Loved by Aunts

After a very long time, I have been reunited with my aunts and cousins again last night. Not only was I welcomed very warmly, but I was touched by the sense of familiarity and belongingness that I have missed for a long time. I especially felt the feminine power radiated by my aunts and my mother as they talked to each other. They were like puppies playing and barking at each other. And I was left wondering in my seat, how come I belonged to them when I felt I was the only one different? But this feeling of “being different” that I have always sensed since I was young was given a good meaning last night – because last night, my aunts were very drawn to me and among us cousins, their attention was on me.

My aunts were very jovial. As they were chattering and bickering over trivial matters, they were consulting me for my opinions. I felt very important that my viewpoints were given much importance now. They even laugh at my statements! Well, maybe it’s because I’m an adult now. But it was a new feeling. All my life I’ve hidden under my shell of shyness, but they don’t belittle me now unlike people normally do many years before. All my life people have treated me like something’s wrong with me. All my life they have perceived me as a helpless person. But this time, I am a part of the family. They loved my company, even if all I could give them was my presence. I still couldn’t blab noisily and breathlessly the way I do during one-on-one interactions, but it really felt good to be in the company of mature women. It felt like I had a sort of feminine empowerment within me.

Out of the blue my aunts just started to compliment me of my beauty. One by one they joined in, and for a moment I was like, “Oh, stop it you!” but they insisted that I was really the most beautiful of all their nieces and that I was a combination of all the beautiful blessings of nature – a beautiful hair, beautiful nose, beautiful face, beautiful heart, and an intelligent mind. I flushed and was about ready to burst because my mother really don’t recognize those traits of mine so I grew up thinking that I am worse than anybody else and that I should work harder no matter what I achieve. All my life I was thinking that I wasn’t enough. Luckily my aunts just knew what to say to me. I love them. At least they appreciate what kind of niece they have. When they grow old and helpless, I vow to myself to take care of them in my own little ways. 

Insights on Astrology and the Occult

I have four months of summer vacation, and I spend it on studying astrology, karma, unseen beings, and other aspects of the occult. I am not planning on becoming a witch, you know, but there is something alluring about these subjects. I feel as if I am missing out on a lot of ancient knowledge that I ought to know, and is also crucial for my survival. I am not a girl who follows fashion trends all the time, and I prided myself on doing whatever I want and not caring about what others say. I’d probably lose interest if half of the world took interest in the real study of astrology, where natal charts are involved. I like knowing things that other people don’t. I’m possessive that way. This is certainly not part of my academic curriculum, for these topics that I’m dying to master are branches of the forbidden knowledge. Still, there is some sort of magnetic pull that triggers my curiosity.

It’s impossible to master these things in just a few months, but I’m glad that I’m already well acquainted with the occult sciences. There are just so many things that our science teachers can’t explain, but we know deep in our hearts that they've always been here. The universe is full of mysteries that even the human brain cannot comprehend. Now I know why the Bible warns us to not be worldly, and get in touch with our spirituality all the time. For me, this forbidden knowledge is not available for everyone, for one has to dig deeper into things to fully understand. I have also read somewhere that King Solomon was called the “wise king” because he had a lot of knowledge of the occult. Even the “halos” put on famous spiritual figures on paintings were in fact their “auras,” but it takes a spiritual person to believe. It’s because not all of us see auras. Some people just have gifts and open sixth senses that they see, feel, and know a lot more than a normal human being.

But sometimes, those calculators of our astrological birth charts have their flaws too. I find mine to be inaccurate. I get different results in Vedic astrology and Western astrology, but I can’t have a split soul! I was born as me, and I am me. Although they help me define who I really am (which I am always dying to know), I hate getting confused regarding my identity. You see, I guess my sole purpose in life is to find my individuality. I won’t allow the society to define who I am, because the stars have already molded me before I was born. And I don’t really get the difference between Vedic and Western astrology. One says that I am a Cancer rising, and the other says that I am a Leo rising. I don’t fucking like getting confused there because I am fucking emotional and dreamy and I fucking love attention so much too. I just study astrology to understand myself and other people and realize my own hidden strengths, but I don’t think that it seals my destiny. The stars’ job is to guide you to the path that you must and must not take and warn you to the possible danger that comes your way, but your destiny is entirely up to you. We were given free will to make our own reality.

I don’t really have plans on becoming a witch (not all people who study occult are that extreme), but as we all know, knowledge is power. I use this to strengthen my sense of self. I use this to know what makes people tick. I use this to practice delving into the souls of people so I may have good relationships with them. I use this to understand the deeper mysteries that humans are not aware of. Nowadays, we try to control everything through technology. But no matter how intelligent and capable we are as humans, we must understand that we are still no match compared to the Supreme Being where all source of life and energy came from. We can’t have greater power than the Great Creator and Destroyer. By studying occult, I also get  to know how amazing our God is, how great his unending knowledge is, and how great his love for all the souls that exist in the whole universe is. 

On Being the Slut, the Other Woman, or the Fling-Thing

You probably already know that historically, I was a very unattractive girl. I was the type who goes for straight-A’s, with hair always in a low ponytail, lots of pimples, and just a plain classmate whom you would normally “friendzone” as a guy. Other than that, I was born with a very low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. I always seek for approval which I don’t usually get – because as I have stated earlier, I wasn’t pretty. I was a sucker for compliments deep inside, because I wanted to treat this deep wound that I had since childhood. I often retreated to a world of my own and wrote in journals. I felt like no one understood me but me. Yes shy and introverted girls, I am one of you. And no matter what I do, I just can’t invade all the bars in the world just to improve my social status. Crowds full of phony extroverts disgust me.

And it came to that point where I became very desperate. As soon as I started college, I improved my looks, changed the way I dress, and grew my hair long. I pestered Google just to know what the secrets of beauty, attractiveness, and charisma are. I reflected on what my flaws were and tried really hard to change myself for the better. I just had that intense desire to be admired so much for everything, especially for my beauty. Ever since I was little I already had that dream; but I kind of ignored it because I thought I just had to wait for adulthood for me to have big boobs and ass. But right now, I’m already an adult. Everything was up to me, for I had no fairy godmother. But the fruits of my labor already showed up a few months later. I was prettier and I had more admirers. I finally had men who crush on me when they see me personally. It was already a big achievement for me because I only had my boyfriends earlier in life due to texting. Those weren’t serious relationships that I had, but back then I didn’t care about the fact that not getting taken seriously in love is already a big disappointment. There must be something wrong with me, I thought.

For almost two years in college, I had a bit too much of flings and relationships with random men who just got attracted after seeing me or hearing me sing (yes, it’s the insecure me who’s boldly talking). Some of them were even heartthrobs and I had an instant self-esteem boost because of that. Some of them were fucking handsome, and some probably had only charm, but they all had desirable traits in them that would have made me give up my womb to them if only I was a slut. It’d be too hard to describe my unique experiences with each one of them, but they shared this one deed in common – they all broke my heart. Yes, with this girl that almost all passersby would drool over (I’m exaggerating); they managed to break her heart and leave her without any explanations. At first they seem to be laying their hearts on my feet, but in the end they’ll just treat me like shit with lots of flies hovering over. I don’t even know what turns them off, I was just being me! But a few of them told me that some jealous girls told them bad things about me which aren’t even true. I had no friends, you know. Just jealous enemies. I’d sound like a terrible, terrible person if I addressed this as #PrettyProblems, but that was how I lived in the past two years. I loved male attention, but I couldn’t get a serious boyfriend because no one took me seriously. I had a slutty reputation.

I even did those things that I couldn’t believe I did. I had this huge crush on an older schoolmate and we hugged and kissed passionately on one acquaintance party. I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend! And I also kissed another older schoolmate of mine that I also had a crush on only to find out that he plans to court my classmate. Those jerks! And there’s a lot more escapades that resulted from the intense longing of my heart, but all I gained was a slutty reputation. I was fooled, you know. I had no intention of ruining relationships. In fact, I wanted so bad to have one of my own. These incidents affected my social life and my self-esteem. I wasn’t a true-blue bitch, so experiencing those was a very big blow to me. I realized that I am not being respected by men. I realized that I was always taken for granted. Or only wanted for my sexuality. And so, I tried to withdraw from all that chaos and improve myself some more. I needed to have a comeback. I am a goddess.

Now I have a boyfriend who terribly loves me. He is like a soldier in protecting me, as if people are always trying to grab me from him. Finally, this guy has a perfect image of me. His friends are the biggest “chickboys” of the town, and he brags about me everywhere he goes. What’s even flattering is that this guy had handsome competitors, but I just had to show everyone that the one who treats me with overpowering love and respect is the one who gets me. My male friends and acquaintances even shower me with praises, affection, and attention now when they used to just ignore me back then. I’ve risen from a doormat to a royalty. From these painful experiences, I’ve learned great lessons. If you wanted to be treated with respect, respect yourself first. I’ve learned that there is no middle ground between a doormat and a goddess, and it’s up to you whether you’ll choose one or the other. Sometimes we have to be painfully burned to be able to rise from the ashes, like a phoenix.

Girl Insecurities

That girl is probably just insecure, blah blah nananana boo boo.

And that’s the problem with girls. WE ARE ALL INSECURE. Some girls just appear confident because they are adept at concealing their feelings of insecurity. Even the prettiest people have something to dislike about themselves. Even supermodels get insecure. Every girl wants to achieve perfection, but the thing is, even the most perfect woman in our eyes is still secretly bugged by her flaws. Being a girl or a woman is actually a great thing, but one of the things that make it hard is the society’s expectation of beauty for every female species. That is why we constantly compare ourselves to other girls.

We have different things to complain about. Some girls are fat, some are anorexic. Everyone wants a model figure, or a super curvy one, but Mother Nature failed to give them a beautiful feminine figure. Some girls complain about their skin – their acne, acne scars, knee scars, skin diseases, complexion, dark underarms and groin, or uneven skin tone. Sexy models have flat tummies, so we feel bad about our fat tummies or side bellies. Some girls don’t like their hair – straight ones want curls, while curly ones want their hair to be straightened. Some girls get depressed over their flat chests and flat asses because being able to flaunt your sexiness adds great points in attractiveness. Some girls hate that they are too big or too petite. Some get annoyed by their ugly eyebrows, ugly feet, mustache, crooked teeth, stretch marks, double chin, puffy eye bags, dark circles, too broad shoulders or jaws that are too masculine.

Too much of these insecurities give us a very low self-esteem, which negatively affects our daily life performance. Sometimes we feel so bad about our appearance that we get insecure of our skinny or pretty friends. We avoid sitting or standing next to a pretty girl because she makes us feel and look like shit. We avoid getting noticed on the streets so as to not hear negative comments about our appearance. We get depressed and all that, and what makes it harder is when we come across a very beautiful girl. It’s like a hard slap in the face. We care so much about what other people think that it hurts us. Sometimes we just have to stop comparing ourselves to other girls and accept each other and move on.

Nobody is born perfect. We all have flaws, and what matters most is how we deal with it. Having lots of insecurities is not the end of the world, you know. And instead of bawling out, you better treat them one by one if you want. If you’re fat, then go on a diet and exercise a lot. Use your insecurity as a motivation to be better. Learn to love what you have and everything follows. Remember that being beautiful is being able to overcome your insecurities and imperfections. Smile! The world is not a beauty pageant, girl. Show everyone that you are more than just your appearance. Your body is just a covering to your soul which is the most important part of you. :)

Fair-Skinned Pinays = Beautiful?

Marian Rivera, a half-Spanish Filipina actress 

When I was a little girl, I’ve always been attracted to fair-skinned women with balanced features. I don’t know why, but I really don’t find morenas to be on the same level as the Snow Whites, as the former give me the impression that they’re on the lower social class. Even though some people love the glow of tanned skin, as a young girl, I honestly get repulsed by them and stare longer at the mestizas instead, even though I am also morena, being born a Filipina. Most of the time, those Snow Whites that I found pretty back then often had foreign blood (i.e. American or German) in them. And I guess this is how I developed colonial mentality as a kid.

It’s strange to know that foreigners adore the natural tan that Filipinos have. While they spend lots of money on tanning themselves, here we are also splurging on whitening products. We always want what we can’t have, you know. We’re not contented with what God gave us. And have you noticed that whether a woman is half-Chinese, half-Japanese, half-Italian, or half-American, they’re always beautiful to the Filipinos as long as they are fair-skinned? Because Philippines is a tropical country, and has a cruel sun above it, fair skinned people there are regarded as very attractive because they give the impression that they are wealthy, pampered, and not made to work under the sun. Whether they admit it or not, Filipinos automatically get attracted to fair-skinned women, sometimes regardless of their facial features. “Basta maputi, pwede na yan!”

Most guys I know often crushes on fair-skinned pretty girls. My current boyfriend said that I got his attention because of my fair complexion. And most fair-skinned girls (who are also blessed with facial beauty) claim to be headturners and get more male attention that the pretty morenas. It seems like everywhere you go, as long as you’re here in the Philippines, you’ll get more male stares when you have a porcelain skin especially when your white legs are also exposed. Yes, for a lot of Pinoys, “fair-skinned Pinays = beautiful” is a fact. White girls look cleaner than the sunkissed ones. And cleanliness is a big factor when guys check out on girls. Having white skin makes it easier for them to reflect the sunlight, making them look radiant and blooming. The radiance of their skin is a bit blinding to guys. When you’re a Filipina, having fair skin would automatically add 100 ganda points.

Yes I know it’s very unfair, when most Filipinas are born with natural tan. Would you just agree that all fair-skinned Pinays are automatically beautiful? Of course not. True beauty is seen in the balanced facial features and mesmerizing smiles. It is manifested through a girl’s elegance and confidence. It is through her magnetic aura and headturning presence. Whether you’re a mestiza or a morena, it doesn’t really matter. A beautiful woman is beautiful, regardless of her race or skin color. 
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