Single again?

I have endured being single for two years so this new relationship that I am in was very much anticipated. For a long time I have fixed myself and prepared for “the one,” whoever he is, or just wanted to be in a serious relationship with a boy who loves me too. Because the truth is, I don’t have much friends. Maybe I do have a few friends and many acquaintances, but I only trust very few people. It’s because I know that when I give myself to someone, I give my all.  Sharing your thoughts with only your journal is a very lonely thing to do, so one girl best friend and one boyfriend will already do for me. I don’t like shallow relationships with people who only look for fun, so I get drawn to grounded people who listen and try to understand my dramas in life. Being my boyfriend would probably be a very tough job seeing how emotionally unstable I am, but I guarantee you that once I give you my heart, it’s already yours to keep. Unless of course you break it – because I am capable of hating you with great passion equal to how I loved you before.

For at least two years of romantic loneliness, I decided that I wanted a dominant man. I want an aggressive and masculine man. I decided that I hate cowards – those who don’t know how to fight for what they want and are easily swayed by naysayers. I have worked towards being feminine, so I wanted someone opposite to compliment me. Just think of the yin-yang theory. I want someone who is willing to fight all odds just to be with me. And yes, I am finally with a masculine man – but his dominance is just too much. He is too manly while still immature that I find myself suffocated sometimes. His protectiveness is too much that I already see it as possessiveness. His idea of gender is very traditional, that I find it very unfair that he gets mad at me when he feels like I’m taking away his freedom. As a man, he always gets his way; and as a woman, I always try to understand. Our ideas of love are very different. We also tend to argue most of the time (like any other couple out there) but I'm already hurting way too much. Even my friends tell me that this relationship does not do me any good.

Now I’m not going to beat around the bush – my current relationship with this man is not going too well. In fact, he requested to have his space, to “cool off” in our relationship; and I’m not too sure whether this will further lead to a breakup or not. But most people say that “cool off” is just a prelude to a breakup. He just drives me nuts, and I don’t know what to do as men like to play mind games with women. Yes I do love him, and I’m just not ready to let go of my present happiness. I’d only get out of an abusive relationship once I’ve gotten over everything and found new happiness in my life. And this idea of being single again honestly bothers me and makes me think that no guy can really stay with me for too long. Again, this makes me think that something’s wrong with me. But I don’t think so. It just so happened that I attract guys with insecurity problems or problems with their psyche; and although this affects me deeply, I just think that the universe wants to give me a lesson. It knows that I only grow through one-on-one relationships so my relationships with my very close friends, boyfriends, and family get tested often.

To be honest, this idea of being single again bothers me a lot. I don’t want to get out of a relationship because I’d feel alone again. I’d be out of people’s sight again for a long time while trying to lick my wounded heart. I guess my mistake was that I was too amazed at the idea of yin and yang that I just identified myself with yin and that I should find the yang who would complete me. I did not realize that I was already complete by myself. I was born perfectly complete, so why am I getting too stressed about searching for someone who’d complete me? Every person has both yin and yang within them; feminine women just display the dominance of yin in them and vice versa. This idea that we wouldn’t be happy until that special someone comes into our lives is utterly false, because whether we’re in a relationship or not, we will never be truly happy if we cannot generate our own happiness. We all have our cups to fill. If our own cups are overflowing with love and happiness, then that’s the only time we can share it with others. Because if that’s not the case, then we will be parasitic to others and they will feel very drained. After hours of reflection I have realized this mistake. Perhaps I became too clingy too. And now, if ever I get single again, it doesn’t matter. It is still my job to love myself and make myself happy. 


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