Sweet Dream about My Dad

Image: tumblr.com

Me: I dreamt that I was in a room with many different choices of delicious food and I can eat whatever I want. Then I saw Papa and he was so handsome. So handsome than in real life. I was really struck by his handsomeness in my dream but I had no doubt that he was my father. His facial features did not change. I thought to myself in my dream, “I must have inherited the handsomeness from him.” LOL. I then told him, “Pa, you’re really handsome.” He was delighted that he threw me in the air like a baby and I felt like a spoiled little kid. The next thing I know I was eating delicious food in the room.

Lawrence: It means you still love your father even if there are times you don’t like him. That’s my simple vibe on him and your dream. J

Yes I do love him. So much. No matter what. And I don’t know why. I’m a Daddy’s girl even though he did not necessarily always favor me growing up. I love the dog first in my family, then Papa second. <3

The Cat

image: tumblr.com

I had dinner with my friends here in the university last night because it was our friend’s birthday. While we were eating, a cat kept on trying to climb onto my lap, as if we were close friends (and I’m saying this in a sarcastic way). It was giving me a cute expression so I would give it food. But no matter how many times I feed it, and no matter how many times I shoo it away, it kept on climbing onto my lap. It was even rubbing its wet nose on my hand. The cat was really sweet that I wanted to keep him. However, I was also busy eating and singing in the karaoke that night that I somehow found the cat annoying. I also thought that the cat might be dirty since it appears to be a stray cat. Still, the cat would not stop being affectionate to me. It’s as if it picked me as its favorite human among all of the people who were eating in that place that night.

I just remembered that lovely cat as I was thinking of some people around me who are just negative – those people who always put other people down just so they could feel superior. I just have some acquaintances who always feel like they are in some sort of competition with other people. In Tagalog, ayaw magpatalo, gusto laging angat. They’re really uncomfortable to be around because they’re always comparing themselves to other people and it’s as if they always put themselves and other people in some sort of a hierarchy in their minds. It’s so egocentric, immature, and “unevolved,” if you’d ask me. I wonder how crappy those people might really feel deep inside since constantly comparing oneself to other people would really give rise to feelings of insecurity.

I was so stressed out about these people in my life that the thought of that stranger cat comforted me a little. We are not familiar with each other but that cat gave me positive attention that night. My friend told me that the cat really favors me because it always goes to me whenever we eat at that place. And honestly, I have felt a deeper connection with that cat than with the other people that I meet every day. I don’t know how the cat does that but I have really felt love from it. But aside from that cat, there was also a puppy that visited our apartment and it just ran towards me. The owners of the puppy apologized since they did not mean to disturb us, but I was just happy that the puppy went straight for me and licked my foot. It seems like the animals are into me even though I am not that into them.

I just hope that we learn a thing or two from these animals. They’re just here to love people. They have no insecurities whatsoever. They may have ticks, skin diseases, injured paws, a blind eye or whatever, but they don’t care. They do what they want to do without caring what people (or animals) think. And if they love you, and favored you, they wouldn’t care whether you couldn’t sing like Mariah Carey or if you just got dumped or if your face is full of acne. They love you if they love you because they love you and that’s it. They’re just so full of love and we don’t even notice it sometimes because we are so busy with our lives. 

Womb Blood Cleanse (Poem)

Womb Blood Cleanse

image: pinterest.com

As my womb blood cleanses all my sorrows out
The moon is in the Crab, and my joy is in drought
I wonder if the blood would take away all your memories
And make your bonny face in my mind transitory.

When I stared at my blood, I suddenly imagined
If I stayed with you longer my hands would be stained
Because I swear, my love, if I never did leave
For one of us three a ghastly future I’ll weave.

Since I got myself tangled in your web of promises
A handsome dwelling with intentions as dark as molasses
Me being alone in suffering and grief will do
Than to feel like I am Satan when I see the two of you.

And as my womb blood cleanses all my agonies out
Torture is what my encounters with you are all about
So I pray that it takes away everything about you
For the wonderland I experienced with you is untrue.


 Anthea C.

Unavailable: A Relationship Pattern

“Everything that you experience is another version of yourself…Everything that you manifest in your external world – every relationship you bring in, every experience that you have, even every physical item that you acquire – is a representation of what is going on in your inner world. Our material experience is our inner world incarnate.” – Gigi Young

I am single for almost two years now, but I’d like to share an interesting pattern in my “relationships” (kind of) or in the potential partners that I attract since January of 2017 until now (because the year is almost ending).

I am the kind of person who loves to be in love and is the happiest when in love, so I get excited when romance comes into my life. During 2016, I was feeling desperate to have my next relationship because I feel empty when I don’t have one. For the whole year, it felt like the universe was so stingy in giving me a boyfriend. My love life was barren. But when 2017 came, I just became indifferent regarding relationships, and I just got focused on myself and taking all the baby steps necessary in reaching my goals. So my point is that I find it ironic that whenever I start focusing on myself, attractive people come into my life to distract me. The first of this year happened on January 2017 and I ended the last of them just a few days ago.

image: tenor.com

I got into a month-long relationship (but it’s not official, of course) with a handsome Arab man who lives in the UK. He was ten years older than me. The relationship was very short but I thought it was so intense. We were already planning about how the two of us will meet, how he will introduce me to his family, how I could change my religion (despite my parents’ objections) so I could marry him, and how he would finance my college education in the UK so I could work and settle there. At the tender age of 21, I thought I finally found the one. Everything was already planned out and I was crazy for him. However – I found out that he had a little girl about four years of age. But he said he was already separated from his wife. (So he was married too.) He told me that it was very complicated – that he had an arranged marriage, but he and his wife could not get along. So what he meant by “separated” is that they sleep in separate houses but he could not divorce her because of social and religious reasons. However, he told me that his religion allows him to have more than one wife so I could be the second. Guess what? I agreed because I thought I loved him. But just two weeks later, despite my intense attraction and feeling of devotion for that man, I felt that he was not focused on me and he could go on a day or two without hearing from me. I felt that I was just a side chick. I am also really, really, REALLY possessive when it comes to romance, so I really would not be able to bear that I am not his only one. So one day I asked him, “Are you serious about me?” It took him a long time to answer. And that's when I knew that he wasn’t. He then got mad that I was “doubting” him. But for me, my doubts themselves were a sign of something wrong. So I ended what we had, even though I thought my future with him was already planned. It was really crazy. For a short time I thought I would really marry him and convert to his religion so I was kind of anxious and full of uncertainty. But I thought I wasn’t ready yet. I was just 21. And I got out of that relationship with a heavy sigh of relief.

Two months later, my sister’s friend who was older than me by one year befriended me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I, however, did not feel any physical attraction for him even though he kinda looks good; in Tagalog, “pwede na,” but I only wanted to be his friend. I only felt pity and pressure because he was really expecting me to be his girlfriend even though I told him that I didn’t want to. When I became firm in rejecting him, he got mad at me and unfollowed me on Facebook and Instagram. But I didn’t care because at that time, I was also being contacted by someone that I thought was cute. (Months later, I found out that I was the only one who found him cute.) He was three years younger than me but I chose not to care. We had a special relationship, and he was so dear to me, but he was not offering me a commitment. He kept telling the lie that his parents won’t permit him to have a girlfriend. For about three months I was crazy about him. I was already imagining the two of us going on dates. But then I noticed that he was keeping me a secret from his family or from anyone. He talked to me less and less. I would get angry but then he kept saying sorry. When we finally met (and that was the last time), I realized that I was involved with a preschooler, that he was so boring, that he didn’t really like me and that I didn’t like him too, and that I was only in love with the image of him and not with the real him. I then told him to stop contacting me again. It was nice that there had been no commitment between us.

image: pinterest.com

June came. I was so bored with my life that I had lots of time wondering about my next relationship. But at the same time, I was also doing stuff for my future, like taking beauty classes and editing my undergraduate thesis over and over again. My classmate Gemma (not her real name) and I met to drink somewhere because she just broke up with her ex-boyfriend. We were just drinking and talking and not paying attention to anyone. Suddenly, a very good-looking guy just straight up asked for my number. I froze because I didn’t know what to do. But deep inside, I was flattered that a very handsome guy paid attention to me. People who know me when I was in high school or in grade school would understand why I get surprised when handsome guys pay attention to me. It’s because I am not used to it! I was an unattractive dork back then. And so, Gemma smiled mischievously and told me to just give it to him. And then we started talking. He was pursuing me. He was being a gentleman and he led me to believe that he wanted a relationship with me. People with closed and prejudiced minds would roll their eyes to this but girls who have been through this would understand. Sometimes there are just guys who pursue girls but then people would still put the blame on the girl if those guys just vanish into thin air and the girl fell in love (we’re in a patriarchal society, surprise surprise). So basically, what happened is that we had another date. People always looked at us when we were together (I told you he was that handsome). But then later on he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship – the jerk just wanted to be intimate. Obviously I declined because duh. My heart sank and I got angry because he did things so I would trust him and fall in love with him in order for him to get into my pants. So he got a “Gago ka” remark from me and we parted ways and never talked to each other again. I found out later on through Gemma that this guy’s friend told her that he already had a girlfriend even before we met. He lied to me many times just to get what he wanted. What an asshole.

A month later, I went to an office somewhere to process some documents. It is something related to my life goals too *wink*. Then someone in that office started hitting on me. I thought it was innocent at first but then the conversation lasted so long even though other people were also waiting. I knew he wanted something from me when he asked me if I had time for coffee later. I said no. But then later on at night, he texted my number which he got from the paper that I filled up with personal information. I replied because I had nothing else to do, but believe me, I wasn’t attracted to him and he looked ten years older than me. I then found out that he was ten years older than me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. But I did not. I rejected him but he kept on pursuing me. I didn’t learn right away that he already had two kids but no wife (only an ex-girlfriend he’s still in contact with); but still, he had a family. And I don’t want that. He was a nice guy, a smart guy, and he was persistent, but all I can see regarding my future with him is chaos. My possessiveness wouldn’t want a man who has a family already, no. But it got to the point where he felt like I was his even though I clearly rejected him that I had to cut him from my life brutally. Yes, I was harsh. But life would even be harsher to me if I get involved with someone like that.

And just this August, I was contacted by someone that I knew here in the university three or four years ago. He tried talking to me on Facebook and he asked me if I knew him. I said I didn’t. Eventually, I found out that he was the one who used to always visit our former boarding house. My friends definitely found him very handsome too but nobody said anything because he had a girlfriend at that time. He told me that I was his crush when he was still in the university and he was telling people about it, even his girlfriend at that time. And girl, I can’t describe how I felt when he said that! He was so handsome I didn’t feel that I deserved his admiration! I was also crushing on him too but I wasn’t thinking of him because my ex-boyfriend at that time was courting me. And since that conversation, we have been talking to each other daily. We enjoy each other’s company so much that we got to the level of mutual understanding. However, I only knew by September that he has someone attached to him. He told me she was not his girlfriend but the girl believes that they are together. She was even planning their wedding. And they are now living together  for two years. I didn’t mind it at first; but when things got deeper and deeper between us, I started getting bothered by the presence of the “third party” in his life. I told him to take drastic measures in getting rid of her but he wasn’t listening to me. Either he is a coward or he doesn’t like me that much to exterminate anything that makes me jealous. He told me that after the girl walks out of his life, he would still want to remain single since he hadn’t had tasted freedom for so long. I remained in the friendzone but he still treated me like a girlfriend. We had a complicated relationship. And by the end of October, I started getting tired of this relationship dynamic. It was just fine for him but it was already getting emotionally damaging for me. Since we are just “friends,” I told him that we should stop talking to each other for a while instead of saying that we should break up. But for me, I was already cutting ties with him. I knew that it’s time to save myself and to pay attention to myself first because I was already starting to get really hurt.

image: giphy.com


Now, as you may have noticed, I have been attracting unavailable partners. They’re either already committed to someone else, or not committed but could not commit to me. Not one of them could give me the security that every girl needs in a relationship. And that is the relationship pattern that I keep on attracting for this year. Yes, it sucks.

Because I love watching “woo woo” videos on YouTube, I have come across Gigi Young’s videos about relationships. Her video “Why A Relationship Has Not Manifested InYour Life…Yet” completely resonated with me. She said that it is because we are not in a relationship with ourselves. It basically means that we haven’t found ourselves yet by not living our life purpose. And I know I’m not. Right now I’m lost and directionless. Career opportunities keep presenting themselves in front of me but I couldn’t grasp them. I just can’t. Because I haven’t graduated yet! Right now, that is the only big obstacle that’s left for me to overcome in order to move on with my life and establish a career for myself.
“That relationship won’t come to you because it will distract you from discovering yourself and your higher self doesn’t want that…The relationship will come when you take responsibility for your purpose in this life.” – Gigi Young

It’s as if Father Saturn, or maybe the whole universe, keeps on throwing and throwing romantic opportunities for me that are not real or long-lasting in order for me to wake up. It’s as if I’m being yelled at from the spirit side, “WHEN. WILL. YOU. LEARRRRN?!!!” I just can’t seem to learn from my previous mistakes! I keep opening my hearts to people who eventually break it just because I thought I could be happy with their physical attractiveness alone. I also know that I should focus on no one else but myself right now, but I can’t help it, I love being in love. As soon as my heart has healed from a previous heartache, it’s ready to love again. It can’t get jaded. It’s as if my heart is a stubbornly hopeful child.

I know I’ll have the real thing someday. Someday, if not now. I just have to focus on myself first. Ciao!

Another Singing Dream

Me: Last night I dreamt that we were singing songs for our college graduation. We were handed papers with song lyrics (it won’t happen in real life). However, my best friend/roommate and I felt a bit naughty, snuck out of the room, and did not practice. Then we saw my classmate (who was about to graduate with us in real life, but something happened that prevented her to) sobbing outside the room. She would not go inside even though we told her to, and she looks scared and really sad. Because we saw her, I told my friend that we should just practice or else we would just embarrass ourselves later on. And so we sang. But the people around were not taking it seriously, I thought. During the final rehearsal, nobody has memorized the lyrics at heart, including me. Someone took my copy away from me so I just sang without reading the lyrics and tried to hit the high notes. I didn’t know what I was doing but some people are clapping. I just loved singing in my dream that I didn’t care whether the lyrics were wrong. That is all. J

image: giphy.com

Lawrence: You should go to places where they have mic nights to sing songs,
You can write poetry and turn poetry into music
You need attention, music and singing would give you that in real life
L

Wedding of My Close Guy Friend (Dream)

Me: I dreamt that my guy friend (I will name him Ronan. Like Ronan Keating lol) and the girl that he doesn’t like (but still stays with him) were going to get married and I was not informed. I just witnessed his family and friends huddled together as he and his bride were trying on their wedding clothes. The bride wore a dress and a veil while Ronan wore a tuxedo. However, what’s weird is that the bride wasn’t wearing white and Ronan wasn’t wearing black. They were both wearing a dark, murky maroon color. Then, as people were busy about Ronan’s wedding, I left and went to my parents’ office. I went up the fourth floor (in real life it’s only up to second floor) by stairs even if the staircase is weak. I easily went up the stairs and I didn’t mind the weakness of it. However, when I tried going down, I couldn’t because the staircase was really weak – it was made of paper and supported by a very thin wood, thinner than a pencil. It was as thin as a strand of a broomstick. I could not get down again because I thought I might get injured for I was in the fourth floor.

image: pinterest.com

Lawrence: Hi A, your dream has to do with jealousy. You know you get jealous easily. So it has to do with your friend wanting to be with someone else and not you. You weren’t informed means you wanted to know everything going on with this guy, but remember he was only a friend.
So it shouldn’t have mattered if he was going to marry someone and not tell you; if he was going to marry you then it would have been a different story. It all means you need to know what’s going on with everyone you know. That’s the best way I can answer.
Jealousy is normal with people, hopefully you have dreams about winning money next time :)
Your dream is not bad at all.
L

My Venus Retrograde Experiences

I first knew about Venus retrograde when it happened on 2015. I had my first conscious experience of the Venus retrograde and despite having read on the internet about the “don’ts” during this transit, I disregarded them because I wanted to “follow my heart.” Needless to say, I did very foolish things that I wanted to keep a secret forever. But for the sake of this blog post, I am going to reveal them.

image: tumblr.com

Why avoid big decisions in a silly retrograde, you ask? Because big decisions in retrogrades usually come back to haunt you tangibly (maybe in the pocketbook) or intangibly (especially in the form of regret). It is VERY MUCH ADVISED to hold off on making important decisions until after the retrograde ends. -- Adelle Flores, Mogul

The quote above was so true. Really. Of course we shouldn’t limit ourselves just because of some astrological transits, but it wouldn’t hurt to just be careful. And because I am such a stubborn girl, I didn’t care about the Venus retrograde so I was burnt twice. I made foolish mistakes in love during the 2015 Venus retrograde and the 2017 Venus retrograde.
In your horoscope, the planet Venus rules art, social relationships, partnerships, romance, love, values, money, and financial security. Whenever a planet is retrograde it’s not a favorable time for initiating activities in the area that a planet rules because your perception is off kilter.  
Venus rules love, relationships and partnerships of all kinds. The retrograde is not a time for “moving forward,” new beginnings or changing the status quo. You’re not operating from a practical place of objectivity about your needs. Your heart is plugged into love, romance and sensuality. You may be so attracted to someone that you cannot see how they can do any wrong. If you’ve just met someone, just enjoy them without feeling a need to tell all your relatives or friends, “this is the one.” If you’ve been dating someone for a while, take a break before you escalate your romantic commitment. If you’ve been in a serious relationship for some time, hold off a little longer to propose. -- Larry Schwimmer, HuffPost

During the 2015 Venus retrograde, I met someone while I was eating alone in a restaurant. He gave me his number (I didn’t ask him for it) which was written on a tissue paper and I texted him two hours later because I thought he was kind of cute. He looked really loyal, trustworthy, industrious, and he told me that he was a model too. Also, I remember that when I looked at him in a restaurant, it was kind of blurry and his face was against the light. He smiled shyly. I thought he was attractive.

We met two days later and I was so disappointed. He expected me to greet him with a kiss, like some kind of a jologs. I refused and he got mad at me. We strolled around the mall and I felt a bit embarrassed to be seen with him. A schoolmate of mine saw me with him and I don’t know what kind of gossip he tried to spread around with that. He also saw someone he knew and he went telling people that I was his girlfriend even though I was not. It was really frustrating. I remembered him as young Greek god but then what I actually saw was a Greek god wannabe. We just knew each other at that time and he already wanted to have a relationship with me. Somehow, he felt confident that he could win my heart. He also expected me to be intimate with him. (Gross!) At that same day also, I bid him farewell forever because I didn’t want him to pursue me. He kept on telling me that he loved me so much that I thought he was manipulating me through lies. It cannot be possible that he had loved me right away. Perhaps he just wanted to get into my pants.

After that, he kept on texting me like some kind of a mad dog. He calls me and threatens me that he would drink himself to death if I didn’t give him a chance. He pretty much used all kinds of manipulation that he knew but I was sure that I didn't want him. I was deluded when I saw him in the restaurant and I found out I didn’t like the real him. He also couldn’t have a decent and normal conversation with me, perhaps because he didn’t like thinking. He didn’t like intellectual conversations and I felt like he was really superficial. One time we argued through text and I told him to correct his punctuation marks. He got insulted (I did it on purpose so he would get away from me) and told me that I should be the one to do it. He didn’t like being wrong in arguments, he didn’t like admitting his mistakes, and he thought he could always get his way through verbal manipulation. In just one day, I realized how bad my judgment was. I thought it was clouded by the Venus retrograde during that time.

And earlier this year, when the planet Venus was on her retrograde motion again, I was contacted by someone from my hometown who is three years younger than me. Looking at his pictures, I thought he was so attractive, and that many girls are vying for his attention too. He looked very familiar, and that was because we go to the same church and his sister was my schoolmate in high school. I was so blinded by my attraction to him that I wanted him to commit to me. However, he didn’t want to, and he wasn’t paying constant attention to me. As time passed by, our talks only became once a week. However, I still treated him very kindly. I just thought that he was busy and wanted space. And every time I see a red flag, I ignore it because I thought of him as relationship-material.

When I went back to my hometown for the summer break, we met and I was disappointed again. He was not what I have imagined him to be. He exactly looked like his Facebook photos, but there was no sex appeal to him or anything. It’s not that it’s wrong to not have that, but I personally pick boyfriends that have sex appeal because most of the time, these people are more than just their appearances. They are often witty, funny, and interesting. So this person didn’t have this strong appeal. I am actually attracted to the vibe of the person - some people have an "empty" vibe to them, and he was one of them. Observing him, I thought I was right – he was really boring that I thought I just wasted my time on him. He also didn’t know how to treat me. But he was already eighteen! It was disappointing to see how I wasted my time on such an immature guy. No wonder he didn’t want any commitments. Because he wouldn’t know what to do with a girlfriend.

And that was the last time I saw him. He didn’t contact me until I went back to my university. He thought he could just meet me whenever he wanted to, but he was wrong and he was too late. And by that time, I told him to never talk to me again. When he asked me why, I told him, “Kasi talkshit ka.”  He got mad at me too but I didn’t care. He knew it was his mistake. He apologized many times but I made up my mind. He isn’t relationship-material and I have moved on.

It’s amazing how a Venus retrograde transit can delude me in the matters of love. Those were really times wasted. And until now I feel embarrassed whenever I remember that I got involved with them because of my faulty perception. I just hope that someday, when Venus goes retrograde again, I wouldn’t do anything foolish again and just sit back, relax, and watch romantic movies. 

Women Who Embody Lilith (Astrology)

In this post, I am talking about how I personally perceive women with prominent Lilith placements – Lilith conjunct Sun, Lilith conjunct Ascendant (or BML in the 1st house), or Lilith conjunct Midheaven (or BML in the 10th house).

Marilyn Monroe, Lilith in the 1st House
image: perezhilton.com

These women, as most astrologers say, ooze raw sexuality. Most of the time they don’t do it on purpose; they just are raw sexuality. It oozes out of their pores. It’s who they are. Men (and even some women) are drawn and physically attracted to them, sometimes without even knowing why. They usually want to have sexual relationships with these women. They’re like sirens or temptresses. Even if these women are not exactly like Victoria’s Secret angels, there’s something about their vibes or energy that is so attractive.

Lilithian women usually have this darkness to their energy. I’m not talking about the actual color of their aura or anything, but people who see or observe them often describe their energy as dark, intriguing, but very attractive. They seem very mysterious but they also intimidate people with their energy without meaning to. They have this dark sexuality to them. In some ways Lilith’s energy is similar to Scorpio but it’s not exactly Scorpio. It’s dark, mysterious, and attractive like Scorpio, but they’re a bit different.

Kim Kardashian, Sun conjunct Lilith
image: perezhilton.com

Lilith may be perceived as scary because she is the wild feminine that people have suppressed throughout the ages. She is this raw, wild feminine sexuality. It really just oozes out of her pores and she cannot do anything about it.

These women are viewed as “wild” even if some of them are not. It’s the energy about them that people perceive. Men might find Lilithian women scary because they think they might feel consumed with desire around this woman. And women may always feel that Lilithian women would steal their men (even if they really wouldn’t) because of their strong sexual appeal. Lilithian women usually have people’s attention on them. They have a bad rap because women find them a threat and men might not like having feelings of uncontrollable lust around them. Lilith is this very attractive and mysterious siren and people are intrigued by her. Most women get jealous of women with a prominent Lilith placement.

Jodie Foster, Lilith in the 10th House
image: tumblr.com

If people would just take away their prejudices, having a prominent Lilith in women is actually a very good thing. However, they can be unfairly labeled as whores or be unfairly slut-shamed because of their palpable sexuality and attractiveness. There’s just something about them that “tempts” people, usually men. Lilith’s sexuality cannot be ignored. And honestly, it isn’t these women’s fault that they are so damn sexy! *wink*

Anthea@22

I just had my 22nd birthday last week. I should have been really happy; but as I get older, I realize how birthdays just become nothing. Age and birthdays are not really important, I guess. Maybe what’s really important is how we grow spiritually (and I don’t mean in a religious way). And perhaps I am saying this because I didn’t really get to feel so special during my birthday last week. I guess it's my fault that I expected more excitement. I didn’t really get to be the star. You know I love positive attention – everybody does. I would love to feel like the teenage Britney Spears just once a year but it didn’t happen this year.

image: ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

Actually, I loved spending my birthday with my friends here in the university. It made me reminiscent of how things were four years ago before our relationships with each other became complicated. It’s nice how we got together again, grown up and more mature, and more understanding and appreciative of each other. The paragraph above was just me being ungrateful, because I really did feel their love for me. They cared for me. I received no gifts and other superficialities, but I appreciate having them in my life. All of us were starting to take on different paths in life but we get to meet each other again on my birthday. We drank and sang our hearts out. It was fun. And we can now get to be ourselves with each other because we’ve matured so much.

L to R: Desry, me, Angel, Kim, Dina (Believe it or not, this is already the best
picture we have)

Oops, my mistake. I actually received a gift on my birthday, the only gift I received for my birthday – and it was from my crush/close guy friend. He bought me a flash drive with lots of anime shows in it. He wanted to show me a little bit of his world, because he is so fond of manga, anime, and Japanese stuff. I liked it. And he sang for me on my birthday and I thought it was so sweet of him.

I spent the real day of my birthday with my best friend, and we took pictures of ourselves the whole day. We just ate and talked like we always do every day since we are roommates lol. Overall, it was a simple birthday. I didn’t get to really be a superstar. I just got older and that’s it. My family actually forgot that it was my birthday. Only my mother greeted me. They didn’t call or anything. But it was fine with me, I guess. My high school friends also showed a lack of interest. I am actually a bit saddened because I realized on my birthday that only a few people really cared about me. And it doesn’t include my family, of course. You know that I am not that close to them. I felt a bit alone on my birthday and I also felt the need to search for more true friends in my life. The number of your friends is nothing if they don’t really care about you.

My best friend took this photo; she told me to imitate the model
Maureen Wroblewitz but I just can't lol

Anyway, I made a wish at 12am on October 17, and I wished that aside from getting prettier, being in a relationship in the future, and being fatter, that my life would have a clear direction. That is what I need the most in my life right now. It may not seem like it, but I am also ambitious. I hope the gods and goddesses have heard my birthday prayer. And I’m happy that I am 22 right now. It seems like a special number. Namaste! 


I'm definitely on my way to being a woman!
image: makeagif.com

I am finally getting wiser in love!

I am proud of myself for trusting my instincts and making the right decision in the romance department. Recently, there was a man who still tried pursuing me even though I already rejected him. I met him at his workplace because I needed something to get processed. He got my number from the document that I filled up (it’s really not permitted) and he used his power in his workplace to give me that thing that I needed in just three days when most people would get that thing in over a month. We had dinner once and I found out that he was a nice guy. He was a former social science teacher too. However, he hid from me the fact that he already had two children who are in grade school. He isn’t married and he already broke up with his ex-girlfriend (the mother of his children) a long time ago so he thought it wouldn’t hurt to have a new girlfriend. I, however, only liked him as a friend. I like that he is smart, financially independent, responsible, serious, and older than me (we have a ten-year age gap). But, I wasn’t attracted to him. I wasn’t physically attracted to him and my heart can’t connect to him. We could only have intellectual conversations sometimes but they bore me too. He lectures me like a college professor and I openly show him my boredom. Sometimes I get the feeling that he’s showing off how smart he is so I could admire him even though he did not come from the same college as me (he looks up to my university, UP).

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Because I have already experienced several times what it’s like to be pursued by men for only sexual reasons, I appreciate it when someone wants to have a serious relationship with me. When I think about it, aside from the fact the he already has children, he’s okay. But my heart just doesn’t want him. And I also see some subtle red flags. He doesn’t seem masculine enough for me. I feel like he wanted to appear talkative and confident to hide his weakness deep inside. He also didn’t think much about the future – he just wanted me to be his. I told him, “Imagine my father asking you what your plans for me are. What would you say to him?” He took a long time to answer and his answer was a lousy one. He didn’t have plans for me in the future. And I was so certain at that time that I wouldn’t be happy with him. He wasn’t my type and I don’t want any more complexities in my love life. I don’t want a man who has children who are not mine and I don’t want someone who still thinks of his ex-girlfriend while pursuing another girl.

I remember one time he told me he knew how to read people’s palms, so I asked him what my palm says about my future husband. He said that I don’t know him yet. We don’t know each other yet. And we would meet each other when he is already a professional. He is older than me. And he definitely isn’t a foreigner. He’s also a Filipino. Two other psychics told me that my future husband is someone who’s older, loves to travel, and is some kind of a professional (something like a lawyer, doctor, or someone who’s successful in a business of some kind). I knew he was telling the truth because two other people told me the same thing. He then told me, “Don’t reject me just because of that, please?” Later, he told me that he was that future husband. I know that he’s lying. He’s only significantly older than me but I know he’s not the one because I didn’t think that I can love him more than a friend.

After I rejected him gently, he still tried to communicate with me. He kind of bothers me from time to time. He said he would wait until I was older. But then I started getting annoyed with him calling whenever he feels like it. I am not obligated to answer his calls because I am not his girlfriend. I somehow felt that he was already getting a bit possessive of me. So, I rejected him again kind of harshly, told him not to call, text, or chat me anymore. He still did after that, but I really ignored him. We’re both stubborn. So he finally gave up. And this was just two or three weeks ago.

A few days ago, I saw his Facebook timeline and he is getting lovey-dovey with his ex-girlfriend again. I thought that he was definitely stubborn but perhaps he wasn’t that sincere in pursuing me. And since I always make foolish mistakes in love, I am proud of myself for having avoided another headache. I think I am finally getting wiser in love! Yay!

By the way, I noticed that this year, I have this pattern of getting involved with unavailable men (I usually don’t know about it until later). I think this pattern is reflecting something in my own life and I will make a separate blog post about that soon. Ciao!

Mass Murders (Dream)

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Me: I had a dream last night which left me confused because I feel like there’s nothing bad going on in my life right now…

I dreamt that I (with one or two people) was escaping the killings which were happening everywhere. I witnessed killings on the street, wherein the ordinary people walking are being shot. There is blood, so I tried to search for other roads where there are no killers. I was only running and not taking any transportation. It seems like any public place has killers. I had been to a place where there are many people and they are plotting about killing each other, including me. I could only think of escaping. It was really crazy. I had been to unusual and kind of secret places in my dream where I thought there were no killers.

Also I found myself surrounded by girls, and one of them offered to groom my eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil. The other girls were curious so they were around. I was satisfied with the eyebrows I ended up with, it was good.

And that’s all that I can remember. I really haven’t watched any news or any killings on Youtube, I was watching videos of two-year-olds so I don’t know why there were killings in my dream :/ What do you think? :(

Lawrence: Hi

The killings are really you not liking where you live and wherever you go you see negative situations with people you know. There would be no killings [in your dream] if you moved away to a new environment where you don’t have to see the same people who bother you; you can’t kill them off but you can move away from them though. The eyebrows is more of you wanting to look as pretty as you can no matter where you live.

That’s the best I can give you

Maybe you should move in the future

L
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