwhile, my non-conformity was seen by my mother as rebellion. I just happen to have my own set of beliefs and I’m not caged by religion. I am introverted so I always retreat into my room just writing stuff and learning from the spiritual videos of Teal Swan. I sing whenever I want to, I do things according to my mood. I couldn’t gain the love of my parents because they see me as selfish and rebellious. I tried hard not to get into an argument with my mother but as we opened up each other’s wounds to each other, tears just couldn’t stop rolling down from our eyes. I told her how I was hurting so much deep inside. I told her to just accept me as I am because I was born this way. I told her that she is not a failure just because she couldn’t mold me into an ideal daughter, like the almost-perfect daughters of her officemates. No. Just like a guitar has strings with different notes that make a beautiful harmony together, she should accept me as a D note and not try to make me a C note because I’m a fucking D. I do my job by being just me. It took me so much courage to open up this pain to her. It’s because I need her help to try to get my life in perfect balance again.

But what I found out was that I was really a reflection of my mother. She could also see herself in me. My sister and I were both reflections of our mother; in fact, we represent her dual personality. She just thought negatively of me because I represent the part of her that was ignored, not nurtured, and she was ashamed of having. She had my artistic gifts and inclination in music but she felt like she wasn’t good enough so she gave them all up. She tried so much to hide her shyness because she thinks it’s unacceptable. I am so passionate about the things I want to do and that makes her worry because she thinks that my writing and singing would get me nowhere. She thinks I would lead a poor life by just being me. But no, I won’t. She’s wrong. God gave me her gifts that she didn’t use. God gave me the side of her personality which she ignored. But God also gave me this fiery temperament and strength to stand up for my own beliefs which she clearly did not do. I don’t see my introversion as a mistake - it was actually a blessing for I am more self-aware and I can tap more into my inner self and trust my intuition. I’ll make her realize that her mistake was that she neglected her right brain, gifts and inner strength, and chose a job she didn’t want with a belief that it will make life easier for her.

The self-doubt and insecurity I have actually came from my mother. And she has given birth to me so I may correct her mistakes. Contrary to what I thought for the past years, I am actually a reflection of my mother; and she’s just more worried about me that I might make the same mistakes she did when she was younger. But I came down into this earth to do the opposite. The part of her that she ignored resurfaces through me. And although I perceive my sister as my complete opposite, we are utterly related through our mother. And as she’s still in the process of accepting me as I am, she will eventually realize that the most valuable part of ourselves is the part which we always ignore just to conform to the "accepted" ways of the world.

Messages from the Birds

Since I got out of the university after a very tiring semester, I vowed to never use my brain again during the summer vacation.  I expected many invitations of going out from friends, but I figured out that we were all thinking about ourselves. I guess I only got invitations five times; and so I seldom go out of my lovely cage. They care more about their studies than having happier times together – but although it sounds odd for true friendship, I prefer friends like them than those who only value temporary happiness through vices. I prefer having successful friends than spoiled brats. Friendship is not measured by the times you spent being together but by the strong bond that is formed for all tempests you have braved together.

And through all the times I have just been learning by myself inside my little corner of the house, I just realized that little creatures have been visiting my room ever since. I thought of their visits as mere coincidences, but I guess there’s no such thing as a coincidence. Every single incident that happens to a human being is brought to him by the universe itself, so everything definitely has a divine purpose. A few hours ago, a bird went inside my room. It flew beneath the ceiling and rested on my door for about five seconds. Then it flew away. I realized that it was not the first time a beautiful flying creature entered my room when I was always making sure that the doors and windows are closed when I'm alone. I also pondered for a moment that of all the rooms in this house, why did the birds choose mine? They seemed to make sure that I was well-aware of their presence. Oh, how cute they are.

My beau, who takes all things as a joke, kidded me that maybe the birds probably heard about my beauty from other animals in this forest and just tried to look at my face. But I’m not Snow White, you know, and the universe itself accidentally took me to an article online where I learned that these birds may be carrying a divine message from above, or from my ancestral guides. These birds just love pestering me when I’m alone. They make noises, eat my food from the kitchen, and play with the dishes. I couldn’t be wrong, because God communicates through nature. This time, a divine message was desperately sent to me because a bird really tried hard to go inside my small room and rest for a little while. I just don’t know what that message is. And I also don’t know why a bird was chosen.

This brief but meaningful moment in my life made me realize that God still cares for us even though we’re here in this hellish earth. And I understand why he wanted to communicate using nature, especially the animals. He lives in heaven where there is perfect spiritual bliss. This earth just cannot match the beautiful frequency of heaven so our planet was placed very far from it. But even though He is so far away, He lets us know that He is still with us through his creations. We are also his creation after all. Now I don’t know if that free little bird carries with it a specific message just for me, but still not being that enlightened, I perceive that brief visitation as God saying hi to me, and reminding me of His love when I feel all alone, helpless and friendless. Or the universe may be telling me to take off the weight of the world on my shoulders and be free as a bird. I am a lazy slob, but I am very active mentally. I take all inside, including the negative vibrations of other people. Maybe it’s time to free myself of everything and just fly away while thinking that I am always loved. 

A Queen in Past Life

I had my first practice of past life regression today and what I felt, knew, and saw weren’t as vivid and detailed as I expected them to be. Deep in my heart I knew that I had been a queen or some sort of a royalty; but if the information I got from the regression were merely my imagination, then I should have been a lovely princess with many suitors. However, everything I saw was not something I expected it to be. I’d like to believe that the information presented to me came from my subconscious, only blocked for a very long time.

I looked at my toes and I was wearing a lovely pair of flat shoes with the color of gold. And as I was examining my clothes, I saw that I was wearing a rusty gold gown which had long sleeves. I think my clothes gave me the idea that I was a queen and it was 1700-1800s at that time. I was inside a palace. When I looked to my left, I saw a butler which gave me a concerned look. However, I just knew that I must not trust him. His eyes were fixed on me; and the longer he stared at me, the more I get the impression that he was a traitor. Then, my sister passed and gave me a malicious stare. I got the impression that we were rivals. She was a “jealous sister.” The king, my husband, looked like an imbecile. He did not love me. I guess I did love him a little bit, but I was also a wee bit upset that he did not love me. We had one lovely little daughter, however.

The atmosphere was so sad. I feel like I had a bad reputation as a queen. I had no friends and no one understood me. And my sad life was mostly caused by my jealous sister. I even suspect her to be responsible for my death; but I cannot remember what the cause of my death was. I think I was on my forties when I died. And as I was dying, I was lying on some sort of a bed, and all the people on the royal court were around me. I could not feel true love and sympathy from them. I see them all as traitors who were just waiting for me to die. My tears were already falling as I was recalling that event. Only one little girl ran up to me and hugged me. I felt her genuine love and it made me happy as I was dying. I really loved that girl. I think she was my daughter.

Everything was still so vague to me. I did not clearly get the lesson which I learned from living that life, nor the reason why I chose my parents and this kind of life. But as I was growing up, I had an innate sense of entitlement for everything and I expect people to notice and adore me. Some people had already told me that I had a disposition of a royalty and I also liked to believe them. I do not get along with my sister in this life and we spent our lives getting better than each other. People always compare us. I also feel unloved most of the time, and it’s true that there are lots of traitors and jealous people in my life. I just lead an ordinary life right now and I know deep in my heart that having less money doesn’t make you less of a person. I know in this life that material wealth couldn’t give you spiritual bliss. I still don’t understand most things, but I see lots of parallelisms in my life then and now. 
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