Deadly Envy

It took me about two years and a half to really admit that I am indeed envious of her. Because it takes so much pain, hard lessons, and such a hard bang on the head to be to be very self-aware, especially of the demons that you contain inside of you. It also takes so much courage to accept your own dark side when society (esp. religious) deems it unacceptable and worthy of hell. Yet this is me. I am made of up of complex parts whether people would point out which is black or white. But this envy isn’t caused by wrath, lust, or whatever. My intense envy from her stems from my own feeling of hopelessness, that I could ever become a great thing or that I deserve love from anyone. It started from the way I was raised at home. It started from the self-abandonment that resulted from it. And I either had to face these demons and heal them or ignore them and have them pestering me all my life.

When we are envious of someone, we don’t have to destroy them, take them down from their current level, treat them badly or ruin their reputation – because the problem is in ourselves, not in them. But take note that that envy is sending us a message from our inner core. Our envy is a sign. Perhaps through that we may become aware of our desires, deep desires, and that leads us to discovering what our true purpose in life is. And envy is an indicator of what we lack that we see in others – and that leads us to work on our deficiencies in order to feel whole and happy. Envy feels bad, but when you look at the big picture, it is a good thing. Because in my case, she became my inspiration to be better. Now that I have truly admitted that I am envious of her, I no longer have this subconscious uneasiness when I’m around her because I finally know that it’s just the green-eyed monster in me. And she’s such a great inspiration because in order to defeat my inner green-eyed monster, I must do anything in my power to either be equal to her, or be even greater. That way I’ll gain enough self-confidence to think that my efforts to become like her were a folly – and that I am great enough in my own way.

I envy her so much – but not to the point that I envy her whole being and existence. I love her self-confidence. I love her bravery. I love how she is so physically attractive, likeable, and sexually appealing. I love her fashion choices. I love her face, I love her body. I love her wealthy and comfortable life. I love how she gets what she wants without any efforts. I love how she lives a magical life which apparently has no suffering. I love how many people are there for her. Yet I have many good points that she lacks. For God is so fair. She doesn’t have my artistic side. She doesn’t have my singing, dancing, and acting talents. She cannot write creatively as I do. She doesn’t think like a poet or a hopeless romantic like I do. She doesn’t experience as much suffering as I learn from. She isn’t exposed to the harsh reality of life as I am. She doesn’t have to struggle that much. Everything is pretty much provided for her – while I am very lucky to be given a chance to find my own way up. My life is filled with so much excitement and challenges that I only interpreted as suffering. She doesn’t have these inner negativities that I learn from. And I am very self-aware ever since my early teen years, when I started journaling and watching my own thoughts flow. The world looks at her as an ideal of perfection, but we all know that she is not. Not yet. And I work behind the scenes to copy and learn from her as much as possible, to add her admirable traits to mine.

When you don’t recognize your envy or admit that you actually experience it with a certain person, it kills you. Your subconscious mind makes you do ugly things in your resistance to it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve avoided that girl ever since I’ve felt something peculiar about her, only to find that feeling get worse and worse every time we meet. I was filled with prejudice, and I only found bad things to dislike about her to justify this bad feeling that I did not know was envy. And as I have mentioned earlier, it took me a long time to finally accept this envy. It freed me from much of the negativities in my body. Because contrary to popular belief, accepting that you are indeed envious is not equivalent to accepting defeat. You do not lose by feeling your green-eyed monster in the depths of your soul, because humans are supposed to feel human emotions, whether we label them as good or bad. It is, in fact, a helpful indication. Setting your insecurities aside, it pushes you to self-improvement. It pushes you to think of yourself first. Because in the way I see it, living on this earth is a constant quest for self-awareness and self-improvement. Envy only kills you when you try to ignore it.  It tortures you until you finally recognize it. Because these feelings, whether they may be positive or negative, have something to tell us. These “feelings” are our keenest “sixth sense” to receive messages from the universe. 

For a Newly Improved Girl

1. Beautiful Long Hair with no Split Ends

2. Healthy Body

3. Clear Face

4. An "Acceptable" Height

5. More than 8 Hours of Sleep

6. Gallons of Water Daily

7. Bathing Twice a Day

8. Exercise

9. Mental Nourishment

10. A Bit of Rebellion

A Provoked Phoenix

For people who are too passive, docile, and don’t know in which direction they should lead their lives – sometimes getting provoked is the best way to get them into action. For a long time I didn’t give a shit about people who always criticize me, ruin my reputation, or always let me down, but I guess now is the right time to fight back. No, I don’t mean to cause violent commotion – but I think I should now take action to help myself now. I can’t take it anymore, so I’m fighting back. If the people around me are constantly causing me to feel bad about myself and are always getting me to delve into the lowest vibrations of hopelessness, then perhaps it’s time to just think about myself and not bother pleasing anyone anymore. Someone just poked me into feeling very bitter, that I suddenly became inspired to become better.

Majority of the human population say that the key to happiness is to accept yourself and not bother about what other people think. However, there are times when we shouldn’t just accept ourselves the way we are now because that means having to stay in the current level that we are in. Isn’t it amazing how jealousy, envy, anger, indignation, and grief spur us to grow enormously or transform into better creatures? Why, it isn’t wrong to be pushed into action by negative feelings because it is the only way to move on when we’re in a bottomless pit of negativity for a long time. Certainly the best way to be successful is to take action from a feeling of inspiration, positivity and hope; but hurt people definitely cannot do that. I cannot be inspired when I’m wounded and afflicted. It’s more like I am plotting revenge against no particular person. I am plotting revenge against life who is my enemy. And I’m going to make life my poor little servant.

I always make little lists of resolutions to be followed for my own betterment, but I don’t really follow them. I always make lists of the things I’m grateful for, yet I still feel grave discontentment. I always make lists of what I like about myself, yet I still suffer from self-deprecation and a low self-esteem. It seems like I always fail to elevate myself into a high spiritual, intellectual, and physical state. But like I’ve said earlier, I’ve already had enough. Another year is already approaching, so the earth must prepare for a new me. Yes, I will totally transform myself. And when I say “transform,” what I mean is that I will be unrecognizable, I will be a hundred times healthier, and I will be a thousand times more successful. And the best way to do this is to go far, far away, hide myself for a little while, and focus on what makes me happy. It’s now time to be very selfish.

This time, I am determined to move away from the negative people who are jealous and are doing me harm. Staying in this hellish space would only deteriorate my physical, mental, and psychological health; and having little problems about some silly demons would only hinder my growth. Because you see, I have been burnt and defeated for the last few years that I am now determined to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Excruciating injuries from common rocks made me realize that I am a diamond in the rough. I wouldn’t settle for anything third-rate now, you know. My soul is burning with so much wrath that it aches for vengeance. But I have heard from someone I don’t remember that even if we don’t do anything, the universe will just bestow bad karma to the people who deserve it. I don’t want to exact vengeance that is very awesome to behold, so I will just take care of myself, improve my life, and just basically become a much better woman so I could just rise above the situation to the point that I will be too great to even think about them.

But it’s all thanks to several years of pain and suffering that I’m going to move forward. No one should be looking down on me anymore. No one should be destroying me anymore. Because I don’t care about pleasing anyone anymore. And yet it isn’t necessary for anyone to know my plans. But it’s enough for them to know that since then, I am ever-changing, and ever-evolving. You can’t blame me for having a great loathing for those people – because when people destroy me, they really destroy me. And I always get destroyed, defeated. I always cry, and I always gain a bad reputation. So for now – at least for now – holding on to the grave inner pain that was engraved upon my heart would be my source of inspiration. I still have not gotten out of a spiral of negativity, but I promise to the whole universe that I am certainly a phoenix who will rise from the ashes. 

After Two Years

It has been two years since we met each other for the first time. And it has been almost two years and a half since we foolishly fell in love with each other. It was puppy love, yes – for we were only “kids” back then (at least, according to our ates and kuyas). Our romantic tale ended abruptly, and it was very devastating for me. Lots of people told you that I had lots of men in my life, but they were only tools so I could forget you easily. They amused me so much because they found me so pretty and attractive that they were willing to be my little dogs. And that was because I had a very low self-esteem, you know. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough for you. I thought I did not deserve you. So when you disappeared from my reality, I hardened and became a bitch to my other “little dogs”.

Two years ago, we struggled for a common free time to be together. It’s like you studied in North Pole, and I studied in South Pole. The time you would go home to your South Pole was the same time I would be going back to my North Pole. But then twelve hours ago, a classmate invited me to go to your South Pole to meet your sister because our organization wanted to conduct a writing workshop on your high school. We immediately met your sister (and your mother too, surprisingly) via pump boat as we reached your hometown. Your sister started teasing me about you, but then I maintained a poker face because I overheard them talking about you being seen with a girlfriend who is twenty-five years old (which means six years older than us). But I also have a boyfriend right now who calls me a pig – so basically, any meaningful act or thought between or about us would seem adulterous. We just can’t reach each other anymore. And I already gave up any hope of looking at your eyes or holding your hands. I didn’t really care anymore.

When we reached your alma mater, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was stepping on the grounds where you spent your high school days. I was envisioning all sorts of things about you, and I didn’t care whether the nuns that manage your former school were frowning upon my short shorts. I tried to be preoccupied, I quietly waited for your sister’s return. I looked around, saw teenagers in uniform and got slightly irritated as my own high school life was destroyed by my bitter teachers who did not want me to have a happy high school romance. My mind went back to the stories that you told me about yourself back then. You freely had your girlfriends in high school while people around me gossiped nastily about me the moment I got a boyfriend. My classmate was busy talking to one of the teachers about our proposed activities on your school while my mind was wandering back in time, trying to remember your face. I deny missing you on the surface, yet I know that I really do. I hate feeling that way when it was you in the first place who gave up on me. I did not want to look like I was chasing after you. Never again.

I was so caught up in my own mind that I didn’t notice that one button has fallen from my blouse. My little breasts were in danger of being seen, so my classmate and I walked out of your school and searched for a store that sells safety pins. I bought two, fixed my blouse, and walked while gossiping about other people. When we reached the highway, my classmate decided that we go to a nearby beach, but I was so hesitant that I said no right away when she asked for my opinion. Then we bought two ice candies at a nearby store, and walked slowly back to your school. After about ten steps, my friend repeatedly mentioned your name but I ignored her. I was serenely eating my ice candy when I saw you riding as a passenger on a motorcycle, going to the direction which we were also headed to, and you looked behind as if you knew what’s going on. My eyes popped out and your face showed the same look of surprise.

The motorcycle you were riding on kept on going, but you also kept on looking back at me as if you couldn’t believe your luck. My friend then started teasing me. But I stayed still, incapable of deciding of how I should react. We just saw each other after two years! Yet like the old kind of fate that we had back then, chance did not give us much time to spend time together. It’s like we were just permitted to take a glimpse of each other after a long time, and that was it. I did not know what to think. But I was happy, I guess. I was happy that I saw you again. I was happy that you took time to look at me. And I was happy that you looked back at me several times. But then I wondered, have you found me prettier and deserving of your love now? I wonder if I ever touched your heart at that moment like how you touched my heart. I was secretly smiling, you know.

As we were walking towards your school, my friend and I found a waiting shed and sat there for a little while to chat. However, I was still stupefied by what happened earlier. Almost ten or fifteen minutes passed, and she was mentioning your name repeatedly again. But I already knew what she was talking about, so I froze. You wanted to talk to me, or to us, but you were only looking at my friend, making it seem like you were only communicating with her. But I can see that you just can’t look me in the eye or get near me. You were trying to tame me, I guess, as my eyes were intent on your face, by waving to me while not exactly looking into my face. And when you did, you couldn’t help but smile. You were such a little boy that I could really sense how shy you were in my presence when you are normally confident and charming. I knew that you really wanted to go near us, and basically talk to me, but my friend was there and you were too shy to face me. So when you finally went at loss for words, you just said bye-bye to us and you went away with the motorcycle driver. I didn’t know what to feel anymore.

We went back to your school because you told us that the principal was already back. The guard asked us if we have seen you because you asked him if he saw two maidens walking around the campus. I blushed at this, for I did not expect you to care so much. We wanted to talk to the principal, and we wanted to wait for the return of your sister, but we suddenly saw Sir Riley (our history professor) and Sir Hall with the principal. We naturally knew then that we would be going with them back home to our boarding houses and apartments near the university. We happily talked with the two professors with the principal at the canteen – but yes, I was still thinking about you. Even the most mirthful chitchats couldn’t measure up to our smiles and meaningful silences earlier. Suddenly I became nostalgic. My mind went back to the times when we first got attracted to each other through the pictures that your sister was showing us, when you told me: Andaman mo lang kung indi ta magdayunay, and when you kissed me on the forehead to say goodbye for good. Two years has quickly passed; but it was a very long time, isn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t the girl that I used to be back then. Probably you have also matured a bit too, but something still stays the same, I guess. You said before that there were no “sparks” between us, yet I could feel it powerfully in our coy, still, and silent interactions earlier. I was supposed to leave alone all our memories in the past, yet I felt a tinge of hope. Perhaps it was just the ugly first chapter. I don’t know.

After we finished our business there, we went inside the car following the two professors. I realized just now how dramatic that moment was: I didn’t know that you were already walking towards us from afar, and that you clearly saw us getting inside the car the moment you stepped into the campus. Inside the car, I saw you walking so I opened the door and shouted your name. You heard it, saw the two American professors and got a little bit shy so you just smiled at the car (not at a particular person) and continued walking. The professors asked me if you were a “special friend.” I just coyly smiled and everyone in the car laughed. They knew you were. But I secretly wished that you still were.

I just thought about you all the way back.

I wonder if we will ever meet again, and what will happen next. 

Enmity among Women

Enmity among women is seen everywhere – and has existed since the antediluvian times until now. It is being introduced to children in fairytales (with all those wicked stepmothers and jealous stepsisters), and gets experienced by all women growing up, especially during their teenage years, and probably until they get middle-aged. It is made more complicated by our their passive aggressiveness (probably caused by the passivity of being feminine) – they’d get annoyed at you without any reason at all, and one day you will just get surprised that they’ve already taken steps for your downfall. Women are far more dangerous than men, for we fight when no one’s looking (e.g. making sure to destroy the enemy's reputation first) and we can also control or dictate the minds of our male counterparts especially if they’ve laid their hearts on our beautiful feet. For ages, women have been labeled as the “weaker sex,” but we must remember Shakespeare’s quote if we want to know the truth: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Enmity among women may be caused by different reasons; but if you get in one girl’s way, expect the boiling blood to get back at you even though you may not feel it. I’m not saying that all women are inclined to get their revenge, but you can get lashed out for the pettiest reasons – and that’s the danger of having emotions prevail over logic in a woman’s being. Usually women have catfights because of men, jealousy because of men, and silent competition because of men. Women who don’t know any better think that they exist only to impress, get, and make love to a lot of men. And so, you’ll know that you’ve encountered small minds when they get very hostile because of men and beauty. Yes, beauty can also be a trigger for a woman’s hatred, as beauty is a powerful weapon to get the attention of Adam’s descendants easily. So most of the time, women who just have been accidentally blessed by nature’s beauty usually get a lot of glares and easily spread gossips about them. And as a woman, I rather think that it’s hard to be one for insecurities are our main drives for doing something (whether good or bad) most of the time.

But wouldn’t it be nice if all women in the world would be in harmony with each other? After all, we are all pieces of ribs taken from every Adam’s side. We are the physical manifestations of the divine feminine, so we all have these innate gentleness, delicateness, softness, warmth, and charm that could put any being to a peaceful slumber. We live in a feminist generation, but these feminine qualities of ours should not be resisted, but instead embraced – for nothing’s wrong with being soft and vulnerable anyway. I rather think that women were labeled as the “weaker sex” not because men hate us, but for them to have a reason to protect and love us as if we’re pieces of rare jewels that should be cherished and not “hard” rocks that only get passed by. We are all bestowed beauty by some unseen forces, and because of the emotional warmth bestowed to us by the moon, we are safe in each other’s bosoms. So instead of focusing on having enmity with other women, it would be better to think that we are all sisters who protect each other in this cruel world. Power is greater when wombs are united. And that, for me, is the true “women empowerment”.

The Padlock and the Key

I asked my boyfriend what made him fall for me at first sight. He answered that I just looked so beautiful, pure, and innocent in my white dress during a close friend’s birthday party. Like some other fellow, he gazed at me frequently, and for long periods of time. When I caught him staring at me, he said that he liked how I was so unassuming despite his obvious gestures of showing his interest. He was also amused at how I tore the pig skin of lechon with my bare hands while daintily wearing my flowing flimsy dress – I looked like I just happily broke a rule of being a lady.

I think I’ve already had enough male friends and lovers to declare this observation: most men love feminine women, and they still hold on to old-fashioned ideals of women whether they admit it or not. They’d gladly fuck every sexy body of desperate whores, but they want their ladies to be pretty and chaste. I am not a feminist, nor am I very old-fashioned and traditional – but I am a virgin. This is not a boast; in fact, I’m really curious about how sex might feel but my boyfriend is very resolute in not trying to touch me. Whether it’s coming from true respect or just fear that he might treat me like trash the moment I get deflowered – I don’t really know, but I’d rather think that he intended to let me know of his pure intention.

He had already made love with several women (the number is too vexing to mention), so I find it unfair that he still wants me to be a virgin. In fact he also said that the moment he finds out that I’ve had sex with even just two or three men, he wouldn’t bother just looking at my face again. Yes, he’s very sexist, but he just represents the whole population of sexist men which is still too many even though we’re already in the 21st century. Being so indignant about this, I asked him why men want to fuck as many women as possible yet they’d only love women who are chaste and are not easy to get. This was his answer:

“Think about it this way: women are like padlocks and men are like keys. When a key gets to open as many padlocks as possible, what do you call that? A master key! That’s why a man gets admired for his sexual conquests. Women are like padlocks because they have the purpose of protecting something. If a padlock can be opened by just any key, what do you call that? A worthless padlock.”

I was amazed by his wit, and pondered about it for a moment. He has a point, right? Yet, the gender stereotypes are still there. Women are seen as puzzles that need to be solved, oysters that need to be opened, and treasure chests that need to be dug – and when we give in too easily, or open up too easily, we somehow lessen our value. Sad but true. We are no more than commodities here in this male-dominated world; we are the beautiful Orient that needed to be conquered and subjugated by the West. Women and men are equals, yet women are designed in a way wherein they’d really have no choice but to be chaste as much as possible until the right one comes along. We have hymen which when torn can never be undone again, and the emotions and sensitivity of the moon which makes it hard for us to make love to someone with no strings attached.

An Angry Letter of Love


            Of course your sudden coolness perplexed me; it made me wonder what I have done wrong, or what in the world I did to get you annoyed. Your past warmth had gone into oblivion, and I was left wondering where the soul of my dear friend had gone. I was hurt – deeply hurt indeed, for I gave you everything; I never tire of giving you affection in exchange of yours. I love you so much, but I cannot stand your sudden rudeness. Suddenly you’re so far away, but you try to conceal your deep-seated anger towards me. Do you honestly think that I’m stupid? Because I feel everything. I know what goes on. But I hate that you can’t even confront me face to face about something that my own conscience doesn’t even know about.

            Your subtle gestures of hatred – I feel it all. And you very well know that I only thrive on warmth that I cannot stand a cold shoulder. But I will endure it all; yes, I can endure it all. And I also know very well that I’ve been a very good friend to you. I just can’t accept those little annoyances that you have about me which only proves that you aren’t being that genuine to me – for a true friend accepts his friend wholly with all those imperfections. I’m not washing my hands clean, but it’s true that I accept you for who you are. I just can’t accept the fact that sometimes, those who you lean on the most get to hurt you the most. And you’re just doing it with your sudden indifference. I try hard not to dwell on this, but it’s you who has to be warned of being careful of hurting me. It may not be obvious but I can see through your weaknesses. I can see through your tough armor that hides your brittle flesh.

            In terms of physical violence, I am a very harmless person. You still have to reach my boiling point (which is 10,000 Celsius) for me to be tempted to break your bones into little pieces. Don’t worry; I’m too soft for that murderous tendency. But my automatic resort is to ignore you back and let your bone marrows feel the hurt that you’ve inflicted upon me. Because someday, I know that you’ll miss the way I cling on your arms. You’ll get uneasy that you cannot already go to me when something bothers you. You’ll miss the moments when you feel feminine and vulnerable when you’re with me. You’ll surely regret ignoring the soft part of you which you see as a weakness. Bit by bit, you’ll be tormented more and more by our mutual indifference to each other; and you’ll start to wonder where our precious moments together will now go. The world sees you as the tough one and me as the fragile one, yet the truth is the opposite. I know it very well despite your efforts of concealment, so don’t you dare sever your ties with me.

            Do I seem like I’m threatening you? Indeed I do, for the battlefield that we’re stepping on isn’t narrow. It’s so vast that I can still run after you despite your raising of your white flag. Remember that a particular wrath incurred in me lasts for ages, so you better watch out. I can play with your negative feelings like guilt and jealousy as I go on living my happy life. People like you are my inspiration for achieving so much. One day you will look back and see that I have risen above the ugly situation that we are in now, that I am not even fit to be your silent enemy ever again. So yes, dear friend, I am still hoping that you change your mind because things will really get ugly.

Much love

Lost Friendships, Lasting Friendships

I only understood what “friendship over” really meant when I started going to college. I wasn’t really the war freak type of girl, but Cancer Moon’s great influence on my being caused me to be moody and sensitive to my surroundings, and very vulnerable in friendships and romantic relationships. Some people just like to hurt you in every way – and my only response to those kinds of situations is to sulk and walk away. It’s normal to get hurt, but the perpetrators usually have the same or greater reaction: they get angry at me too and get revenge as if it was me who has done them wrong. And that’s how I get enemies. Sometimes I can’t help but think that they’re jealous of me in some way, because I really am sensitive to the feelings of other people that I am careful of hurting them. But what makes me rather proud is that it seems like the gods have filtered the bad people and prevents them from coming deeper into my life – even in a harsh way such as making them my enemies. Because every enemy I make, if only they were a book, gets a lot of bad reviews from people.

I have also noticed in myself that I never settle for shallow relationships – it’s either we dive deep or I don’t go with you at all. Perhaps it’s because I believe that my trust is sacred, that I’d get utterly destroyed once it has been broken. I have also noticed that every time I have a close friend, there never comes a time where our friendship gets tested. During that “Great Test” which only fate schedules in my life, some kind of an incident tries whether it’s “friendship over” or “friends forever.” It’s always black and white for me. I actually find it interesting. I understand that not all friendships need to be deep, but I really am not the type of person who you shouldn’t only be with in times of joy – I must be with a friend who keeps me company even when drowned in misery. I want friends, or even just one friend, who is willing to drown with me in a lake of fire.

I once had a fight with Desry, a very close friend, when I was still new in the boarding house that I currently live in. Out of the blue I just said that I really like her to be my friend – maybe because I just easily sense good vibes from good people – but that I have a tendency to be clingy. It freaked her out; and she got into a bad mood until a few hours later but she didn’t also know why. Or maybe she didn’t just wanna say why. Later that night, our group of friends went into an OPM Night where people play slow romantic Tagalog songs. I was singing to her face when she just later burst into anger. She blurted out that she hated pink, girly girls, crybabies, and any quality that I had. I was stunned by her sudden outburst that for a minute I didn’t know how to react. I stormed out of the event and I reached my room crying. I cried for about an hour. She also didn’t know what to do, and asked helped from our friends. A little later she came up to me and apologized. We both cried and she even admitted her deepest fears and sorrows to me. After that night, she suddenly had a feeling of responsibility towards me, that she must protect me from anything. We were always together from then on. Now she treats me as her best friend that her close friends here sometimes get jealous of me. That’s one story of how I got a “friend forever”.

I also have one close friend whom I treated as my own sister because we tend to agree about every single thing, and partly because she’s so cute and we were always mistaken as twins. I treasured her the most, in my opinion, but after about a year someone tried to rob her from me. And she didn’t do anything – she just let herself be carried away by that girl, even if it means hurting me. Then she started ignoring me bit by bit, and I cried for days because I wasn’t used to that sudden change. I was like a little girl trying to run away from everything at that time, I was so confused, I was far away from my usual self, and they just started to annoy the crap out of me and my roommates. Like they weren’t satisfied of hurting me and shooing me away; they also wanted to let everyone know how happy they are and how miserable I am. I had a justifiable anger. But they don’t. I could feel their wrath for me by just feeling their mere presence. And that’s the hardest thing for me ever: making my very best friend my enemy because she treats me like one. It hurts that your former best friend now feels like cursing you. It hurts that almost every day you hope for that person to come back to you but it won’t. But time decides on everything. Sometimes time itself does the cracks on your friendship and makes it irreparable – but if time has already decided, we can do nothing but to accept what happened. Some people aren’t just meant to remain in your life, and not every friendly face is meant to be your true friend.

Lately, times have been tough for me; but the people who really wanted my company started to show bit by bit. Not all of them know what happened, but they still express concern for me. I was touched because that incident made me think that I was a bad person, but there are still people who won’t leave you in the pit of suffering no matter what. There are still people who love every bit of your quirks and imperfections and are proud of being with you. They try to understand your mood swings. Because these people love you no matter what, even if they can only show it by arguing with you. They quarrel with you, pull your hair, say hurtful things at your face, but they still won’t leave your side. Because of that incident, I finally learned what true friends really are.

We shouldn’t be scared of being left alone, because the only true friend that we need is ourselves. It’s best to love ourselves first. It’s better than just giving all of yourself to people then being left empty-handed when they leave you. And almost everyone is busy taking care of themselves too. Having enemies is not actually a bad thing; sometimes it just means that we can stand up for ourselves and we do not let other people control and manipulate us to satisfy their own desires. Having enemies means that you just won’t accept things as they are, especially when someone is already stepping on your toes. It means that you are real; it means that you can’t afford to smile when it’s really anger and pain that demands to be felt at that time. Sometimes we also have to be selfish enough to remove ourselves away from the people who only does us harm – and just seek the company of your true friends who are as real as you are. 

Runaway Kid

I wanted really bad to belong, and I understand that belongingness starts from the home. I am far from being a delinquent, but I am considered the black sheep of my family still. In every aspect, I just find myself very different from the rest of my family members so I felt rejected at a very young age. My classmates like me though – but there is no problem as serious as having childhood wounds that unconsciously influences your decisions and behavior as you grow up. My parents were cold and emotionally detached, while my sister has a life of her own where I clearly did not belong. Everyone was minding their own business, while I was left alone waiting for one of them to come to me and just hug me. Almost all conflicts and clashes in my home were about me or included me, so I really cursed God, or destiny, or whatever it is to blame when I was in the lowest of my spirits, feeling painfully hopeless. I was so angry at the fact that I was given a family who did not love me.

Growing up, I always sensed hostility from them. It was easy for them to label my sister as the good child, and me as the bad child. My parents continued feeding me and sending me to school so as to avoid being rumored as bad parents, when they clearly did not love me. “Being parents” is not enough to prove your love for your children, for every human being can reproduce but not everyone can feel love for their children. And every child deserves to feel love especially from their own parents. And I grew up discontented and sad because they did not give it to me. They saw me as rebellious and disrespectful, when I just wanted them to listen to what I say. I desperately wanted their attention, yes, but it seemed like voicing out my thoughts and ideas, whatever they are, automatically translates to rebellion when most of the time I didn’t even intend to offend them. They held on to the traditional idea of upbringing that children are nothing compared to their elders, so they do not have the right to even say anything that would seem to contradict their elders. I constantly got abused physically, mentally, and emotionally during my puberty years – and they did it because of fear. They were fearful parents.

My inner scale was confused and was constantly trying to find out whether I love or hate my family. I hated them for all those wounds that they’ve given to my soul, but I was supposed to love them because “God gave them to me”. But how are you supposed to love the people who won’t clearly accept you as you are? They were embarrassed of me despite my achievements in school, because they see me as a problem child. Sometimes when I’m alone, I talk to my inner child: “How could they afford to be embarrassed of having a child who is talented in singing, painting, dancing, and writing?” It wouldn’t benefit me to drown in my own misery so I reminded myself that I am a gift from God to whoever will accept me. I constantly reminded myself of my strengths, but I couldn’t get out of the black hole of my insecurity. “My family pushed me to be like this. I can’t lose in this battle.” So the moment my high school graduation came, I decided to study in a premiere university in the Philippines, no matter how far it was. I thought that I needed a break from family problems.

After two years, when I came back as a new me, and when people around me where looking up to me, they started being proud of their daughter. Whenever my beauty, or success, or any desirable trait of mine gets complimented, they always attribute it to themselves instead of my own blood and sweat without their help. Everywhere we go, people always notice me and I couldn’t fathom whether they’re proud or jealous of me. My mother especially. We have treated each other as enemies because we always fight. She doesn’t listen to me and just acts according to her emotions, not caring whether her actions are already damaging to me. Now she always wants to be with me and always holds my arm when we go out. I don’t know what’s the matter with her, when she always wanted to leave me when I was little. She didn’t like the responsibility of taking care of anything, so I resented her. Now that I was used to their coldness, they go near me. But they not just go near me, they depend on me for anything. Like they just raised me to be their savior or anything. But personally, I think that they did very well on taking care of themselves before, so why can’t they do it now? When everything seems bad, they curse me. But when everything seems fine, they cling on me. They make me want to spew out of my mouth every terrible thing that they’ve done to me when I was younger, and then run away from them.

My four-month vacation from school is nearly over, and I wanted so bad to ride on an airplane and claim my independence again. I can sense fear and insecurity when I go near them, so I can’t stand being inside the house with my parents. Honestly, I’m trying to endure it. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, but after those years of torture, they seem to be putting more weight on my shoulders now that eighteen, and just started becoming an adult. I can sense their inferiority complexes, I can sense the fear where all those bad traits come from. I want to get out of the house because they affect me so much. I want to just love them from afar. We’re not meant to be in one roof, because they make me uncomfortable. They can’t even feel thankful when I do the household chores for them; instead, they tell me that I’m useless. How can I stay in this kind of household? I feel like I did not really come from them – I am so different to even believe that. And that’s why I wanted so bad to run away. I just want to run away every time. 

My Rose Quartz Crystal

I guess a few months back I first knew about crystals, their consciousness, and their healing properties. I thought that the idea was so splendid, for I believed for a long time that only those who are breathing, moving, and growing are living things. They even say that crystals can communicate, and that they can be talkative and funny. But it’s unfortunate that I am not extrasensory to enjoy their consolation and humorous speeches. And even though I have ignored the little crystal-knowledge I had after watching a video of Teal Scott (Swan) because I thought I’d only be spending lots of money for this, a tiny rough crystal unexpectedly made its way into my life.

Yesterday, I went into a mall to buy bathroom products because our summer vacation is nearly over.  I don’t know if I was just unintentionally picking up bad vibes from all around me or I was just literally having a bad hair day – because I trimmed my wavy hair shorter, my hair roots were showing, and I thought I was looking really weird. I guess I was feeling bad that people would judge my looks because I threw away a large percentage of my beauty now that my hair looks weird. After I’ve finished buying all that I had to buy, I was eager to go home immediately. I suddenly had a “social anxiety” because of my shorter hair.

However, on one corner of the mall where the souvenir shops are located, I got immediately drawn to one part of the group of stalls and looked at all of their Palawan shirts. Because I had nothing to do and I was lonely, I looked at dreamcatchers, keychains, and bracelets in a bored manner. Suddenly, I found myself touching a bracelet with red beads and a crystal pendant. The sales lady charmingly asked me what is it that I wanted, because I had softly gasped, “Crystal!” I asked her if the crystal on the bracelet was real and she said yes. There were other bracelets with rough crystals on them but I was drawn into the one with the red beads and a large, rough crystal pendant. The crystal was pale pink and about the size of a big coin, only ten times fatter. The lady said that it was rose quartz and that it was for love. I didn’t care what it was; I just felt a strong connection. I bought the crystal bracelet and had my spirits lifted up right away.

I was convinced that the rose quartz wanted me to be its keeper. When I got home, I immediately googled about the properties of a rose quartz and what it does to a person, and I smiled at what I have read. The rose quartz is a universal crystal for love, evident in its pink color. It gives off gentle energy and heals the heart chakra of emotional wounds and anger. It is also said to attract love into your life and improve your relationships. I was convinced that I needed a rose quartz in my life because I always find myself crying over all kinds of relationships I have or had. And I am a pretty emotional person, that people always tell me to guard my heart. My heart was probably already overused and injured so I was glad to find out that rose quartz gives you self-love and aids your self-worth. It has a very feminine energy that has anything to do with love. It is associated with the planet Venus.

I put this lovely crystal under my pillow before I went to sleep, and I had a very peaceful slumber. I woke up at eleven in the morning. And as this crystal is not a talisman for preventing arguments in relationships, I still found myself arguing with my boyfriend but I noticed that it wasn’t as harsh as what always happens before. Forgiveness came easily (although we fought about a really serious matter), and we were back in harmony again. I still haven’t used this in a month to give you a believable testimony, but I noticed that I’ve been in a pleasant temperament most of the time while wearing the rose quartz bracelet. It would be a miracle to those who really know me, because I am very irritable, I really have a fiery temperament, and I always seem like I bite. 

Being Yourself, Being a Free Spirit, Being Uniquely YOU

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The biggest challenge of living in this world is having the whole world mold you into something they want and you resisting to such unfairness. To free spirits, it is hard to accept being put in a box and have limited capabilities because we all have a divine purpose before coming into this planet and society’s expectations and our fear of being condemned hinders us from fulfilling our destiny. “Be yourself” is probably already a cliché to some people, an advice always given but not always heeded, but it is actually one of the key ingredients to living a successful and fulfilling life in this loving universe.

“…an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.”
– E.A. Bucchianeri

The problem with humanity today is that most people usually count on their heads because they see their hearts as an idiotic and emotional organ that distracts them from reality. However, that is not the case. Listening to our hearts means giving serious attention to our intuition. Our right brain hemisphere actually is the part of our brain which knows the laws of this universe; so listening to it speak to us is like scanning a cheat book of life. I can’t even explain it; it just knows our souls and what it truly desires that our left brains cannot solve logically. So long story short, it is advisable to do things from our heart, not based on what society wants us to. Everything that we create (from artworks, writings, to whatever) is an extension of ourselves, so the best creations are those created from the heart.

 “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” – Lao Tzu
“The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.” – Lao Tzu

“Being yourself” is not that hard sometimes, because you are already yourself from the moment that you are born. However, as we grow up, the world around us try to set up rules and regulations for us to live by, and we begin to understand that we have to act a certain way to please people and make them love us. But little children (probably up until the age of three) have an incredible sense of themselves. They don’t try hard but people adore them. Why? Because they are just being themselves. They don’t fear anything and they act according to their wishes. And like the quotes of Lao Tzu above, we don’t have to compare ourselves to others because it will only make us feel that we are lacking in some way which is certainly not true. I have loved Britney Spears since I was a little girl, but it doesn’t mean that I should already act like her because Britney is Britney and I am me. And I personally find it hard to imitate someone like her because I am shy and reserved by nature.

 “Don’t wish to be normal. Wish to be yourself. To the hilt. Find out what you’re best at, and develop it, and hopscotch your weaknesses. Wish to be great at whatever you are.”
– Lois McMaster Bujold

For those who have been called weird sometime in their lives and have been offended by it, YAY for you! Do not think that you were being rejected or scorned, because it only means that you are doing well in your job of being yourself. Embrace your quirks and imperfections, no matter how embarrassed you are of them. Embrace them as a part of yourself, and the world will embrace you as you truly are. If you’re just like everyone else, then what would be so special about you? And alongside accepting your weirdness and flaws, try strengthening your strengths more. Follow your passion. If you were blessed with painting, drawing, sculpting, cooking, singing, dancing, or whatever abilities, then go in that direction. Don’t ignore them – in fact, you should be cultivating your skills and try to be a better version of yourself. The ingredients for your own unique self is already within you, so the best option is to start loving and appreciating yourself. Don’t ever fall into the habit of constantly comparing yourself to others because everyone is amazing in their own ways.

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”
– Frank Zappa

This may seem impossible but we have to let go of society’s expectations. We have to stop caring about what others think of us, really. These advices have been repeated over and over again but it’s hard because we dread having a bad reputation, right? The worst thing we can do is to hide behind the fear of judgment – because then we start to ignore our own needs and do things according to what we think would please people. Don’t put yourself inside a box and don’t ever let them do that to you because being free is your birthright. The Source has given us free will and that sacred thing should never be stepped on by others or their expectations of you.

We have to let go of the thought that we can only be loved and accepted if we act a certain way. Be aware that you are an infinite being. Be aware that you are here to explore, learn, and expand. You cannot do that if you are engulfed in fear and doing what you are not supposed to do. And you are not a robot, you are an amazing human being who can do things according to his own will. And that act of doing things against your will because of fear or playing safe will only make you a sad and lost human who has forgotten his true life purpose. Being yourself is also filling your own cup of happiness, as you love and accept yourself with all your might. It’s just that simple, we don’t have to try hard. And the last advice I can give you is again to be yourself, because no one can ever take your uniqueness away from you. :)

The Girl I'm Destined to be

The way that humans are able to amuse and surprise extra-terrestrial beings by being so unpredictable – like being a beggar and then rise to being a king later on – is not limited to everyone; not even to me. Although I may come across as shy, modest, humble, or self-effacing, I’m not really the girl who you think I am. Or if you happen to know me years ago, I advise you not to have a fixed opinion about me or in any way think that I am an inferior kind of woman who’s only fit to only be some kind of a maidservant or whatever. Because from now on, I’m sure that I’ll start attaining my destiny and the purpose of my current incarnation on this planet. As I tap into my heart and imagination, this is the vision that I came up with:

I will be a very pretty girl. I am eighteen now but I say “girl” because I will look younger than my true age. I will be petite forever because I love how petite I am. I really don’t like to stand out, and being petite helps me to hide from whatever I want to hide from. But I still want to have physical beauty because I wanna be adored despite not being flashy. I love my simplicity and I guess that’s who I really am. Since I first saw Britney Spears during my childhood, I instantly knew that I want to be that girl. I had an instant attraction to her that it seemed like my inner being shone a flickering light. And I don’t have this desire of being beautiful because I am ugly; in fact, I’ve always felt beautiful deep inside and I just had to let it out to the world. My shyness blocks my intense desire for true self-expression, but I’m getting out of that bit by bit. I just know that the pretty girl I wanna be is someone like Britney Spears.

And I wanna be a writer – specifically a famous novelistI wanna be someone like J. K. Rowling or Margaret Mitchell. I really admire their big brains. I wanna find out how they know all of that, so I aspire to be as intelligent as J. R. R. Tolkien. I know that I am not the type who’s suited to write a “The Lord of the Rings” type of book but I greatly admire his broad knowledge. Writers almost always know everything. Tolkien was also a professor and I was kinda shocked the minute I found out because I actually plan to teach too! I have this great desire of imparting knowledge to the world in a way that makes them interested in whatever I have to say. I have actually observed that I have the knack of making people listen and pay attention to what I am saying. Because I always know whatever I happen to say to people. I have this huge desire of changing ignorant people and turn them into intelligent citizens who have the power to change our government and educational system. I know that my special purpose was not to put the spotlight on myself but to help other people – sometimes even unconditionally. It’s because I know how hard it is to be helpless and ignorant.

I wanna be filthy rich so I can buy anything that I love for myself. I wanna have a big and clean house at a rural area where I can plant fruits and vegetables for my family. I want work that has something to do with my hands that’s why I write, paint, draw, and would love to try planting and harvesting crops. I will buy lots of books for me and my children to read. Of course I wouldn’t buy the dull ones (too academic) but only classics, fiction, spiritual, and self-help books. I will buy lots of art materials so my children and I would have artistic hobbies that they would prefer over computers and iPads. I also wanna buy lots of beautiful clothes, shoes, and makeup that could help me express my divine feminine. I love looking lovely all the time. I wanna have diverse interests and work. I feel like I’d only feel satisfied if I write, teach, and learn at the same time. Having only one work would be too boring for me. I want to get involved with everything that involves creativity.

I chose this unique path in life to help people within and out of my reach. I want to show women how lovely they can be. I want to show them to dismiss people who inhibit them to express themselves fully. I want to show them to follow their true passion, and let their hearts lead them to whatever they are destined to be. I want to show them that pursuing any kind of art for your career does not always lead to poverty, as many people believe. And although I might not be as stunning as Britney Spears, although I don’t have that charisma that would instantly lead me to Hollywood, I know that this path I’m currently taking is my heart’s desire. I know I’d still take a serious approach to life even as I actually become a beautiful woman. I know that I was sent to school to impart my knowledge to a large number of humans and help make wise creatures out of humanity. When I was a child, I didn’t really know where I should be headed, because I was too caught up in society’s expectations. But no, they don’t hold the path to my future. I came down in this earth to embody beauty and knowledge and spread it across the planet. 

Natural Beauty

“Natural beauty” has been a hot topic of debate for men and women alike. Men say that they prefer natural beauty in women, but women counterattack by saying that there is no such thing as natural beauty, and that men just don’t know anything about natural makeup. Women saying that they rely on their natural beauty would seem like a hypocrite to most women, as they see them as too cocky to admit that their natural state of beauty still has to receive help from cosmetics to really be a beauty on the streets. Being an eighteen year-old girl, I have permitted myself to use everyday makeup since last year so I understand both contrasting sides of women in regards to natural beauty. And although I prefer using light makeup before I present myself to the world, I can say from my observations and being a woman myself that women who are so opposed to natural beauty and to people who criticize the use of makeup are really talking from a standpoint of insecurity.

For the last two years, I’ve been dependent on makeup and hair dyes. And although we have to apply them to constantly feel and look good, I’ve come to realize lately that if beauty is present in an individual, it really is – and trying so hard to be one with the use of harmful chemicals may have a damaging effect which may only be visible later on. I realized that I’m already fed up with dyeing my hair and spending much time making up my face because it’s unfair that some women could just wash their face and already look like goddesses. It’s also costly being a high-maintenance girl. And so, lately I’ve decided to stop dyeing my hair and let it grow back as black again so as to let the world know that I’m proud of being a Filipina and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Pure Filipinos only grow black hair. I realized that although trying to make myself look foreign through hair dyes and makeup was successful in attracting attention and admiration, I now want to try the natural look and grow my self-confidence regarding the facial features that God has given me. My hair in itself is not ugly; in fact, my soft curls are often envied by women.

I’ve also realized lately that I’m being dependent on beauty products. I started having the habit of at least putting something on my face before facing other people. Although people find me pretty, my heart doesn’t see me that way because of the way I got dependent on cosmetics. Yes, cosmetics enhance our beauty – but do they really beautify us in the ­long run? Contrary to what most girls believe, these harmful chemicals that we like to put on our bodies actually help destroy us bit by bit. Hair dyes could cause a fearful amount of hair fall. Makeup could cause dull skin and dark lips. In short, they make us ugly. This could be evident after probably ten years of continually using them. And that’s not something a wise woman would opt to because all women naturally invest on their looks to attract a mate that would consider them marriage-material. Men of course would choose a woman who could still look beautiful after ten or twenty years of marriage as they are visual creatures.

So these advertisements of beauty products everywhere are just traps. It’s better not to fall into those traps but really, how we choose to beautify ourselves is really our own personal choice. Do what you know is best for you. However, I personally believe that true beauty must start and come from within. I’m not talking about inner beauty however; I’m saying that in the end, we’ll realize that water, fruits, vegetables, and exercise are what will really bring out the beauty of our physical bodies and not those harmful chemicals from commercial beauty products. I’ve also noticed that I look my best when I smile a lot. Not phony smiles but genuine smiles that stem from the heart. I get an instant blush-on and attractive energy that emanates from my being. Every girl of course wants to be a natural beauty – and it’s the best kind of beauty that we opt to try to achieve in my opinion, because nothing’s more attractive than authenticity. You may have also noticed that the one who’s got the most magnetic presence in a room is the one who is being himself. There is really nothing to be ashamed of our natural looks. We ought to be real. We are doing it for ourselves anyway. Cosmetics actually take away our youthful looks and natural beauty.

A Life about Beauty

I am just 18 but when I look back at what happened during the past seventeen years and compare it to what I am now, one quote of Jane Austen comes into my mind:

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.”

Yes, it is true that beauty and attractiveness can get you far in life. It can attract people who are useful tools for your success; but at the same time, it can also attract people wanting so bad to harm you when they feel like you get on their way. For the past seventeen years of my life, I have struggled for the attainment of and because of the lack of beauty. I battled with acne, had intense heartbreaks, had my skills and talents ignored because of my plainness, had people dislike me for my appearance and a lot more. I feel like my whole life was about beauty. Or at least that’s how I think it is. Maybe all I think about is beauty. I create beauty through art, and I try to make myself one. Some people who don’t know how to draw, sing, or dance early in life definitely learn if they feel like it’s their calling or they get really passionate. So perhaps it’s the same for attractiveness and beauty. Every single one of us, especially the females, have an innate beauty within them but some of us just need to have it awakened. I couldn’t be wrong about beauty being the subject of my present life here on earth as it is what I always think about. And what you always think about is where your heart and soul is. Perhaps my mission in this life is to find true beauty.

And so, regarding the Austen quote written above – every late bloomer can relate to it. This stage of my life perhaps is an exciting one, as I seem to have finally reached my dream of becoming prettier. And even though I am still not up to the standards of becoming Miss Universe, the universe still granted me this gift where I get male attention quite often and they definitely find me attractive. That is the goal of feminine beauty anyway. And in case my intuition really does function perfectly, then it must be true that people treat me depending on how to they react to my beauty. Often, people love me for it. While some people approach me and sometimes use me, some people definitely wanted to have nothing to do with me. Some girls just try to rob me of everything, even my closest friends. Some girls try to make rumors about me when the guy they like happens to like me. Some girls just treat me badly for no reason at all. And that’s the last thing we want beauty to do to us. I know that I may sound like boasting, but let's face it -- women know what I'm talking about. Beauty can really separate us from one another because it s seen as a powerful weapon to attract a mate that would secure our survival. 

Sometimes, I don’t think that I really wanted how beauty serves me its purpose. Yes, I always attract attention from men and women alike. My relatives always talk to me despite my introversion because they think I’m pretty. I can say that I love the attention but I don’t really know what to do with it. I attract some men and I get flattered when the teenage ones flock to me and try to know me right after they saw me. However, I don’t know what to do with older and dirty men on the streets. They creep me out and I always feel bad for the men I am walking with because they always receive criticism. I also tend to attract men who are crazy and obsessed with me and just can’t leave me alone even though they know that I’m already taken or even if they know that I don’t like them back. They don’t see how I’m afraid of them. And although having people dislike me hurts me deep inside, there are just some girls who don’t like me and unfortunately I couldn’t do anything about what they think about me. There must be a particular reason; but I just automatically think that they're probably jealous because there were lots of instances wherein I was hated because the attention that they wanted goes to me instead. And although it was my dream to be as pretty as Britney Spears, sometimes I hated being pretty because of the hatred and issues I used to deal with. 

The saddest part of being beautiful is that the people around you don’t make an effort in knowing you too well. They get too satisfied in physical beauty and that’s all they see – the outer shell. And although it’s not hard for me to attract romantic partners, it’s hard for me to find men who would love me for who I am. It hurts when you discover they only want you to satisfy their carnal lust. It’s sad that when their naked eyes see your beauty too easily, that they don’t care about the beauty of your soul anymore. At first I enjoy being envied for my looks, but life is still the same no matter how you look. I wish all people can see past the beauty of the eyes and try to know the soul lurking underneath that they may know that beautiful people desire to be loved not only because of their physical bodies.

Daughter: A Mother's Own Reflection

My deep wounds from childhood were really caused by my mother. My mother has been a big part of my life no matter how hardly I tried to avoid her influence. The same goes for my sister. All my life I thought that they caused my life to be miserable. You know how girls are – these emotional beings cause each other’s pain as they blame each other for the envy, hatred, and insecurity that exist in their lives. All my life I felt like they were teaming up against me. Those physical, mental, and psychological tortures that I’ve gotten from them were only fragments of my dark past that I have carried on through my teenage years. I carried that heavy baggage for many years which only led me to suffer more. I thought that something in me intimidates them so I struggled just to prove their negative statements wrong. And I’ve been so confused whether I’m really supposed to love them or hate them.

I kept on bumping into these books that made me realize how important a mother-daughter relationship is. I’ve learned that a mother’s history gets passed on to the child through the placenta. And even though this history isn’t passed on to the child verbally, the fact that the babe has been in the womb long enough confirms the strong connection between the child and the mother. All my life my mother made me feel as if I am very different from her that she finds it hard to see herself in me. And so I tried to distance myself from her because I also believed that we were not connected at all. But still, the deep, painful wounds she has engraved upon my soul continued to haunt me as I grew up. I despised her because of that. I couldn’t really go on in my life because my bad relationship with her blocks my way. One time as I found myself so confused about all the things going on in my mind, I sought the courage to confront her.

I told her how bad I felt about the way she made me feel like I’m a failure. I told her how indignant I was that despite my achievements in school, success in inter-school competitions, gift in writing, good singing voice, and physical attractiveness, she still couldn’t recognize how blessed she is to be given such a child. She always thought that something’s wrong with me just because I’m naturally introverted. But what she admitted was that she herself was a failure because she thought that she didn't raise me well enough. Although the blame was pointed to herself, my tears just started rolling because I felt terrible as a person. I don’t think I’m bad, I really don’t. I think I’m good enough; or at least that’s what I tell myself to believe. I suffered from low self-esteem throughout my adolescence because I couldn’t get her approval. She always thought there was something wrong with me which led me to doubt myself more. Despite my gifts, I wasn’t able to love myself. I was so angry at myself and I blamed her for this. I told her this and I saw the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t mean to cause me great inner pain.

All my life I thought that my sister was their favorite daughter. My mother relates more to her because she’s outgoing, sociable, and always wants to appear pleasing even though her thoughts might really be darker. She’s always into the latest trends and fashion. She’s always into Facebook, and she has all the traits of a conformist. Meanwhile, my non-conformity was seen by my mother as rebellion. I just happen to have my own set of beliefs and I’m not caged by religion. I am introverted so I always retreat into my room just writing stuff and learning from the spiritual videos of Teal Swan. I sing whenever I want to, I do things according to my mood. I couldn’t gain the love of my parents because they see me as selfish and rebellious. I tried hard not to get into an argument with my mother but as we opened up each other’s wounds to each other, tears just couldn’t stop rolling down from our eyes. I told her how I was hurting so much deep inside. I told her to just accept me as I am because I was born this way. I told her that she is not a failure just because she couldn’t mold me into an ideal daughter, like the almost-perfect daughters of her officemates. No. Just like a guitar has strings with different notes that make a beautiful harmony together, she should accept me as a D note and not try to make me a C note because I’m a fucking D. I do my job by being just me. It took me so much courage to open up this pain to her. It’s because I need her help to try to get my life in perfect balance again.

But what I found out was that I was really a reflection of my mother. She could also see herself in me. My sister and I were both reflections of our mother; in fact, we represent her dual personality. She just thought negatively of me because I represent the part of her that was ignored, not nurtured, and she was ashamed of having. She had my artistic gifts and inclination in music but she felt like she wasn’t good enough so she gave them all up. She tried so much to hide her shyness because she thinks it’s unacceptable. I am so passionate about the things I want to do and that makes her worry because she thinks that my writing and singing would get me nowhere. She thinks I would lead a poor life by just being me. But no, I won’t. She’s wrong. God gave me her gifts that she didn’t use. God gave me the side of her personality which she ignored. But God also gave me this fiery temperament and strength to stand up for my own beliefs which she clearly did not do. I don’t see my introversion as a mistake - it was actually a blessing for I am more self-aware and I can tap more into my inner self and trust my intuition. I’ll make her realize that her mistake was that she neglected her right brain, gifts and inner strength, and chose a job she didn’t want with a belief that it will make life easier for her.

The self-doubt and insecurity I have actually came from my mother. And she has given birth to me so I may correct her mistakes. Contrary to what I thought for the past years, I am actually a reflection of my mother; and she’s just more worried about me that I might make the same mistakes she did when she was younger. But I came down into this earth to do the opposite. The part of her that she ignored resurfaces through me. And although I perceive my sister as my complete opposite, we are utterly related through our mother. And as she’s still in the process of accepting me as I am, she will eventually realize that the most valuable part of ourselves is the part which we always ignore just to conform to the "accepted" ways of the world.
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