Can't Cry Hard Enough

This song that I just used to hear on afternoons a few years back suddenly had a precious meaning to me an hour ago. I just learned that this special guy and I share the same feelings toward this song – we actually listen to this to cry our hearts out. This is one of our favorites. He actually memorized the lyrics.

Unfortunately, he couldn't sing it to me (for it is dancing which he is good at), so he asked me to sing it for him instead on the day we’ll meet. And that’s maybe after three months. We still have to wait for that long. He told me that maybe he would cry as I sing to him that song. After he said it, my mind wandered, maybe a little bit too far, because I imagined his head resting on my lap as I sit on a bench on a starry night as I sweetly sing to him and he is crying bitterly. As he is a man of few words, I wondered what he meant when he said that maybe he would cry as I sing to him that song. I wondered if it was just because of the emotional nature of the song, or the song would just help him in crying his heart out. I wondered if it was his overwhelming feelings for me that he’d cry out. Perhaps he’d be crying for joy that we would have finally met after almost a year of longing for each other. Or he may be crying because of satisfaction – that meeting me was worth the wait.

Anyway, I was just very glad to discover another thing in common between us. It’s not the song, but the way we get overly mushy and sentimental. I actually think that it’s sweet. I think we both love passionately, because he listens to this song whenever he gets frustrated with girls. No, it isn't bad at all; it’s just a sign that he loves deeply. It’s actually a good thing that we both love passionately.

Now, this song, from now on, will make me remember him whenever it plays. If possible, we could make this our theme song. But for now, this is just another precious thing about him that I’ll bury in my heart.

When a promise was made by two young hearts...

…would you faithfully hold on to it?

Isn't it very ridiculous to fall in love with a lad whom you haven’t even met? Isn’t it very idealistic to hold on to promises like, “Please don’t search for another lover. I will love you for the rest of my life.”? Admittedly, it was really very idealistic of me to do so. I love a man who’s miles apart from me. I love a man whom I don’t know personally. We gave in to our young whims and passion, and we based our love from an intense attraction – an attraction which cannot be explained by anything, except by destiny.

I am known for being romantic, impractical, and naive  especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. I was eleven then when I first experienced puppy love, as the old ones would call it, because of the young ages of the ones involved in it however intense their feelings are. I've had my first love, and second, third, fourth, and so on – that I've finally learned that true love couldn't be easily found, and that I have to kiss lots of frogs before I find my prince. I was constantly searching for true love when I should be paying attention to my studies. However, I thought that devoting one’s high school life to studies only would make that person dull, dull, and dull.

However, this lad is different. Okay, maybe not, for there are lots of handsome men with the same charms and masculinity as him, but the fact that we accidentally knew each other engraved in my mind that he may be the man of my dreams that I have always been mentioning in my prayers because of the cliche that everything happens for a reason. My senses tell me that he is perfect, and even his quirks are charming. Something tells me that he may be the one for me, because we have a lot in common. And, perhaps, we think of each other the same way. Yes, similarities breed attraction; and although I may have lots of similarities too with my ex-beaux, I feel like this guy is my other half.

Forgive this little lady for being too mushy, for love really makes humans corny. Love can make us do completely silly things. Because fate doesn't permit us to look into each other’s eyes yet, I do things to prepare for the future, like studying very well and taking care of my appearance. And because he didn’t want his promises to prevent me from enjoying my life, I entertain suitors but I’d certainly save my all for him. I can have many crushes, I can like someone back, but in the end, there’s only one that I want to love – and that is him. We can have all these college years for enjoyment and learning, and we’d just be surprised after how we would have become a full-grown man and a woman.

This is how powerful love is. We may be separated by distance and language barrier, but we still have this special feeling toward each other. The mystery of the future enchants us that we couldn't help sometimes but daydream about our future with each other. We don’t know if there would be sparks between us, but we firmly believe that there would be. There are lots of potential love interests around, but we still look forward to seeing each other. Each other’s physical presence may bring us peace of mind and bliss to our hopeful hearts.

Promises made by impulses of immaturity may not be counted on, but what keeps us holding on is the “love” to each other that we believe we feel. As time passes by quickly until the “right time” that we've always been waiting for comes, we will just have a little bit of faith, hope, and love to hold on to, and hopefully someday we’ll find the answers to our questions.

Mysteries during Sleep

Miracles and mysteries happen when we sleep. We are defenseless during our sleep, that’s why beings from the spiritual realm are active during nighttime. Maybe that is also why people are naturally afraid of the dark. We get afraid during the time when lots of people are already asleep. Our intuitions really don’t fail us, because whenever we feel creepy, there really is something creepy going on which may not be visible to our naked eyes.

Whenever I get a good sleep and I wake up happy in the morning, although it’s already noon, I feel like an angel (or angels, because some people surely didn’t ask for their angels’ protection before they sleep so they probably came to me), is responsible for this. While I am unconscious as the critical time for evil spirits to destroy humans during nighttime passes by, an angel may be lulling me to sleep while caressing my curly hair. My angel looks at my face as my visage reminds me of God, whom my angel is really serving. My angel couldn’t help but smile as he (I’m supposing he is male although angels are genderless.) observes the way I look harmless, the way I breathe, the way I sleep-talk, and maybe also the way I unintentionally let my pillows and blanket fall off my bed, because of the unconditional love that he also has for me. He came from a heavenly place which is full of love and bliss, and he may also be hoping that I’d be able to get into that place one day, and take an eternal rest from the struggles I have on earth.

I also know that he wouldn’t be equipped with a shield and a sword for nothing. There are times when I wake up having a mysterious cut or bruise on my face, arms, legs, or wherever. I know that I surely didn’t hurt myself while I sleep because I am a nail biter and my nails are really short. Perhaps an ugly evil creature tried to harm me while I sleep – by flinging his own massive body to mine which is obviously fragile (probably to paralyze me until I die), asphyxiating me by wringing my delicate neck (so I couldn’t produce a sound when I try to get help), or just glare at me the whole night so he could appear in my dream and make me paranoid and terrified when I wake up (If I’m still lucky to wake up). Or maybe the evil spirit just has long fingernails; and that, perhaps, caused my strange cuts and bruises. And my guardian angel possibly won the fight, because the evil spirit could only cut my skin, but my angel prevented him from killing me. These horrible creatures hate me with all their being because I look like my Father. I look like God. They hate God.
Some people love to sleep because they are lazy. Some people underestimate the value of sleep, and only get a few (like three or less) hours of sleep each day. I personally think that sleep was one of the gifts that God has bestowed his creations. Better things also happen while we sleep. Our body tissues repair and our cells regenerate. Our body heals itself. When we don’t get enough sleep, we poorly perform our daily activities and we become grouchy. When Adam fell asleep, God took a rib from him and he formed a woman named Eve. Thus, he had a companion who complemented him perfectly. That is another reason why I think sleep is just one of God’s ways to show us his love. I also noticed that I feel safe when I sleep. There is also a sense of peace after waking up – except of course, when we find out that we are already late for our first class in the morning.

I personally feel vulnerable when I lie in my bed despite the comfort. I lose the feeling of being a strong seventeen year-old girl and I feel like an innocent three year-old again. I think age is just a number, and it may just be parallel to the experiences we have in life, but we are still as innocent, gullible, and helpless as when we were little children. Whatever our ages may be, we still need affectionate touches and someone who would lull us to sleep; and although some people may be deprived of that, certainly angels are always there for their protection anytime and anywhere, if they’d realize that they need it and would ask for it.

Should we fret over a pimple?

I don’t know why pimples have to exist. Perhaps acne also came out of Pandora’s Box just like any other evils on this earth. Teenage nightmares don’t only happen when they are asleep; because seeing even just one unsightly bump on your face called zit just after you wake up is a very bad nightmare.

You are probably getting an idea now of what I have  right now. Yes, I currently have damn evil pimples that ruined why face and that fact also deteriorates my self-confidence. I’ve suffered from acne since I entered puberty, and I wonder why there are so many people out there who aren’t even hygienic but aren’t pestered by acne just because of heredity. Perhaps if you happened to be a close friend of mine, you would probably hit me on the head and tell me to stop whining because my pimples aren’t even noticed unless you’d invade my personal space. I guess I’m just concerned about attaining perfection which I obviously would never attain, since I couldn’t even get a perfect and flawless skin.

Well, in the world of girls, jealousy is always present. The eyes are always alert for small imperfections. The lips are always ready to spread gossips. And when you are not around, expect to be backstabbed. That’s how girls are. I am not generalizing, but for a large number of female species, this is true. Every girl wants to be beautiful, and the most beautiful of them all. A beautiful girl believes that she is ten times more beautiful than she actually is. An average girl believes she has an extraordinary beauty. And even an ugly girl hopes to be beautiful in the eyes of others even though she already knows how she actually looks in front of a mirror.

Girls are egotistical, too. However, all girls have lots of insecurities – even the “almost perfect” ones. That is why they expect their boyfriends to always say that they are always beautiful. Some girls get jealous of girls with much sex appeal because perhaps the essence of the existence of girls is to find a mate to assure them of their beauty. Girls with no boyfriends or SERIOUS boyfriends feel ugly – and that’s a fact.

In the world of girls, they only have few close friends whom they treat as their sisters. The rest of them are their rivals, in terms of beauty, brains, and abilities. Yes, beauty really comes first. When a random beautiful girl makes all the boys swoon in her presence, the girls around are quick to spot her flaws, and alert to witness her mistakes to assure themselves that she isn’t perfect and there is nothing to be jealous about.

Beautiful girls aren’t always lying on a bed of roses. They actually gain only a few true friends who aren’t jealous of them. Some girls may give them a cold shoulder, sometimes because of intimidation. They also gain haters. Most of the haters hate secretly – and secretly get happy too to witness a pretty girl’s petty failure or embarrassment.

Now, how about this small pimple that ruins your pretty face? Don’t worry about it – all girls have that. Confidence makes it invisible. People won’t notice it if you don’t even care about it. Sometimes, it’s just the confidence which makes a girl more beautiful. When she knows how pretty she is, and doesn’t  care about what other people think, admiration from here and there follows. However, together with the males’ attention comes insecurity from other girls. It’s normal, so don’t feel bad about it. Insecure girls suffer from their low self esteem so they are the losers in the end. Just focus on your self-worth and your flaws which need to be treated, not on those little people who spend time criticizing others instead of improving their own selves. 


Like a widowed grandma who waits for her turn to die
Like a little girl who weeps to her rag doll, “Goodbye,”
I wait for my beloved lad whom I don’t even know
Whom I loved though only in my dreams he shows.

You opened this delicate heart, completely undressed
By the spirit of misery perhaps I’m possessed
I live only through the sweetness of your tender words,
Memories of your voice as melodious as the birds’.

Like an old dog who waits for its departed owner
Like a youngster expecting the last school bus that left
I envision that I’ll hold your noble flesh sooner
But the fact that I cannot is more heinous than theft.

I whisper to the chilly air, please make me forget
But it blows back your memories, it makes me upset
Perhaps my heart regards you so precious, so holy
So I crave for your love with beautiful melancholy.


You promised me marriage, you promised me forever
Like a father who said he’d bring home with him lollipops
Like a kid I was left hanging and hoping as ever
Would not ever go to sleep, to sob would never stop.

I get lost in every love song played in the diner
Having wistful reveries that we’d dine soon together
Even the gentle night flashes me ethereal dreams
That you tenderly hugged and kissed me as the moon beams.

Things between us are vague and our future’s uncertain
Even you reckon that our souls will meet only by chance
My eyes plead at the stars as I hold the silk curtain
Let my longing eyes see my other half in a glance.

However hard I try to turn my back on my feelings
I am still engulfed by the shadows of your love
My pillow is the witness on how I yearn for you, darling
At the right time, I pray, we’ll be blessed by the One above.

Love and Family

I remember writing about my annoyances with the members of my family. It was my choice to study very far from them to take a break from all the clashes, insults, and physical fights. I am actually lucky to have a family that’s not broken, but I think we were just not meant to be with each other – or maybe I’m just the only one messing up our home. I guess I made the right choice to live far from them. It was beneficial. For the first two months of being away I was really enjoying my independence; but now, I just realized how important they were to me. Maybe the devil was just trying to destroy our peaceful home. No matter what happens, we’re stuck on each other. I am with them since I was born so I guess we are really obliged to love each other. No one else will.

When I was still living at our house on the countryside, every little thing they do annoys me. My mom is always shouting, my dad doesn’t care about the world, and my little sister has a completely different way of thinking from mine which causes us to quarrel – once a day, maybe. I am really lucky to realize that I love their quirks and flaws, because they are the things that make them unique in the world. I don’t know if I matured a bit but I now understand their personalities by just reminiscing. Honestly, I miss them. Even their coldness tells me that they love me so much. They’re not just as expressive as me, but they let me know by their own weird ways.

My mom is a confident and optimistic woman, but has a sensitive soul underneath. She is opinionated and stubborn, but is still very gullible. She always gets mad at us but she’s ready to sacrifice anything to help us whenever we really need help. She’s like a cyclone when enraged. Sometimes I find her funny because she’s childish and as expressive as a child. She acts like an adult but still has some traces of immaturity in her. She was very attractive during her youth. We are so different, but as time goes by, I now think it’s true that daughters really become like their mothers when they grow older.

My father is a quiet man. He keeps his wrath hidden. He is not as expressive as my mother but he also has a funny side. His silly and childish laughter shows that he is not really as serious and fearsome as people’s first impression of him. Perhaps I got my quietness and mysterious aura from him. We also have the same eyes which show anger and bliss very well. He may come across as a very cold and cruel man but he is very selfless, especially when it comes to his children. He does not get angry when we get his stuff every time. He has vices but I still love him. I just don’t want my future husband to have vices too.

The last and the youngest member of our family is my little sister who is just a year younger than I am. Since we were still toddlers, people say that she acts more mature than me. It’s the truth. I guess I just got my immaturity from my mother. She got my mother’s friendly aura but she has most of my father’s traits, while I got my father’s aura but I got most of my mother’s traits. We’ve been enemies since we were babies but this girl will be my companion forever since our mother bore just the two of us, and we’re meant to share school supplies, toys, clothes, beauty secrets, and problems. I can be fiery when I want to, and I have that kind of aura too. I can fight for her when she suffers from injustice. We really think that we’re very different, but people that we’re like two peas in a pod. She’s undeniably pretty and attractive. We’ve grown just like our mother.

I woke up with my family, I was raised by my parents, and I will live the rest of my life to please and take care of them. No matter how frustrated I was with them before, at the end of the day, I will still go back to them. God gave me my mama, papa, and little sister because we are destined to love each other. How blissful it is to be with them in heaven for eternity! I am actually glad to realize this right away, that the most important things in life are love and family. We just have to keep up the harmony inside our homes, because if we want world peace, we should start by loving our families for everything starts there.

Learning Freedom

There are people who think that studies are their whole life. Some people do nothing but studying. They seem to honor their academic studies as if they are all that they have to learn. I cannot really identify someone who’s like that, for I may err in my judgments, but I know that some people are like what I have described in the statements above. Aren’t their lives boring? I personally despise studying academics, for it does not seem like freewill learning. Whenever I am about to study, I get lethargic and I feel the need to play, eat, read novels, and write about my thoughts and feelings. I chose Literature because I benefit from reading and writing, and I always feel the need to do them out of impulse. Some people choose courses which can give them high salaries later on and can help them attain high positions on life to get recognition, power, and wealth. That is their definition of success. 

Some people wonder why some people choose to follow their passion, while they prefer ambition. Personally, I follow my passion because that is where I’m good at, and it makes me happy. It seems like an invisible present given to me by angels from God on the day I was born. It seems like my purpose for living – using my God-given talents for the betterment of His beloved planet. I also won’t allow my talents to deteriorate because of my negligence on them.

Learning also doesn’t just happen inside the four corners of a classroom. A classroom and a prison cell is pretty much the same – we just have to stay there for a short while to learn or experience things, but staying there for a long time is bad for us. We all want to break free of prison cells and proceed to the flowery meadow under the rainbow with our favorite animals wanting us to tame them. We don’t always have to learn every scientific fact and mathematical equation; what’s important is that we learn much about life and we know how to improve ourselves. EQ is more important than IQ, right? I just don’t understand why some people choose boring lives. I just can’t deal very well with things that are “required”. Where’s our freedom?


Even though I am surrounded by people of all kinds, economic classes, and relationship statuses here in this "exciting" place full of diverseness and worldliness, I still feel alone. I feel lost. Even though almost two months of observation has passed, I still couldn't find people whom I can fully trust. I do trust people, in fact I am gullible and easily trusting, but I still don't know who my true friends are. I don't know, maybe I should go back to high school to meet them again. I made some mistakes in choosing people who can be trusted, and there are still lots of arrogant people out in the world who can't let you pass without being picked holes in.

Even though I already possess a teenage body ready to be a real woman in just a few years, I feel like I'm still a fragile little kid left alone in the cruel world without anyone to lean on, meeting sublime illusions of happiness that just makes this poor little kid frustrated later on. I feel like a naive little lassie trying to be independent just because she needs to, but can't really stand alone by herself. Innocent as she is, despite years of harsh experiences, she trusted few people whom she though she could trust, and loved them (though not always explicitly) with her whole heart. Only really few are those she really likes, and she expects them to love her as strongly as she does. She wants their full attention as much as a little kid desires the attention of her parents, but she gets little or nothing. No friend really likes her that deeply, and that makes her sad and unwanted. That makes her wonder what is wrong with her. That makes her listen to sad songs at night. That makes her talk to her guardian angel secretly. That makes her silently cry to sleep. Even her imagination isn't enough to console her.

Some people think they already know me just because they're acquainted with me. Some people think that I'm shallow as they think. Some people think that I'm being moody without any reason at all. Some people think that I'm as mean as I look. I am quite complex and full of contradictions. No wonder no one understands me. I'm not an attention whore, that's why I'm the quiet one in groups. I'm not a flirty guy-addict because if I am, I should have seduced every guy I encountered. Being quiet doesn't necessarily mean that I'm sad or mad - most of the time I'm just thinking. The truth is that no one can ever give an accurate description of me. NO ONE.

What I need in life are not overflowing knowledge, guys' admiration, wealth, pretty face, castles, chocolates, popularity, or success. I need someone (or some people) who can love me completely and unconditionally, and has a very great understanding and patience to satisfy the desire of my sensitive soul. I hate being misunderstood all the time. I'm just a coy six-year-old trapped in the body of a sixteen-year-old needing great love and attention, has a very delicate soul that needs to be handled with care, and has a complex character that only myself can understand. This misunderstood girl is just longing for someone who will love her truly, madly, and deeply for eternity.

Fate's Health Message

I am currently consuming the two-month vacation before going to college, and I'm nearly at the end of the second month. My sickly body gets on my way of accomplishing things prior to enrollment and I'm mad at myself for that. I couldn't get my medical certificate because I still have Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I am also struggling with this uncomfortable thing called conjunctivitis (sore eyes). Deadlines are pressuring me to get well quickly - and deadlines, pressure, and stress are three things that make me too furious to deal with them. I couldn't travel via airplane if my conjunctivitis still won't get off me. My flight will be five days from now. Just think of the pressure that I feel. I don't really want to worry but I'll be dead if I don't take action.

I don't have the mind of a realist, and I don't think that these illnesses weren't accidents caused by my carelessness. I may be angry and suffering from now, but I actually think that these are blessings in disguise, that there is a hidden message aimed for me. Maybe this was permitted by the universe, and it wants me to clearly get the message that I should take care of myself while I am away from home for a long time since she can't talk like humans.

I don't think that I'll be disregarding her message. Days from now I'll be independent, although I'll still be supplied money. No one can take care of me but myself. Friends and schoolmates have worries of their own, so I'm solely responsible for myself. Sickness is not an enemy that you can bully and defeat easily - it's more like a Goliath who torments you every time and you can't think of anything but ways to get rid of it. Even common cold and coughs are too annoying. I've realized now the value of health, and from now on, I'll take care of my physical body, the one which holds my soul so dear.

Handsome Eyes

Your beautiful psyche, your love divine
I saw them through your wonderful eyes
Your gorgeous face and looks so fine
Are nothing compared to your soulful eyes.

I always long for your presence
Because it gives me unexplainable bliss
Always afraid of your sudden evanescence
And it can't be consoled by a passionate kiss.

Happy enough in our sweet silence
Gets a heavenly feeling when our eyes meet
Don't doubt my love, there's lots of evidence
Your gaze can sweep me off my feet.

By my side I guarantee you that you won't shed a tear
Can't bear it even if one of your eyes cries
Can't see anything but you for I love you so dear
Just promise me forever mine are those handsome eyes.

Old Songs

How do you pick your favorite songs? Do you have a criteria or favored category and whatever fits into it will automatically be your favorite? Do you like songs that matches your personality? Or do you just go with the flow and whatever pleases your ears will go to your "favorites" list?

I tend to like songs that have somehow become "old-fashioned." I despise any song that's modern and sung by many at the present. Call me old-fashioned or weird but I'm just not into "something new". I may like a song that's trending now but it will only happen after at least five years. Why? Because they bring back memories. I like old songs because they remind me of my childhood, good old times with friends, first love memories, memories of ex-boyfriends, etc. Admit it, old songs are precious and they make us smile. They bring nostalgia, sentimentalism, beautiful sadness, unexplained bliss, and precious old moments.

I also think that songs these days lack meaning and depth. People just write songs about what they feel, even if it's offending, vulgar, or sexually explicit, not caring about juvenile listeners. They put even the most nonsensical things and just put a fast beat to produce a dance music. I greatly prefer the 90s music because love songs were so deep, pleasant to hear, and undeniably romantic. Pop music were still innocent and carefree with bubblegum melodies. However, music was ruined when the 21st century came.

Isn't it a mystery that old songs are so powerful? They move the soul and give us the true sense of true love and friendship. They keep memories alive in our hearts while being friendly to our ears.

Loving the Literature Degree

Like almost all the people who took English majors or English or Literature degree, I am now discouraged because of the people around me who doesn't seem to like the course that I am going to take. It's AB Literature. It is what my heart will say when you question it about what it likes to take up in college. For a passionate reader and writer like me, nothing else suits me like AB Literature. It is where I belong, however you look at it. It's my heart's desire, and I know how it will make me happy, however difficult it may seem.

There are some advantages of my course I found on the net:

1. You are taught critical thinking and effective communication.
2. You will develop superior writing skills.
3. By pursuing a literature degree, you signal to employers that you care about more than just money; you chose this major because you have a deep appreciation for what you study.
4. Literature students find careers that require critical thinking, interpersonal skills, and exposure to a wide range of subjects.
5. For years, studying literature has been a great way to prepare to law school.
6. Many industries are seeking employees with terrific writing skills and cultural knowledge.
7. As English is considered an international language, there is a high demand for those who can teach it abroad.
Read more on:

I feel like an outcast surrounded by accountancy and engineering students. Some people are so proud of the courses that they took or are going to take for they are sure of the big salary that is in store for them. They are constantly encouraged and reminded of the beauty of their degree, while I get silent or subtle mocks from people who are ignorant of a Literature degree. Almost all of them think that I'm going to be a teacher, a profession that is often looked down upon, but who cares? No one has the right to look down upon a noble profession such as this.

Going through this isn't easy. The only person who encourages me to pursue it and not shift to another course is my affectionate uncle, whom they said has me as his favorite niece. I, thus, have no other choice but to remember his encouragements and encourage myself too so much, as if I am equivalent to a multitude. I know myself more than they do, so their opinions would have little influence on me. At least I have a passion for literature. I am a sucker for classic novels. What would I do with those degrees that pay so much? They say that money makes the world go round, but for me, it isn't. It's happiness. Yes. I am not really after money. As long as I enjoy learning, I am satisfied. At least I will earn a degree that a match to my heart's desire, even if it's not making me rich.

Love That's True

It took you a long time, I reckon
To prove me that your love's not false
Your enticing looks, though I was beckoned
'Twas your love that opened my heart's walls.

Our love's still carefree; we're still too young
But I find much meaning in your sweet caress
Many sweet lies were told by your tongue
Now they're lovely truths to me you express.

Some chaps have tried to rob me from you
Some lasses have tried to lure you away
But our hands' grip is strong, whatever they do
Stronger we become, that's what I pray.

Though I'm still a rosebud soon to bloom
The most wonderful thing is still us two
You're itching so bad to be my groom
Because you never want to let go of our love that's true.

A Rosebud

Sometimes, being impulsive brings positive results. I tend to do things right away without thinking about the consequences - just the desire of wanting to do something. I don't really make decisions, I just go with the flow and if I really have to decide on something, I do it on the last minute. Plans always get cancelled. I just do things depending on my mood. Being impulsive actually leads to adventures, new experiences, and they're often out-of-this-world.

I just love the simple and carefree life that I am currently leading on. I actually have a lot of worries, but I don't think about them. I worry about the next novel that I will read and the things that I could do when faced with boredom. As they say, I am still childish. I don't feel that I will be a college student this June. I will surely be envious of the high school students later on (who want to be college students right away) because they still have their happy-go-lucky ways which I doubt most college students have, because of the hectic schedules and the large amount of information that needs to be absorbed by their brains.

Some people have summer classes. I often wonder why they do that. I wonder how they can be so diligent. I am too lazy for it. I actually feel that schools and universities rob me of my freedom, and I always long for summer so bad. I may not want my brain to be idle, but still my curiosity and passion makes me learn things and my carefree nature makes me have adventures with lots of lessons. I am actually in the process of knowing myself.

Finally, because I lead a happy life right now, I know that even successful people may be longing of this. They follow their minds, while I follow my heart. That's just how I am. I have no regrets, even though I was a bit lazy during my high school days. I was a bit of a rebel too. The experiences that I had made me learn lots of things that can be useful as I proceed to the next chapter of my life. I am contented with what I have now. And I am sure that my future will be very bright. I have experienced lots of struggles, and I am sure that there are still lots of them waiting for me on the way. They will help me become the beautiful woman that I am to be.

I am still a rosebud that is not yet blooming. Just wait and see.

Crying for a Loved One

Crying over a man, actually. They said that they aren't worth any tears. They scorn and say "What a foolish girl!" to maidens crying over men. Worst is, when you have a mocking mother making you sob more than comfort you in your terrible sorrow. One cannot help but cry for the fear of losing someone they love. Whatever the reason is, however ridiculous it is, saying things against girls crying over guys is just plain wrong. We've all experienced this, I'm sure. Also, anyone who does this are inconsiderate dimwits.

Crying is an expression of too much grief. Crying makes us feel better. Who says that the right man for you will never ever make you cry? I guess that person didn't ponder about his statement much. His death is the most obvious reason. Other things, such as cheating and fighting, are good reasons to cry, for it shows too much love for them that we are afraid to lose them. It is so normal. Love is bittersweet - it has a good mix of joys and aches, and that's what makes it exciting. 

When you love, you go through a risky path. You do crazy things that you never thought you could. True lovers endures any amount of pain and thinks about the happiness of their loved one. Even though you breathlessly cry for the same person over and over again, you won't care just as long as he doesn't leave you and still loves you back. However many the trials that come in your relationship are, keep in mind that all lovers naturally go through good and bad times, and the latter makes you stronger. However, sometimes we really can't help but have a pessimistic view on things. If you are meant to be, then you'll together be. Crying helps in healing. You should not be afraid of it. You should not be afraid of showing it.

Rainy Days

I hate rainy days. Whenever I wake up and I knew that it rained earlier, or it's currently raining, I always crave for more sleep. My body gets cold, especially my feet, so I tend to cuddle my pillow or teddy bear (or whatever it is that my hands can reach) and try to get another hour of slumber, not realizing that I might be late for classes. I know that many folks are like me who kind of dislike rainy days. I'd have to bring an umbrella and make my bag heavier later on. I'd accidentally get my feet wet too which feels really gross.

Actually, this is the main reason why I hate rainy days: The rain makes me less productive. Instead of getting many things done, it makes me feel tired for no reason and I would want to just sleep than do something worthwhile. The gloomy weather makes me feel gloomy too. I have read somewhere (and it's a psychological fact) that happiness inspires productivity. So there. I don't know why I have to be affected by the weather. It just makes me feel lazy, which I really am but I hate being that way.

What if it would still rain tomorrow? What am I gonna do now? That's something I still have to repair about myself. I do things according to my mood, and it has some disadvantages. Oh well. I really have to do some worthwhile things now, or else I wouldn't survive months later when I'll live in a university by myself. <3

I wanna be independent.

I wanna have my own laptop. I wanna have my own house. I wanna have my own EVERYTHING. Pretty much everything. I don't wanna depend on others. It makes them abuse you, just because you owe them something. They'll remember what they did for you, and may blackmail you for it. I don't want that. However, it's inevitable. They say that you can't trust anyone but yourself. Well, it's just so true. Even your most trusted friend can betray you. No one is forever safe. This life really pushes me to be a realist. They say that you need to be practical; but when practicality already comes to your head, I tell you - it really sucks. For me, realism is equivalent to pessimism. Maybe that's the reason why innocent children are always better than adults.

If only I could, I would be independent right at this moment. Based on my experience, people get kinda irritated when I ask help from them. Being dependent, it makes me feel stupid. I wanna do things on my own and upgrade the skills that I have to the highest level. I also get irritated at people who depend on me (which means that dependence on certain things is one quality that I hate about myself). Some people are just plain abusive. Some people ask me to do things for them ENDLESSLY maybe because they saw one time my kindness. Sorry, but that's just not who I am.

I wanna be independent. I wanna be powerful. I don't want others to step on me.

Success is the best revenge.

Yes, vengeance is not mine, I know. However, I must not live like a loser. To survive in this cruel world, one shall not be contented in who he is, what he knows, and what he is capable of. Humble geniuses aren't always recognized; those who show off and are a bit egotistical are the ones who end up being admired by the world. Although humility is a virtue, it can't always get you far. Although you know how great you are, you can always be stepped on by some self-absorbed monsters who think that they are better than you.

I was degraded, criticized, humiliated, and never appreciated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into competition. I'm just fighting for survival. Nobody already gives a damn about the virtues of the innocent lambs. Being constantly criticized and humiliated hurts, and it makes me badly want to prove myself to the offenders. The wounds that they have inflicted upon my heart screams for justice. I will get up one day and crush them into pieces.

Forgiveness is hard to give without any apology. I plan to take a literature degree, even though it is an impractical course. I just want to follow my heart to bring happiness to myself. It is my specialty and field of interest, and I know that I will do well with it. After finishing it, I plan to go to a law school. I greatly believe that I can do it. When I become a successful lawyer, no one can ever ridicule me again. If ever they fell into dark fates, I can only look down on them with scornful eyes. Also, I promise that I will be prettier than Britney Spears that they'll regret criticizing my face. Brace yourselves because I will come back to make you pay. Thanks for provoking me. [Mars in Scorpio speaking]

Love Lessons I Learned During High School

My love life has always been complicated. Close friends of mine would surely agree. I definitely haven't experienced a fairytale ending yet, and although I have been whimsical in my different love stories, confusion has never left me. I can NEVER have a simple love story, and I don't know why. I wouldn't state all the chapters of my love book, but each chapter is extraordinary like the adventures of Alice in Wonderland.
  • Never ever assume. It's nice to find out that your crush likes you back, but don't give meaning to his every actions. There are different kinds of guys: the shy type, the flirty type, and the totally nice guy. Unless he tells you sincerely and straight in your face, you can never be sure. Sometimes we think that they're being too obvious in showing that they like us, but some guys are just too friendly or flirty.
  • Don't take crushes too seriously. It's enough that they occasionally put a smile on our faces but thinking about them every minute might make our feelings deeper for them. However, their melting smiles make it too hard for us, right? Yes, we can't control our feelings but don't make it known that you cried for them because it's just too lame.
  • Loving is never wrong. When you have finally been in love with someone who loves you back, feel free to love. Cherish every moment and express your affection. This one's safer than just crushing on someone, for there is a commitment. There is nothing better than giving and receiving love with a very special person. 
  • Don't make him the center of your world. More often than not, you aren't the center of his world too. There are too many interests to have, too many books to read, too many people to meet, etc. Treating him like an idol isn't good for you. If possible, flee from obsession. 
  • Don't be with a guy whom you don't really like, and don't fool yourself by thinking that you like a guy whom you haven't met yet. This can lead to problems. If you don't or can't love him, leave. Save yourself from psycho ex-boyfriends and creepy stalkers. 
  • Don't trust guys too easily. Sometimes, playing hard to get helps. Also, don't be assured that you're the only woman in his life. Be cautious of players. Don't be fooled by outside appearances.
  • Heartbreaks are normal. Do things that would help to heal your heart. Listen to sad love songs if you want. Cry until you can cry no more. Do not blame yourself. You can scream and cry until your eyeballs pop out but don't make it known like posting melodramatic statuses in Facebook. It's just too cheap and you may look like asking for others' sympathy. 
  • Don't decide right away whom you will marry. There are plenty of fishes in the sea. There are so many guys you are yet to meet. You will see someone who's better, believe me. I was once afraid to let go and move on because I thought that nobody can love me better.
  • You can forget that guy who broke your heart and won't leave your mind. Give others a chance. Being in love with another guy is a way to forget.
  • A relationship should be full of happiness, not pain. If pain is greater than happiness, leave.
  • Date a gentleman, not a super-hot egotistical douchebag. The right man knows how to respect and treat you the right way.
  • Don't give your heart away too easily. Be wise enough to know who is worthy of your affection.Know the real him before going steady. 
  • Even though you experience heartbreak many times, do not give up your hope of having a happy ending. 
  • Don't make yourself too available. Give him a chance to miss you. Remember that you are a lady. By not doing so, he'll pursue you less because you always make the first move.

Not Like a Useless Fart

Unlike other children who like much sleep and bacon
This little girl depends on her pencils and crayons
Though very artistic she possesses weak logic
And this cruel world makes her think that it's tragic.

Her insistent heart makes her want to break rules
The world's too strict, she thinks that they're all fools
Her eccentric mind open to all possibilities
Does not want them to belittle all her capabilities.

All that she wants is to freely express
No, don't misunderstand, she doesn't aim to impress
This little girl having eyes for beauty
Wants to prettify the world, 'cause that's her duty.

She has little time to think of crushes
For most of her lifetime is spent on paintbrushes
This little girl who wholly depends on art
Badly wants to prove that she's not like a useless fart.

Strength or Stupidity

Is holding on a sign of strength or stupidity?

I've always pondered about this thing, but until now I haven't come up with an answer. I've thought that holding on is foolish because I endure the pain despite the uncertainty regarding the reciprocity of my love, but letting go is foolish too because it isn't easy for me to trash our love story. Okay, maybe I'm really dimwitted. The heart must be hearkened more in the matters of love. Well, that's my belief. Even the seemingly perfect love stories contain heartaches. However, an adult advised me that a relationship shall have more bliss than grief. Gosh, I feel dizzy.

I don't know if I should listen now to my female instincts or completely ignore it because I might just be paranoid. Is a sixteen-year-old girl matured enough? I may love immaturely but I love way too much. I don't know what will happen when maturity comes to me. I might be too busy for love then and not be an attention whore anymore. Is this what guys want? If I get too busy, they will surely get enough space. Holding on and letting go is still too hard for me. If I could just go back to my mother's womb, I really would. I am still too sensitive and prone to crying over small heartaches.

You know what? I guess I'll stick to being stupid. I'll endure the pain that love gives to test my strength. I'm just beginning to learn how to love. I'm just beginning to understand the true nature of trust, understanding, and pure love. And when the time comes when we shall be officially apart, at least my relationship with him taught me many things along with the hardships. I am both strong and stupid.

Loving Solitude

Whenever I'm weary or stressed out, I always need a "me-time" to recharge. I really mean being alone, and a day isn't enough. I need weeks of being lazy, alone, and free to do whatever I want. I might play on the computer, blog, read novels, write stuff (for my blog or diary), just on my bed and think of anything, watch romance or tearjerker movies, listen to soft love songs, draw, paint, etc. I don't want any forms of communication to anybody, because I have to spend time with myself first. I'm not really a sociable person so I might go on like this forever except when another work needs to be done.

I am happier when I'm alone, and I feel more secure. There'll be no folks to hurt my sensitive soul by their sharp tongues and violent fists. When I grow older, I have to be independent. I just have to rely on myself because human beings are selfish. I just have to enhance my skills because the world gives no special place to worthless people. This is me saying no to conformity while still struggling to survive.

Unfortunately Freed

Trying to live happily with my smiles forced
I've a terrible feeling worse than a woman divorced
I am in great anguish though it's not really my fault
And not really blissful like a free running colt.

I have this motto of following my heart
And I don't want to begin all over from the start
Although I am a lady who cares about reputation
My pride shall not matter, I'll still give him my affection.

Although has been freed as a pretty white dove
This girl still holds on, this girl who truly loves
Not really caring about looking desperate
Constantly prays, though it's all up to fate.

My heart was touched, so there's no turning back
Drowned in misery 'cause it's your love that I lack
But do not worry, 'cause I'll never ever hate
You are the one, for you forever I will wait.

Lesson I've Learned in High School

They say that the high school life is the best part of our lives. Well, I cannot say that it is for now. It's bittersweet. It has brought me satisfying friendships and lots of arduous problems. But since the bad times dominated the good times, I must say that this isn't the best part of my life. However, it taught me lots of lessons in life:

  • Accept your quirks and uniqueness. 
  • Not everyone is going to like you even if you seem like a sinless saint, so don't even try pleasing everyone.
  • Stand up for what you believe in.
  • Don't be afraid to speak your mind especially if you know that you are right.
  • A true friend will be the one on your side when it seems like the whole world has forsaken you. 
  • Don't let anyone influence your decisions. You know what's right for you, and that is your life. 
  • Anything that is not done with love and passion will not yield good results. Follow your heart all the time.
  • Character is really more important than reputation. People who matter would care to look past your eyes to see the beautiful soul underneath.
  • It is important to engage in spirituality, and the best way to do this is to free yourself from the cages of religion.
  • Heartbreaks are normal.
  • Just because he doesn't like you back, it doesn't mean that you are ugly or unworthy of anything.
  • There are girls who have natural appeal, but the simple but unique ones are cuter. 
  • You must not be dependent on anything. You are not a kid anymore. The universe favors those who knows they can get for themselves whatever they desire.
  • There will be a special someone who will love you more than anything. Just wait and love yourself first.
  • Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Enjoy your youth while it lasts.
  • Anger and hatred will destroy you. Get over everything because more often than not, all people are just concerned about themselves.
  • Do not believe anything being said to you, especially lies covered in tones of assertion. Stupid people believe anything.
  • Older people are not always right.
  • It doesn't hurt to admit your mistakes. Amend your imperfections but don't even try to desire perfection. 

Stranger in Her Own Home

She's a stranger in her own home - or maybe the people around her are the strangers. They treat each other more like acquaintances. You can't feel the presence of sweet love, joy, and peace. Yes, there is no love. What do you call a place with no love? It's hell, right? However, I am not saying that their house is inhabited by demons. There just lives a sensitive soul with a great desire of love and understanding, but no one in that four-cornered structure could give them to her. She has been living with them for sixteen years, but she still can't stand the coldness of their hearts. Maybe that's just the way they are, but she can NEVER be used to it. She really feels that she doesn't belong.

She somehow feels a trifle envy for those who can attain love in their homes. This girl has cold parents who only feels responsible for their children. Sometimes, in some certain situations, they think of themselves first before their children. She has a younger sister who is very secretive, and finds it hard to open up to her. She isn't close to her own family, although she constantly yearns for their affection. Her only ally there is her dear diary, who knows all her secrets and is the only one whom she can open up to, without any prejudices and criticisms.She can also feel the love of her dogs, which were only being shouted and kicked whenever she isn't there to protect them, because they're the only creatures in her home that can express their affections to her.

She badly wants to live independently to get rid of her hellish home. Her parents also want her to leave as soon as possible. What hurts is more is that her parents tend to swear, judge, criticize, degrade, and hurt her physically whenever they're angry and not apologize afterwards. She has a good memory, and all the times that she was abused by them is still fresh, and the wrath in her heart becomes greater too when they hurt her once more. She tries hard to forgive them but it is hard for her without hearing any apologies or explanations, because of the big pride that lurks in their hearts. The people whom she wants to depend on for anything doesn't even care for her so she looks for affection from other people.

She feels a bit of pity for herself, but most of her time is spent doing all that she wants just to forget this family problem that always breaks her heart and thinking of ways on how to prove people who criticizes and underestimates her that she is not a low-level doormat and that she can do things that aren't expected by them. She always makes a promise to herself that she won't make a home like this in the future and that she will remember her parents' faults to serve as a guide on how to treat her future children correctly, and rear them well. This girl with an ugly family background is me, and anyone with the almost same experiences knows how painful it feels.

Not of the World

Sometimes I feel by the world I'm abhorred 
Spoken against by friends and forsaken
I have nothing to lean on but myself and the Lord
So I wish to disappear and by angels be taken.

To travel the path of the Man of Sorrows
Is lonely, weary, and so full of tears
And it seems like to hell I slowly burrow
But I won't fear because my Savior's always near.

To feel the presence but be unable to see
The divine beings who only have love for this lass
Makes me sad to be in this world that has no place for me
And beg My Father to make all these come to pass.

Now I'm completely sure that I am not of this world
Which always lures me but entirely detests
This petite girl with her dark locks curled
Will soon find her place in the Kingdom and rest.

Lost Innocence

I wish I could see the world through a child's eyes
Happiness always near, and forever carefree
I wish I haven't known hurt, betrayal and lies
Rainbows and flowery meadows are all I want to see
And a girl free to love is who I want to be.

I wish they haven't taken away my innocence
I wish I have retained my childlike simplicity
I want to be surrounded by a divine fence
And be a child protected from all iniquity
And long for nothing but the company of angels in eternity.

Creatures Who Love You More Than Themselves

Dogs are the best animals ever. Now I know why they are called man's best friend. Deciding that the rabbit is my favorite animal just because it's cute is superficial. I love dogs because they are the only kind of animals that loves you more that they love themselves. Next to God, they are the complete representation of love.

Dogs' characters are formed by the way they are reared by their masters. They're just like little children. They must not be treated like pets - they must be treated like friends. Close friends. Here are the reasons why I love my dogs so much:
  • They seem to be looking forward to my homecoming because they run to me when I reach home after I left them for several hours.
  • They amuse me by their silly actions.
  • They comfort me whenever I cry by coming to me and resting their heads 
  • They are always happy to see me and it's seen through their wiggly tails and smiling faces.
  • They are glad that they are adopted by me and they return that favor.
They're just so lovable. Sometimes I just get teary-eyed because of the realization that they are better companions than humans. Men can forsake, betray, and hurt me but I doubt that dogs can do those things to me. They may not communicate with me through words but their actions are enough to tell me that they love me. If they can only talk, I know that they would say comforting and happy words to express their love. Sometimes I think that they are sent by God for that purpose. I hope they really are.

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