After Two Years

It has been two years since we met each other for the first time. And it has been almost two years and a half since we foolishly fell in love with each other. It was puppy love, yes – for we were only “kids” back then (at least, according to our ates and kuyas). Our romantic tale ended abruptly, and it was very devastating for me. Lots of people told you that I had lots of men in my life, but they were only tools so I could forget you easily. They amused me so much because they found me so pretty and attractive that they were willing to be my little dogs. And that was because I had a very low self-esteem, you know. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough for you. I thought I did not deserve you. So when you disappeared from my reality, I hardened and became a bitch to my other “little dogs”.

Two years ago, we struggled for a common free time to be together. It’s like you studied in North Pole, and I studied in South Pole. The time you would go home to your South Pole was the same time I would be going back to my North Pole. But then twelve hours ago, a classmate invited me to go to your South Pole to meet your sister because our organization wanted to conduct a writing workshop on your high school. We immediately met your sister (and your mother too, surprisingly) via pump boat as we reached your hometown. Your sister started teasing me about you, but then I maintained a poker face because I overheard them talking about you being seen with a girlfriend who is twenty-five years old (which means six years older than us). But I also have a boyfriend right now who calls me a pig – so basically, any meaningful act or thought between or about us would seem adulterous. We just can’t reach each other anymore. And I already gave up any hope of looking at your eyes or holding your hands. I didn’t really care anymore.

When we reached your alma mater, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was stepping on the grounds where you spent your high school days. I was envisioning all sorts of things about you, and I didn’t care whether the nuns that manage your former school were frowning upon my short shorts. I tried to be preoccupied, I quietly waited for your sister’s return. I looked around, saw teenagers in uniform and got slightly irritated as my own high school life was destroyed by my bitter teachers who did not want me to have a happy high school romance. My mind went back to the stories that you told me about yourself back then. You freely had your girlfriends in high school while people around me gossiped nastily about me the moment I got a boyfriend. My classmate was busy talking to one of the teachers about our proposed activities on your school while my mind was wandering back in time, trying to remember your face. I deny missing you on the surface, yet I know that I really do. I hate feeling that way when it was you in the first place who gave up on me. I did not want to look like I was chasing after you. Never again.

I was so caught up in my own mind that I didn’t notice that one button has fallen from my blouse. My little breasts were in danger of being seen, so my classmate and I walked out of your school and searched for a store that sells safety pins. I bought two, fixed my blouse, and walked while gossiping about other people. When we reached the highway, my classmate decided that we go to a nearby beach, but I was so hesitant that I said no right away when she asked for my opinion. Then we bought two ice candies at a nearby store, and walked slowly back to your school. After about ten steps, my friend repeatedly mentioned your name but I ignored her. I was serenely eating my ice candy when I saw you riding as a passenger on a motorcycle, going to the direction which we were also headed to, and you looked behind as if you knew what’s going on. My eyes popped out and your face showed the same look of surprise.

The motorcycle you were riding on kept on going, but you also kept on looking back at me as if you couldn’t believe your luck. My friend then started teasing me. But I stayed still, incapable of deciding of how I should react. We just saw each other after two years! Yet like the old kind of fate that we had back then, chance did not give us much time to spend time together. It’s like we were just permitted to take a glimpse of each other after a long time, and that was it. I did not know what to think. But I was happy, I guess. I was happy that I saw you again. I was happy that you took time to look at me. And I was happy that you looked back at me several times. But then I wondered, have you found me prettier and deserving of your love now? I wonder if I ever touched your heart at that moment like how you touched my heart. I was secretly smiling, you know.

As we were walking towards your school, my friend and I found a waiting shed and sat there for a little while to chat. However, I was still stupefied by what happened earlier. Almost ten or fifteen minutes passed, and she was mentioning your name repeatedly again. But I already knew what she was talking about, so I froze. You wanted to talk to me, or to us, but you were only looking at my friend, making it seem like you were only communicating with her. But I can see that you just can’t look me in the eye or get near me. You were trying to tame me, I guess, as my eyes were intent on your face, by waving to me while not exactly looking into my face. And when you did, you couldn’t help but smile. You were such a little boy that I could really sense how shy you were in my presence when you are normally confident and charming. I knew that you really wanted to go near us, and basically talk to me, but my friend was there and you were too shy to face me. So when you finally went at loss for words, you just said bye-bye to us and you went away with the motorcycle driver. I didn’t know what to feel anymore.

We went back to your school because you told us that the principal was already back. The guard asked us if we have seen you because you asked him if he saw two maidens walking around the campus. I blushed at this, for I did not expect you to care so much. We wanted to talk to the principal, and we wanted to wait for the return of your sister, but we suddenly saw Sir Riley (our history professor) and Sir Hall with the principal. We naturally knew then that we would be going with them back home to our boarding houses and apartments near the university. We happily talked with the two professors with the principal at the canteen – but yes, I was still thinking about you. Even the most mirthful chitchats couldn’t measure up to our smiles and meaningful silences earlier. Suddenly I became nostalgic. My mind went back to the times when we first got attracted to each other through the pictures that your sister was showing us, when you told me: Andaman mo lang kung indi ta magdayunay, and when you kissed me on the forehead to say goodbye for good. Two years has quickly passed; but it was a very long time, isn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t the girl that I used to be back then. Probably you have also matured a bit too, but something still stays the same, I guess. You said before that there were no “sparks” between us, yet I could feel it powerfully in our coy, still, and silent interactions earlier. I was supposed to leave alone all our memories in the past, yet I felt a tinge of hope. Perhaps it was just the ugly first chapter. I don’t know.

After we finished our business there, we went inside the car following the two professors. I realized just now how dramatic that moment was: I didn’t know that you were already walking towards us from afar, and that you clearly saw us getting inside the car the moment you stepped into the campus. Inside the car, I saw you walking so I opened the door and shouted your name. You heard it, saw the two American professors and got a little bit shy so you just smiled at the car (not at a particular person) and continued walking. The professors asked me if you were a “special friend.” I just coyly smiled and everyone in the car laughed. They knew you were. But I secretly wished that you still were.

I just thought about you all the way back.

I wonder if we will ever meet again, and what will happen next. 

Daughter: A Mother's Own Reflection

My deep wounds from childhood were really caused by my mother. My mother has been a big part of my life no matter how hardly I tried to avoid her influence. The same goes for my sister. All my life I thought that they caused my life to be miserable. You know how girls are – these emotional beings cause each other’s pain as they blame each other for the envy, hatred, and insecurity that exist in their lives. All my life I felt like they were teaming up against me. Those physical, mental, and psychological tortures that I’ve gotten from them were only fragments of my dark past that I have carried on through my teenage years. I carried that heavy baggage for many years which only led me to suffer more. I thought that something in me intimidates them so I struggled just to prove their negative statements wrong. And I’ve been so confused whether I’m really supposed to love them or hate them.

I kept on bumping into these books that made me realize how important a mother-daughter relationship is. I’ve learned that a mother’s history gets passed on to the child through the placenta. And even though this history isn’t passed on to the child verbally, the fact that the babe has been in the womb long enough confirms the strong connection between the child and the mother. All my life my mother made me feel as if I am very different from her that she finds it hard to see herself in me. And so I tried to distance myself from her because I also believed that we were not connected at all. But still, the deep, painful wounds she has engraved upon my soul continued to haunt me as I grew up. I despised her because of that. I couldn’t really go on in my life because my bad relationship with her blocks my way. One time as I found myself so confused about all the things going on in my mind, I sought the courage to confront her.

I told her how bad I felt about the way she made me feel like I’m a failure. I told her how indignant I was that despite my achievements in school, success in inter-school competitions, gift in writing, good singing voice, and physical attractiveness, she still couldn’t recognize how blessed she is to be given such a child. She always thought that something’s wrong with me just because I’m naturally introverted. But what she admitted was that she herself was a failure because she thought that she didn't raise me well enough. Although the blame was pointed to herself, my tears just started rolling because I felt terrible as a person. I don’t think I’m bad, I really don’t. I think I’m good enough; or at least that’s what I tell myself to believe. I suffered from low self-esteem throughout my adolescence because I couldn’t get her approval. She always thought there was something wrong with me which led me to doubt myself more. Despite my gifts, I wasn’t able to love myself. I was so angry at myself and I blamed her for this. I told her this and I saw the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t mean to cause me great inner pain.

All my life I thought that my sister was their favorite daughter. My mother relates more to her because she’s outgoing, sociable, and always wants to appear pleasing even though her thoughts might really be darker. She’s always into the latest trends and fashion. She’s always into Facebook, and she has all the traits of a conformist. Meanwhile, my non-conformity was seen by my mother as rebellion. I just happen to have my own set of beliefs and I’m not caged by religion. I am introverted so I always retreat into my room just writing stuff and learning from the spiritual videos of Teal Swan. I sing whenever I want to, I do things according to my mood. I couldn’t gain the love of my parents because they see me as selfish and rebellious. I tried hard not to get into an argument with my mother but as we opened up each other’s wounds to each other, tears just couldn’t stop rolling down from our eyes. I told her how I was hurting so much deep inside. I told her to just accept me as I am because I was born this way. I told her that she is not a failure just because she couldn’t mold me into an ideal daughter, like the almost-perfect daughters of her officemates. No. Just like a guitar has strings with different notes that make a beautiful harmony together, she should accept me as a D note and not try to make me a C note because I’m a fucking D. I do my job by being just me. It took me so much courage to open up this pain to her. It’s because I need her help to try to get my life in perfect balance again.

But what I found out was that I was really a reflection of my mother. She could also see herself in me. My sister and I were both reflections of our mother; in fact, we represent her dual personality. She just thought negatively of me because I represent the part of her that was ignored, not nurtured, and she was ashamed of having. She had my artistic gifts and inclination in music but she felt like she wasn’t good enough so she gave them all up. She tried so much to hide her shyness because she thinks it’s unacceptable. I am so passionate about the things I want to do and that makes her worry because she thinks that my writing and singing would get me nowhere. She thinks I would lead a poor life by just being me. But no, I won’t. She’s wrong. God gave me her gifts that she didn’t use. God gave me the side of her personality which she ignored. But God also gave me this fiery temperament and strength to stand up for my own beliefs which she clearly did not do. I don’t see my introversion as a mistake - it was actually a blessing for I am more self-aware and I can tap more into my inner self and trust my intuition. I’ll make her realize that her mistake was that she neglected her right brain, gifts and inner strength, and chose a job she didn’t want with a belief that it will make life easier for her.

The self-doubt and insecurity I have actually came from my mother. And she has given birth to me so I may correct her mistakes. Contrary to what I thought for the past years, I am actually a reflection of my mother; and she’s just more worried about me that I might make the same mistakes she did when she was younger. But I came down into this earth to do the opposite. The part of her that she ignored resurfaces through me. And although I perceive my sister as my complete opposite, we are utterly related through our mother. And as she’s still in the process of accepting me as I am, she will eventually realize that the most valuable part of ourselves is the part which we always ignore just to conform to the "accepted" ways of the world.

Messages from the Birds

Since I got out of the university after a very tiring semester, I vowed to never use my brain again during the summer vacation.  I expected many invitations of going out from friends, but I figured out that we were all thinking about ourselves. I guess I only got invitations five times; and so I seldom go out of my lovely cage. They care more about their studies than having happier times together – but although it sounds odd for true friendship, I prefer friends like them than those who only value temporary happiness through vices. I prefer having successful friends than spoiled brats. Friendship is not measured by the times you spent being together but by the strong bond that is formed for all tempests you have braved together.

And through all the times I have just been learning by myself inside my little corner of the house, I just realized that little creatures have been visiting my room ever since. I thought of their visits as mere coincidences, but I guess there’s no such thing as a coincidence. Every single incident that happens to a human being is brought to him by the universe itself, so everything definitely has a divine purpose. A few hours ago, a bird went inside my room. It flew beneath the ceiling and rested on my door for about five seconds. Then it flew away. I realized that it was not the first time a beautiful flying creature entered my room when I was always making sure that the doors and windows are closed when I'm alone. I also pondered for a moment that of all the rooms in this house, why did the birds choose mine? They seemed to make sure that I was well-aware of their presence. Oh, how cute they are.

My beau, who takes all things as a joke, kidded me that maybe the birds probably heard about my beauty from other animals in this forest and just tried to look at my face. But I’m not Snow White, you know, and the universe itself accidentally took me to an article online where I learned that these birds may be carrying a divine message from above, or from my ancestral guides. These birds just love pestering me when I’m alone. They make noises, eat my food from the kitchen, and play with the dishes. I couldn’t be wrong, because God communicates through nature. This time, a divine message was desperately sent to me because a bird really tried hard to go inside my small room and rest for a little while. I just don’t know what that message is. And I also don’t know why a bird was chosen.

This brief but meaningful moment in my life made me realize that God still cares for us even though we’re here in this hellish earth. And I understand why he wanted to communicate using nature, especially the animals. He lives in heaven where there is perfect spiritual bliss. This earth just cannot match the beautiful frequency of heaven so our planet was placed very far from it. But even though He is so far away, He lets us know that He is still with us through his creations. We are also his creation after all. Now I don’t know if that free little bird carries with it a specific message just for me, but still not being that enlightened, I perceive that brief visitation as God saying hi to me, and reminding me of His love when I feel all alone, helpless and friendless. Or the universe may be telling me to take off the weight of the world on my shoulders and be free as a bird. I am a lazy slob, but I am very active mentally. I take all inside, including the negative vibrations of other people. Maybe it’s time to free myself of everything and just fly away while thinking that I am always loved. 

A Queen in Past Life

I had my first practice of past life regression today and what I felt, knew, and saw weren’t as vivid and detailed as I expected them to be. Deep in my heart I knew that I had been a queen or some sort of a royalty; but if the information I got from the regression were merely my imagination, then I should have been a lovely princess with many suitors. However, everything I saw was not something I expected it to be. I’d like to believe that the information presented to me came from my subconscious, only blocked for a very long time.

I looked at my toes and I was wearing a lovely pair of flat shoes with the color of gold. And as I was examining my clothes, I saw that I was wearing a rusty gold gown which had long sleeves. I think my clothes gave me the idea that I was a queen and it was 1700-1800s at that time. I was inside a palace. When I looked to my left, I saw a butler which gave me a concerned look. However, I just knew that I must not trust him. His eyes were fixed on me; and the longer he stared at me, the more I get the impression that he was a traitor. Then, my sister passed and gave me a malicious stare. I got the impression that we were rivals. She was a “jealous sister.” The king, my husband, looked like an imbecile. He did not love me. I guess I did love him a little bit, but I was also a wee bit upset that he did not love me. We had one lovely little daughter, however.

The atmosphere was so sad. I feel like I had a bad reputation as a queen. I had no friends and no one understood me. And my sad life was mostly caused by my jealous sister. I even suspect her to be responsible for my death; but I cannot remember what the cause of my death was. I think I was on my forties when I died. And as I was dying, I was lying on some sort of a bed, and all the people on the royal court were around me. I could not feel true love and sympathy from them. I see them all as traitors who were just waiting for me to die. My tears were already falling as I was recalling that event. Only one little girl ran up to me and hugged me. I felt her genuine love and it made me happy as I was dying. I really loved that girl. I think she was my daughter.

Everything was still so vague to me. I did not clearly get the lesson which I learned from living that life, nor the reason why I chose my parents and this kind of life. But as I was growing up, I had an innate sense of entitlement for everything and I expect people to notice and adore me. Some people had already told me that I had a disposition of a royalty and I also liked to believe them. I do not get along with my sister in this life and we spent our lives getting better than each other. People always compare us. I also feel unloved most of the time, and it’s true that there are lots of traitors and jealous people in my life. I just lead an ordinary life right now and I know deep in my heart that having less money doesn’t make you less of a person. I know in this life that material wealth couldn’t give you spiritual bliss. I still don’t understand most things, but I see lots of parallelisms in my life then and now. 

Loved by Aunts

After a very long time, I have been reunited with my aunts and cousins again last night. Not only was I welcomed very warmly, but I was touched by the sense of familiarity and belongingness that I have missed for a long time. I especially felt the feminine power radiated by my aunts and my mother as they talked to each other. They were like puppies playing and barking at each other. And I was left wondering in my seat, how come I belonged to them when I felt I was the only one different? But this feeling of “being different” that I have always sensed since I was young was given a good meaning last night – because last night, my aunts were very drawn to me and among us cousins, their attention was on me.

My aunts were very jovial. As they were chattering and bickering over trivial matters, they were consulting me for my opinions. I felt very important that my viewpoints were given much importance now. They even laugh at my statements! Well, maybe it’s because I’m an adult now. But it was a new feeling. All my life I’ve hidden under my shell of shyness, but they don’t belittle me now unlike people normally do many years before. All my life people have treated me like something’s wrong with me. All my life they have perceived me as a helpless person. But this time, I am a part of the family. They loved my company, even if all I could give them was my presence. I still couldn’t blab noisily and breathlessly the way I do during one-on-one interactions, but it really felt good to be in the company of mature women. It felt like I had a sort of feminine empowerment within me.

Out of the blue my aunts just started to compliment me of my beauty. One by one they joined in, and for a moment I was like, “Oh, stop it you!” but they insisted that I was really the most beautiful of all their nieces and that I was a combination of all the beautiful blessings of nature – a beautiful hair, beautiful nose, beautiful face, beautiful heart, and an intelligent mind. I flushed and was about ready to burst because my mother really don’t recognize those traits of mine so I grew up thinking that I am worse than anybody else and that I should work harder no matter what I achieve. All my life I was thinking that I wasn’t enough. Luckily my aunts just knew what to say to me. I love them. At least they appreciate what kind of niece they have. When they grow old and helpless, I vow to myself to take care of them in my own little ways. 

Insights on Astrology and the Occult

I have four months of summer vacation, and I spend it on studying astrology, karma, unseen beings, and other aspects of the occult. I am not planning on becoming a witch, you know, but there is something alluring about these subjects. I feel as if I am missing out on a lot of ancient knowledge that I ought to know, and is also crucial for my survival. I am not a girl who follows fashion trends all the time, and I prided myself on doing whatever I want and not caring about what others say. I’d probably lose interest if half of the world took interest in the real study of astrology, where natal charts are involved. I like knowing things that other people don’t. I’m possessive that way. This is certainly not part of my academic curriculum, for these topics that I’m dying to master are branches of the forbidden knowledge. Still, there is some sort of magnetic pull that triggers my curiosity.

It’s impossible to master these things in just a few months, but I’m glad that I’m already well acquainted with the occult sciences. There are just so many things that our science teachers can’t explain, but we know deep in our hearts that they've always been here. The universe is full of mysteries that even the human brain cannot comprehend. Now I know why the Bible warns us to not be worldly, and get in touch with our spirituality all the time. For me, this forbidden knowledge is not available for everyone, for one has to dig deeper into things to fully understand. I have also read somewhere that King Solomon was called the “wise king” because he had a lot of knowledge of the occult. Even the “halos” put on famous spiritual figures on paintings were in fact their “auras,” but it takes a spiritual person to believe. It’s because not all of us see auras. Some people just have gifts and open sixth senses that they see, feel, and know a lot more than a normal human being.

But sometimes, those calculators of our astrological birth charts have their flaws too. I find mine to be inaccurate. I get different results in Vedic astrology and Western astrology, but I can’t have a split soul! I was born as me, and I am me. Although they help me define who I really am (which I am always dying to know), I hate getting confused regarding my identity. You see, I guess my sole purpose in life is to find my individuality. I won’t allow the society to define who I am, because the stars have already molded me before I was born. And I don’t really get the difference between Vedic and Western astrology. One says that I am a Cancer rising, and the other says that I am a Leo rising. I don’t fucking like getting confused there because I am fucking emotional and dreamy and I fucking love attention so much too. I just study astrology to understand myself and other people and realize my own hidden strengths, but I don’t think that it seals my destiny. The stars’ job is to guide you to the path that you must and must not take and warn you to the possible danger that comes your way, but your destiny is entirely up to you. We were given free will to make our own reality.

I don’t really have plans on becoming a witch (not all people who study occult are that extreme), but as we all know, knowledge is power. I use this to strengthen my sense of self. I use this to know what makes people tick. I use this to practice delving into the souls of people so I may have good relationships with them. I use this to understand the deeper mysteries that humans are not aware of. Nowadays, we try to control everything through technology. But no matter how intelligent and capable we are as humans, we must understand that we are still no match compared to the Supreme Being where all source of life and energy came from. We can’t have greater power than the Great Creator and Destroyer. By studying occult, I also get  to know how amazing our God is, how great his unending knowledge is, and how great his love for all the souls that exist in the whole universe is. 

On Being the Slut, the Other Woman, or the Fling-Thing

You probably already know that historically, I was a very unattractive girl. I was the type who goes for straight-A’s, with hair always in a low ponytail, lots of pimples, and just a plain classmate whom you would normally “friendzone” as a guy. Other than that, I was born with a very low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. I always seek for approval which I don’t usually get – because as I have stated earlier, I wasn’t pretty. I was a sucker for compliments deep inside, because I wanted to treat this deep wound that I had since childhood. I often retreated to a world of my own and wrote in journals. I felt like no one understood me but me. Yes shy and introverted girls, I am one of you. And no matter what I do, I just can’t invade all the bars in the world just to improve my social status. Crowds full of phony extroverts disgust me.

And it came to that point where I became very desperate. As soon as I started college, I improved my looks, changed the way I dress, and grew my hair long. I pestered Google just to know what the secrets of beauty, attractiveness, and charisma are. I reflected on what my flaws were and tried really hard to change myself for the better. I just had that intense desire to be admired so much for everything, especially for my beauty. Ever since I was little I already had that dream; but I kind of ignored it because I thought I just had to wait for adulthood for me to have big boobs and ass. But right now, I’m already an adult. Everything was up to me, for I had no fairy godmother. But the fruits of my labor already showed up a few months later. I was prettier and I had more admirers. I finally had men who crush on me when they see me personally. It was already a big achievement for me because I only had my boyfriends earlier in life due to texting. Those weren’t serious relationships that I had, but back then I didn’t care about the fact that not getting taken seriously in love is already a big disappointment. There must be something wrong with me, I thought.

For almost two years in college, I had a bit too much of flings and relationships with random men who just got attracted after seeing me or hearing me sing (yes, it’s the insecure me who’s boldly talking). Some of them were even heartthrobs and I had an instant self-esteem boost because of that. Some of them were fucking handsome, and some probably had only charm, but they all had desirable traits in them that would have made me give up my womb to them if only I was a slut. It’d be too hard to describe my unique experiences with each one of them, but they shared this one deed in common – they all broke my heart. Yes, with this girl that almost all passersby would drool over (I’m exaggerating); they managed to break her heart and leave her without any explanations. At first they seem to be laying their hearts on my feet, but in the end they’ll just treat me like shit with lots of flies hovering over. I don’t even know what turns them off, I was just being me! But a few of them told me that some jealous girls told them bad things about me which aren’t even true. I had no friends, you know. Just jealous enemies. I’d sound like a terrible, terrible person if I addressed this as #PrettyProblems, but that was how I lived in the past two years. I loved male attention, but I couldn’t get a serious boyfriend because no one took me seriously. I had a slutty reputation.

I even did those things that I couldn’t believe I did. I had this huge crush on an older schoolmate and we hugged and kissed passionately on one acquaintance party. I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend! And I also kissed another older schoolmate of mine that I also had a crush on only to find out that he plans to court my classmate. Those jerks! And there’s a lot more escapades that resulted from the intense longing of my heart, but all I gained was a slutty reputation. I was fooled, you know. I had no intention of ruining relationships. In fact, I wanted so bad to have one of my own. These incidents affected my social life and my self-esteem. I wasn’t a true-blue bitch, so experiencing those was a very big blow to me. I realized that I am not being respected by men. I realized that I was always taken for granted. Or only wanted for my sexuality. And so, I tried to withdraw from all that chaos and improve myself some more. I needed to have a comeback. I am a goddess.

Now I have a boyfriend who terribly loves me. He is like a soldier in protecting me, as if people are always trying to grab me from him. Finally, this guy has a perfect image of me. His friends are the biggest “chickboys” of the town, and he brags about me everywhere he goes. What’s even flattering is that this guy had handsome competitors, but I just had to show everyone that the one who treats me with overpowering love and respect is the one who gets me. My male friends and acquaintances even shower me with praises, affection, and attention now when they used to just ignore me back then. I’ve risen from a doormat to a royalty. From these painful experiences, I’ve learned great lessons. If you wanted to be treated with respect, respect yourself first. I’ve learned that there is no middle ground between a doormat and a goddess, and it’s up to you whether you’ll choose one or the other. Sometimes we have to be painfully burned to be able to rise from the ashes, like a phoenix.

Girl Insecurities

That girl is probably just insecure, blah blah nananana boo boo.

And that’s the problem with girls. WE ARE ALL INSECURE. Some girls just appear confident because they are adept at concealing their feelings of insecurity. Even the prettiest people have something to dislike about themselves. Even supermodels get insecure. Every girl wants to achieve perfection, but the thing is, even the most perfect woman in our eyes is still secretly bugged by her flaws. Being a girl or a woman is actually a great thing, but one of the things that make it hard is the society’s expectation of beauty for every female species. That is why we constantly compare ourselves to other girls.

We have different things to complain about. Some girls are fat, some are anorexic. Everyone wants a model figure, or a super curvy one, but Mother Nature failed to give them a beautiful feminine figure. Some girls complain about their skin – their acne, acne scars, knee scars, skin diseases, complexion, dark underarms and groin, or uneven skin tone. Sexy models have flat tummies, so we feel bad about our fat tummies or side bellies. Some girls don’t like their hair – straight ones want curls, while curly ones want their hair to be straightened. Some girls get depressed over their flat chests and flat asses because being able to flaunt your sexiness adds great points in attractiveness. Some girls hate that they are too big or too petite. Some get annoyed by their ugly eyebrows, ugly feet, mustache, crooked teeth, stretch marks, double chin, puffy eye bags, dark circles, too broad shoulders or jaws that are too masculine.

Too much of these insecurities give us a very low self-esteem, which negatively affects our daily life performance. Sometimes we feel so bad about our appearance that we get insecure of our skinny or pretty friends. We avoid sitting or standing next to a pretty girl because she makes us feel and look like shit. We avoid getting noticed on the streets so as to not hear negative comments about our appearance. We get depressed and all that, and what makes it harder is when we come across a very beautiful girl. It’s like a hard slap in the face. We care so much about what other people think that it hurts us. Sometimes we just have to stop comparing ourselves to other girls and accept each other and move on.

Nobody is born perfect. We all have flaws, and what matters most is how we deal with it. Having lots of insecurities is not the end of the world, you know. And instead of bawling out, you better treat them one by one if you want. If you’re fat, then go on a diet and exercise a lot. Use your insecurity as a motivation to be better. Learn to love what you have and everything follows. Remember that being beautiful is being able to overcome your insecurities and imperfections. Smile! The world is not a beauty pageant, girl. Show everyone that you are more than just your appearance. Your body is just a covering to your soul which is the most important part of you. :)

Fair-Skinned Pinays = Beautiful?

Marian Rivera, a half-Spanish Filipina actress 

When I was a little girl, I’ve always been attracted to fair-skinned women with balanced features. I don’t know why, but I really don’t find morenas to be on the same level as the Snow Whites, as the former give me the impression that they’re on the lower social class. Even though some people love the glow of tanned skin, as a young girl, I honestly get repulsed by them and stare longer at the mestizas instead, even though I am also morena, being born a Filipina. Most of the time, those Snow Whites that I found pretty back then often had foreign blood (i.e. American or German) in them. And I guess this is how I developed colonial mentality as a kid.

It’s strange to know that foreigners adore the natural tan that Filipinos have. While they spend lots of money on tanning themselves, here we are also splurging on whitening products. We always want what we can’t have, you know. We’re not contented with what God gave us. And have you noticed that whether a woman is half-Chinese, half-Japanese, half-Italian, or half-American, they’re always beautiful to the Filipinos as long as they are fair-skinned? Because Philippines is a tropical country, and has a cruel sun above it, fair skinned people there are regarded as very attractive because they give the impression that they are wealthy, pampered, and not made to work under the sun. Whether they admit it or not, Filipinos automatically get attracted to fair-skinned women, sometimes regardless of their facial features. “Basta maputi, pwede na yan!”

Most guys I know often crushes on fair-skinned pretty girls. My current boyfriend said that I got his attention because of my fair complexion. And most fair-skinned girls (who are also blessed with facial beauty) claim to be headturners and get more male attention that the pretty morenas. It seems like everywhere you go, as long as you’re here in the Philippines, you’ll get more male stares when you have a porcelain skin especially when your white legs are also exposed. Yes, for a lot of Pinoys, “fair-skinned Pinays = beautiful” is a fact. White girls look cleaner than the sunkissed ones. And cleanliness is a big factor when guys check out on girls. Having white skin makes it easier for them to reflect the sunlight, making them look radiant and blooming. The radiance of their skin is a bit blinding to guys. When you’re a Filipina, having fair skin would automatically add 100 ganda points.

Yes I know it’s very unfair, when most Filipinas are born with natural tan. Would you just agree that all fair-skinned Pinays are automatically beautiful? Of course not. True beauty is seen in the balanced facial features and mesmerizing smiles. It is manifested through a girl’s elegance and confidence. It is through her magnetic aura and headturning presence. Whether you’re a mestiza or a morena, it doesn’t really matter. A beautiful woman is beautiful, regardless of her race or skin color. 

Psychic Readings for Me

Here is a collection of free psychic readings that I had online. Recently psychic stuff had been occupying my mind most of the time. I ask questions with the motive of knowing more about myself.

From PsychicSource:

Dear Anthea Cabrestante,
On 5/8/2014 you requested an email reading...
The question was:
How is my sex appeal to others? Basically, how do others perceive me?

Please enjoy this answer from Psychic Source:
Hi. Thank you for the great question. I see an aura around you. Very strong appeal to others. I see your hair is very specific and you have a great head of hair. People, especially the guys find you very attractive. I feel you have a very sultry look to you. Intense eyes. This makes you stand out in a crowd. I see in the cards that you have no problems in attracting love but you get insecure although you try not to show it. My cards see you can make people laugh which is a big part of how people see you. They love that you are yourself. This is part of your appeal. My cards say if you can overcome some shyness you can do anything you set your mind to. I see the love card here so I feel there is a special someone you have been thinking of a lot lately. The cards see you with a special someone soon.

April (ext. 8127)
Psychic Source

From Lawrence (a photo reading):

Hi Anthea

Your question is not silly,

I checked you out, you have a  great sensual look, I’m sure you get hit on all the time :)
You should try things related to acting, modeling.
I see musician type of boyfriend around you in the future.
Let me know if I helped :)


PS. If I was your age I would be wanting to be with you  lol.

From AllExperts:

Your Question was:

Hi I am Anthea, I am a female, and my birthdate is 10/17/1995. I just wonder, why do I make many enemies? Was I a bad person in my past life? I just sometimes feel unaccepted by the society and backstabbed most of the time.

Following is the reason:

Hi Maria,

Everyone was "good" and "bad" in past lives. This time you are meant to deal with more battles. However, what matters most is how you react to people. You can diffuse anger, envy, and other negative emotions from others by accepting people as they are, refusing to engage in a negative ping pong rally, and sending them love in your mind. I know that last one sounds odd, to send enemies love, but you're not doing for them, it's for you. 

Expert: Stephen Petullo


From Lawrence (a photo reading):

Your aura is bluish red. Blue is creative energy; red is full of energy – once you start a project, it’s going at its full tilt.
You would do well as a creative writer of any kind for sure. Try automatic writing – just write whatever comes to you.
You would do well as a poet songwriter also :)
You're on the right path of writing for sure, I saw that in your eyes.


From Lawrence (a photo reading):

Hi hi hi,

I checked you out again, I know you well now. :) Yes you have a strong personality, but it’s good. I think the right person will love your personality. If someone fears your personality, then it’s the wrong person for you. Anyway, you have a soft side to the right person. Most men would love to get intimate with you, but I see you’re not easy – which is good. Some women are jealous of you also.

You’re lucky to be who you are. I see nothing negative at all.

P.S. Men want to get close to you for sex, period - and will give you a lot of "I like you a lot". But you’re picky so I’m not worried, lol. You shouldn’t worry about what women think of you, as long as you think of yourself as beautiful and together. That’s the best I can give you. :)


You're not weak at all, are you kidding? :) You have a powerful mind - you should know that anyway. Maybe it's good you hear it from a psychic. :)
What other people think of you is not your business. It's what you think of yourself that counts. Write that sentence down and keep it as a reminder.


People will always badmouth others especially when they're young like you, others are immature and they get off on it if it affects you, if they see it affects you they will continue with it. How Many friends do you need?
Be a friend to yourself, and only hang out with people who are positive about you. You don't need a crowd to see what people think of you. Trust your instincts, ignored comments and gossips. Many people have been depressed on what other people say, but they're only words.

Believe in yourself. I do. :)



You should just be a famous actress in America. :)


[question about my career]

My vibes for you is to study forensic, things related to solving problems - studying criminal justice etc studying how DNA works etc. It's like being a detective behind the scenes for the police, or government.
If you weren't so shy the other half of you might want to be a adult film star - which is not a great career lol.
Your soul is sensual and giving, but can be real jealous at times. When you love someone you can hate them the next day for whatever reason.
Focus more on career stuff.

[question about my boyfriend]

I'm sorry about your breakup, didn't feel you had the right person in your life for long term,
i still feel a musician type of boyfriend in the future for you.
You still might get together with your current boyfriend  but dont feel its a long term gig
You're young and have a whole lot of living to do  and with the right person down the road.


Oh My Pretty Pretty Girl

You know that I wasn’t a beauty from the cradle. Or maybe I was, judging from the old photographs of this neglected babe. You probably also know how unattractive I was when I was younger, when I was going through the awkward phase of my adolescence. No, I didn’t really believe that I was ugly; I was just more of a Plain Jane who was furthermore not regarded by men as someone who needs to be given their full respect and admiration. I was however filled with discontentment for many years because I wouldn’t settle in being mediocre – I am in fact an ambitious woman who’d rather look as gorgeous as Britney Spears than anything else.

After I graduated from high school (age 16), my parents forced me out of my shell my letting me study in the University of the Philippines all by myself. I was separated from my family and friends by a vast body of water and from then on I was left to take care of myself. Bit by bit, the curse of the awkward phase abandoned me, and the Southern belle that I was destined to be started to show. I was beginning to be pleased at the mirror’s reflection – but since no one dared to say that I was pretty, I was still left hoping and ashamed of myself. All I wanted from them was a little appreciation, a little love that more than obviously proves that they accept me for who I am, and a little admiration that would at least make me think that I am above others. But alas, I was deprived of them; so I felt very alone in the world with my little self-worth.

I did not enjoy the joys of beauty during adolescence because I lacked it. But two years after I left these people who did not treat me well because I was unattractive, that’s when I had this great transformation which also transformed their treatment and opinion of me. Of course I also learned some hard lessons in life, so I changed from the inside too. At eighteen, even the mirror couldn’t deny that I’m drastically changing into a woman. Yes, think about the little Shirley Temple turn into Marilyn Monroe. As I went into a four-month vacation in my hometown, I had some amusing experiences that confirmed that I am indeed pretty. Yes, every girl needs that compliment, as Marilyn said:

“All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren’t” – Marilyn Monroe

But out of the blue, I could already turn heads – from old men to boys, from school boys to working grownups. Yes, I turn heads from everywhere I go but I don’t just get glanced at – I get stared for a long time. Lads sometimes already try to befriend me and court me later on even if we’ve only met for the first time. What’s flattering is that what happens often is I get liked and courted by the handsomest lad in the room whom my fellow girls all crush on. Wherever I go, men try to get near or talk to me. I just catch their eye easily. Even guys riding a motorcycle with their girlfriends at their backs still stare at me when I’m on the street. My friends don’t like being with me because of the male attention I always get everywhere I go. I also get special favors like free transportation fares because of my looks. Even my current boyfriend confessed that he couldn’t stop staring since he first laid his eyes on me, for the beautiful sight was so addicting. What’s more flattering is that I don’t intimidate or repel them – they almost always talk to me right away.

Back then, no one would ever consider me pretty or beautiful. Perhaps they’d say that I’m cute just to be polite. While people back then won’t even recognize that I have beauty too, now I always get complimented on how beautiful I am, that I am the prettiest among my friends, and how they hate standing or sitting beside me. You see, it was a giant leap that I took. Because of my experiences in college, I learned that good looks and a strong sex appeal can be used to your advantage. I easily get away from the mistakes I do. People readily laugh at me at something funny I do. People listen intently to me when I talk especially in front of the class. They don’t take my presence for granted. Obviously, life is easier and lighter. I also have no problems regarding mate selection, for men seem to be always ready to kiss my feet. The only side effect that I see is the jealousy of other people around you who may not want to appreciate the beauty that you bring into the world. And although I am satisfied by my improvement, I have realized two things - beauty certainly is be a tool for manipulation, but it's not the thing that would really give a woman complete happiness.

Lilith and Eve: the Two Female Archetypes

You may probably have already heard the story about Lilith. Lilith was rumored to be the first wife of Adam who represented back then the “feminism” which we have now. Ancient compilers of the books for our Holy Bible have rejected some great and important books which they deem to be heretic, so it’s no surprise that we know very little especially about the events that happened before the birth of Christ. Being a woman, the conflict between Lilith and Eve is what intrigues me.

When God first created man, he was not alone. He created the first man and woman simultaneously. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female created he them.” (Genesis 1:27) As Lilith and Adam were made at the same time, the woman who was proud and stubborn had no reason to believe that he must subordinate to him. It was said that they used to make love often; and one time when Adam ordered Lilith to lie beneath him, she declined and fled away from Adam, and refused to come back despite the threats of the three angels sent to look for her. On the second chapter of Genesis, we can just read without any preceding explanation this: “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.” (Genesis 2:21-22) Since Lilith was gone, God made a second wife for Adam and He made sure that she will not rebel against him again by purposely making her from his rib to suggest women subordination. And because Adam had already replaced Lilith with another woman, she was outraged and devoted all her life to see the fall of Eve and her descendants. As the Bible did not mention who the serpent in the forbidden tree was, and if it was Satan surely the Book would not be ashamed to say it, Lilith was rumored to be the serpent that tempted Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. This enmity between Lilith and Eve was proved by this verse in the third chapter of the book of Genesis: “And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shall bruise his heel.” (Genesis 3:15) Lilith was believed to be a demon who kills little babies (sudden infant death syndrome) and makes men have wet dreams and gets her children from their sperm.

Lilith and Eve represent the two female archetypes.  Lilith is the feminist one and Eve is the feminine one. Lilith was a radical feminist who insisted on equality between the two sexes. She was rebellious, stubborn, and selfish. She was an independent woman who doesn’t need men in order to live. But what does her rage for Eve suggest? Lilith was also portrayed as a seductress, a femme fatale. The world today is inhabited by lots of Lilith, as all forms of women subordination are already frowned upon. Meanwhile, Eve is labeled today as the old-fashioned feminine woman, as she stayed true to a woman’s duty to be a helpmeet for man. It is a popular belief especially during the ancient times that the kind of woman that will make a good wife is like Eve: beautiful, modest, and gentle. Eve stays true to the true meaning of womanhood: being a devoted wife to one man and bearing his descendants. In the modern world, Lilith wears a miniskirt, a sexy top with her cleavage exposed, heels and makeup. She doesn’t care about what they think of her – she just does whatever she likes. She sleeps with many different men to satisfy her carnal lust. Eve meanwhile is a natural beauty, wearing simple clothes – probably a flowing skirt which likens her to a pretty flower in her garden. She wears little or no makeup, with her long hair flowing down to her bellybutton. She lightens the mood with her loving smile and does little to make men woo her. She is gentle, kind, and probably a bit shy too. Eve, the true jewel of God’s earth, has left very few descendants in this generation.

Perhaps what the Bible means about the “enmity” between the serpent (Lilith) and Eve’s seeds is the constant tormenting of demons to humans, but there is also enmity that exists between the two female archetypes. Lilith types are not wife-material. They may be attracting lots of men during their youth but what they really want for a lifetime mate is a chaste and beautiful woman whom they may trust. Lilith is naturally jealous of Eves for being effortlessly lovely. Until today, feminists condemn women whom they think are “subordinating” themselves to men. Eve cannot help being a woman. She is the yin while Adam is yang, and it is natural to let him overpower her. They are equals in an opposite and complementary way, and Lilith cannot understand that. Two bees cannot do anything together; one must be a flower and one must be a bee to produce a fruit. 

Feminine Beauty

From the moment baby girls are born, what do parents usually wish for them? Probably, “I hope this baby turns out to be a very beautiful maiden who will attract suitors like a magnet.” Because the baby is a girl, we can only hope for her to be beautiful so she can be someone to be proud of. Beauty is a powerful weapon of women; and it explains why they spend so much time and money on beauty products and plastic surgeries. And the bad thing is that girls measure their worth through their beauty. Beauty is a rare thing – we must admit – for not all of us could pick our parents before we would get born. It is only gotten through luck and chance, so measuring a woman’s worth through her beauty is a folly. However, we really can’t help it. Pretty girls are obviously more favored and even a talented and capable woman can’t be noticed for all her capabilities if she lacks it.

Eve was made to be admired, showing off the immense beauty that Adam himself lacked. Surely he was perfectly made, being the first human being molded by the hands of God; but for all his strength and might, the grace, softness, and beauty that he lacked was given to the woman. Traditionally, or maybe up until now, it is a shame for a woman if she is not beautiful or if she doesn’t live up to the society’s standards of feminine beauty. It is her duty to beautify – to always comb her hair, keep herself clean, maintain her flowery scent, keep her skin free from scars and blemishes, or even to put on makeup. A plain woman suffers more from low self-esteem than a plain man because a woman without beauty and/or charm feels as if she is not fulfilling her duty as a woman. A woman without beauty does not feel like she is powerful enough as the one who has it. As mentioned earlier, beauty is a powerful weapon of women which can get them almost every single thing that they desire.

The main thing which women benefit from their beauty is the admiration and attention received from the males. Primarily, girls are expected to be beautiful maidens for them to be picked out by quality men to mate or make them their wives. Girls always hate each other because of their jealousy and insecurities. If a girl does not feel pretty enough because some other girl gets more male attention than her, she starts to hate. Beauty is a big factor when insecure girls start comparing themselves to each other. Let’s admit it: we all want to be the prettiest girl in the bunch. When a prettier girl comes along, we start to get outraged deep inside. Beauty is not always a good thing, for a woman so blessed by nature is always detested by other women. She is that threatening that’s why she gets a lot of backstabs, sarcastic remarks, and the like. Insecure girls almost always do anything to keep out that threatening pretty girl out of their sight or group of friends. But pretty girls need not worry, for it’s just their way of showing their inferiority.

Girls exist to represent the softer and lovelier side of life, and make their male counterparts at ease in their bosoms. They are the flowers in the meadows, the lulling nights, the soft clouds, the sweetness of the fruits, and the aroma of blossoms. It is effortless for some feminine beauties to embody loveliness. Oftentimes, females who grow jealous and bitter feel that they’ve got no competition. Oftentimes, they are toxic friends who degrade you with sarcastic remarks to make you feel lower than them. I just saw this posted remark coming from an old gentleman, which I also find to be true: Do not befriend ugly people. They are born with angst with the world. Girls are all about beauty, consciously or unconsciously. They constantly fight with each other manipulatively. 


I can never name another softer girl. Her mere existence would make you think of a soft cloud, cotton candy, pixie dust, a lovely flower, a charming rainbow, or a giggling baby. It seems like the sensual images of women portrayed by Beyonce Knowles, Megan Fox, Christina Aguilera, or Britney Spears are the modern world’s ideal of feminine beauty, but they certainly lack the copious charisma that this cute girl infects the world. She made me ponder how strong women – or basically women wanting to appear strong – are ignorant of the key ingredient of charm. After eighteen years of being exposed to the heinousness of this demon-infested planet, certainly she isn’t as gullible and ignorant as toddlers are, but she radiates a pure aura that hints she was untainted and as immaculate as a newborn fresh from heaven. 

She isn’t goddesslike, or the kind of woman who seems flawless in every physical aspect. She isn’t the one to adore and revere like Aphrodite; for even as she is already moving towards womanhood, her soul still leans on her childish past which is distinctly manifested by her physique. She has a petite and delicate figure, a face which is a bit on the round side because of her chubby cheeks, eyes that remarkably exhibit whatever emotion she currently feels – whether it is extreme bliss, a heartbreaking sadness, or an explosive wrath – and a soft smile that magically melts your icy heart. There is nothing angular in her appearance: everything you see in her is soft, curved, or vulnerable. She isn’t the kind of girl you can liken to Helen of Troy, the kind whom a myriad of men fight for and display as a trophy and an emblem of their masculinity. She is the kind of girl that you would seriously want to take home and safeguard for the rest of your life. She is a gleeful but lost puppy in the streets that you would want to grab before anyone gets enraptured by it. 

Strong people, especially the narcissists, are normally repulsed by anything that depicts weakness, chiefly children and the elderly. However, this girl will put an end to your prejudice the moment you see her perform, talk, act, and do whatever she does. You surely won’t detect a trace of strength or manliness in her. She’s a creature who’d excitingly get near you and innocently smother you with clingy affection. Her permanent naïveté would make you regret any hurtful gesture that you’d try to inflict upon her. Any insensitive deed done to her would draw tears easily from her, and would make her withdraw the abundant affection she has reserved in her heart for you. Losing her is like losing the bright blue sky and gentle breeze in your life. Seeing others enjoy the company of that charming lady while there is an impenetrable iron curtain (caused by the pain you caused her) between you is really unbearable. She’s an amulet that you’ve got to protect infinitely so as to bring beauty and joy for the rest of your life.

My Little Doll

my own visual interpretation of Charles Kingsley's "My Little Doll"

My Little Doll
~by Charles Kingsley

I once had a sweet little doll, dears,
The prettiest doll in the world;
Her cheeks were so red and so white, dears,
And her hair was so charmingly curled.
But I lost my poor little doll, dears,
As I played in the heath one day;
And I cried for more than a week, dears,
But I never could find where she lay.

I found my poor little doll, dears,
As I played in the heath one day:
Folks say she is terribly changed, dears,
For her paint is all washed away,
And her arms trodden off by the cows, dears
And her hair not the least bit curled:
Yet for old sakes' sake she is still, dears,
The prettiest doll in the world.
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