Thoughts on Sexual Repression


When I think of sexual repression, I feel indignant. There is something wrong with allowing only males to express their sexuality while females and the LGBTQ+ are shamed for expressing their sexuality. Obviously, there is power play behind this.

Patriarchy. That overvaluing of masculine principles and the downplaying of anything other than the masculine. It’s honestly getting a bit old-fashioned now.

I grew up in a country that is predominantly Roman Catholic, and in a family that is very conservative. Growing up, I was taught that sex in itself is not wrong, that males engaging in sex are “normal,” but women who engage in sex, except inside marriage, are whores. Growing up, I witnessed almost each woman’s early deflowering in their teens by their boyfriends being treated as a news flash. Boys would often talk about the girl who has been deflowered, or who actively engages in sex, as really dirty – as if their dicks that have done a lot of promiscuous stuff are clean. Sadly, not only boys shun girls who embrace their sexuality; girls often condemn each other as whores too. And that is a damn shame.

I grew up being ashamed of my sexuality. When I was in grade school, and my classmates and I were starting to experience puberty, I often hear my guy classmates making sexual jokes that amused them but disgusted the girls. Boys were free to mention sexual stuff but the girls were totally mum about it. Somehow, my environment taught me that girls don’t like sex, and girls don’t even like to think about sex because it’s not in their nature. So when I started exploring my sexuality at a young age, and discovered the world of masturbation on my own, I felt disgusted with myself and I thought that there was something wrong with me. Nobody talked to me about it – not my mother, not my teachers – so I kept it a secret.

When I went to college far from my hometown and had a taste of freedom, I learned to embrace my sexuality bit by bit. I started wearing denim shorts often, almost transparent blouses, lacy shirts, and clothes that hug my figure. I felt empowered. What I saw in the mirror was a true woman. I was just being me; I wasn’t trying to hide my sexuality through my clothing. And that’s when I felt my personal power. If our power is also connected to our sexuality, then it would make sense why female sexuality was suppressed for many centuries. Unfortunately, it still goes on until now, with all these slut-shaming, victim blaming, and guilt that is instilled upon women’s (or homosexual people’s) minds regarding the expression of their sexuality.

I just want to live in a society where I could freely be sexual with the man I love, without people, especially women, condemning me for it. The reason why I am still virgin until now is partly because of the fear that society would shun me for fully embracing my sexuality, and partly because I still haven’t met a guy to experience true love with. If I am going to give all of myself to someone, I’d like to make sure that that person can be really trusted because I take my sexuality very seriously. I’d give it to someone who would value it. And someday, I’d like to be really sexually free with someone. I have a lot of fear with regards to giving away my poom poom because of the way my mother raised me, and because I actually experience a lot of slut-shaming in my life. People often tell me that I have a sexual look, so some of my first impressions with people may be based solely on that. I also had a bad relationship with an ex-boyfriend, wherein he would repeatedly slut-shame me when he gets angry, saying degrading stuff like I should just let the tricycle drivers here fuck me. Possessive and jealous exes would also already label me a whore just for talking to a guy for schoolwork. It’s nasty. I’ve had a lot of sexually repressive experiences which made me firmly believe that one wrong move could potentially make people around me believe that I am a dirty woman.

I find it distasteful when sexuality is used for gaining attention or publicity. Celebrities, for example, use their sexuality either for attention or for genuine expressions of their sexuality. The latter is empowering, but the former is definitely not – the use of sexuality for attention only gives sexuality (esp. female sexuality) a bad rap. Someday, I would really love to express my sexuality without any degrading attachments to it. I don’t want my precious sexuality to be blocked anymore by what the public would think. Why do we have genitals? Were they made for us to hide and degrade but secretly get pleasure from? Who ever generalized that sex is dirty anyway? Well, it can be dirty (sexual abuse, incest, rape, molestation, etc.), but it can also be wonderful (intimacy, lovemaking, pleasure between lovers). I just hope that one day, the world would wake up and realize that sexual repression is ridiculous. And that it should STOP.

My Close Guy Friend

Disclaimer: This post is about my personal life, my deepest emotions in the recent days, my personal feelings for somebody, and my thoughts regarding the existing connection between me and a certain person. I don’t really mean to publicize my life or something like that, but I just have to get this off my chest. I feel really deep emotions right now that I cannot just easily articulate this to the people around me. But they’d understand just by looking at me, I guess.


I have a guy friend right now, and he’s four years older than me. I will name him Ronan in this blog post. Ronan and I are close friends – that is our label – although we like each other romantically. We could have been in a relationship in an instant, but there are still some strong, impregnable blocks in our lives which do not permit us to be together, at least for now. I have really tried to understand why, but I still got frustrated with him, which led to us not being in touch with each other for a little while. There were some anger and sadness between us because of our situation which led us to give each other some space and focus on other things.

But now that we have reunited, and talked to each other personally again, things became clearer and the friendship has become stronger. As he talked about what happened to him, about what he felt about us suddenly disconnecting, how he feels about the whole situation, and what he feels for me, I listened and tried my hardest to be receptive, open-minded, and loving. My heart felt happy for setting my ego and pride aside and understanding him again. And I really did understand him. In fact, we have understood each other perfectly ever since we have connected. It feels like he is a soulmate, or perhaps someone I have karmic ties with, since the understanding and connection between the two of us is so strong and deep. (For astrology enthusiasts out there: we have Pluto in the 1st house in our composite chart. Also a Scorpio composite ascendant. And a Pluto conjunct Venus aspect in our synastry chart. So things are extreme even though we are both mild people.)

We admitted that we missed each other so much after not talking for quite some time. He mentioned to me that he experienced withdrawal symptoms after I told him to not talk to me because he got addicted in talking to me often. We both felt negative about it at that time, but we realized that giving each other space was actually a positive thing. I was able to focus on academic stuff and now I am able to finally graduate. He, on the other hand, told me that it helped him because he had too much work in his office and someone he calls dramatic was giving him a hard time daily. He told me that the space we gave to each other made him more able to breathe. And it’s the same for me – life had been hard for us recently.

Now that we’ve cleared things up and connected to each other again, we both have learned from our mistakes, and everything that was under the surface came into light. I am now able to detach myself from the situation, ignore the negative stuff, and focus on the positive stuff between us. If we’re friends, then I’m blessed to have him as a friend. If ever future circumstances prevent us from being lovers, then so be it. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If not, then better things will come. Right now, we love each other as friends. And we can both feel that the love is genuine. I just know right now that I feel a lot of love for him, I will love him forever no matter what happens, and I always have his back. Whatever happens in the future does not matter to me now. I just know that my heart feels happy to be exuding this great amount of love for him. 

The Closed Window


For about a year, I lived in this two-storey apartment to finish my education. Every time I look out the window, or walk out the door, the immediate view that can be seen are roofs of many different houses in this neighborhood. Among these houses which roofs I can see, there is one particular house that has a window that is always closed. And I was particularly intrigued by it.

I always wonder why that window is closed. I wonder if it is an abandoned house – and if it is, then there must be someone in the past who used to look out that window. I imagine that there is a young maiden whose bedroom has that window, and looks out that window in a mysterious way. I don’t imagine someone who’s a “Maria Clara” type of woman, or a modest, shy, and very covered type of woman, but a beautiful girl who wears a spaghetti-strapped shirt. I imagine that every time people see her by her window, she would eye them suspiciously, immediately withdraw, and then close the window.

My imagination has even given her a personality. I imagine her as being really mysterious and not saying much. She also has this sensuality, and sexual vibes to her, although I don’t imagine her as being promiscuous. I imagine her as having many suitors in her neighborhood because of her mysteriousness, and the fact that she often hides her beauty inside her room instead of going out to the public and beaming out her beauty like a little ball of sunshine. However, I imagine her as having to deal with a myriad of untrue rumors about her because people don’t actually know the real her but people know her because she is intriguing without meaning to. But she just kind of shakes these rumors off, privately scoffing at these people, and continues to retreat to her own little world.

I’ve been intrigued by this closed window for a few months. Recently, however, the window was being opened and I can already see what goes on inside the room daily. I see a mother and his son relaxing on the bed. There was nothing else to see besides that. Every single day, I tried to look inside that window to see something else. Or someone else. But there was nothing interesting inside. I then realized that my imagination may not be real. That that woman may only be living inside the window of my mind – because in reality, what’s inside that closed window is not really interesting. It was only interesting to me when it was closed. As soon as it was opened, and I saw what’s inside of it for what it really is, I started to become bored of my made-up mystery of the closed window. It isn’t worth my attention now.

That made me realize the importance of not really revealing too much about yourself. One way of being interesting to others is to be like a closed window sometimes - to keep some secrets to yourself, and not tell everything that’s interesting about you in order to get attention. Most things or people that fascinate us are those that we cannot understand or figure out. There is a value to being a private and secretive person. I have also realized that there are just some people in the world who seem so mysterious, who just give out the vibes of being a jigsaw puzzle to be solved, that the people around them feel the need to make up lots of different and often exaggerated stories about them. In cases like this, the only person who knows the truth is the person himself. And oftentimes, the truth is not as complicated as everyone thinks. 

The Loveliest Rose in the World (Poem)


I had the loveliest rose in the world –

A rose that sprinkles me beauty,
A rose that grounded me,
A rose that mirrored what my true worth is.

So nothing made me more joyous than
The loveliest rose in the world
Which had the rare ability
To make me see the divine in me.
Insignificant as I am,
I was chosen to bask in its rainbow light
And this rose had a healing stare
That would always make me feel understood.

Like a statue in a Greek pantheon
I put the rose in a pedestal of my mind,
Thought of it as immortal,
Or made of unbreakable steel.

Bit by bit
I saw the rose weakened by time
Devoured by pests sent by nature
And made ugly by negligence
That I only perceived its hideous thorns.

The once loveliest rose in the world
Came to its unforeseen end
Though I wanted to keep it for eternity
The time has come for me to bury it
Beneath the soil that once nourished it
And move onto a solitary path
Carrying only a crumpled petal
Of the once loveliest rose.

--- A. C.

My Venus in Scorpio (Astrology)

Ethan Hawke. Image:

I have my Venus, Mars, and Pluto in the sign of Scorpio, so I’m pretty intense. My Mars and Pluto are conjunct each other too. My water grand trine and Cancer moon are also factors for my emotional nature and maybe even depth. In this post, I will share what it’s like for me to have a Venus in Scorpio.

Venus is the planet of love; while Scorpio is a very sexual, investigative, obsessive, and possessive sign. I definitely cannot separate love from sex. I really cannot be intimate with someone I do not love. I find it boring, unnecessary, and disgusting even (no offense to people who enjoy casual sex – this is just me). I don’t engage in casual sex because what makes me happy is being sexual with a man that I can call mine. Yes, the person has to be mine. I am pretty possessive when it comes to relationships, and it makes me happy that my boyfriend or maybe my potential spouse is all mine. He’s mine. Mine. However, if my partner does not like the feeling of being possessed (not in an immature way where I always have to know my partner’s whereabouts and what he is doing every minute), I start to think that that person is not the right one for me. I do not like the flighty and wishy-washy types who do not want commitment. What I want is absolute commitment, a commitment for life if possible, because I will do whatever I can in order to please my partner. And I love hard. Especially when I’m with the right person.

Also, I noticed that I like men and women who are hot. In the Victoria’s Secret fashion shows for example, my favorite is Adriana Lima because I think she is the hottest one in the bunch. I don’t necessarily look at the body – I’m not picky about the body, but the person has to have an innate sensuality in them. Some people are just hot even without revealing their body. And that is my type. For the men too, or for my potential partners, I always pick men who are hot. Even if they don’t look attractive to some people when it comes to their face, I always get into relationships with them if they are hot. I get drawn to men with intense looks, facial hair, broad shoulders, and if they are significantly taller than me. They have to have that smoldering look, like I would feel that they’re going to rape me just by the look of their eyes. I like men who emit a silent but powerful aura, kind of like Michael Corleone. He has to be dominant and deep, someone who can try to possess me too. We can try to possess each other. And it would be wonderful.

Drake. Image:

I prefer similar qualities in men and women because both my Mars and Venus are in the sign of Scorpio. I find both men and women beautiful and lovable if they seem very hot and sensual to me. I just don’t go for a beautiful or a handsome face. Beauty is incomplete by itself; it has to have substance and depth. And I have this pattern of getting into relationships with men that I desire. I have to feel that I desire a man before I can be sure that I would be happy in committing to him. He has to make me ache for him. I want to desire him so much and I want that desire to be reciprocated. (Of course it has to be reciprocated – if the man I like does not pursue me hard enough, I would think that he does not desire me as badly as I desire him, and it would be a turn off for me.) Even if a man has many nice qualities, even if he is powerful, financially stable, and handsome, I wouldn’t want to be with him if I am not physically attracted to him. If he is not hot, then no. It may sound ridiculous, but I have actually tried to get into relationships with men that I don’t find hot and intense enough even if they have other very good qualities in them – and these relationships did not last long. They just weren’t my type and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t force myself to love people that are not up to my specific standards. Not because I am picky, but because choosing men who have a lot of good qualities other than what I am actually looking for means I listen to my head more than my heart in picking boyfriends – it fails because the mind has nothing to do with love. And I have Venus and Mars in Scorpio. I can’t argue with my astrological blueprint.

Having a Venus in Scorpio, I can also be quite possessive and obsessive in love, especially when I am with someone that I really like. However, I think most people with Venus in Scorpio also attract stalkers and people who are obsessed with them because we attract things based on the energy that we emit. We get what we give out to the universe. I love sooo hard, I obsess over people I like, but I also get harassed by people whom I know or don’t know who seem obsessed and they do ridiculous things just to get my attention. I am not bragging; I know lots of people with Venus in Scorpio and they have the same experiences. And we do not like it, honestly. When we want someone, we want them with all our heart; but when we are being pursued by someone we do not want, we kind of hate them and feel disgusted and harassed – because usually, these pursuers that we do not like don’t back down so easily. They’re creepy, scary, and stalker-like. And that’s one bad thing about Venus in Scorpio, I guess. I personally get harsh with people who pursue me that I do not like because they can’t understand what “no” means. They always think they have a chance, which is not true, because a Venus in Scorpio person has strong likes and dislikes. I personally had to be harsh to my ex-boyfriends and former pursuers because they just wouldn’t stop harassing me.

Leonardo DiCaprio. Image:

I usually get attracted to men and women with dominant Scorpio placements. Drake, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Ethan Hawke are my ideal men. They are the type of men that I want to be in a relationship with. I want men like them to take care of me. All of them are Scorpios with Venus in Scorpio. Most men that I have met in my lifetime who have Venus in Scorpio are my biggest crushes. I kid you not. I get attracted to them so much, and instantly, and when I find out that they have Venus in Scorpio, it all suddenly makes sense to me. I get instantly and obsessively attracted to Venus in Scorpio men even if I don’t get into relationships with them. It’s amazing. Also, my close female friends usually have Scorpio risings, Scorpio moons, Scorpio suns, Scorpio something. Or, if they don’t have dominant Scorpio placements, they usually have a loaded 8th house. And we attract each other like magnets.

And that is how my Venus in Scorpio placement manifests in my life. My relationships always have to be deep and even complicated. I also don’t mind pain sometimes, as long as it would get me what I desire in the end. For me, this placement is intense and often misunderstood, but it’s really very beautiful and consuming. 

A Guy's Lips (Dream)

Marlon Brando. Image:

Me: Hi Lawrence! I had a nice dream last night. In my dream I remember there was a nice guy and we kind of like each other but we’re both being secretive about it, something like that. I adored him in my dream, and he has nice lips. His lips were always featured and it was beautiful. Even if I was trying to look at his eyes I just get attracted to his lips, it’s beautiful. Someone would sing, then I would sing too, then I’d suddenly see him singing holding the microphone with his reddish beautiful lips. Does that dream have a meaning?

Lawrence: Yes
It might mean that you might be attracted to some guy sexually very soon that appeals to you
It doesn’t mean that you actually get involved, but there is a chance to get involved :)
Some guy will be lucky to be with you
Hope I helped
Love your dreamsssssss


Sweet Dream about My Dad


Me: I dreamt that I was in a room with many different choices of delicious food and I can eat whatever I want. Then I saw Papa and he was so handsome. So handsome than in real life. I was really struck by his handsomeness in my dream but I had no doubt that he was my father. His facial features did not change. I thought to myself in my dream, “I must have inherited the handsomeness from him.” LOL. I then told him, “Pa, you’re really handsome.” He was delighted that he threw me in the air like a baby and I felt like a spoiled little kid. The next thing I know I was eating delicious food in the room.

Lawrence: It means you still love your father even if there are times you don’t like him. That’s my simple vibe on him and your dream. J

Yes I do love him. So much. No matter what. And I don’t know why. I’m a Daddy’s girl even though he did not necessarily always favor me growing up. I love the dog first in my family, then Papa second. <3

The Cat


I had dinner with my friends here in the university last night because it was our friend’s birthday. While we were eating, a cat kept on trying to climb onto my lap, as if we were close friends (and I’m saying this in a sarcastic way). It was giving me a cute expression so I would give it food. But no matter how many times I feed it, and no matter how many times I shoo it away, it kept on climbing onto my lap. It was even rubbing its wet nose on my hand. The cat was really sweet that I wanted to keep him. However, I was also busy eating and singing in the karaoke that night that I somehow found the cat annoying. I also thought that the cat might be dirty since it appears to be a stray cat. Still, the cat would not stop being affectionate to me. It’s as if it picked me as its favorite human among all of the people who were eating in that place that night.

I just remembered that lovely cat as I was thinking of some people around me who are just negative – those people who always put other people down just so they could feel superior. I just have some acquaintances who always feel like they are in some sort of competition with other people. In Tagalog, ayaw magpatalo, gusto laging angat. They’re really uncomfortable to be around because they’re always comparing themselves to other people and it’s as if they always put themselves and other people in some sort of a hierarchy in their minds. It’s so egocentric, immature, and “unevolved,” if you’d ask me. I wonder how crappy those people might really feel deep inside since constantly comparing oneself to other people would really give rise to feelings of insecurity.

I was so stressed out about these people in my life that the thought of that stranger cat comforted me a little. We are not familiar with each other but that cat gave me positive attention that night. My friend told me that the cat really favors me because it always goes to me whenever we eat at that place. And honestly, I have felt a deeper connection with that cat than with the other people that I meet every day. I don’t know how the cat does that but I have really felt love from it. But aside from that cat, there was also a puppy that visited our apartment and it just ran towards me. The owners of the puppy apologized since they did not mean to disturb us, but I was just happy that the puppy went straight for me and licked my foot. It seems like the animals are into me even though I am not that into them.

I just hope that we learn a thing or two from these animals. They’re just here to love people. They have no insecurities whatsoever. They may have ticks, skin diseases, injured paws, a blind eye or whatever, but they don’t care. They do what they want to do without caring what people (or animals) think. And if they love you, and favored you, they wouldn’t care whether you couldn’t sing like Mariah Carey or if you just got dumped or if your face is full of acne. They love you if they love you because they love you and that’s it. They’re just so full of love and we don’t even notice it sometimes because we are so busy with our lives. 

Womb Blood Cleanse (Poem)

Womb Blood Cleanse


As my womb blood cleanses all my sorrows out
The moon is in the Crab, and my joy is in drought
I wonder if the blood would take away all your memories
And make your bonny face in my mind transitory.

When I stared at my blood, I suddenly imagined
If I stayed with you longer my hands would be stained
Because I swear, my love, if I never did leave
For one of us three a ghastly future I’ll weave.

Since I got myself tangled in your web of promises
A handsome dwelling with intentions as dark as molasses
Me being alone in suffering and grief will do
Than to feel like I am Satan when I see the two of you.

And as my womb blood cleanses all my agonies out
Torture is what my encounters with you are all about
So I pray that it takes away everything about you
For the wonderland I experienced with you is untrue.

 Anthea C.

Unavailable: A Relationship Pattern

“Everything that you experience is another version of yourself…Everything that you manifest in your external world – every relationship you bring in, every experience that you have, even every physical item that you acquire – is a representation of what is going on in your inner world. Our material experience is our inner world incarnate.” – Gigi Young

I am single for almost two years now, but I’d like to share an interesting pattern in my “relationships” (kind of) or in the potential partners that I attract since January of 2017 until now (because the year is almost ending).

I am the kind of person who loves to be in love and is the happiest when in love, so I get excited when romance comes into my life. During 2016, I was feeling desperate to have my next relationship because I feel empty when I don’t have one. For the whole year, it felt like the universe was so stingy in giving me a boyfriend. My love life was barren. But when 2017 came, I just became indifferent regarding relationships, and I just got focused on myself and taking all the baby steps necessary in reaching my goals. So my point is that I find it ironic that whenever I start focusing on myself, attractive people come into my life to distract me. The first of this year happened on January 2017 and I ended the last of them just a few days ago.


I got into a month-long relationship (but it’s not official, of course) with a handsome Arab man who lives in the UK. He was ten years older than me. The relationship was very short but I thought it was so intense. We were already planning about how the two of us will meet, how he will introduce me to his family, how I could change my religion (despite my parents’ objections) so I could marry him, and how he would finance my college education in the UK so I could work and settle there. At the tender age of 21, I thought I finally found the one. Everything was already planned out and I was crazy for him. However – I found out that he had a little girl about four years of age. But he said he was already separated from his wife. (So he was married too.) He told me that it was very complicated – that he had an arranged marriage, but he and his wife could not get along. So what he meant by “separated” is that they sleep in separate houses but he could not divorce her because of social and religious reasons. However, he told me that his religion allows him to have more than one wife so I could be the second. Guess what? I agreed because I thought I loved him. But just two weeks later, despite my intense attraction and feeling of devotion for that man, I felt that he was not focused on me and he could go on a day or two without hearing from me. I felt that I was just a side chick. I am also really, really, REALLY possessive when it comes to romance, so I really would not be able to bear that I am not his only one. So one day I asked him, “Are you serious about me?” It took him a long time to answer. And that's when I knew that he wasn’t. He then got mad that I was “doubting” him. But for me, my doubts themselves were a sign of something wrong. So I ended what we had, even though I thought my future with him was already planned. It was really crazy. For a short time I thought I would really marry him and convert to his religion so I was kind of anxious and full of uncertainty. But I thought I wasn’t ready yet. I was just 21. And I got out of that relationship with a heavy sigh of relief.

Two months later, my sister’s friend who was older than me by one year befriended me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I, however, did not feel any physical attraction for him even though he kinda looks good; in Tagalog, “pwede na,” but I only wanted to be his friend. I only felt pity and pressure because he was really expecting me to be his girlfriend even though I told him that I didn’t want to. When I became firm in rejecting him, he got mad at me and unfollowed me on Facebook and Instagram. But I didn’t care because at that time, I was also being contacted by someone that I thought was cute. (Months later, I found out that I was the only one who found him cute.) He was three years younger than me but I chose not to care. We had a special relationship, and he was so dear to me, but he was not offering me a commitment. He kept telling the lie that his parents won’t permit him to have a girlfriend. For about three months I was crazy about him. I was already imagining the two of us going on dates. But then I noticed that he was keeping me a secret from his family or from anyone. He talked to me less and less. I would get angry but then he kept saying sorry. When we finally met (and that was the last time), I realized that I was involved with a preschooler, that he was so boring, that he didn’t really like me and that I didn’t like him too, and that I was only in love with the image of him and not with the real him. I then told him to stop contacting me again. It was nice that there had been no commitment between us.


June came. I was so bored with my life that I had lots of time wondering about my next relationship. But at the same time, I was also doing stuff for my future, like taking beauty classes and editing my undergraduate thesis over and over again. My classmate Gemma (not her real name) and I met to drink somewhere because she just broke up with her ex-boyfriend. We were just drinking and talking and not paying attention to anyone. Suddenly, a very good-looking guy just straight up asked for my number. I froze because I didn’t know what to do. But deep inside, I was flattered that a very handsome guy paid attention to me. People who know me when I was in high school or in grade school would understand why I get surprised when handsome guys pay attention to me. It’s because I am not used to it! I was an unattractive dork back then. And so, Gemma smiled mischievously and told me to just give it to him. And then we started talking. He was pursuing me. He was being a gentleman and he led me to believe that he wanted a relationship with me. People with closed and prejudiced minds would roll their eyes to this but girls who have been through this would understand. Sometimes there are just guys who pursue girls but then people would still put the blame on the girl if those guys just vanish into thin air and the girl fell in love (we’re in a patriarchal society, surprise surprise). So basically, what happened is that we had another date. People always looked at us when we were together (I told you he was that handsome). But then later on he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship – the jerk just wanted to be intimate. Obviously I declined because duh. My heart sank and I got angry because he did things so I would trust him and fall in love with him in order for him to get into my pants. So he got a “Gago ka” remark from me and we parted ways and never talked to each other again. I found out later on through Gemma that this guy’s friend told her that he already had a girlfriend even before we met. He lied to me many times just to get what he wanted. What an asshole.

A month later, I went to an office somewhere to process some documents. It is something related to my life goals too *wink*. Then someone in that office started hitting on me. I thought it was innocent at first but then the conversation lasted so long even though other people were also waiting. I knew he wanted something from me when he asked me if I had time for coffee later. I said no. But then later on at night, he texted my number which he got from the paper that I filled up with personal information. I replied because I had nothing else to do, but believe me, I wasn’t attracted to him and he looked ten years older than me. I then found out that he was ten years older than me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. But I did not. I rejected him but he kept on pursuing me. I didn’t learn right away that he already had two kids but no wife (only an ex-girlfriend he’s still in contact with); but still, he had a family. And I don’t want that. He was a nice guy, a smart guy, and he was persistent, but all I can see regarding my future with him is chaos. My possessiveness wouldn’t want a man who has a family already, no. But it got to the point where he felt like I was his even though I clearly rejected him that I had to cut him from my life brutally. Yes, I was harsh. But life would even be harsher to me if I get involved with someone like that.

And just this August, I was contacted by someone that I knew here in the university three or four years ago. He tried talking to me on Facebook and he asked me if I knew him. I said I didn’t. Eventually, I found out that he was the one who used to always visit our former boarding house. My friends definitely found him very handsome too but nobody said anything because he had a girlfriend at that time. He told me that I was his crush when he was still in the university and he was telling people about it, even his girlfriend at that time. And girl, I can’t describe how I felt when he said that! He was so handsome I didn’t feel that I deserved his admiration! I was also crushing on him too but I wasn’t thinking of him because my ex-boyfriend at that time was courting me. And since that conversation, we have been talking to each other daily. We enjoy each other’s company so much that we got to the level of mutual understanding. However, I only knew by September that he has someone attached to him. He told me she was not his girlfriend but the girl believes that they are together. She was even planning their wedding. And they are now living together  for two years. I didn’t mind it at first; but when things got deeper and deeper between us, I started getting bothered by the presence of the “third party” in his life. I told him to take drastic measures in getting rid of her but he wasn’t listening to me. Either he is a coward or he doesn’t like me that much to exterminate anything that makes me jealous. He told me that after the girl walks out of his life, he would still want to remain single since he hadn’t had tasted freedom for so long. I remained in the friendzone but he still treated me like a girlfriend. We had a complicated relationship. And by the end of October, I started getting tired of this relationship dynamic. It was just fine for him but it was already getting emotionally damaging for me. Since we are just “friends,” I told him that we should stop talking to each other for a while instead of saying that we should break up. But for me, I was already cutting ties with him. I knew that it’s time to save myself and to pay attention to myself first because I was already starting to get really hurt.


Now, as you may have noticed, I have been attracting unavailable partners. They’re either already committed to someone else, or not committed but could not commit to me. Not one of them could give me the security that every girl needs in a relationship. And that is the relationship pattern that I keep on attracting for this year. Yes, it sucks.

Because I love watching “woo woo” videos on YouTube, I have come across Gigi Young’s videos about relationships. Her video “Why A Relationship Has Not Manifested InYour Life…Yet” completely resonated with me. She said that it is because we are not in a relationship with ourselves. It basically means that we haven’t found ourselves yet by not living our life purpose. And I know I’m not. Right now I’m lost and directionless. Career opportunities keep presenting themselves in front of me but I couldn’t grasp them. I just can’t. Because I haven’t graduated yet! Right now, that is the only big obstacle that’s left for me to overcome in order to move on with my life and establish a career for myself.
“That relationship won’t come to you because it will distract you from discovering yourself and your higher self doesn’t want that…The relationship will come when you take responsibility for your purpose in this life.” – Gigi Young

It’s as if Father Saturn, or maybe the whole universe, keeps on throwing and throwing romantic opportunities for me that are not real or long-lasting in order for me to wake up. It’s as if I’m being yelled at from the spirit side, “WHEN. WILL. YOU. LEARRRRN?!!!” I just can’t seem to learn from my previous mistakes! I keep opening my hearts to people who eventually break it just because I thought I could be happy with their physical attractiveness alone. I also know that I should focus on no one else but myself right now, but I can’t help it, I love being in love. As soon as my heart has healed from a previous heartache, it’s ready to love again. It can’t get jaded. It’s as if my heart is a stubbornly hopeful child.

I know I’ll have the real thing someday. Someday, if not now. I just have to focus on myself first. Ciao!

Another Singing Dream

Me: Last night I dreamt that we were singing songs for our college graduation. We were handed papers with song lyrics (it won’t happen in real life). However, my best friend/roommate and I felt a bit naughty, snuck out of the room, and did not practice. Then we saw my classmate (who was about to graduate with us in real life, but something happened that prevented her to) sobbing outside the room. She would not go inside even though we told her to, and she looks scared and really sad. Because we saw her, I told my friend that we should just practice or else we would just embarrass ourselves later on. And so we sang. But the people around were not taking it seriously, I thought. During the final rehearsal, nobody has memorized the lyrics at heart, including me. Someone took my copy away from me so I just sang without reading the lyrics and tried to hit the high notes. I didn’t know what I was doing but some people are clapping. I just loved singing in my dream that I didn’t care whether the lyrics were wrong. That is all. J


Lawrence: You should go to places where they have mic nights to sing songs,
You can write poetry and turn poetry into music
You need attention, music and singing would give you that in real life
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